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Should BM be allowed in our home?

Instafam11's picture

     I have been with my BF who is also the BioDad for about a year. He has 2 biological kids, 4 and 8 that live with us half the year. A few days on a few off, etc. I have no kids of my own and don't want that to change. Every once and a while the BM will come to our house to pick up the kids. Since she hates me, I have expressed to my BF that I would prefer if she does not come inside the house.
     On one recent occasion the SKs asked their mom to come inside to check out some stuff for Christmas and she just followed them inside. I disappeared before she got in the house because I wanted to avoid having any awkward interactions in front of the kids. As they kept trying to show her around my BF said "Ok, we need to get going". He didn't feel like he could tell the kids their mom couldn't come inside in the first place so he was trying to minimize the amount of time she spent. 
     I later told him I appreciated him trying to make it as brief as possible. He said that it didn't feel good to have to rush her out of the house and that he felt like it upset his kids. After some discussion, he agreed to not have her pick the kids up here to avoid having to keep her out of the house. But I could tell that he was agreeing to comply, not because he felt it was the right thing to do. And I worry that it would eventually build resentment. 
     I feel I try to do everything that's in the best interest of the kids, but because of certain things in the past and because this woman has a whole lot of negative energy for me (essentially blames me for her marriage ending), I feel as if I should be able to have one place (home) where I don't have to feel uncomfortable. I am trying to see both sides here, and I empathize with the difficulty of the situation for BF and the kids, but they aren't together anymore, and this is not her home and I don't feel she should just be able to waltz right in. Whenever we drop the kids off at her place and they ask me to go look at stuff in her house, I say no out of respect for her. I feel she should do the same. 
     I don't want BF to resent me for this, what is the right move here? 
 
     -in addition to SKs being able to FaceTime BM whenever from inside the house, which also feels violating....
     

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

You have every right to have who you do, and don’t, want in your house. 

And the FaceTime thing (which I hate FT) , they should be in their room, or one location like the kitchen, and that’s it. Everyone has a right to their privacy! Is this your house, his house, or both of yours together? 

SteppedOut's picture

Well, if he wants it to stay "ours", he should respect this boundary. If not, get your own place. Then he can have bm visit all he wants.

If he was so concerned about the massive trauma of his bio parents having two distinct homes, he probably should have stayed married. 

The bull crap split parents try to feed their new partners never ceases to amaze me. 

OP your feelings are very, very, normal. 

ESMOD's picture

Do you live there?  If so.. it is YOUR HOME.. whether you own it or not.. it is where you live.

One time, BM tried to come in our home because the girls wanted to show her their rooms.. I wasn't excited about it.. but was going to allow it (she never would have come out that far again.. so it wasn't going to be recurring).. well, one of the girls had picked up this wooden snake somewhere and it was sitting on a table right inside the front door.  BM took ONE look at it.. was convinced it was real and ran out and literally THREW her dog in the car.  I realized what she was afraid of.. and picked up to take it out to her to show her it was fake.. she started screaming and damn near hit a tree backing out.  I think she always thought that was intentional.. it wasn't.. just a delicious accident.

I can see possibly allowing a bio parent to come inside to the foyer area if kids are gathering their things.. and if it's raining or something IF and only IF the Ex was not particularly high conflict.  But, I think you are within your right to not want her there.. and to not allow it.

It can be a bit tricky to make it happen but having the kids 100% ready at their pickup and having dad walk them outside to mom's car is best.  If kids say. I want mamma to see X.. Tell them you will take a picture for them to show her etc...

 

 

kathyd's picture

The Face Time things is a joke! I have told SS9 many times not to walk around my house while FaceTimimg his mom, he asked why and I was honset and said becasue I don't want to hear her voice, he can facetime in his room and that is all ! She is not allowed in our home never has been, my DH would never invite her in, one time when her car broke down she asked for a ride to the garage to pick her car up. He said yes only becasue he didn't want his son having to walk in the cold to go with her. I lost it! I don't want her in my home or my cars! she is poison.

strugglingSM's picture

One of the keys to success in any relationship where one person has kids is to maintain boundaries. 

How does he feel with BM coming into his home uninvited and snooping around in his things?  

He needs to explain to his children that he and BM have separate homes and while that may feel confusing to them, it's important that they do not invite people into his home without his permission. 

In my view, if your BF has a problem with this, he probably has a problem with boundaries and that will cause bigger issues for you. 

Instafam11's picture

Well said. I think the biggest issue is the guilty dad syndrome that so many refer to. She is definitely not trying to come in to snoop, but rather just not considering the reality of the circumstances and not being willing to say "no, we have to get going" when they invite her in. I'm glad things are amicable between the BF and BM but I feel like sometimes they try so hard to make things amicable that it stays confusing for the kids. Like I know it sucks that mom and dad don't live together anymore, but that's the reality of the situation. 

He is able to go into the BMs home without any issue because she is not living with her new boyfriend yet, but I imagine that when that day comes, perhaps they'll both get it. 
 

Is there a way to request these boundaries without seeming like the A-hole?

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

“BF, it makes me uncomfortable when BM comes into our home. I wouldn’t be waltzing into her house because I feel it’s none of my business what’s in her home. I would like the same.”

and tell him he needs to stop her at the door. And like above posters have said, a conversation needs to be had with the kids WITHOUT him placing them blame entirely on you. If she were still supposed to be in there, she’d be living there. 

Instafam11's picture

I have said those things. As I mentioned earlier, he agreed to bring the kids to her or arrange a different pickup spot, but I felt it was begrudgingly. And I also think it's ridiculous. I didn't say she can't come TO the house, just not inside. He's had some sort of conversation with her about it, but I have no idea what that looked like. And she had the audacity to say that "I don't need to hide from her".  
It doesn't seem like it would be that hard to just say, "hey, it's weird for you to be in our house, bc you openly hate my gf and it makes her uncomfortable for you to be here. So if the kids ask you to come inside, I'd appreciate it if you would politely decline and say you need to get home or whatever other excuse you'd like to use, instead of making it awkward for everyone." 

it's frustrating that I'm being made to feel like I'm asking a lot or I'm hurting his kids by making this request. He hasn't directly said those things, but that's the insinuation. I guess I just needed to hear that I'm not wrong for feeling this way

strugglingSM's picture

I personally think it's good for the kids to see what healthy boundaries look like, but divorced parents are often driven by guilt rather than modeling healthy emotional behaviors. 

Does your BF know what healthy boundaries are? Has he truly separated from BM or is he still psychologically in a relationship with her - I don't mean does he still love her, but do they still provide emotional support to one another or serve as companions in any way? I say this, because I think that when you have children, it's difficult to actually end the relationship as partners because you are never apart. It takes effort to become two people who parent together rather than two people who are partnered for life. If he hasn't sufficiently done that, then he has some work to do, if he thinks he wants to have another relationship. 

Instafam11's picture

I'm not 100% sure, but I think he has mostly separated. They communicate a lot, but I don't think that there is much if any emotional support being exchanged. I also don't know what is appropriate or not as far as communicating about kid stuff. Like what does she need to be sharing about what is happening with them while she has them, and vise versa? I don't think it's a bad thing for them to want to know what's going on in their kids lives when they aren't with them, but how much is too much? I'm not really sure

Sparkl3s's picture

I made BM feel unwelcomed and guess what.... she stays in the car. You don't have to flat out say no to the kids put it in her court. "Oh no kiddos I'm sure your mom needs to get going", if she pushes then you will know it's her intent. 

Kes's picture

Over my dead body would NPD BM be allowed in my house!  Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. 

stepmominhiding's picture

Id you are living there ands you don't want to feel intruded on, BM stays outside.  Facetime starts in the child's bedroom.  

 

My rules of my home (for my peace if mind)  BM came in to see sd's room at the very beginning when new and DH moved in.  After that she came ands and told ne how i need to decorate my home and that my Christmas tree should not be fake. That was enough reasoning i would never let that beast im my home again. Ssf is allowed to facetime her mother as much as she wants.... in her room. 

1wonder woman's picture

They are divorced and this is what divorced couples are suppose to do.... exit each others lives and set boundaries and respect those boundaries. The children need to be taught hey we are divorced and when two people get a divorce they live in two separate homes and they longer go into each others homes. That is what normal divorced couples do and of course having his ex-wife enter your house would make you feel so uncomfortable. Plus there is that TV show the Reba McEntire show that I can't stand that teaches our children hey this is how divorced couples act... they are best friends and they are even best friends with the step mom and step dad... no no... maybe some divorced couples act this way but you know and I know most divorced couples hate each other and they do not their ex's entering their homes. Sadly kids need to be taught from get go hey we are divorced and this is how we do things now... the kids will learn really fast and the sooner the better.  Aster all your happiness should be important too... not just the kids! You two live together so these two need to set boundaries out of respect for you and your happiness. Plus these two use to be in love with each other and they do have kids together... now what if someday you are not in the house when she come there and lets say those old feelings I LOVE YOU resurface then what? No your boyfriend needs to protect his relationship with you and prevent something like this from ever happening because it could happen one day they use to love each other and he should know that. See it is easier on him to not tell his ex and kids no... and tell you no instead. He does not want to upset his ex-wife nor his kids their happiness comes first... wrong your happiness should matter too. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old... when ever my mom dropped us off to our Dad's she stopped her car in the drive way and we walked up to the door she honked her horn we went into our dads house while she sat in the car same went if my dad dropped us off at my moms. These days you have cell phones so much easier... I am sure his ex-wife has a cell phone and he does too they can take photos of their gifts or photos of their bedrooms or their pets and send them to each other and they could do live chat videos too with the kids and allow the kids to show their Dad and Mom the things they want to show them.  No need in these two entering each others homes. I feel it gives the children mixed messages too...  trust me every kid that has divorced parents deep down want their parents back together and seeing them enter each others homes might give the children their hopes up that they will be getting back together someday. Divorced couples are suppose to disengage... and set some boundaries the sooner the better for everyone.

Stepmof3's picture

No!

no BM in our home! I am very territorial and Specially of she doesn't wish you well! If she was a kind person, well succeed in a better relationship, I wouldn't see as much of a problem but it doesn't seem to be your case.

I would explain to your boyfriend like this:

i know you are trying the best for the kids, but if your ex was genuinely happy for you to be in a new relationship I wouldn't mind, but the vibe I get from her is she is wishing me dead everytime she glances at me, its a such a bad energy, a bad feeling, that puts me in a bad mood - awkwardness you are putting me thru, which could be easily avoided if we created some healthy boundaries - it's nof like the kids are really missing real interaction with their mom as they spend x time together so what is the real need for her to come inside here? ! Besides if I had an ex and had kids, how would you feel to see him inside of our home, another male inside of your house unexpectedly? Something along those lines... it worked for me. But in my case is my MIL that forces a relationship w BM. Good luck!

Evil3's picture

I don't care about looking like an asshole. I banned BM from my house. DH even told the SKs that they are not to invite BM into the house.

We found out through a comment from SS that, on school holidays while DH and I were at work, SD would invite BM into our house and she would stay for hours watching movies with SD. Apparently, this had been going on for years. SS was a kid and felt uncomfortable keeping SD and BM's secret, because even a kid knows it's wrong. Anyway, SS made a comment which outed SD and BM. DH went even more ballistic than I did. He was normally the worst Disney dad, but that time, he really came down on SD.

Whenever DH and I wouldn't be home or were to go on vacation, DH would remind the SKs that we live on a cul de sac with retired neighbourhood watch volunteers that have nothing better to do all day than to watch all the neighbours' houses. DH informed both SKs, and emphasized to SD, that he had informed the neighbours that if they see ANY adult other than DH or I, enter the house, they are to immediately call the police. DH went on to paint a picture of BM getting busted and carted away by the cops for break and enter. DH hated BM in my house even more than I did and he told the SK's, especially SD, how wrong she was to invite her BM into our home.

Here's what I think:

1) who gives a shit if you're the bad guy. It's YOUR home. YOU are the woman of the house. Not BM. Do not allow the excuse of BM being the mother of your SO's kids to force you to minimize YOUR role as CURRENT woman of the house and SO's life. If you give an inch, they'll take a mile. Take a stand and DO NOT enable anything at all that contributes to the minimizing of YOUR role and status. It all adds up. Even the "little" ones.

2) There is nothing at all wrong with telling the SKs that their BM is not allowed in their house. There is nothing wrong with reminding the SKs that their parents are divorced. If that needs to be sugar coated to remind younger kids that the parents didn't divorce the kids, then fine. But, dad needs to tell them that along with divorce comes boundaries, especially when the parents have moved on to new spouses. Facetiming, etc. can be done from the kids' bedrooms. That way, BM can see the kids' rooms without getting a f*cking tour of a day in the life of SM.

3) It must come from Dad. He needs to be the one to tell the SKs that BM is not allowed in the house. It is inappropriate and if they forget, they will be consequenced. The kids know what they're doing. If they need help remembering, then Dad needs to consequence them. My DH did. SD "forgot" only once. She got consequenced and never did it again. That way, SKs can't use, "I forgot" as a never ending excuse.

4) If your SO gaslights you or starts talking crap to try to convince you to lie down and take it, then give your SO consequences. Tell him that you cannot live that way and that as a SM, things are hard enough, so you don't need to sit back and enable the relegation of you as "interloper" and "outsider" in YOUR own relationship and household. Tell your SO that you're going to get a hotel room or go to a friend's for the weekend "to think about your options." Tell him it's a hill you're willing to die on. That will be enough of an implicit threat that you're leaving if he doesn't smarten the hell up and remember which woman he's f*cking and which one he should be pleasing.

Sorry for the harsh post, but in my case, it took getting to be very, very harsh and blatant in order to get the changes I so badly needed. There's only so much of being a putz a person can take. Stop it sooner rather than later.

Aniki's picture

Right?! DH put newspaper over the little windows on the front door after the neighbor told him that BioHo was trying to look inside the house. The women think that boundaries should never apply to them. 

missginger's picture

My DH never had his ex in his apartment when he was single or in our home since we've been together. He also never went into her apartment that she moved into after she moved out of their "married" house or her newvhouse she has now. The only time he ever stepped into her home was when they were first separated.  She was still in The house that they lived in when they were married and his daughter asked him to come in to see something in her room. He hated it and Whatever one or both of them said to her she's never triedvto have one of the parents come into the other parents house since.

CLove's picture

You are not the "bad guy". Print out all the comments along with your post, and show this to BF. Do a keyword search. If there are issues that BF is having on this subject, perhaps you can help change that.

We USED to allow BM into our home that she used to share with DH. Just as far as the entrance and kitchen, once into the bathroom.

NEVER again. She has violated all boundaries and continues to. She has been horrible not just to myself but also DH, over this 5.5 years in.

Thusly, she parks her car in the driveway for drop off. When she was dropping off items for SD13 when they moved, she was instructed to leave the trash bags on the the doorstep (by me). DH has gone into the new apartment a few times only to check out what his child is living in (not good!).

Boundaries.

WarMachine13's picture

NO!!

Mandy45's picture

Like it up to you and sometimes it hard with kids because they dont really understand as you saw in your situation they wanted to show there mum something sort of dragged her in the door not really thinking oh maybe bio not welcome there. 

Bio may of felt uncomfortable herself too but maybe didnt want to tell the kids she not allowed in the house. Without it being awkward and starting a confrontation. 

Like you might not want to invite her in for coffee offer her a seat. But sometimes everyone just have to be adults about it for the kids. They dont always understand why all the adults arent getting along. 

 

oatsnhoney's picture

They are confusing the kids. Why is Mom in Dads house but SM never goes in Moms? That's a power message. It's sets the stage for status battles and tells the kids SM is secondary here. Either all adults are open, or their is respectful boundaries. 
 

I understand his position, and BMs.. but regardless, it's not just Dad and Mom that count. Each human gets the same care and concern. It has to work for everyone. Easily explained to kids in a positive way for any parent wanting to solve things rather than push their own agenda.

LakesideChill19's picture

In reading all of this, I'm in agreement with boundaries.  Not wanting to hijack your (OP) post, I would share this about not setting boundaries, because this is where it goes badly.  My SO of three years was all about inclusion when we first got together.  Her logic was that when they split, they were going to be friends and co-parent.  From then until now, she has (despite several conversations about boundaries) allowed him in for dinner (even allowing him to cook here), to do his laundry, to watch football, insist that I entertain (play Cribbage, etc.), to come let out the dog while we were on vacation and even loan him money (my money).  In fact, last Summer, I paid for Summer Camp, Baseball and Dance (and have not been repaid), while being a work-from-home Dad, saving them tons of money on Child Care.  That doesn't include that she has on several occasions invited him to gatherings/dinners at her parents and family (they even bought him Christmas gifts)..

In her mind, it is 'good for the kids' to see that we can all 'get along', but over time it's left me feeling like a third wheel in my own life and left in a place where I'm having to consider this relationship, because frankly I'm not sure what it is anymore.

My point (again sorry for hijacking) is please, I beg you, don't make my mistake. Set the boundaries now, because once gone, they are never coming back and it can happen very subtley! Best of luck to you as you work through this.

Gimlet's picture

OMG, that sounds awful.

For you and for OP, you can set boundaries anytime.  Just because you didn't do it at the beginning doesn't mean you never can.  It will be more difficult, and people will get upset at first, but if you stay committed to the boundaries they will come around eventually.  If they don't, then you can make a decision based on the lack of respect for your needs.

It sounds like your SO should have stayed with her ex.  How utterly disrespectful to you. 

RAJ C's picture

SOme years ago I was in a very similar situation as you. My wife kept trying to accomodate things so that there would not be a time where BD would have the opprtunity to come into our house, but she was doing it as your BF not convinved and kept saying that the kids want to show their dad the house, their things etc. ALso she did not want to tell BD he could not come into the house to avoid confrontations. All this built resentment from her towards me for having this limits and from me towards her for not enforcing them properly.

Looking back, I should have been clear that those limits should not be violated, and that if BD did not agree with respecting our boundaries then the kids should be told about them. Otherwise everyone gets blamed when things like this occur and resentment builds up.

greenskin's picture

What a tough spot. The kids are so young, it's hard for them to understand.

Is it possible that if they want to show mom some of their things from your home, they could show it to her on the porch? Or they could make appointments with her - so that she can see this part of your lives, but only planned in advance so it's not sprung on you?

If not, that's totally fine. I don't think you can prevent the resentment that their BM is planting, so it's best to protect yourself. And fair warning: those seeds of resentment towards their dad and you tend to bloom very suddenly when they become teenagers. I hope that doesn't happen to you, but it's a very common experience.

Iamwoman's picture

No. The Maggot Queen is not allowed in our home. She has tried many tactics to enter our home, including losing (losing? Hiding? Taking?) YSS11's phone and calling the police to tell them that we stole it... and proceeding to meet law enforcement in our driveway where she then tried to convince the cops to let her in our house to "search for YSS11's phone."

Utter ridiculousness. The officer was exasperated with her and felt so sorry for us. Plus, it's always embarrassing to have to deal with law enforcement due to a crazy ex. 
 

As for FaceTime: skids are only allowed to FaceTime or even call their mother in their rooms. House rule.

Rags's picture

Hell no.  If the SpermIdiot was in my home he would be breaking and entering and Texas has great castle laws.  My SS would never invite him in and neither would my wife.

BF needs to grow some sack and inform his kids and his XW that she is not to be in the home. Keep it simple. If the kids ask why, the reason is that "It is not your mom's home.".