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Should we help SS get a car?

skylarksms's picture

A little bit of background on this situation. SS16 comes for visitation like clockwork and even fought with his mom to visit more often when we lived closer.

SD17.5 had a baby last March and we have not seen or talked to her since she came over for a few hours on Father's Day. She has not responded to texts, emails or voice mails from either me or H. We have absolutely no idea what is wrong but BM is telling people that SD is not getting along with her dad right now. We have no clue what is going on. H has even asked BM to have SD call and BM says that she will tell her but she can't force her.

Over the years, SD has gone into the doctor for many, many, many things that we (H, DS and I) would never have gone in for. But I can't totally blame that on her since BM is the same way. She uses it to get paid from work without having to be AT work.

BM gave SD her old beater vehicle after SD got her license. We have not been asked to pitch in in any way for that.

Anyway, after SS got his license, they got to "share" the car. Of course, SD has priority because of having a baby. Not so bad when they went to the same school but now that she dropped out and he has a job, it's getting a little more of a pain for SS (not that he complains at all).

SS has gotten upset with me for saying the beater was SD's car but I told him that I could not see it being HIS car when his sister gets to use it, even if he needs it.

ANYWAY, I would like to propose to SS to pay for half of a cheaper vehicle for him. I can get vehicles wholesale through my work so can get great deals. H does not think this is a good idea as he feels it will cause issues with SD.

I think it might too but she is choosing not to have a relationship with us...plus we have paid for probably $60,000 in medical expenses in the past 5 years or less for her, whereas SS's medical expenses for the same time have been less than $5000.

I thought I'd get your opinions since I want to hear the different thoughts on this subject.

on the fence's picture

Yes. I would help SS, but then I have two bios of my own and I would help them too.

It will help you as well. Less dependence on you for rides, greater ability to come see you. He sounds like a good kid and I can understand his frustration. You are being a good mom (that's right, MOM!)to help and it sounds like he would appreciate it. He shouldn't have to "share" something that is really SD's. Really, BM should understand that and help him a bit, too.

Rhyleighblue's picture

I understand where you are coming from, and although I agree that things in your family might have become unbalanced, ultimately those are NOT YOUR CHILDREN.

If their Dad says NO... then the answer is no. If you can persuade him to change his mind then more power to you. However, I would not go against his wishes in any matter that involves his kids. You will only live to regret it, I'm afraid.

Just my opinion.

Jsmom's picture

Help him. She doesn't deserve it, he does. I think it may cause friction but really who cares. If you want to benefit from our lives, than you have to work at a relationship. He does, she doesn't. Get him a car and trust me, he will appreciate it. He sounds like a good kid and that should be rewarded given SD's behavior and mistakes. A baby at that age says it all.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Just a side note, Sky.

My BD20 and I BOTH shared the same used car when she still lived with me. She is in college and working full time and saving up to get something to get her around town.

skylarksms's picture

I guess what annoys me is that BM has a car, SD has a car that she "shares" (i.e., free taxi service for SS) and BM's hubby has a car. They also have a van BUT nobody is allowed to drive it...? :?

JustAnotherSM's picture

I think it makes sense to help SS get a car, especially if he is responsible enough to be working and going to school. Beyond that you should also make sure to figure out who will pay for car insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. My SS's Gpa helped him buy a car and now he gets stuck with any maintenance expenses too which add up quick b/c SS still doesn't know how to take care of his car.

I would also advise being cautious about comparing this expense to SD's medical expenses because she could claim that it wasn't her fault she got sick all the time and it's not fair. I think it should be based more on the fact that SS is being responsible for himself (paying for half the car, plus maybe his own expenses) and is fostering his relationship with DH as opposed to SD who is letting BM pay her car insurance and gas (sorry - that's an assumption on my part) and ignoring her DH.

skylarksms's picture

BM expects both of them to work to pay their bills - i.e., she will not pay insurance or gasoline.

In fact, I have heard that BM is forcing SD to work almost FT and that is why she had to drop out of school. Yet, BM has never worked FT in her entire life.

Their SF and Grandfather do any needed maintenance.

on the fence's picture

Doesn't seem right. He should be able to at least drive the beater and SD could take the mini van or something. That would be frustrating.

I had a similar situation to Butterfly when I was in HS. I worked and my mother had to share her car with me so I could get to work. We lived in a very rural area and she worked days and I worked graveyard shift on weekends. We were able to save and I finally got my own beater, but we were very good at sharing and understanding the priority of where and when the car was in use and by whom. It never was an issue, very inconvenient, but we did it. It does sounds like your SS is getting the short end of the stick in this case, though. Doesn't sound very cooperative at all.

skylarksms's picture

BM gave SD the car she has. I gave DS the car he has. The only one who doesn't have his own vehicle (unless he saves up himself) is SS. SS is PROBABLY the most responsible of all three kids.

It just doesn't seem right to me. Just because he's the youngest...

I think my H's "no" is a product of another "don't rock the boat" emotion.

AND - I had mentioned paying for HALF so SS can save the other half. He is very responsible with saving money.

Rags's picture

Get the kid the car. He is well behaved and responsible where SD-17 is anything but apparently.

If SD bitches the answer is "getting SS a car gives you the shared car full time. So in all actuality we gave both of you a car since you now don't have to share. BM gave each of you half of a car. We just gave each of you the other half.".

Hey, if it gets SD to call her dad even if it is because she is pissed of, that is a good thing right?