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Skids Appreciating CS

frustrated-mom's picture

Something I was venting about in my blog really strikes a nerve with me.

DH has paid so much in CS plus other expenses (well over $50k), but SD15 rants over and over again that her father has never done anything for her, he's abandoned her, he doesn't love her and so forth.

While DH hasn't been involved her in life as much as he would have wanted, he went above and beyond when it came to CS. He paid over $300 a month plus any medical bills and therapy expenses. He's paid for horse back riding lessons and for her to lease a horse.

But to SD15, she sees this all as magical money from the sky. She doesn’t care. It might as well have been welfare. It's just a check from someone.

Men pride themselves on being providers and he has done that for SD15, but she couldn't care less. She told him last year that she didn’t know why she has to do what he says just because he slept with her mom. She doesn’t see him as her father, just her sperm donor. (DH and her BM were never married and it was just a stupid drunken hookup).

As soon as DH found out he had a child, he was more than willing to pay CS. He only saw her once or twice a year since he was in the military for 8 years then 1000 miles away, but he kept paying CS even when our house was being foreclosed on.

We lost our house, his daughter kept riding horses. Yet, she hates DH and says he's never done anything for her and abandoned her.

forestfairy's picture

Kids in general, don't understand or appreciate money that goes into raising them (food, roof over their heads, etc)...they don't usually "get it" until they are adults. It is expected that the people who bring you into the world would provide basic necessities.

You probably won't agree with my opinion, but here goes...

Of course any kid only seeing their parent once or twice a year might feel abandoned by them. Wouldn't you? I'm sure the kid would much rather have had her dad than to ride horses!

Child support isn't a "gift" that a kid would or should appreciate, in my opinion. It's parent's responsibility to provide for basic needs of their kid, that's the deal when you have them. Just because someone pays a few hundred bucks a month does NOT make them a good parent. That's just barely meeting the minimum. Being a good parent is being as involved as possible in their kids' lives, know who their friends are, spend time with them, teach them things, etc. Or least making the attempt to do that.

I just don't think any kid would be falling over themselves in appreciation because their dad sent $300 bucks a month and paid their medical bills and horse riding lessons, but only saw them one or twice a year. I wouldn't either. I mean the horse lessons are a nice extra, but don't make up for not being a dad to your kid. I know circumstances (military) led to that...but a kid isn't gonna give a rats ass about that.

herewegoagain's picture

Well, if instead of paying the 300USD and the darn horse lessons he would have quit the military to be closer to HER, then he would have ALSO been considered a deadbeat for quitting a higher paying job...you just can't freaking win when you are divorced, are an NCP and a man. There is NEVER any winning with these ex's or their pathetic kids.

Disneyfan's picture

He wasn't in the military the whole time. There was also a time when he left her with her grandmother instead if taking her himself.

frustrated-mom's picture

SD lived with her maternal grandmother from the time she was 6 until she was 14 (when her grandmother passed away).

When BM had her kids taken away, DH wasn't married. He rushed into marrying his girlfriend so he could get on-base housing so his daughter could live with them, but his then wife didn't want to deal with his daughter while pregnant. His first wife then left him for another guy right after their second son was born.

DH felt it was best to just keep his daughter where she was rather than moving her. After he left active duty, his Army reserve unit was deployed to Iraq.

LRP75's picture

"...then he would have ALSO been considered a deadbeat for quitting a higher paying job...you just can't freaking win when you are divorced, are an NCP and a man."

I totally agree. The system is set up to destroy families and a man's relationship with his children. He has to prove he isn't a deadbeat before he can be considered a "real man." And good luck proving to not be a deadbeat. It's automatically assumed and he is treated as such from the beginning.

Disneyfan's picture

Isn't this the girl who refuses to cash the checks her dad mails her. And the aunt and uncle are refusing to take CS from dad?

Parents don't get brownie points for supporting their kids.

He messed up and she hasn't forgiven him yet. Hopefully in time she will.

frustrated-mom's picture

Yes. DH would gladly still be paying CS but SD doesn't want to take money from him. It's like taking money means she has to accept him and he has power over her. Financially, we've had a difficult time and her aunt and uncle don't want to take money from us for that reason.

3littlemonkeys's picture

Well, $300 a month is hardly anything. If he was military, I'm guessing they took the CS out of his income and passed it along. If that's the case, he wasn't being altruistic and lost his house while paying CS. He didn't have a choice because the CS just came out.
Also, I have a hard time believing $300 caused you to lose your house.

And also...I kinda agree with SD. He hasn't been her "father" if he only saw her once or twice a year. What does he expect??

Sounds like she really wants an ACTIVE father in her life. The CS is the result of HIS legal obligation for having sex with her mom.
Spending time raising his child is what it sounds like SD wants.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

"As soon as DH found out he had a child..."

Okay, I will just throw out a different opinion here. Maybe if SD is upset over not having a full time dad, she should look to her mom, who got knocked up as the result of a drunken hook up with someone that she evidently wasn't in a relationship with.

My kids are financially supported AND have a fulltime family because I picked well. Too bad SD's BM didn't. That's why it's important to make good choices. If you don't, your kids WILL suffer.

Most Evil's picture

OP I see exactly what you are saying and I agree - nothing is ever enough for my SD either! she is getting a little better as she grows up though, in that way at least, her hatred of me seems to be growing though! oh darn.

I do remember this particular story and am of the 'kid is a brat' side.

I have to say, I can't wait to see her and all these kids 'show us how its done' - how to make only good choices, succeed in every way, how to recover from setbacks, how to be the perfect person, provider, spouse and parent. I am eagerly looking forward to that show in our case!!

NCMilGal's picture

SD16 appreciates the CS.

DH is also in the military, and we live 1000 miles away - he pays $620/month + medical + ALL transportation costs.

SD16 gets nickeled and dimed to death by BM. If she wants a drink while running errands, she has to buy it out of her babysitting money; and she doesn't get an allowance. BM sends her younger child to private school - SD16 is in the public school with drug dealer friends and relatives of The Swamp People. BM and her sugar daddy DH bought a super-expensive house and drive a 2012 SUV, but SD16's clothes come from the thrift store. Every time SD16 turns around, she is bombarded with "we can't afford..." or "We're so poor..." BM's DH is a big fish in a small pond, and makes PLENTY. But BM didn't work for the last 18 months, and had previously spent to their family's 2-income credit limit.

SD16 knows DAMN WELL that if her father paid more in CS, she wouldn't see a penny. So no, we don't get the unappreciative skid - not at all.

asheeha's picture

I haven't read the comments but I'd say time is equally valuable. I spent summers with my dad, received Christmas presents and a few phone calls a year. I knew that my dad paid support every month and my mom instilled appreciation for his commitment to provide for me.

If he only made the effort to pay for things and rarely/never see her I could understand. I can also understand if bm badmouthed dh. I think in any situation if the bm calls dad a deadbeat regardless of how much he pays the child will be less appreciative for what's been given to them.