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So tired of all of this custody sh**

Cookieboom's picture

Basically, BF’s attorney dropped him.  AS you know he is broke and was awarded 50/50 but SS is refusing to follow the order.  SS’s behavior and entitlement are unbelievable and he is now rude to BM, after she turned him against us. 

Lawyer asked what BF wants to do, as his Lawyer wants to fight for full custody.  I told BF it is his deciosn, its been like 4 years, you have to decide if you want to fight another 2 years and he will then be 18. 

Lawyer suggested/ordered BF to fight for full custody.  I told BF it is his decision, it’s been like 4 years, you have to decide if you want to fight another 2 years and SS is 18 when it’s all over. 

After BF used his credit card to replenish his account with the lawyer, he told lawyer via email he wants to keep visitation the way it is but wants things in the order like court ordered therapy for SS, and other things to protect SS and us.  The lawyer did not answer him, only sent him a notice that he is relinquishing his services due to “break down of client and lawyer”

Lawyer said BF didn’t give him his new address to get correspondence, but they always talked via text, email or phone call. 

I was never impressed with this lawyer, yes he had some good things in the beginning, but never put BM in her place for the crap she did to me, dragged me through the mud and the lawyer stated, “NO one cares”

Then why are there copies of our sexting in the f%%#ing court case?????????????????????????????? Should you have said no one cares don’t use that as evidence????????????????????????

The only good thing he did is when BM tried to get my financial records for her CS, lawyer told judge I haven’t seen SS in years, judge got really confused and asked if were living together, lawyer said no and judge said my financial records do not matter…Boy oh boy was BM pi$$ed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Other than that, I think the lawyer is a joke. 

And remember when BM walked by his paralegal at a restaurant, glared at her and said out loud, “SL*T!”  The lawyer texted BF about it with laughing faces but REFUSED to bring it up in court because according to him, “no one cares.”

Once again, BF went on a spiel about how SS is a “Little boy who is a victim,” I am so tired of hearing this and try to keep my mouth shut when he goes on the defense for SS’s terrible behavior.  But today I guess I went too far when I said SS is not an innocent victim, he’s a 16-year-old disrespectful brat.  BF is calling lawyer today to get his money back and then we have therapy.  Maybe a blessing in disguise, maybe we get a better lawyer. Wish me luck. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

1) The lawyer sounds like he sucks.

2) This case is a quagmire and not worth it to fight.

3) BF should save his money for SS's future bail. 

Cookieboom's picture

I feel bad that i badmouthed SS, I try to keep calm when it comes to discussions about him.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your feelings and frustration are valid. The period during my DH's custody battle for YSD was one of the most stressful in my life. Not only did we have to pospone buying our first home due to the expense, but we also had to constantly be wary for any traps crazy BM might set for DH. She'd already accused him of rape, assault, and a few other doozies. We would routinely have screaming matches in the car on the way home from court - so wound up and stressed out that we would erupt.

Your bf's attorney likely dropped him because he knows the money has run out. It's pretty common for family law attorneys to push for a full custody battle. That's where the real money is, and emotional clients can easily be persuaded to go big in battles they'll never win. Recommending a full on custody battle for an alienated SIXTEEN YEAR OLD is completely ridiculous.

You have every right to limit how much of this poo is allowed into YOUR life. It never really stops, just changes form and as one wise poster described, "goes dormant" for a while only to rev up again eventually. It can become all-consuming if you don't put limits on it. If your bf needs to vent, give him, say, ten minutes, then change the subject.

And you're wise to avoid criticiizing SS. Yes, he's a little sh!t right now but the situation is fluid and no good can come from rubbing your bf's nose in that particular truth. Instead, create firm boundaries around YOUR peace and sanity. This is not your feces-flinging monkey and not your circus. Modeling letting go and reframing things as your bf fought the good fight against impossible odds is the way to go and will give your bf a way to give up without losing face. Hang in there.

CLove's picture


"This is not your feces-flinging monkey and not your circus. Modeling letting go and reframing things as your bf fought the good fight against impossible odds is the way to go and will give your bf a way to give up without losing face. "

I do this A LOT. Especially with SD17 Power Sulk. It took getting burned hard and often and many many arguments. Now that I understand the dynamics better, Im more at peace and husband is more at peace.

Survivingstephell's picture

The lawyer is a crook. Taking money for a custody case at 16?  2 more years and the CO is over?  Your man is an idiot.  His focus is on beating BM, not SS.  You need to take a HUGE step back and look at this situation with fresh opened eyes.  You will never have a nice future if you stay put. He can't afford it and he will always be motivated to beat BM.   

That's the hard truth IMO.  

Cookieboom's picture

does not want full custody, but wants certain things in the new custody order. BM tends to start trouble and change things once the smoke is clear.  BF also has statements from her ex-boyfriend's wife, who was willing to testify about how she rediculed her, said to her on several occassions "I can have your husband anytime," and such.  Lawyer always said no one cares, but BF wanted to have the wife's statements as leverage as the small town that thinks I am a "skank" and "how dare I sext with my BF" has no idea she had a 5 year affair and left my BF AND HER SON for the guy.  (She left the state with her married boyfriend, got dumped, came back, now she is the poster parent for SS) Yes, I know people make mistakes and have affairs, but she has NO RIGHT calling me a whore and telling SS to call me one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I didn't leave my children for a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

They have another hearing next week...BF said in therapy he wants this battle to be over.  It seems BM is back to sucking down a bottle of wine every night, so BF feels that if he steps back SS will want to spend more time with him.  (BF wanted to bring up her drinking by lawyer refused, saying no one cares, but her lawyer would constantly bring me up, saying SS should not be around a woman without morals who "Sexts his father" and how SS is "deathly afraid of me" BS....AND NO ONE cares that BM broke into his apple ID account and got tons of text messages, sext messages and the like.  She even brought in a text from a woman before me!  BF wanted her prosecuted (Its a crime in our state) and lawyer said no, no one cares!  What a joke...

I just thought of something....would it be ok if BF says to SS when he calls me a whore, "She's not a whore, SS.  She didn't leave her kids for a married man." Or would that be too below the belt?

Yesterdays's picture

I don't think a little truth sprinkling would be that bad. In this case because BM has alienated in an over the top way. He might be too much fallen into the alienation trap for it to settle in... But facts are the only way out, in my opinion. My husband did the same thing. His ex made him out to be such a bad person... She told the kids that "daddy made me leave the family home". In reality she cheated on him for a year. But yes he was the bad guy. He did let them in on the facts. They were still blind to things. I think eventually they did reconcile with things, with not seeing him as "the bad parent". Eventually when things calmed down my husband explained why he sold the house and whatnot 

I think sometimes there are feelings the the kids are struggling with.. I can understand how they get caught in the middle and especially with a crazy bio mom who is feeding them nonsense and only one (twisted) side of the story. The kids struggle to make sense of this breakdown. Naturally they turn on the one parent. I do believe that truth is the only way to move past that, although it's a long road. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"I just thought of something....would it be ok if BF says to SS when he calls me a whore, "She's not a whore, SS.  She didn't leave her kids for a married man." Or would that be too below the belt?"

To me, saying that would imply your SO owes SS some kind of explanation or justification for you, after SS calling you that. Punishment is what is warranted. But, if SO went to therapy with SS, he should ask "What makes you think Cookie is a whore?" Get SS to explain his reasoning, and maybe deconstruct some of the programming from BM. 

advice.only2's picture

I’m not sure why your BF is trying to go for full custody, the kid is 16 and usually at that age the judge/commissioner is going to ask them what they want.  My DH kept his lawyer on retainer until Spawn was 18, the lawyer tried to drop him at one point and he let her know he was keeping her until Spawn was aged out.  Good thing he did because there was some drama that occurred after Spawn had graduated high school, but before she turned 18. 

IDontCare3117's picture

Your BF has literally put himself in the poor house fighting for custody.  He's insane to keep dumping money on this sh!t show, even if all he wants are certain things in the new custody order.  BM and SS aren't going to follow it anyway, so what's the point?  

I understand you want your pound of flesh out of BM after all she has said and done in regards to you, and I don't blame you one bit. Do you think she will just stop and leave y'all alone if your BF simply drops the rope, and let's go into no contact territory?  

Ispofacto's picture

So now you're debating about who is the biggest whore? Whoredom is not a factor for deciding custody. Neither is assholery, or hypocrisy.

Custody is about who is the better of the two parents. Who gives a shit what crazy BM has to say? Sure, she is a hypocrite, yes. You'd have to prove being a hypocrite affects her parenting. Which you can't, so it doesn't matter. 

If you can prove someone is a bad parent, based on the facts of things they actually do, with and to the kid, you already have a case, so their attitude and personality causing said bad parenting is irrelevant. The court doesn't care about motives, only results.

Let BM go be her crazy miserable self somewhere else. She is insignificant to you and yours. Let it be so. She and her stupid trash talk are beneath you.

Custody battles take years, so going for custody of a 16yo is ludicrous and a waste of money. And at his age, SS won't ever comply.

BF has been beaten down so far for so long, he can't even see the ground. He needs to start living a normal life. 

Show him what it is like to live a normal, happy life, and ignore BM and all her drama. She has to live her life every day with her miserable self. How awful.

I hope you will come to realize that by entertaining the concept that someone in this situation is a whore, you are an active participant in the misogyny SS is displaying.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree. SS's "whore" comments should be punished at home and dealt with in therapy. I would not lend any credibility to it by doing anything other than taking his phone or some other privilege away. I wonder if he even knows what he's saying. I kind of want to know what he thinks constitutes whoredom, or is he just so used to hearing BM say it that it just comes out naturally. 

CastleJJ's picture

Your SS is a lost cause and trying any harder to get the custody order "tweaked" is going to be a waste of time and money. So, you guys get the CO to order therapy... It doesn't mean SS will attend and you can't force him to go. Your CO currently says 50/50 and it isn't ensuring SS visits. To BM and SS, this CO is just a piece of paper with no legal authority. Nobody wins in family court except judges and attorneys and your attorney is looking for a sucker who will waste even more money on useless legal action. That is the ONLY reason your attorney is pushing for full custody. 

This kid is beyond repair. He isn't just talking to BF with that foul mouth, but also BM. This stems from major lack of parenting, discipline, and stability. And guess what, after 16 years, BF isn't going to be able to fix him and miraculously turn him around, especially when SS doesn't respect BF. 

Your BF needs to ride out this CO as is until SS ages out and then, BF needs to move on and let SS make his own bed. Let the real world teach SS a thing or two about his level of entitlement. 

shamds's picture

Who is close to ageing out when court case may be finalised when you're not rich and finances are tight is just a stupid move. I get he feels compelled to do it but do the pros outweigh the cons?

when my husband's exwife cut off contact and disappeared with sd's for 5.5 yrs, hubby tried finding eldest sd at her uni and paged for her, she didn't come.

he knew biomum was a nutjob but courts had awarded her main custody of sd's with hubby getting weekend visits. He had enough trauma from the divorce, he just wasn't gonna take her to court over sd's which he felt was a lost cause anyways.

after 5.5yrs no contact the eldest sd messages hubby saying they both wanna reconnect but then spews so much bullshit lies biomum claimed about hubby. He was in tears at how stupid his daughters could believe this crap but when your mum is that much of a nutjob there isn't much you can do

Biomum has abandoned them again and they're all alone. They reap what they sow. Endless court cases causes trauma to the kids too and especially when biomum isn't being held to account for her end of court order 

Cookieboom's picture

Thank you for all of your replies and advice.  I agree this should be ended, but it’s not my decision and in the past, his lawyer kept enticing BF with all of this “You can get full custody” talk.  I always felt he would never get it, as in my state a mother rarely loses custody, and all BF had for leverage was the fact she left him and SS to run off with a married man, but the mediator made a comment that “It was so long ago I don’t think it can be used against her.” 

The lawyer has since called him after he demanded his money back that he used to replenish his account, and wants to set up a meeting.

I suggested to BF to just let things be, as reading everyone’s comments I told him SS may refuse to go to therapy then what? 

I wish this would be over but I can’t tell BF what to do.  I think in the last year with him losing everything he has started to realize he can’t keep fighting, and I hope this lawyer doesn’t try to rope him into trying for full custody again.

I think BM may be unraveling, since SS told BF she’s drinking a bottle of wine every night and asleep by 7pm, and I think SS may willingly go to BF if he backs off, but that’s just my opinion…She also told SS that she cannot go out and have fun and has no friends and told him, "I have to take care of you, I have no life because of you."

DPW's picture

Enough. Waste of time, money and energy. To what end will your DH suffer for this cause? Lost cause, in my opinion, unfortunately. 

If/when SS wants to pursue living with DH further, just stop. For your sakes. 

I also am suspicious of your DH's attorney. 

Thumper's picture

Unlikly bf will get full custody UNLESS bm is  in handcuffs going to the brink

. Even then, IF she makes bail quick bf may not know she was arrested. This happened to us the first go around. We had no idea bm was carted off to jail the first time. Granny bail out and bm's minions kept very tight lipped, so did the kids. 

Sure wish lawyers would tell their clients, mostly dads,  that the likelihook of getting full custody without x being in the clinker is next to zero. They should. 


ndc's picture

Telling their clients that would cut down on their income, so not likely.  My parents are both lawyers (not family law), so I have nothing against the profession.  But some of the lawyers I read about here just make me shake my head in disgust.