Here is the most helpful advice I can come up with...

You and your DH need to sit down and come up with a new plan. Everyone has money ebbs and flows and the best way to avoid conflict is to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Not sure how your money is set up, but the meeting between you and your DH should consist of a spreadsheet listing all of the fixed expenses and all of the adjustable expenses. Your DH should have print outs of his bank statements to see where his money is going. If there is enough to cover his bills and SDs expenses there really isn't any excuse, if he is coming up short and you don't mind being the breadwinner then here is what I suggest and let me preface it by saying it will not be the popular suggestion on here.

One joint account that both of your checks go into and all of your bills/savings come out of. A fixed amount of spending for your DH to cover his basic needs- fuel for his car for example. Either cash, a prepaid debit card or a regular debit card that your DH's money gets added to every payday. When he runs out, he runs out, he will learn quickly.

Suze Orman would suggest that you add up all of your bills and each pay a percentage based on your percentage of the total household income. So, if you make 75% of the household income you pay 75% of the household bills and your DH would pay 25% of the household bills.

I have to add, even though you don't want to hear about getting divorced.. which isn't my suggestion, but my suggestion is to give him a deadline to increase his income if you are becoming resentful. The resentment does not go away.

You'd rather live with a guy who refuses to look for work when he's underemployed and expects others to clothe, feed and shelter his children. OK. By the way you and I both used the same solution to splitting expenses and my wife and I do it to this day on our retirement incomes. But she worked full time so at least did her best.

Over the eons woman were provided with room and board so to speak through marriage while she took care of the children. In the western world this custom for want of a better word has been allowed to switch genders as women have become more and more free to pursue their career choices and not having children becomes more acceptable in society.

Your kept man simply refuses to carry his own weight and has made it clear he won't do so until he's made to by some threat greater than you've wielded so far. You don't claim to have a problem financially and since you won't toss him out at least temporarily then I think you should at least claim your rightful head of household position and insist that he keep house for you. Set up an agreement whereby the cleaning, shopping and food preparation be done while you're away earning the bacon. If he fails in that also perhaps you'll see him in his true light.

Do you have any written record of the extra costs for 1 extra person? You can show the increase of when she started living with you full time.

Just 1 extra mouth to feed is an increase. I know when Gson or SD is in an extracurricular, the gas and eating out rises since we are running at the dinner time hour.

Should be easy to make a spreadsheet of the costs and the increases.

Can he set up a direct deposit into your account for his rent money? My employer allows direct deposit in up to 5 different accounts.

I would really push him on the second job and child support issues though. Until he's made to suffer the consequence of his own laziness in these areas, nothing will change and your resentment will grow.

ETA: DH and I handle our finances similar to how you do. I suggested the direct deposit option because that's the only way I could get DH to regularly contribute to savings (and not turn around and spend it - he always viewed it as extra slush fund money and wouldn't leave it alone). It goes to a joint account that neither of us have transfer/debit card access to.

My fiance makes about $12K more a year than me. however, he pays about $17K to BM in CS. i made the decision to put the difference of $5K into my deferred comp which essentially equalizes our respective take home pays.

from our take home pay, i pay the rent and he pays the utilities and buys our food. he also pays for the majority of our vacations.

it works for us.

your DH has a point in that you still have to pay the same rent whether his kid is there or not. also the increase in utilities is minimal provided you dont let her jack up the AC or Heat adn take excessive showers. Food can be a hit or miss depending upon how big of an eater she is and how much you succomb to buying expensive junk items. we did the math (and i think many here have) that it would cost SIGNIFICANLTY less to feed and house our men's children than it would be to pay the CS. i know for us my SD13 would never cost us $17K to feed and clothe.

conservation of utilities should be important for EVERYONE in the house both for financial an environmental reasons (IMO).

I always catch flack when this subject comes up, I guess I'm a dinosaur from the horse and buggy days, but I just can't wrap my mind around a woman carrying the household while a man doesn't pull his weight. My MIL worked her way up in the banking world- my FIL had an 8th grade education. She made more than him most of their working lives, but he always worked 50 hours a week plus side jobs. It killed him and he always tried to catch up to her earnings! She has/had no resentment because she knew he did the absolute best he could with what he had. So if you're more educated and make more money then your DH, great, but he's NOT PULLING HIS WEIGHT if he doesn't pay for his kid. He either has to get a second job, get CS, or both. Eventually your (understandable) resentment will swallow the marriage. It seems like he wanted a meal ticket.

I would question his statement about his employer firing people for applying for unemployment. It isn't like it cost the business any extra...they have insurance that takes care of that!

WHY IN THE HECK WOULD THE EMPLOYER FIRE SOMEONE FOR APPLYING FOR SOMETHING THEY PAY FOR WHETHER HE IS UNEMPLOYED OR NOT???

Something doesn't make sense with his logic/excuses/laziness.

If you want to stay in this situation, it has to become less expensive for you. How about cutting the entire vacations? You can have almost as much fun with day trips or short visits on your own from time to time to get together with family and friends. If you live at the rate he can afford, he may just decide he wants to live at a higher rate and then make that possible.

This sounds so bad, but with all I go thru, and if I had to be the bread winner, I'd be out so fast. It sounds so shallow but if I'm going thru all this BM and skid bullshit, I better have a man that works his ass off and makes good money. Luckily I do or I'd be out of there SO fast. It's shallow, but I'm being honest.

I totally commend you ladies that carry the weight. You are a MUCH better person than I.

I have no real advice dear, except he needs to man the fuck up. You are not his or HER Mommy.

Eta: When my dfh and I became suddenly unemployed (The company we worked for shut down) he immediately went on unemployment, worked side jobs on the weekends, and did day labor during the week (as much as he was allowed to by the state), while I went out and got a waitressing job. With in 6 months we are both working, he at twice his old rate and me at about $3 more than my old rate.

It can be done, he is just being lazy.