No. It's not. Plenty of people have a momentary lapse in judgement and snoop a phone. And snooping may be inappropriate but does not excuse the other person's bad behavior.

I have never heard anyone call looking at someone's phone abusive. If you find cheating, then whatever, the snooping is the least of the problems. If you just don't like your partner venting about you, well, good luck. Everyone vents to someone. It isn't your business and you shouldn't have been looking to begin with.

Her venting to a friend wouldn’t concern me unless she was not taking up for you when negative things were said about you. What would concern me more is her ex hanging out at her house without your knowledge. Why is she doing this? Why did she not mention this to you?  It makes me wonder what else she is doing when you are not there that she doesn’t tell you about. Athough I am not a fan of snooping it seems she is guilting you about it in order to turn things around and not address her own bad behavior she was caught in.

If you feel the need to snoop, that means something has triggered mistrust or insecurity in you. Instead of snooping, call it out. Don't believe it? Then leave..

I wouldn't call snooping abusive, but it's definitely unhealthy and toxic. I'm not really sure why people feel the need to snoop since, 9 times out of 10, there were plenty of other factors happening that put the relationship in dangerous waters.

Not sure how just snooping is abusive. Its crossing a boundary and unhealthy though. Not allowing any privacy at all ever I'd consider abusive. I had an ex that would snoop also and then no matter what he would take something he found and twist it as "evidence" that I was doing something wrong - that also would be considered abusive to me. If the intent is to have power over the other person than its abusive- what you happened to find doesnt really change the intent.

Who suggested discovering a truth is abusive?

but depending on your relationship, could be viewed in a negative light or be a huge issue. My boyfriend and I have an open phone policy, aka we both know the passwords to each other's phones and can look at/be on each other's phones at any time. If your SO says it is abusive, it is probably because they were caught doing something they knew they shouldn't be doing and are trying to manipulate you into thinking you were the one in the wrong. 

Snooping is an invasion of privacy, whether you find anything incriminating or not.

Back in January, you said that you were separating. Did you? Are you still living together? Why are you going through her phone?

I wouldn't say its abusive but it definitely shows you have suspicions about something. I think everyone vents about their SO at some point so that part wouldn't concern me as much. I would be more concerned about the ex being in the house. What is the explanation for that?

It’s not abusive, but it is an invasion of privacy. 

On the flip side, it is an icky feeling to be on the receiving end of intrusive behavior. My first husband used to go through my purse at night while I slept. I know this because I’d lay there, watching him do it, while pretending to sleep. 

But, in light of what was found, I’d say you’re dodging a bullet if you cut your losses and run from this person. 

Abusive depends on the person. My partner and I are completely open with each other and our phones. He can grab my phone to use at any time and I his. I also have access to his email account and could most likely access anything else I want. He could do the same with me.

The issue here isn’t if the action is abusive it’s that clearly there is a trust issue and there seems to be a reason for it. Why be with this person if you can’t trust them or they you? Why be with them if you don’t agree with the way they are conducting their co-parenting situation? It doesn’t matter if the issue is abusive when there are other issues that need fixed also.

I don't know if it's abusive, but it is wrong and a huge privacy violation. I would never look at my DH the same if he was going through my phone. Not everything is for sharing in a marriage. Maybe I vented to a friend....that is none of his business.