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some DO see the light, but often it is MUCH too late....

startingover2010's picture

not sure how many remember my situation. for those that dont, i will give the really really condensed version:

was with bf for 5yrs. he had a daughter, fulltime, who hated me. seriously hated me. he and i had a daughter together. things went really bad for so long that i lost it. lost everything. even MY bd for a while. exbf and exsd moved up north when we split.

okay, i know that isnt much info but the point of this blog is that i get a surprise package yesterday, followed by a stream of phone calls. from exsd. the package contained a 3 page letter, some bracelets she made, and a few other things. the letter was a very long apology for everything she did/said. she BEGGED me to get back with her father, as his latest gf just left him, and his mother (her gma) wants to sell the house. she claims she knows what she had with me and she was sorry for being so horrible. horrible???? thats putting it lightly. i was no saint during those five years, but it was a direct result of what i was put through. no excuse, i know, but my excuse nonetheless.

anyways, the letter goes on with her own excuses for her behavior. it also states how much her dad misses me and bd3. and how much SHE misses me, how she's better now and wont cause trouble.

then the phone calls. i let the voicemail pick up each time, as i am floored and not sure how to explain to this soon to be preteen that she caused ALOT of damage, and i wasnt sure i wanted to go through shit again. my life is getting so much better. i am in school, i have a part time job, i am in therapy, and just enjoying life. bd3 is back with me (had an arrangment with my parents when all this began months and months ago). i feel like i am in my prime!

i dont know, but i dont want to put my daughter though anything anymore. any suggestons on letting exsd down easy?

buttercookie's picture

Your getting your life back together. Keep doing that. Don't get sucked back in. Sounds like you SD caused another relationship to melt with her father and now she wants you back to pay for her stuff and do things for her. If you want I'd date her dad I wouldn't move back in

edit: and to answer how to let her down easy. Just tell her you've grown apart. Theres no shame in that

Pantera's picture

I agree, don't get sucked back in. Its a little too late for all of that.

Why does she think she has this much control of her Dad's life?

beyond pissed-off's picture

I totally agree - why does she think she has so much control over her father's life????? This to me is a sign that NOTHING has changed. I think the best response is a short - as in 3 line - thank you note for the bracelets - as in Dear X - Thank you for the bracelets. They are very pretty and I am sure that BD will enjoy having something from you when she is older. I wish you and your father nothing but the best. Fondly, SITA Anything more than that will only encourage her sense that she has any business involving herself in your life. And she doesn't - you are free!

Anon2009's picture

I agree with buttercookie- tell her you've grown apart and that sometimes people do that, and that it doesn't make either person bad.

I'd also tell her that you're grateful for her apology. Maybe you'd want to consider apologizing to her too? Tell her you wish nothing but the best for her, and want her to have a relationship with her sister, but that things are much more peaceful for everyone (including her) the way they are now.

Sita Tara's picture

I just wanted to say that I am in a similar yet different place. And having to restart my whole life now. Hang in there and keep walking forward.

Pantera's picture

I only hope I can be as strong as women like you and Sita someday. I know Im in a bad place. I admire you guys for having the strength to take control of your lives and get yourselves out of the bad situations.

Sita Tara's picture

I have yet to take control of anything. I'm really not strong right now. Broken actually.

I feel like I don't even know who I am or how I got to this awful place.

I would say more but don't want to digress the thread.

Truth is...

I'm not sure I still wouldn't take him back. I miss my life Pantera. As dysfunctional as it was it was still mine til she showed up and stole it all away from me.

HennyPen's picture

maybe just write her a letter back, thank her for the apology and that you'll pass the bracelets on to BD3 when she is old enough. Simply state that you are sorry that things didn't work out between EXDH and yourself, but that sometimes adults just can't make it work and it's better for everyone to start anew. Maybe include that your sorry that for all the hurtful things that happened between you two and wish her happiness in the future. A letter at least acknowledges you recieved hers and that there is not chance to reconcile. Letters also keep it somewhat impersonal, easier to say exactly what you want and end it. No long crying phone calls. And then keep on rebuilding your life with BD3 and let EXDH take what ever course his is on with SD, that is no longer your control or responsibility. Your responsibility lies to the person in the mirror and that little girl of yours.

Sita Tara's picture

I am having a similar experience. My SD thought she'd be happy he left me. But out of the blue after not hearing from her since they moved out about 2 mos ago, she rode the bus to my house and we talked for 2 hours.

I think sometimes they do miss us, don't know what we tried to do til we're not there anymore.

She's sad, I'm sad. It was a needed visit.

I am going to maintain a friendship with her, from a distance with occasionally hanging out/catching a movie. She's 15 and a half and in a few years will be an adult.

I'm glad she stopped. I do love her. I did miss her. I think it's better in my case that we have some contact, though I will leave the majority of it up to her.

KTL's picture

think SD hates new G-friend, thinks she will be sure that hey do not get back together, she knows she can get rid of you, she did that once, given the chance she would do it again. keep up with your new have a beter life ahead.