Sick of being angry and stressed out.. need support!
Hello All!
I have been on other forums in the past but I am new here. I've found a lot of support in "real life" through a local stepmother's group. But I find myself needing some additional support right now. We're long distance custodial parents to three skids.
I am so angry and stressed out lately. My DH and I did a budget recently. It's something we've sat down to do so many times but never finished. Finally we couldn't keep ignoring it and wrote everything out. Although I always knew we spent a lot of money on skids, it was sickening to lay it all out like that. I haven't been able to get it off my mind. We have little money for savings, we live in a little house that's hardly big enough for us, and we have hardly any money for ourselves. I cannot imagine how we can afford a baby of our own. Yet monthly we spend thousands of dollars on skids. (it's more expensive because for now we're stuck paying for flights to skids to see BM in FL several times a year).
BM does not contribute a cent, not one.
Practically, we'll take her back to court and get child support (eventually) and help paying for flights. I have no doubt about that. But for now I feel so angry and frustrated. It's not just about the money, but about their existence and impact on our lives in general. The money is just the tip of the iceberg. BM gets to live her life, spend all of her money on herself, be neglectful when skids visit her, still call herself a mother and still have skids love. Meanwhile our entire lives are about caring for HER kids (and DH's kids but you know what I mean).
I called out of work today. The weekends are so stressful getting everything in order for skids for the week, cleaning, being around them so much. I need a day off from it all. I'm considering asking to work a day on the weekend in exchange for a day off during the week while skids are in school.
Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone has any tips to deal with this frustration and anger I'm feeling... or maybe there is someone who can commiserate with me. i don't know what to do, i've hit a wall.
PS we have custody because BM
PS we have custody because BM has shown herself to be incapable of caring for skids without abusing or neglecting them... so as much as i would love for her to just take custody, it's not possible. I love my skids and we could not subject them to that kind of life...
What exactly are you spending
What exactly are you spending thousands of dollars on every month?
Is DH on board with your frustrations? Or is he a source of the problem?
I think taking some time for yourself is an excellent idea. If you could work out that work day switch, I think that may really help you re-center.
Is DH otherwise supportive and helpful with the skids? Or do you find yourself getting stuck carrying a lot of the burden?
I'm sorry this is so frustrating for you .. but hopefully it will change once BM is contributing to the cost. If she can't help pay half of the travel costs, then it's not fair you have to pay all of it.
We're also long distance, but non-custodial. The travel is hard on everything .. finances, skids, parents, etc.
Thanks Smof2girls. Well
Thanks Smof2girls. Well about 500 for food (easily) 700 for after school care, and 500 (on avg) for flights per month. Not to mention extra housing costs (if it were just us we could live in an apartment rather than this house), utilities, gas, clothing, medical costs (one skids needs all kinds of therapy) ETC. It adds up so quickly...
DH is pretty awesome. We've had our hard times with him slacking off on their care and letting me do things for him. But we've reached a point where he does most of the tasks required for skids... he cooks for them, helps significantly with house cleaning, etc. But even with that, they impact our relationship and my life in such a profound way... I've tried to avoid them when I feel like this but it's impossible. I can't stay at work forever. and when I'm around them I'm compelled to listen to them, to be kind, etc. After all, despite my frustration I do love them....
I wish I could scream at BM and spit on her. LOL
Is there a reason why BM
Is there a reason why BM doesn't contribute anything? Is it just because she's not ordered to, or because she can't afford it?
I really think this needs to be addressed ASAP. You can make the kids available for her to come visit them. It's more cost effective to fly one person than it is to fly 3 (assuming they can fly without an adult). This is what DH has to do most of the time (except for extended breaks). If he wants to see the kids, he has to go to them.
This will be the easiest and fastest way to get some extra cash flow back.
Kids are expensive, no doubt; but you've taken the right steps to start getting this spending under control. Everything you've mentioned (except rent) is a controllable cost if you're committed to saving the money.
Another thing you could consider doing is writing a letter to BM. Not a letter you'll ever send, but just write down and say all the things you wish you could say. Then rip it up and burn it. I think it will really help to vent it out .. and will probably go over a little better than spitting on her
Thanks Cheri... I hope I can
Thanks Cheri... I hope I can return to that place at some point....
Long distance custodial parents--- we live several states away from BM and we have skids all the time (BM has visits on breaks)
Yes, it's in the CO. But if
Yes, it's in the CO. But if she had to pay even 20 percent of the cost I bet she would not want to see them. We fly them to her so that she can leave them with her mother the entire time... This will not go on forever, but for now that's how it is...
I found it on Meetup.com. It's a stepparents meet up. We get together for happy hour, coffee, etc. It's been really great, one of my best friends and I met that way.
Great idea for more groups and time away from the house... maybe I should get part-time job and kill two bird with one stone (haha kidding).
Pack your kids up and go.
Pack your kids up and go.
Seems like the biggest stress
Seems like the biggest stress is money and you wouldn't feel so much resentment if BM was contributing for the skid's care. How is it that BM does not pay any child support and biodad was court ordered to pay for the kids to fly to BM?
And does the CO state exactly how many flights per year biodad is obligated to pay for?
Yes, exactly! I would feel
Yes, exactly! I would feel much better if she contributed something. It's a long story about the custody agreement. Fear makes fathers do crazy things, DH thought he would lose the kids when she moved to FL if he took it to court. So they came to an agreement outside of court that he would fly the kids to visit her 5 times a year if the kids got to stay with us.
Ugh. that sucks. Well, you do
Ugh. that sucks.
Well, you do have an option. After the skids have lived with you for a year, your DH can go to court. Status quo at that point will be on your DH's side.
He can file for CS, and do some kind of negotiating regarding the flights. Maybe he can get BM to pay for half the cost, or reduce the number of flights per year, etc.
In the meantime, try looking at ways to reduce costs.
-Maybe you can look into cheaper housing? I'm not saying move into a dump, but if you start looking now, maybe one day you might find something that's decent and cheaper than where ya'll are currently living.
-Regarding the clothing - I shop for a lot of my DD's clothing at thrift stores.
-After school care - I know how much after school care can cost, so I'm not surprised about the cost. But you can shop around for cheaper alternatives for that as well. It might even be worth it for you to work part time so the skids don't have to go to the afterschool program. I know with some jobs this isn't feasible, but it's something to consider.
-The therapy you stated one of the skids needs - could you find someone who does a sliding scale?
Just throwing out some suggestions for ya.
I would demand that DH pursue
I would demand that DH pursue her for child support. NO WAY should you have to foot the bill and NO WAY should you guys have to fly them to her five times per year. That is insane and I cannot imagine a Judge saying that will have to continue. As for the anger and stress, I have no clue. I came here looking for those answers too. So far, venting here has helped.
I think a lot of us can
I think a lot of us can relate. I can't really offer too much advice because I feel like I am dealing with too many of the same things, but I will say this. Just being able to express yourself without fear of being judged here and being able to get it out on here has really been helpful for me. It makes me feel like I'm okay and not a monster. It is all SOOOO much harder than anyone could possibly prepare you for. When peoeple tell me "well you knew he had kids when you married him...." I wanna be like well you really just don't know until you are dealing with it. Hang in there. Sending you hugs.