Skids' stories of the past, their births and other memories they made with their dads before us
How do you think they should be discussed and handled?
I think the right thing for us to do is let these kids look back fondly on these memories with their dad. To let the kids hear about them being born. Kids like to know about and remember their histories.
As a sm, it does hurt me when my dh starts telling the kids about their births, they discuss past memories, etc. But I leave the room. The fact is, they were born, they have pasts that don't include me and they do have good memories that don't include me. Those facts shouldn't be ignored.
Hearing those stories and discussing those memories helped me feel loved and know I was loved as a kid. I firmly believe it helps my SDs too and that's part of why they're doing ok now.
Now if someone is discussing these things to be mean to sm and exclude her, that shouldn't be tolerated. But if a person genuinely wants to discuss a happy memory/learn about their past, that's ok with me.
Up to DH.
Up to DH.
My skids don't talk about
My skids don't talk about their birth, but they talk about stories from their past. SD5 was a very cranky baby and DH has joked about it her whole life. She likes to share stories from her past ... even if she doesn't remember them.
SD7 likes to tell stories about how she wouldn't let anyone hold her baby sister when she was born .. SD7 was only 18 months old when SD5 was born .. so she doesn't remember being a protective big sister, but it makes her smile and feel proud to share it
Have never heard the birth
Have never heard the birth stories, but since my husband was never in love with BM, that was totally about SD and not at all about BM as far as my DH is concerned.
I want my husband to tell SD (now 22) about their relationship when she was young. She was not even 5 when her parents split so she does not remember a lot, and anything my husband can tell her to counter the lies that BM has told her is alright with me.
The fact is, there are not a lot of "family" stories. DH was the more nurturing parent and SD went everywhere with him or he was home with her and her brother (not DH's) while BM was "out". So, the trips down memory lane don't bother me at all because BM is not in them!
Hmmmmm - I was in two minds
Hmmmmm - I was in two minds when opening this thread.
Then I read the last bit - "Now if someone is discussing these things to be mean to sm and exclude her, that shouldn't be tolerated. But if a person genuinely wants to discuss a happy memory/learn about their past, that's ok with me."
You see this is what happens at my house. Both skids will start and continue conversations about "dad remember when blah blah blah" (usually a dad and BM and skids all happy and one great family - from their perspective anyways!
) This happens ALL the time. And once that has been discussed it's "and what about the time blah blah blah"
Usually at the dinner table, or when we are out or discussing some future plans... Oh dad remember when we did that and you and mum blah blah blah.
To the point where I am over it. It IS done to piss me off. I see their little covert glances at me to see how I am dealing with this talk of BM. I see the smirks when dd's and I cannot join the conversation they keep solely trained on their previous lives.
I guess it is a fine balance for OH, not wanting to diss their memories but needing to respect my home and feelings etc.
I think he needs to politely shut them down.
Yeah, that would piss me off.
Yeah, that would piss me off. My SD has always known that her dad does not want to talk about BM. And, like I stated above, BM is not really a part of SD's and DH's happy times together, anyway.
Now, had SD done this just to get to me, I would have dominated the conversation with a gazillion questions (which interrupts the flow) or derailed the conversation with similar memories of my own.
Skids don't talk much about
Skids don't talk much about their lives when they were younger. Their BM from time to time will spread the love to my DH and it grosses him out. My Skids don't seem very comfortable when she goes down that road. She knows it bugs him and that he is a donor to her but she can't help but mess with his head...
I don't see a problem with
I don't see a problem with it... there is no reason for SO to encourage and continue talking about BM... he can indulge on his children easily enough. I posted on the other thread like this one and said, If SO finds the need to indulge in a extended conversation talking about BM positively maybe he should be with BM... I realize this sounds harsh but there is no need for SO to talk about BM and if he doesn't and just speaks of his kids with past memories then there is no reason to be upset. Personally if my SD tries to talk about her mom DB just talks about a memory between him and SD. I feel that is the respectable thing to do anything else is plain rude. No need to be with someone who cannot respect you as a person.
I'm so thankful DH has a
I'm so thankful DH has a horrible memory, lol, and the SK's don't talk (YSD doesn't remember probably) about a time when BM & DH were together. They've only mentioned "when I lived with my mom" when they were younger, but now they don't even say that. I don't mind them talking about it, I just don't want to hear about BM :sick:
This is one of my hot
This is one of my hot buttons. My SD (adult, whom I actually like) LOVES to relive the past as does my DH. I don't get the focus on the past (give me a new adventure any day), but ok for them. Some stories are truly funny, and it's a bonding thing between them. But really, an entire evening of "remember when" is just rude. Especially when I have not been able to contribute my own funny stories about me or my kids. Literally shouted down because it didn't fit their script. Huge battle after a holiday visit one year where all we did was talk about his precious children, the BM, the BM parents, etc. DH tried to tell me that was so I could "learn about him and his kids." Total BS. So now when we visit, I encourage DH to spend time alone with SD so they can do this memory lane thing that they apparently both long for, and DH has done a pretty good job of steering conversation to at least the current decade when I am around. No complaints.
At a recent visit he thought it would be a GREAT idea for all of us to go on a trip to a town where he used to live with BM and where SD went to college "so I could see it". What the hell? All I said to him was "new memories, not old please" and he got it.
our skids hear enough of that
our skids hear enough of that stuff from their bm. when they bring stuff up, dh answers their question and moves right on, not allowing it to turn into something that would make me feel alienated. i'm sure they do some of this when i'm not around. fine with me.
"The way I see it, these kids
"The way I see it, these kids may have TWO HOMES but they have ONE LIFE. It's reasonable for them to want some continuity, and if that comes from SD occasionally sharing a happy story with her dad of their life before me, that's great."
That's how I feel too.