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aperry's picture

Ok so yesterday my SD BM mother called her and she hasn't talked to or seen her since the wk before Christmas, and my SD5 ask her if she "knows her mommys in jail" well of course the gma says yes (because her mom is her daughter).... So she says she will take her to go see her and my HUSBAND agrees!!! WTH!!! She is 5 really so lets reward the POS BM by letting the 5yo who she DOESNT even have custody of because she chose NOT to because she would rather do DRUGS see this innocent child that I AM raising!!! Not only that thats not even the biggest concern.... I am going to have to be the one that when my SD comes home and is all upset because she seen her mommy and couldn't stay with her she vents to and wants to be with.... Thats NOT fair to me... All I do is TRY so hard to be the BEST SM to this little girl and treat her and my son NO differntly and I don't even have a SAY in this... plus her dad told me a few months ago he wasn't going to let her see her there...that it wasn't fair to her to see her mom in that place.... SO WHY NOW WHY CHANGE HIS MIND I am soooo ANGRY!!! Wut do I need to do? Do I j/step back or do I raise my opinion and fight this!?! I'm looking out for my SD whether they see it or not... It is not fair she's 5 she's FINALLY for the 1st time in her life stable and now this? Really!?! HELP ME!!!! Sad

dledden's picture

NO NO NO, this child should absolutely NOT be going into a prison to visit her monther.

My soon to be ex husband tried to murder me (stabbing me eleven times with butcher and kitchen knives) about 3 years ago in FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN......he is of course now in prison......the kids are both suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.....he had the BALLS to try, from prison, to take me to court, to try to have his nasty ass sister take my kids, 4x a year, to visit him in prison. Of course when the court date came up, (he participated by phone from jail), the judge basically laughed him out of the courtroom and said, um....sorry but NO WAY IN HELL.

You share this story with your husband if you want, but the COURT felt that my kids should not be going into a prison, i'm sure a court would agree that your sd shouldn't be in a prison at that age either!

Good luck!!

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

I assume you and your DH have full custody? If that's the case I would tell your DH how you feel and put your foot down on the matter. I know if it were me I would NEVER expose a 5 year old to a jail, is that really how the child should remember her mother?

aperry's picture

We have joint custoday w/ the grandmother that wants to take her to see her BM (who hasn't seen her but MAYBE 6x's in 7months).... but still my BS5 and my husband are VERY close and I asked him if he would let my son go see his dad like how would he feel and he was like IDK I know he wouldn't he would throw a FIT about it! So I don't understand.... I don't think she should go I agree with you I would NEVER expose a 5yo to jail... Idk me and my husband have a lot to talk about before she goes...I just hope they don't try and take her this wknd.... ugh I'm disgusted that they would even want her to go...

aperry's picture

I guess I just know how hurt she was when she seen her mom get arrested (this happend sometime last yr or the yr before I dont even remember now)... but your right I dont think its fair to me... I'm tired of being the one raising this baby and her BM still getting so much credit and the bitch is in jail... my husband was at one time an addict when he was teenager we met and he j/stopped completely... me I have never been addicted to anything so maybe thats why I don't understand her situation but I want to believe that surely I would be able to stop for my child why can she not for hers! I HATE her for what she is putting my SD through it is not fair! Not fair at all!!! I just dont think this baby deserves it at all! I don't know I have such mixed feelings especially after reading what you said about letting her go...ugh I just don't know.

aperry's picture

Thats how I feel if she wanted a relationship w/SD then she should've stayed off drugs and out of trouble and this baby would be living w/her instead of me and my DH!

mella's picture

What about something in-between like talking to BM on the phone or sending her letters? How long is she in jail for?

Is your SD in any kind of counseling where you could run this by them and see what their professional take is on it?

aperry's picture

In order for her to talk on the phone we have to put like $40 or something on our phone, I don't really understand it BM mom was telling me about it...And I'm not doing that... I mean I'm not makin an extra expense for the BM ya know? I thought about getting her address and letting SD write letters/draw pictures, or maybe send some school work to her... There is no telling how long she violated a 3 yr probation she had just gotten on (drug charges) and has credit card abuse (she stole her x's moms credit card(she use to be a lawyer lol) ), and had numerous warrents out and has bail jumping in the town we live in so she cannot make bail... so Idk and still hasn't gone to court for the stuff she was arrested for (drugs) in the town we live in and has warrents here as well and when she was pulled over in the other town had drugs,pills,ect. on her... so I'm not sure... no one is...she quit paying her lawyer so she doesn't have him anymore I don't guess... And SD is more worried about her mom like in a parental sort of way its really sad... its like the 5yo is the parent there not the mom....

justa102's picture

I've been to jail and prison and seen these little kids visiting. WAIT lemme rephrase that.. I've been to jail and prison TO VISIT (not to stay) haha! I realized that first line would make you guys think I've been to jail and prison. LOL. It really dumbfounded me that parents or guardians would allow them to be there. I understand, for some, there's a strong want to see your kid but I think it's a little selfish to bring a child that young to see her mom or dad in jail. In many cases, and I've know a lot of people who went to jail, they've actually lied to the child instead of telling them they were in jail. My sister for instance was in rehab for a 2 months when my niece was younger. Before her mom left she told her daughter that she was going away to some state for job training. My niece was young so she believed her. I don't think many parents WANT their kids to know their in jail or rehab. But you're in a circumstance where the BM could care less. My niece, who is now 14, can't stand her mom but she still hopes that she'll get better and still does love her.. but she really can't stand seeing her high. In the end that is her mother and nothing can take that away. Me and my mom have to try and be "mommy's" to my 14 year old niece and have been for the past 7 years.

Personally I don't think it's right for the child to go and it is terrible that you're the one that will have to deal with hearing how she couldn't stay with her mom and all the frustrations that come with that. I would bring it up to SO that you don't think it's fair she's going for a visit in jail. It's not a place a little girl should be. Phone calls and letters would work out a lot better. Then someone could help SD write a letter back and she could also draw a picture. There would be less aggravation. But if SO still says she's going after you talk to him you'll have to prepare yourself for when SD comes home from the visit.

beyond pissed-off's picture

I am a criminal law attorney and I have spent a fair amount of time in jails visiting clients. They are frightening places even when you KNOW you get to leave. Alarms and bells going off all the time, frisking of visitors who do not have special passes, a truly horrible feeling when the door behind you closes but the other one in front of you does not immediately open. Plus you have NO control over how the other inmates are going to behave during the time she is there. I have seen horrible scenes in visiting rooms ranging from children and adults crying because of the heightened emotion to outright physical fighting.

It is rough for an adult. NO WAY would I inflict that on a child. I don't care if it is a county, state or federal - none of them are places for children. BM can have plenty of contact through letters and phone. If it costs her family a little extra for the phone privileges then that is on her. I would bet major cash that they give her money for things at the commissary like snacks and toiletries. She can spend some of that on speaking to her child.

Yes, there is "scared straight" but that is for older children - NOT preschoolers!

aperry's picture

I think I'm going to talk with my husband about us j/ allowing SD to write BM and send pictures. I just don't think its very fair to SD... she is 5 but just TURNED 5 on 11/30/11. So I think that is to much for her right now and its the middle of the school year and honestly I don't want her going to school telling everyone about her mommy being in jail... Hopefully my husband will feel the same. We are polar opposites lol and both stubborn as hell - ought be an interesting conversation lol!!!! Thank you ALL so much for yall's inputs KEEP THEM COMING I NEED HELP!!!! just keep me in yalls prayers tonight lol Smile

aperry's picture

I am so glad you put this because I wasn't quite sure about how to approach the situation! That helps sooo much!!!! And yes I need to do some research and we have talked about putting SD in counciling so we may can talk somemore about that. And I think if I take that approach he will not have a reason to be defensive and will take it alot better. Thank you Smile And if he insist on taking her still instead of the gma taking her I am going to tell him WE need to be the ones to take her... her gma will "play" in on it way to much and SD will be BOMBARDED with questions,not that we have anything to be kept from BM but thats not the time or place, she is there to spend a little time w/ her mom... and thats all.

aperry's picture

No we all get along really well... me and BM use to be good friends (before the drug thing), and me,BM, and my husband all have "hung out" before and stuff... its not the typical hate relationship I only HATE her because I see what she has done to my SD... DH & BM were never a couple they were best friends all their lives had a one night thing and boom here came SD!!! lol.... Gma LOVES LOVES LOVES drama and 90% of problems we have had is because of her & her mouth... thats why I think it would be better or us to take her

RaeRae's picture

My stepmom used to take me to the county jail, and then to the prison, to see my mom. I think that was nice of her. She went to jail when I was a toddler, and got out before I turned 10.

hbell0428's picture

I remember visiting my BioDad in places like that and I was 10.......not a good memory at all! I would not let the child go and I hope your feelings about this will be taken seriously!'s picture

Everything that is going on here is SO sad. Drug addiction should not be a crime, but a social health issue. They should be in hospitals, not jails. And just because some rich guys in congress who drink to excess, get dui's, etc. and love their alcohol decided to outlaw certain drugs, doesn't mean that people who use other drugs don't need them as much as these idiots "need" their alcohol! And the only reason we think these people are losers is because they are committing this "crime" according to our's SAD. People who use drugs do so for various reasons, often self-medicating. Jailing them does absolutely nothing to help them and makes them worse when they get out. No, the child shouldn't go to the jail. That's where criminals live. Some for drugs, others for assault, murder, etc. Not where a child should be. Nor where a drug addict should be. Vent over LOL
P.S. I've NEVER taken illegal drugs (not even tried marijuana) and don't take "legal" drugs either.

aperry's picture

I agree BM needs rehab thats for sure however she has done various "criminal" acts as well. I wish she could get better for SD I really do because I see who it hurts the most.... But right now she needs to be in jail - since rehab is not an option for the time being... but since she was "dealing and doing" she doesn't need to be out on the streets or around SD either.... its such a mess!

bestwife's picture

But what if they have been to rehab a dozen times? Not an exaggeration. I know someone who went over 20 times. She is in prison now. There is not a reputable rehab place in the country that will accept her anymore.

She's actually better off in prison than living on the streets.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I absolutely do not think the child should go, but if push ever comes to shove in this and somehow this child is forced to go then I think you and her dad should be the ones to take her, you are her constants, you are her security and no one other than yourselves should take her. That said, hell would freeze over before I would let my kids be taken to visit someone in jail. But again as I said if legally I had no option then I would have been the one to do it.