SM blamed for everything
So DH has been letting SD11 stay with BM, against my wishes (which I have made perfectly clear). SD hasn't stayed a night with us in 7 months and she is starting to not even want to come over during the day. BM has a TON of issues and I feel the longer SD is with her full time, the worse she is going to get (we would always have to "fix her" when she returned from BM's in the past - you know how that goes).
Yesterday (Easter), DH was supposed to pick SD up and take her to family's house with us and SD ended up being "sick." Mind you, every weekend recently there has been an excuse as to why SD can't come with us. I've been on DH's @$$ for MONTHS to go to court and he has not done it.
Question is, what else can I do or what is expected of me as a SM? If this is the arrangement her PARENTS are ok with, what can I do about it? I have made my opinions on it known. I have told DH I will take off work and go to court with him. I have printed out the court papers for him. I would go for him if I could, but I can't.
My own mother made a comment yesterday about it being better if we got SD back and straightened out before baby gets here (I'm expecting). I just told her I agree, I have been saying this for months but this is what her parents are choosing to do. All I can do is raise my own kids. I have told DH that if SD gets to the point where I feel she will be a bad influence on our BD3, that she will not be able to come back at that point so it's kind of now or never because she is worse every time I see her.
I feel like people think there is more that I can do?
I don’t see how there’s
I don’t see how there’s anything you can do, really. You can’t force him to take BM to court. I suppose you could give him some kind of ultimatum, but I can’t say I really agree with that kind of action. SD is his kid, and he gets to call the shots.
I get how frustrating it is to not be able to do anything. I see things happening with the boys that makes me want to pull my hair out, and all I can do is sit there & watch it as it doesn’t affect me directly. It’s one of the most frustrating things about being a SP. You can see the dysfunction, and want so badly to DO something about it, but your hands are tied as you’re not the parent.
Focus on your own kids. If SD ever becomes a bad influence on your BKs draw the boundaries, but otherwise this is all on your DH.
It is very frustrating! I've
It is very frustrating! I've thought about an ultimatum too but we have bios together and I don't want to break up our family because of this mess with SD. I'm just at a loss.
There isn't anything you can
There isn't anything you can do, other than voice your concerns.
Seems that your husband doesn't really want the responsibility.
I agree about him not wanting
I agree about him not wanting the responsibility. BM wasn't a big part of SD's life until recently so he's trying to give them time which I get, but at the same time - we see her getting worse and worse the longer she is around BM. It's going to get to the point where I don't even want her back in the house. Ugh!
If he truly does not want the
If he truly does not want the responsibility, no good can come from trying to force the issue. It will be a waste of time, energy, and money.
That is true! I have to keep
That is true! I have to keep telling myself that.
Don't try to force him to go
Don't try to force him to go to court. Thousands of dollars later, with no progress made in getting her to come over, you will regret it immensely.
Just let DH handle it in the manner he thinks is appropriate. It's not your child and not your call.
Very true. I feel like
Very true. I feel like everyone else expects me to do something but I have no clue what.
Who? And why? Just tell them
Who? And why? Just tell them that's it's DH's kid and it's his decision.
All of our family and friends
All of our family and friends think it's a mistake letting SD stay with BM. But it's not like I can go take her and hold her hostage here or go to court for DH. I have no legal say in anything with SD.
Right. You think it's a
Right. You think it's a mistake too. So say just what you said here to them!
There's nothing you can do.
There's nothing you can do. Based on my experience, it's all in the hands of the parents. DH can ask my opinion all day long and I can answer him into the night but in the end, it's up to him to make a decision, not me. Bascially, I keep my mouth shut and if he asks me my opinion now, I make it short and don't follow up about it.
I am not the parent. I also tell this to others who may know about our situation and ask what I am doing about it (i.e. non-SMs) - "Nothing. I have no resposibility or authority as a parent so I cannot do anything. It's up to DH and BM to figure out. All I can do is listen to DH when he needs me to."
"Nothing. I have no
"Nothing. I have no resposibility or authority as a parent so I cannot do anything. It's up to DH and BM to figure out. All I can do is listen to DH when he needs me to."
"I agree, but it's DH's
"I agree, but it's DH's decision." Even shorter.
Same for me with my SD. I
Same for me with my SD. I stopped caring and realizing that her not being here makes my life easier.
it took my a while to let go of the fact that I live in a house where I have very little control and consistency.
I definitely see that side of
I definitely see that side of it too. If she were guaranteed to stay with BM I would probably care less. I just think she’s going to end up coming back once BM realizes she can’t raise her or the court intervenes and by that time the damage to SD will be done.
Given BM's
history of child neglect and drug use if your husband doesn't do anything I would end the marriage. Allowing a child to be neglected or abused and allowing drug use around a child are deal breakers for me. I would have a serious discussion with him about this and lay out your options for yourself if he doesn't step up. That is me though. Mom has supervised visits only per the court and that is what she should continue to have.
I have definitely thought
I have definitely thought about it but we have a 3 year old together and one on the way so I’m not going to break up my kids family over what’s happening with SD. I am definitely looking at DH much differently and with much less respect though.
I'm sorry but 11 yr old's don
I'm sorry but 11 yr old's don't get to decide who they're going to live with or whether or not they're going to go with the other parent. DH needs to nip this in the bud now or it's going to be H#ll when she's a teen. He doesn't need to go to actually go to court. They could both take the mandated parenting classes and go to mediation to sort things out.
Yup! That is true. He has
Yup! That is true. He has joint custody so he really doesn't even need to go to court. They just need to enforce the current CO but everyone has decided to let an 11 year old call the shots
Ultimatums rarely work. So I
Ultimatums rarely work. So I would suggest that you sit DH down and discuss the situation from the best intersts of your young child and the baby. I believe that this will also be in the best intersts of your skid as well.
As others have said, an 11yo does what they are told and for damned sure do not get to choose where they live or to skip visitation.
Yes, I have tried ultimatums
Yes, I have tried ultimatums in the past with things related to SD and they have never worked. I think it's definitely in SD's best interest for her to be here but I guess I am the only one who thinks so. I just don't want her to continue getting worse with BM (which she will, because every time I see her she is worse) and then BM not be able to handle it and she end up back here. If she is going to come back, I'd rather it happen now while she is still "able to be fixed" if you know what I mean. I don't want to clean up the mess BM created later.
Update: BM posted pictures on
Update: BM posted pictures on facebook from Easter when SD was supposedly sick and lets just say... she didn't look very sick. Looks like she had a friend over and everyone was playing outside having a good time. Easter is supposed to be split between BM and DH, according to the CO. I am at my wits end with these people (BM and family).