You are here

So DH called his sister about what OSD did to me

Disillusioned's picture

So further to my post about the 'thank you' OSD posted publicly in which she referred to DH's sister by first and last name (same as my last name/DH's of course) and BM by first and last name (also same last name as she kept that name although her and DH are divorced) and then me by my first and MAIDEN name, DH decided tonight he would phone his sister for her thoughts and what OSD was thinking in doing that

I figured DH's sister would defend OSD, never ever support me in any way, because she is the one leading/encouraging OSD to do this in the first place!

So, first of all, DH's sister carries on as if she didn't 'really' read the post. Of course by her response it was obvious she had totally read it

Then she starts saying how she never really chats or gets into any discussions on Facebook

DH says neither does Disillusioned and we mentioned I'm not friends with OSD on Facebook, that I only learned of her post through YSD responding to it. And that DH felt by asking her opinion on what OSD could have meant, would help us to understand if it was nothing and maybe me or DH being over-sensitive, or if there was something we're missing here

We also added that this post she sent was after she had already not called DH for his birthday, nor had SGS call him, which they do on our home phone every single year, so these two incidents combined make us wonder if there is an issue with her

DH's sister's response?

"Well DH, you once told me I'm an insignificant part of the family, so well, you know....."

Like, seriously?!!

DH says "whether I did or did not do something like that, 20 years ago, has nothing to do with what I'm phoning you about now"

DH's sister continues in this nonchalant "well, you know, you once told me that I'm insignificant. You did. You said that to me DH"

Then she starts to CRY



DH repeats whether he did or did not do that has nothing to do with what OSD just did to me, that he wants to understand what exactly her issue is, that he is NOT happy she is treating his wife this way, especially after all the time, money and effort I gave to her this weekend in helping host the shower for YSD, not a good way in his opinion to say thank you"

DH's sister again acted like really she wasn't that interested or seriously could care less.

She ended by saying she would "like to think that it was simply and oversight by OSD" and also that OSD had simply 'forgotten' to phone DH on his birthday with all the stress from YSD's shower and all...

Good one

I guess DH's sister's point was 'why do you care DH that someone tried to indicate Disillusioned is insignificant, when you made ME feel insignificant - THAT'S what matters, not Disillusioned"!

That couldn't be more clear to me

The whole conversation was pointless and stupid, except, I actually think she was crying because it occurred to her that HER brother was really angry that me, his wife, had been mistreated. And of course, she is feeling jealous and ticked off that I would be treated with such importance by DH, when she feels that should be reserved for her of course who is just so much more important than me to him

What a messed up family!!

Icansorelate's picture

wow, that is some insight into her issues. was it really 20 years ago that DH may have said that to her? Long before you were even in the picture is my guess?

How old is SIL? Not that it matters, but I am always amazed when people old enough to get over childhood hurts bring them into their adult relationships.

If I was you, I would totally disengage from OSD and SIL (and BM) at this point. They should be dead to you- do not give them the satisfaction of reacting to anything they say or do...just completely write them off. Do not give them the satisfaction of any further reaction by you or DH to anything they do or say.

And, defintitely no more joint celebrations with BM. It is clear that OSD is still harboring the fantasy that DH and BM will get back together.

twoviewpoints's picture

If I recall correctly the oldest SD is like 34 and the youngest is 4-ish years younger.

" If he is the type guy that only calls when he needs someone, I get the response"

He's not. I would think he very likely put his meddling sister in her place when she stuck her two cents in his face. Unsolicited and unwelcomed.

twoviewpoints's picture

The twenty year ago incident, not the recent phone call.

As to the phone call, I don't see calling the third hostess on the bridal shower for some clarification as to what's up with the deliberately rude 'thank-you' note and asking if she has any insight as inappropriately out of line. The SIL played a leading role in all the conference call shenanigans after all.

Icansorelate's picture

the childhood hurts are usually behind the adult sibling "issues". I did not state that the conversation happened in childhood. The two thoughts were in two seperate paragraphs.

Amcc13's picture

Why did he call sister in law? Why not call older step directly and get things from the horses mouth? I am hoping he plans to discuss this with the actual perpetrator so that you can get to the actual bottom of things ( I know we all know why but it's good to see him take some action)
As for his sister , she is a piece of work ... Manipulative crying over something said 20 years ago which has nothing to do with the convo now- if she wants to have a convo about that then she should have it at a different time and not be bringing it up now - it's not what he called her about, he called his sister looking for help and maybe some insight.
If at some stage he and her do want to discuss this thing that happened 20 years ago and clear the air/apologise for saying it/talk about their relationship they should go for it. And if he did say it well he should clear the air with her maybe.
But that doesn't change the current situation where she is a b**ch to you and older step daughter is one to you as well. So she can stop her crying and stand by her own actions as well.

I think your partner needs to speak with his daughter and make it clear his position on things for this event and from now on. However be prepared - you know as soon as sister got off phone to dh she rang step daughter - back lash is probably coming !!!

Rags's picture

DDD. Deflect, defer, delegate. She deflected with redirecting the discussion and with tears, she defered the issue by lying about reading the message, she delegated the issue to your DH on some likely as not made up event long in the past.

Smoke and mirrors.

She played the DDD card well.

You and DH should keep up the full frontal confrontation on this crap each and every time it surfaces. No quarter, zero tolerance, and most of all enjoy baring their idiot asses. }:)

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Spot on Rags! Couldn't agree more.

I am also of the mindset that DH should have called adult SD. How can his sister know what SD was thinking when she wrote that??? Doesn't make sense. Putting his sister in the middle knowing she is very loyal to SD was not a nice move at all. Put her on the spot and made her feel bad for being in the middle.

Again, ignore OSD - she has issues and no amount of discussion is going to solve them. She is too old to change now. She actually will likely get worse. My OSD got worse - she will be 40 this year.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture


hereiam's picture

she is the one leading/encouraging OSD to do this in the first place

Then why on Earth would your DH call her about what OSD did? If he wants to know why she did it and what she meant by it, why not call OSD? Did he really expect to get any "insight" from his sister?

You both know why she did it and why she didn't call your DH on his birthday, so why say you just want to understand if it was nothing or you are being too sensitive? You post over and over again about her shenanigans and how she treats you, you know it was not "nothing".

Messed up family is right.

SM12's picture

I feel it is a pretty simple fix to the situation and to find out what her true intentions were.

Go back to the Facebook post, in the comments type your Correct name to show her she made an error and leave it at that.
She will then be corrected in front of everyone making OSD look like a petty person who did that on purpose.

Disillusioned's picture

DH's sister is 57 icansorelate (she is 4 years younger than DH, and 7 years older than me)

And I agree that really is insight into her own issues.

She, BM and OSD pretty much are dead to me, I do have some interaction at some of DH's family events that can't be avoided, but I certainly do avoid THEM at those events.

They (DH's sister and OSD) will be at our place for DH's birthday dinner this evening Sad I think not only will I be doing the ignore, ignore, ignore, routine but most likely DH too at this point

Disillusioned's picture

I would imagine HRNYC that IF DH had ever said something like that to his sister, it would have been retaliation for something nasty she had done to him.

Not that it makes it right, but as DH says, his sister is a real "orchestrator" she is always behind the scenes bad-mouthing DH & I to FIL, and to SD's (even tries that with me on occasion thinking I might join in with the bad-mouthing of DH) siding against us with BM

Regardless of what he may or may not have said, DH is correct that not only was it a long time ago but it had nothing to do with the current issue

DH's sister was simply showing her true colours - trying to make a point that why should he care about that happening to ME his wife, when he did that to her his sister

So stupid IMO

Disillusioned's picture

Amcc13 wow, everything in your post was exactly what I said to DH.

I don't mind that he called his sister but I also mentioned to him that if he wanted to resolve the issue why not call his daughter directly and ask her, since she is the one who did it, and quite frankly he would get nowhere with his sister as she will only side with OSD

....with all that said, I'm glad he/we did speak with his sister, valuable insight for both of us especially DH as to where her head is on everything, most especially DH & I. He is seeing her true colours very clearly now too

Amcc13's picture

It's such a pain that you have to go round with this lot causing trouble
I hope you and dh enjoy the bday dinner tonight regardless of their bad attitude
I would like to see dh call sd put in person but maybe not on bday dinner night

Disillusioned's picture

The answer to your question imaSmom is simple; DH's sister

She is the reason there are so many against DH

She is younger than DH and has always lived in his shadow, he the family favorite, always the popular and outgoing one with lots of friends and girlfriends. She has few friends that I know of, no kids, never married, never even so much as had a boyfriend in the 18+ years I've known her. They have always had a love/hate relationship.

Apparently she was terrible to BM while DH and BM were married, but the moment DH and BM divorced (because DH had an affair and remained with that woman for another 3 years after the divorce) his sister transferred all her 'hate' to DH and his new girlfriend, and suddenly DH's sister and BM were "best friends"

Now that the old girlfriend is out of the picture, and I've been with DH for the last 18 years, I'm the target

DH's sister goes behind our backs and puts DH down to anyone who will listen - his own daughters, of course BM, FIL, SSIL's family, it goes on and on

She is a problem all by herself, and teamed up with OSD and bM, it's been a constant nightmare for DH & I

Stepped in what momma's picture

I guess I am still confused why he called his sister to ask about his adult daughter. Why not call his daughter?

I think you are sweating the small stuff, stop worrying about these people by doing it you are allowing them to do exactly what they want. Who gives two shi*s if they know you're name or not? Be better than them.

Disillusioned's picture

Maybe you should read the previous posts TuesdaysGone before offering comments on something you clearly know nothing about, sames goes for you Ladyface since NOWHERE did it say that I look at her social media. Don't start judging and making false accusations on your own uninformed assumptions. Waste of time reading 'feedback' such as that!

Stepped in what momma's picture


Disillusioned's picture

You assumed wrong Stepped in what!

First of all, try actually reading through the post. You will see it was clearly addressed to Tuesdaysgone and Ladyface. They were clearly identified, by avatar. guess you didn't read that part, huh?

And as for your second post to follow - I'll ignore it as I'm assuming you mistook the message to be directed at you, and that was how you responded.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I guess I am still confused why he called his sister to ask about his adult daughter. Why not call his daughter?

Disillusioned's picture

I agree with you Stepped in what. I asked DH the same thing. DH is afraid of OSD I think. She loves to pull the old 'I'll walk out of your life' card if she is called on any of her behavior. And now that she is the mother of two of DH's grandchildren, the risk is bigger in his eyes

Calling his sister was a weak approach, hoping for insight from her but also that the message might get to OSD via his sister

In my opinion it might make matters worse, but DH did what he felt was a first step in addressing it