Spending time?
I've been disengaging from my two SDs since before Thanksgiving so that DH can get them under control. They are 10 and 15. However, one thing I've noticed that is a point of contention for DH is that I spend a great deal of my time in a separate part of the house from the SDs now. I don't "spend time with them" like I used to. I told DH that is because I'm giving him the reins and he needs to be in charge, and that spending time around them lately only makes me irritated and frustrated so I'd rather not stress myself out.
My question is, am I safe to assume that an average 10 and 15 year old should be able to entertain themselves/stay on task for a couple of hours at a time without me constantly having to engage with them? And that if these kids cannot, it speaks more about their character than mine if I don't want to be around that? I get it, adults aren't perfect and we can't expect kids to be. But I also don't think I should have to give up my "me time" or not be able to do something in another part of the house because they don't know how to conduct themselves.
DH
Actually, Why should DH expect you to shoulder all of the responsibility for a relationship between you and the skids? If DH wants you to spend more time with his little darlings maybe he should do what is necessary for you to want to be around them.
I agree.
DH works nights so he mostly gets upset that when he leaves for work at 6pm, I will read in my bedroom or do something by myself. Before I disengaged, I used to help SD10 pick out her clothes for school, tell them both they needed to take a shower, and constantly have to remind them when their bed times were. But since I've disengaged, I haven't been telling either of them anything and it's forced DH to have to figure it out.
Yes, a 10 nd 15 year old
Yes, a 10 and 15 year old should be able to entertain themselves and stay on task for a couple hours without you there. In fact, most 15 year olds would prefer NOT to hang out with their parent/stepparent. Where is your DH when you're in another part of the house? Is he with his kids?
Sometimes
When DH isn't at work he makes it a point to spend an hour or two with them but quite often he will go to his garage or otherwise be doing something hobby-related. Which in my opinion isn't much different than me reading or doing something else in another part of the house. Not only that, but I've told him that I'm disengaged and explained what that means. I also told him that the reason I don't want to be around the SDs is because they're annoying brats and until that changes, I will limit my time around them. It might sound harsh, but I married him and not his kids. I have no obligation to spend any sort of time with them at this point.
Let me be quite clear about
Let me be quite clear about this - they have visitation with their father, not with you. They don't come to your house to get a break from ther mother, they come to spend time with their father. What you do with your time does not factor in to their custody order and you are free to do as you please. Whether you decide to spend time with his children is up to you. You are not their parent, you are their father's wife. It's time he realized what being a parent entails.
Keep on doing your own thing and don't let him make you feel guilty. If anyone should feel guilty, it's him.
Yeah at that age they should
Yeah at that age they should be able to do there own thing. Just check on them every now and then to make sure they not burning down the house or whatever. Just give them little reminders if dh not there to go to bed or brush there teeth or whatever. Go about your business. As long as they got things to do at home like hobbies tv or play video games or whatever. They fall into place after awhile. And wont look at you for entertainment.
Yes they should be able to
Yes they should be able to entertain themselves. So we are talking probably a 5th grader and a freshman?
I live with the double standard, too. If i retreat I am being rude and dh gets all weird, but if he retreats it’s no problem.
i go to bed early because I work all day and have a toddler and my older kids have sports so my days are long. Dh and I make sure dinner is on the table by 6 and I don’t really engage with skids at all after that. I do engage with my own kids but after dinner they are usually up in their rooms doing homework, face timing or whatever......while skids are glued to DH in the living room ..all are middle and high schoolers.
The 15 yo? Definitely. The 10
The 15 yo? Definitely. The 10 yo? Mostly, with some reminders. He should pay the 15 yo to babysit the 10yo in the evening if he wants more oversight of him/her. Not your job.
I actually liked to be left
I actually liked to be left alone at that age. But I've always played well solo. My daughter is 5 and plays well solo also. She prefers it sometimes . Gemini ♊️ babies
But my SD (10). Is very
But my SD (10). Is very bothersome. "I'm bored, can we go somewhere". I'm like, girl, this is my OFF day. I am a student and a wife /mother. I am tiyad . I don't even entertain my toddler like that. I take her to the park at random when I feel like it. I'm not a "take the kids out every weekend " type of parent. They have toys, dry erase boards. My parents did not entertain me or take me somewhere on a regular basis. We went to Florida, museums. But at random. Not a regular basis. But at 10, I had friends to play with. I didn't need my parents to entertain me. If I was that bored.
Yes, these kids are old
Yes, these kids are old enough to entertain themselves. Good for you in sticking to your guns and continue to leave it ALL on H to parent HIS children. He doesn't get the luxury of being in the garage all day while his kids are there needing quality bonding time with him. They are not your responsibility, so read your book and do so with all the joy & content in the world. This double standard nonsense has to stop and as long as you remain consistent, he'll get it.....eventually!
they should...
They should be able to entertain themselves. I certainly did not rely on my parents for entertainment past pre-school, maybe even not in preschool.
With that said, my SSs are almost 14 and when they are with us, they expect to be constantly entertained. It's annoying, because DH likes to nap and relax on weekends. I've largely disengaged.
BM even had the nerve to request that her lawyer say that one SS doesn't want to come to our home because I don't pay attention to him. I think the letter said, "The stepmother spends most of her time in her room doing work." Not sure why that would be a valid reason to reduce SSs time with DH, but in the twisted world of BM logic, my not paying attention to her precious cherub is insulitng and is one of the reasons it's "traumatic" for SS to come to our home.