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so desperate

justconfused's picture

Pleaseeee someone offer insight on this, I am so lost. For starters, I don't have SO come to my house when he has his children anymore (long story), so we spend time when SO gives the BM the kids, she is a regular every other weekend and wednesday overnight. I told him to give her more time (she's nuts but she also deserves it because she has shown up nonstop for 2 yrs now, she doesn't have the resources to fight him in court), the children are not well behaved and I have my own offspring to protect. 


SO told me last week that he gave his BM Monday and Tuesday overnights instead of the Wednesday night now. SS(8) has sport practices Tuesdays, now I knew he gave her the Tuesday and she usually decides NOT to take SS to sporting practices, it's about a 60/40 chance... so he just told me that he still has SS but BM picked up SD. It DRIVES ME CRAZY that he always bails BM out. I feel that it is her responsibilty to take SS to his commitments on her time. If it is her weekend and SS has anything sports related, SO will go pick up SS if she says she will not take him. I feel that SS has to take that up with his BM and SO must  stop bailing her out. That is SS mother and he must take it up with her, whether she chooses to disappoint him or not. BM desparately wants SO back, they have been apart for 3.5 yrs.. we have been together for 1.5. He agreed to stop bailing her out, but since he voluntarily gave her this Tuesday night.... is it okay that he still has SS, since he wants to take him to practice? BUT that ruins our night, we barely get any time anyways. Chances are, he will not take SS over to BM's house after practice and even if he does, it'll be so late. I feel like sports and bailing BM out is coming before the relationship. If we have a baby, he will miss our baby's things because he's so busy bailing her out. BUT Since he voluntarily gave her this tuesday, do the "bail out" rules not apply? And how can you just take one kid but not the other? 

I feel that it is BM's responsibilty on her alloted time to take children to her commitments, not his to work around her not wanting to do her motherly duties.. PLEASE anyone give me an opinion. I haven't opened my mouth yet because I don't want this to turn into a "whats best for SS" situation is that whoever takes him takes him.. also SS is a brat who doesn't appreciate anything and doesn't really care that much to go or not go, hell if it were up to SS he would have chosen to go with BM. Is it different because he chose to give her the Tuesday's? It's like there are stipulations to giving her the kid.. sure you can just have 1.. but that leaves us again, no time together.. On CO Wednesday's and her weekends, he definitely SHOULD not bail her out and I would be livid but I am treading this one lightly.


SORRY so long.. just so angry 

tog redux's picture

Well - was BM in on the decision to put him in sports? If not, then she can't be expected to transport him on her time. SO should do it if he didn't get her agreement to sign him up and that she'd transport him on her time. 

justconfused's picture

So you don't think that SS should just skip practice on her nights? That's how I feel but good point you brought up. To me, it's either time with BM or sports... if she never transports him, she will never see SS because SO is crazy deep into sports. Thank you for your response. 

ESMOD's picture

"SO is crazy deep into sports"

This is parental alienation tactics to fill your kid up with activities the other parent can't support. 

If your SO signs him up.. he should be responsible.. but he also shouldn't sign the kid up for things that interfere with time with his mother.


tog redux's picture

The CP (your SO) has a duty to encourage a relationship with the NCP. If he wants SS to play sports, it's her decision whether or not she takes him on her time, not SO's.  And SO doesn't get to decide what happens on her time. Yes, I think he should either skip practice, or if BM is OK with it, then SO can transport him, but she doesn't have to.

Rags's picture

I waffle on this one.  On the one hand the CP has the responsibility to honor the NCP's CO'd visitation. On the other hand.... if the NCP makes no effort I do not think that the CP has any duty at all to encourage the child abandoned by the NCP to have a relationship with the NCP.

How this unfolds is IMHO entirely dependent on the NCP to make happen.  The CP cannot interfere but... neither should the CP chase the child abandoning NCP to take visitation.  In the situation where the kid is abandoned by the NCP, the CP just needs to be sensitive to the kid's processing of the NCP situation and keep the kid appraised of the facts of the  history and behaviors of all envolved.

ESMOD's picture

I read through your post but all I needed to read was the first paragraph.  This is not the right relationship for you.

It doesn't matter that he is "super perfect" when he is with you without the kids.  That is only a temporary situation for him because he IS a father to two children that you cannot stand to be around.  At any time, he could become 100% responsible for them.. BM could die.. flake out.. and it would be 100% of the time for him. 

You can't deal with him with his kids there.. he is not the right man for you.  His kids are part of him and his life.. you can't separate them in a serious relationship... not minor children especially.  So.. cut your losses.. and move on and let him move on.


Re BM... it's really sad if she won't take her kid to sport practices he likes.. but, it is what it is.. you.. your SO.. neither of you can force his EX to do anything she doesn't want to do.

She still carries a flame for your SO.. I'm sure that's awfully flattering for him to have two women fighting for his attention and affection.. big ego stroke there...phhhhffft.. whatevery.  Why on earth do you even know that?  He should just be shutting down BM.. not telling you and making you unsettled.

Again, the issues with BM are neither here,.. nor there.. because you aren't right for each other based on the fact he has these kids.

justconfused's picture

I hang out with the kids on weekends, during the day. His son is a pervert and I have a daughter, he is not sleeping here. He has been caught watching pornos. I feel like it's ok to set the boundary.. that if it is her night, it is her obligation. 

ESMOD's picture

aiyayayai... you know.. kids will be curious about stuff right.. and just because a kid looks at that stuff.. even more than once doesn't make them a pervert.. though it is quite likely pretty confusing to a young kid..and their PARENT needs to be involved and monitoring screen time etc..

But, we aren't here to discuss the way your SO parents his kid.  We are here because you are asking for advice on this relationhsip when you have to maintain these strict boundaries between your kids and his.

If his child is truly a pervert, as you claim,  why are you going to continue to put your daughter at potential risk of exposure to such a bad child.  It might get worse as they both get older ... and you can't be there "all the time".

And.. believe me.. molestation can happen during the day.. just as easily in an overnight situation.. so if both kids are together and not 100% being watched at all times.. something could happen if the boy is truly inclined.

So.. staying with a guy with a perverted kid that is a danger to your daughter?  How do you forsee this relationship progressing?  separate homes for the next 10 plus years?  do you think his kid will just disappear?


ESMOD's picture

oh.. geez.. I see in your post where you are talking about having a baby with him.. lordy...

I will point out the clear issue with this.

If you have a child with this man let's say it's a pretty little girl.. and it doesn't work out between you.. your SO will get custody time with your shared baby and guess what?  he will allow his kids to be around each other.. including the "pervert".. and you won't be there to stop it... he will have his kids without you around.

If you cannot have him and his children in a home with your kids.. overnight.. how do you imagine life will work?  he WILL get custody of his son at times.. so.. you aren't gonna ditch that kid.  sorry.. but your end game doesn't match reality of your situation.

ndc's picture

From your perspective, your SO taking his son to sports practice is "bailing out BM."  From his perspective, it's probably spending enjoyable time with his son and honoring the commitment he made when he signed him up for a sports team.  And it is not fair for an 8 year old to have to navigate this - he shouldn't have to "take it up" with his mother so she doesn't disappoint him.  Dad signed him up (presumably without BM's commitment to get him there), so dad should make sure he gets there.

Are your SO and BM divorced?  I wasn't sure what you meant when you said she was trying to get him back - is she trying to slow down/stop a divorce, or to reconcile after they've already been divorced?  In any event I think it would be a mistake to have a baby with this man anytime soon.  You don't want his kids around and you're trying to encourage him to give the BM more time with the kids, even as you say that she's not particularly responsible for getting them to their activities.  If he has primary custody, I'd sure there's a reason for that.  It seems like a situation where he could find himself with more time rather than less time.  Right now you're not his priority, so I'd let the dust settle before making any moves that would permanently tie you to this man and his ill behaved offspring.


stepmominhiding's picture

I suggest you tell DH you think he shojld give BM days that sd is not in sports since she won't take him.  She wasn't consulted about said sports. Since dh is super into sports any practice should be done on his own time. 

I'm out's picture

I think you're missing a big point here. Your oh has CHOSEN to take ss to his sports. Bm did not force him and nor did ss. Sometimes I think it's easier to pin the blame onto bm rather than admit to yourself that actually this is oh's doing.

Of course he's not obligated to take him on bm's time it's bm's obligation. I agree this is not the right relationship for you and I'm not saying that in a rude way, I don't think it would be the right relationship for many people. I'd be super annoyed in your position, it doesn't sound like you see much of eachother as it is let alone giving up one of your nights to take ss to his sports practice. 


SteppedOut's picture


OP: how do you plan on this relationship progressing? And, if you have a baby with him chances are he will want the baby to have a relationship with his other kids (the ones you can't stand).

Sometimes love is not enough to sustain a relationship. There is a lot more to a relationship besides "love".

I agree with all of the posters that have said this is not the relationship for you.

NoThanks's picture

I don’t think this is the relationship for you, Hun. If you are that concerned about his son being a perv that you’ve restricted him being at your house, I don’t see how you guys have a future. Not every relationship is a fit and that’s okay. Cut your loses and move on. 

I'm out's picture

Someone said on here the other day something that really resonated with me and I hope it will with you too. "You know what a legitimate relationship feels like." 

We do know what it feels like to have someone head over heels for us and 100% invested in a relationship with us. Anything less than that just isn't worth it. We deserve to be with someone who feels excited to see us when they dont see us all that often, looks forward to seeing us and wouldnt cancel seeing us unless it really couldnt be helped. Hard as it is to let go (believe me I know) it's better to be honest with ourselves than carry on with this sort of stress for years to come for someone who cant or won't put us as a priority. I wish you lots of luck.

ESMOD's picture

I hope you do make the best decision for you.  Unfortunately as many people find out.. "love is not enough".  It might seem like in the movies that it can cross all bridges and mend all faults.  But it doesn't and it can't and while there can be love between two people.. the two people don't live in a vacuum.  There are other family.. kids.. geographical distances.. cultures.. religions etc.. ALL of which can pose insurmountable options. 

The ideal that this person is perfect.. if only.. is hard to overcome... especially when the living breathing entities that need to be overcome are his own children.  He can't.. won't turn his back.. and really shouldn't.  In a perfect world we could rewind and swoop in and head off BM at the pass and be there with the guy first.  But.. we can't do that.  We have to accept them in the state that they are currently in.

I don't feel like a guy with kids you don't like/trust etc.. is someone that would  be a good partner and father to future children... it just won't work.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

You could always just try to steal him from his kids, but you'll have to live with those consequences. It won't be a happy relationship.

You'll also be a hypocrite because you have your own spawn trailing you around, I could see the qualms if you didn't already reproduce.

Yeah, leave. Unless it's just for physical reasons on Wednesday nights. He does like his kids, it's obvious. The overnights could just be to satisfy his consistent lay. I don't see a man giving up his kids every night for that though.