(Thanks Micheles!) - answering that question I will explain the whole situation and maybe some thoughts may help. First of all, let me say congrats to everyone on this site who deals with much more serious problems than me (I don't live with SDs, not harrassed, no court orders or police involved etc) and be strong!

I basically can't deal with BM's malicious gossip: I can stand that people have the wrong idea about my DH and myself and especially the children, that they grow up to hate their Dad who's such a great person just because their Mum is in scorn and jealous. But what to do? nothing I'm afraid, she just won't listen and everyone feels sorry for her or is scared to deny her anything in case she turns kids against them.
My DH seems to be fine, he's very strong but I'm consumed with hate because of her lies and how she is turning the kids into 2 people that think the worst of their Dad; he talks to them, he explains and tried to defend himself but in the end they live with her and believe her and have this loyalty towards her. Also they've heard all sorts of horrible things about me so have only seen me once and don't think they want to see me more, it's sad. When I have children how will they relate to their stepbrothers/sisters?
My husband's family has respect for me, I'd say they love me, but are scared of her turning kids against them and so welcome her as if she's still his wife... he gets really mad and threatens to stop talking to them but I don't want him to lose his family so I encourage him to be patient and take it, I try to be understanding. His friends are now her friends, most of them (his ex friends' wives especially) didn't want to meet me when they separated as they felt sorry for her - now we have new friends but fact is he's lost many friends from childhood and it's so unfair. I can't get over it.
She's always there in the background, she knows what we do, what we spend, where we go, I feel like we can't talk to anyone or trust anyone as info gets to her. My husband ignores her and just keeps cutting people off when he thinks they may 'spy' for her but I think life this way is stupid.
Above all I worry for the kids: I want them to know their Dad is good and that he works hard for them. But as they grow up they just morph into these creatures with wrong ideas in their minds about their Dad and now the oldest one is starting to say she doesn't want to see him etc.
Also the ex wife hates me particularly because my family is wealthy and she thinks my husband is with me for the money and keeps telling everyone that. I hate it as my Dad worked hard for what we have (my parents had nothing when they married) and I share with my husband and even help his family, in fact if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be able to help his children: and what I get is gossip saying I'm shallow and he's a gold-digger. His kids listen to these things and as they are financially stuck (my husband pays for their things from his work-money, nothing comes from me, he alone takes care of them) and his Mum keeps telling them she has no money - what must they think? that their Dad and SM (me) are rich and don't want to help them in life?
All this eats me inside - I don't know how to ignore her
Thanks to all those listening xxx