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So over this

Carah's picture

Had a great weekend then sd4 comes home from being at bm's she comes in and her cousin is here so she is extremely happy. Cousin goes home sd starts the whining and crying and dear old daaaddy is all over her giving in to every whim. I couldn't take it so I said goodnight and went up to my room. So now SO and I are not even speaking. I can't believe a great weekend is ruined in a matter of minutes by this little brat. Now I'm expected to get her up and ready for school and pick her up since he will be at work and I work from home. I can't handle this shit I want to be no where near her. What am I suppose to do???? I can't handle this!!

Carah's picture

But how am I suppose to do that when she lives here full time he works outside the house I work here and have 2 kids of my own and her mother is only allowed supervised visits and lives half an hour from us and has no license I don't know how I'm suppose to disengage. And if you disengage does that not ruin Ur relationship although at this point I'm not caring too much about that right now I feel so trapped and used.

Carah's picture

But how am I suppose to do that when she lives here full time he works outside the house I work here and have 2 kids of my own and her mother is only allowed supervised visits and lives half an hour from us and has no license I don't know how I'm suppose to disengage. And if you disengage does that not ruin Ur relationship although at this point I'm not caring too much about that right now I feel so trapped and used.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

eeewh, I feel for you, but have no advice either.I don't know if disengaging is always helpful.But it would be good if he would listen and acknowledge your feelings in all this.
He needs to learn to put SD into her place and not allow her to be constantly needy and being babied.Buy stepmonster!

Orange County Ca's picture

If its leterally that bad divorce him now. Daddy is not going to change. As a result his daughter has no reason to change. If you think a 4 year old whining Daaadddyyy is bad wait until your hear a 16yo who wants a car and the money comes out of the vacation fund.

Cut your losses and find one of the million of men out there who do not have children.

Carah's picture

I told him that I will watch her today and tomorrow beyond that it is up to him and bm his response was oh here we go you just can't let things go you have to carry it over to the next day!

WTHDISUF's picture

My DH seemed to think everything was "per incident" too -that once we made it through that one thing then all is well. How silly is that?? Things never get resolved when they are not addressed at the root causes. Like you, I work from home and became Automatic babysitter too. Even though I'm working sometimes 55-60hrs per week, I was tagged to watch him on days school is out, weeks school is out, anytime he got sick and had to be picked up early, anytime BM wanted to go on vacation without him (all the time), over the summer, etc. No one even asked me and I was totally disrespected and my job and time discarded. DH has to be at work between 5-6a so all of the getting ready, taking to school or bus stop was left on me when HE kept the kid (without asking me). I had to adjust MY start time at work to accommodate. I was to just be expected to watch SS8 almost every weekend as DH also works every single Weekend, short days Saturday and all day Sundays. So he wasn't even getting the time in with him-- I Was and I didn't want it.

I finally had enough and started a disengagement that works for me. It does strain and hurt a marriage (and sometimes the kid) to totally disengage and so I made some concessions for DH sake but I put a structure around it that doesn't allow DH or BM to use me. If he wants to allow BM to take advantage of him as he plays Dad to some other man's brat, that's fine but I don't have to play along.

Neither do you and it seems you've made a good start by limiting how often you keep him. Hold your ground even though your DH is going to try to give you trouble about it. He has to learn he can't take advantage of you just because he wants to cater to a spoiled 4yr old who he is simply teaching to manipulate him (and future men). I hate to see what she'll be like as a 14yr old if he keeps this up... Hold your ground.

WTHDISUF's picture

I don't recommend my way - I blew up, threatened to cut off his balls and shove them down his throat and such--lol. Don't do that.

Really I just started saying no. Started in June after I was planning to divorce. Then I found this board and picked up some ideas about disengagement and learned I wasn't alone, which gave me strength and validation that I was not being a b(tch for not wanting to be put upon. I had to make my own decisions about how involved I'd be with SS8. I don't agree with total disagreement-bad for the kid if there's no love from the BM side, bad for me later on when he's older and I haven't had any input due to disengaging, bad for DH to see that I don't want Anything at all to do with his kid. So instead I came up with a partial way that really just began with me starting to say No.

I used to let Dh take advantage of me after BM took advantage of him thinking I'd keep my marriage happier that way, trying not to be a monster, trying to help DH spend time with the child, trying to bond with the kid myself. But a miserable me does not make for a happy marriage so I had to stop letting DH and by proxy BM, take advantage of my time. I have gradually stopped trying to get DH to understand my position, stopped explaining my job, etc. If he said SS8 was coming, I'd say "well here's when I can watch him for you" and it was up to him to figure out how to deal with the other times and days. I didn't say "I can't watch him on this day or that because of" -I can simply not want to and that's that.

I also speak up more often vs trying to be nice about it. I have never really taken crap from SS8 and he doesn't run me. But DH is such a wimp with him that I used to sit and watch the manipulations and catering Dh would do. I stopped that too. Now when I see it, I say something to them both and put a stop to it. DH is happy to be off the hook even if he doesn't necessarily like that I'll call out SS8 mess and end his manipulations, greed, laziness, etc. I'm not even mean about it--just clear and final.

I used to go with them everywhere as Dh wanted me to--"be a happy family" picture. But I wasn't happy and so now about 50% of the time, I send them off on their own to do "man stuff" or bond. I don't feel obligated to go with them anywhere. It gives me peace to have them out of my hair.

So it's stuff like that-- participating when I want to only, not going into endless discussions to plead my case and try to get respect of my time, not accepting whatever they did. DH has no choice but to adapt to my new ways of dealing.

It's only been happening since June and we have to have some "come to Jesus" talks every now and then (like last week with the balls incidents) and we have more work to do regarding his relationship with BM and SS8, but it's a start. Summer ended better than it started, that's for sure. I am starting to feel like ME again and not like a victim of my marriage. Don't let someone else set the pattern for your life. Take it back. It's up to them how they deal with and work out their needs when you opt not to be available. You have to stand strong as they will test to see how serious you are, but hold your ground and it'll sink in to them that "ut oh, this gig is up!"

Good luck!

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

In reply to WTHDSFU.

Everything you said sounds like I had written it myself. Only I have 2 SS one 15 and one 18. Been married 7 misery filled years.

I'm a 3rd - or even 4th wheel in my marriage, coming behind Step-shits and exW.

I put a stop to all that and threatened to leave unless I come first from now on. We are now in counseling but his lack of balls have made me lose respect for him and the passion I once had for him is gone. I see him as a wimp and an asshole now instead of my "Honeypie."

WTHDISUF's picture

Marriedtoballess,yes, that's where I was headed. I told DH that I was going to cut off his balls because he didn't need them or use them anyway so ... yep. I had lost a lot of respect for DH, didn't see him as a capable man and leader, didn't feel attraction to him anymore, etc. It's disgusting to me to see anyone allow themselves to be a doormat. But for him to be a doormat to BM and SS8 was particularly disgusting because SS8 is not his bio-child. He's the product of an affair during their marriage. DH's heart (and some of his own childhood holes) is what makes him want to be this kid's Dad and I can accept that part. What I can't accept is the manipulation by BM, taking advantage of his love and plucking his voids to get him to do crap for her brat. She is not appreciative, not respectful and never asks--just demands. His cowering out of fear that she'll stop him from being in kids life was like a dark cloud over our marriage.

But once I realized I had become a by-proxy doormat, that was it for me. I was not going to let my marriage kill "me" and so I started restructuring this whole thing. Bit by bit I'm seeing little results here and there, small victories in DH's attempts to deal with BM differently and I haven't seen SS8 since Aug. 23rd. He went home on Aug. 26th when school started (I was out of town before he left, thank goodness). Normally he'd have been here at least once by now so maybe there's hope. Maybe there's hope for us all!