SO rude
My 2 stepdaughters are SO rude. Yes, they are under 4 years old but it is like no one has ever taught them respect or made them listen. EVER. A little bit of back story... my husband and I got them at the beginning of this year after they were with family due to their mother and my husband and I having substance abuse issues, I also started seeing my two preteen children this year. My husband and I have both been clean for over a year and I am pregnant with our first child together. His 2 have some issues due to their mother using while pregnant. They both act so rude and talk back and demand and act like they rule the world. I know this is normal, to an extent, because I raised my 2 up until 3 years ago when I started using. The kids are WORSE than normal. I know I sound horrible saying this but I don't know what to do. My husband does his best with timeouts and talking to them, but there are times I literally can NOT be around them. I can feel my blood pressure rising and on top of regular life stresses, on-line school, especially these days, I know that it is not healthy for the baby I am carrying, so I remove myself from the situation and sit in my room. I feel like nothing ever changes, no matter what we try they are horrible. When they go to their mother's for the weekend they come back saying they hate us, we are bad, my kids are bad, they throw and hit baby dolls, the older hits the younger... Am I just the worst stepmom in the world? Does anyone who has been through something like this have any tips?
I don't think that you are
I don't think that you are the worse stepmom in the world. But my goodness these two children are under the age of 4 and both of their parents have been out of their lives because they were drug abusers. Cut them some slack. They need compassion and guidance. It is going to be hard and am I sure that it will try you, but it is up to your husband to make them feel secure. Counseling sounds like it is definitely in order for all of you.
Misunderstood
I've edited my post because I see you are clean now. Congrats on that!
Agree with others that it is a lot to take on though. You need bio parents to step up too.
Congrats on getting sober. I
Congrats on getting clean. I'm not sure getting pregnant so quickly while trying to deal with 4 other traumatized kids and in new recovery was a great idea - but what's done is done.
Sounds like your DH needs professional help to deal with his children - also sounds like the mother of the children is filling their heads with garbage about the two of you, which likely won't stop even with professional help.
This is likely to be a long and challenging road, please find whatever help you can to deal with it.
1. You are pregnant and
1. You are pregnant and likely you at a place where your POV is more sensitive..
2. You are in recovery yourself (Congratulations!) and don't discount the fact that your own mental health may still not be in total balance. I know my brother still had some fairly long term issues even years and years after he stopped.
3. These are toddlers. To be honest, they don't really have the capacity to be "rude"... Their emotional instincts, actions and responses are much more primitive at their age and they have been through hell their whole lives. First they are born to a mother using.. so they, themselves likely have some effect of that on their own bodies. Then, they have the upheaval of not being in a stable home.. then they are shuttled off to the grandparents where they were likely spoiled as victims of their parents failings. Then they are moved again to a new home with a stepmother and father that they barely know.. and if they remember him.. they remember the "using him".
These kids have not been parented. They have been dealt a crappy hand of cards from before birth. To expect them to behave as 'normal" kids who grew up in a typical nuclear family unit with attentive stable parents is not reasonable.
Your SO and you probably could benefit from some parenting classes. You have some extra difficult work ahead due to the poor start these kids were given. It is not hopless, but it will require patience and much repetition and calm heads. If the kids have some issues that may need medical/mental health intervention.. their father needs to see that is taken care of as well. But there is no magic pill that will fix what is wrong.. it will be work.
Maybe you would also benefit from some counseling for yourself. I can see why you become frustrated.. but honestly, to a large extent this is not the fault of these kids.. even though their behavior is the result of mistakes everyone else made. You and your SO need to be able to help these kids catch up on their development.. in the end, it will be worth it to everyone.
You, yourself, can also try to disengage and put the full plate on your SO.. these are his kids.. he is the one that is responsible for them... maybe you might need to find a place where you could go to escape some of the stress?