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Should it be okay with my fiancé to hang out pass midnight with his teenage son?

Firefox741's picture

Hi

My fiancé and I are living together and right now we're using my car because he doesn't have one. Yesterday we had an early Thanksgiving dinner with my family at our place because he told me he wanted to also spend Thanksgiving with his 16 year old son. I was perfectly okay with it and he asked me to borrow my car which was fine with me because I thought he would be back by midnight. He left our house at 7 pm.

It turns out that he did not communicate with me the whole night when I clearly told him to do so since he has my car. Actually the car was from a dealership because my car is in repair so they let me borrow a car temporarily. But I'm 100% responsible for it, like it's my own. I called my fiancé and text him and he never answered. He came back home at 5 in the morning and had me worried all night while he was hanging out with his son in my car. I mean, he spent like 6 hours or more with his son. Why didn't he come back soon? And didn't bother to answer my calls!!!

i don't mind if he wants to spend time with his son but at least let me know he's okay. When he came back he said that his phone died and he did not take his charger. How much more stupid can he be? I was furious because him and I BOTH had to work the following day for him to be out all night. I was even going to call my parents since I thought I needed a ride to work this morning. Should I trust my fiancé again to borrow my car after this? Is his excuse valid for not communicating with me? I couldn't reach out to him because I didn't even know his son's phone number.

hereiam's picture

Why doesn't he have a car?

I certainly would not have let him borrow a borrowed car.

I don't let people borrow my car. There are too many idiots out there and if something were to happen, no matter whose fault, no matter how great the insurance, something happening to your car is a major pain in the ass and always costs you in the end.

Just say, "No."

tog redux's picture

That was rude. I find it hard to believe his son didn't have a working phone that he could borrow.  It's also reasonable for him to give you an idea when he will be back and stick to it (though it sounds like you didn't ask, just assumed).

In response to your title, yes, it's fine for him to stay out with his son after midnight.  With his OWN car and a plan in place that you are informed of.

And what were they doing until 5 am? Sounds to me like he was drinking and couldn't drive home.

Rags's picture

This is so far from passing the smell test that it isn't even close.  I would make it clear that his only option is public transportation going forward.

I do not think there is anything wrong with him having the occasional late night guy fest with his kid. But not at your expense.

Thumper's picture

 Sorry but your boyfriends story does not add up. Something is missing from it I think????

Has he stayed out all night long before? Or is this the very first time?

 

 

 

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your BF isn't staying out with his son until 5AM, but he is definitely staying out with someone.

Honestly, it sounds like you're being used, and his son is the perfect alibi, especially if you can't reach him.

Also, no 16 year old wants to hang out with their dad until 5AM, in a car no less, unless something nefarious is involved. None of this looks good on your BF.

ndc's picture

That would be the last time he borrowed a car from me.  Frankly, there is no way I would allow anyone to use a loaner car from a dealership that I was responsible for.  In my opinion, he has abused the privilege of borrowing your car and you would therefore be totally justified in refusing to let him use your car in the future.  Why doesn't he have his own car?  If it's because he can't afford one now, then he probably couldn't afford to replace or repair yours (or subsidize your increased insurance premiums and pay your deductible) if something happened to it.  That's another good reason not to lend your car to him.

I won't venture an opinion on what your fiance was doing with his son in the wee hours.  It seems odd, but I don't know either of them, so I won't pass judgment.

BethAnne's picture

My husband does on occasion stay up playing video games until the early hours of the morning. If he had a 16 yr old kid who was also into video games I could see them staying up late playing together particularly on a holiday weekend with no work/school the next day. I think it would be a mistake to jump straight to conclusions that he wasn't doing what he said he was doing. Obviously you can hold it in the back of your mind so that if you spot any other unusual behaviors you might see a pattern developing, but as a one off I would not start wild speculation about affairs and underage drinking. 

Having said that, he should have let you know what was going on and that he would be back late. It is normal to keep loved ones in the loop so that they know what to expect and don't worry. The phone cord excuse could work this once if you want to be generous but I would set out the expectation that he make extra efforts to keep you informed in the future. 

Is your fiance even covered on the insurance from the dealership? I would not let him use the dealership car again. If you let him use your own car (when you got it back) give very clear instructions as to what time you need the car back by and that he needs to keep you updated if his plans change. 

From what you have written I would be tempted to take your fiance at his word this time. If though this is another piece of a wider concerning pattern of behaviors  then it is time to address them. 

tog redux's picture

My DH also used to play games late with SS, that was fine with me. But I would have found it very odd if they'd left at 7 and did not come back until 5 am. And I would have been worried sick.

Firefox741's picture

I agree with all of you. It's okay for him to stay up late with his son but not if he has my car and he needs to keep me informed, not worried. I think it's fair that if he borrows my car I need to know it's safe

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My first thoughts were, drugs or another woman. He left you alone on a holiday, stayed out all night, and deliberately didn't contact you. The fact that he had your loaner vehicle (which was poor judgement on your part) is practically incidental. Surely you must be suspicious?!

What are YOU getting out of a relationship with a guy who has so much baggage? How many bad decisions has he made that at his age he doesn't even own a car? Why are you willing to attach yourself to someone who brings so little to the table, yet can't even show you basic courtesy?

If you were my daughter or a friend, I would give you a big hug and then tell you to raise your standards and cancel the wedding. There are over 3 billion men on this planet, and I KNOW you can find better than this guy.

 

Sandybeaches's picture

who does his son live with?   So dpes this mean he stayed at BM's until 5 in the morning?  This would not be ok with me.  He should not be spending 5 minutes inside BM's house but till 5 am?  

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Your story is identical to my sister's several years ago. Out 'til 5am and ignoring you.

HE'S CHEATING ON YOU.

Kick him to the curb. You deserve better.

still learning's picture

Either he's dumb and inconsiderate or lying through his teeth; honestly, I don't know which one is better.  My ex used to stay out to the wee hours of the morning "cleaning the car."  Next time make him take an uber.  As someone else pointed out, he's a grown man with a teenage son and doesn't have a car. Huge red flag! Phone died, sure, another red flag. Hanging with his son until 5 am... mmkay...