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So confusing stepkids

Jackielynn2000's picture

Well here I am again...another roller coaster. My husband and I have been together going on 12 years-we now have a 3 year old who is amazing & we have such a peaceful calm happy life...his 2 daughters whom I used to be very close with up until pregnancy...I was close with bm too. Anyway sd14 came around for a while but sd16 had some major issues with me and made up false cps alligations...all went unfounded. Long story short I tried to get past it but she again went on a rant that her dad abused her as a child...many lies. Even told everyone her last boyfriend beat her. Very big attention seeker. Not to blame diagnosis but she does - she says she is HF autistic adhd and has anxiety and blames her behavior on those diagnosis. 

I'm sorry but I can't deal with that. I'm a nurse who works with children and my lawyer whom I hired when cps came over told my i could loose working with children if her lies were believed. 

Now all of the sudden today my husband gets messages saying that they are no longer mad at either of us and want their family back...but absolutely refuse family counseling because they are "grown, mature and no longer little kids". It's like no matter what my husband says they repeat what mom says. It's a never ending cycle. I'm trying to keep my distance but also feel for my husband...but at th3 same time I miss sd14. She came around up until a year ago. She never made false cps allegations and we were so close. 

I'm torn how to handle because everything is so wishy washy and I'm scared but also wish things could go back to how they were!

SteppedOut's picture

The risk of losing your own child and your career should be enough?

Me? The liar would never be in my home again. Ever. The younger one is likely poisoned by the older SD. You could possibly try with her... but, again, risk v reward seems to high. 

Jackielynn2000's picture

Trust me I know. I feel this 1000%. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can step away. I'll never trust sd16 again. I have a soft spot for sd14 but your right I'm sure she's highly influenced by her sister and mom. 

They think im "dramatic" for reacting the way I have with cps. Clearly they don't get it. 

I'm trying to find a happy medium to where my husband is happy and so am I without causing too much conflict. It's very wishy washy.

Kaylee's picture

Personally I wouldn't trust either of the SDs, the BM, and your inlaws ever again.

Letting any of them back into your life will only cause conflict.

You say you want to avoid conflict, so there's your answer. Stay away from the lot of them.

If your H wants to see them, you set boundaries eg he can see them outside the home.  And your bio won't be going with him on those visits.  My boundary as regards your bio would be that unless both girls attend family therapy, apologise for the false allegations, and prove by their actions that they are truly remorseful, then they don't get to have a relationship with their sister.

Survivingstephell's picture

I have 3 adult skids that were violent as teens in various ways.  Our bio13 doesn't know them and personally I'd like to keep it that way.  Who knows what HCBM put in their heads growing up?  They would hurt her emotionally for sure. Use her for money.  I just can't drop the fear of them retaliating as HCBM's proxy.   

So, no.  You do not let them in the house or near your bios   .  Maybe when  your bios are older and the fear of losing your career or them or both is gone things might be able to change but for now sit tight.  

It's way too soon to even consider opening that door.  They caused a lot of drama and hurt. That requires  consequences, not rug sweeping.  

CajunMom's picture

DHs youngest daughter accused me of mental and emotional abuse. I have a copy of the email she sent DH. Like you, I have some clearances. I worked in the school system, work in some lay counseling areas and have worked with our local rape crisis centert which also works with childhood abuse, both kids and adults. I told DH the same thing your attorney told you. Then I proceeded to tell him I have no problem pursuing a slander suit against her, proof in hand. So tell your daughter she shuts her mouth about me or I'll see her in court. Apparently, she got the message because I never heard anymore and then about a year later, she tells DH, "Tell CajunMom I love her and respect her." Whatever, crazy woman. While I've not seen DHs kids in 4+ years, it's been close to 10 years since I've seen that one. She will NEVER have a place in my life again without making amends over that disgusting and FALSE statement about me. 

So, as someone said...your career and your child? Or a SK that is clearly still behaving as they were in the past? Sorry, but without changed behavior, would not allow them back in my life. They're your DHs kids. Let him deal with them but I would not subject myself to their hatred again. Best to you.

AgedOut's picture

It sounds like they/BM have decided that CPS is a tool and you have to draw that line because their next lie could make you lose your own child. You could lose your child because they want to lie. Do not trust them, do not bend. Don't let them try to make your child be taken away from you. Close your eyes and imagine how you/DH/your little one would feel as CPS rips the baby away from you. 


Do. Not. Trust. Them. A rabid animal will keep biting. 

ESMOD's picture

Actions speak louder than words.  

If he wants.. your DH should see his kids outside the home.. if it appears that they have really turned over a new leaf.. at some point in the future.. you could decide to join him to test those waters... but cautiously.  I don't think that they should get to brush their actions under the rug.. they need to acknowledge how the accusations were dangerous.. untrue and hurtful and they should be showing remorse for that behavior.. without that.. I would have a hard time burrying the hatchet.

Maxwell09's picture

I would have cameras inside and around the house to prevent further accusations of abuse from taking form. I would let the SD's see the cameras as well. Being a liar is not necessarily attributes of the mental health diagnosi that you mentioned and I would point that out if one of the SD's tries to throw it out there as an excuse. But allowing them to come back without any new boundaries will only lead to this repeating itself. 

lala-land's picture

Your SD16 behavior was way beyond typical teenager stunts.  She can blame this on whatever mental illness she wants, but when trust is gone, there is no relationship.  She could have cost you access to your child, your job, your marriage and your reputation.  I don't understand why your DH would want to expose you or your DD3 to any of that.  Personally, I would not let that individual back into my life anytime soon and let her suffer the repercussions of her choices.  It sounds like she is still making up horrible accusations against people that she is supposedly close to and that eventually this will end badly for her.  Why invite that level of chaos into your life?