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She's gonna be "broke"

StepDoormat's picture

Long story short: DH & BM had a private CS & alimony agreement. HE took HER to court to get an order for it. This was for several reasons: He couldn't claim the alimony on taxes without it, she used it as a tool to manipulate all the time, and he had to personally make arrangements to hand her a check every 2 weeks. He decided he'd rather just get his wages garnished, and not have to deal with her bs. The good news? It was reduced by almost $1000 through the courts per month! Hah!

This all happened last Tuesday. DH called CSEA today and they said it will take approximately 4-6 weeks for them to process the paperwork and another 2 weeks for them to issue payment. They said DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, pay her privately. Once the paperwork is processed, he will have to pay retroactively from the date of the CO. So, anything he gives her privately will be considered a "gift".

Here's the deal: her only "job" is sitting on her ass, collecting my DHs money. It's right before Christmas. He pays her so much money that I already warned him we weren't financing Christmas for his 3 kids this year. I let him know that they each get a moderate gift, and that's it. 2 of the 3 kids haven't even talked to him since July.

I am already predicting what is going to happen. BM is gonna be "BROKE" with no income stream. DH is gonna feel soooooo bad because skids aren't going to have a Christmas. He is going to attempt to finance a big Santa Christmas (even though skids are 10, 13, 16). He does EVERYTHING out of guilt... ALL the time.

I am sick of it. How do I even bring this up with DH? He makes double my salary and I feel like if I mention it, he is going to go off about me telling him how to spend his money and accuse me of trying to ruin his kids' holiday.

Last night though... he made a comment to me about how much we've spent lately on unexpected things. Then he told me that he felt bad he wouldn't be able to buy me something fancier for the holidays this year. SOOOO - he is already telling me that Christmas expenses are going to be a stress this year, but I know he will stretch us beyond the max to ease his guilt for ungrateful, horrible skidmarks.

How would you ladies approach this? I am getting anxious and stressed just thinking about it.

SMof2Girls's picture

He will have to pay retro-actively for all those weeks he's not paying though. It's not "free" money he doesn't have to pay, payment is just delayed.

StepDoormat's picture

^^^ Exactly. Basically, we are putting the money in a savings account until they can accept a payment. We will have to pay the whole 3 month lump in one payment.

SMof2Girls's picture

Any way you can get him to agree to a budget per kid? Or have a conversation with the skids ahead of time explaining the situation; funds are tight and he won't be able to fund a big elaborate holiday?

Anon2009's picture

I agree with this. Talking to them and explaining that things are tight and so there won't be an elaborate holiday this year might be a good way to go. Agreeing to a budget for each kid is a good idea too. You don't have to buy them these fancy iPhones, but maybe getting them each a small thing or two they'd like would be nice.

smithsgirl's picture

I had the same problem this year ,BM has moved recently to a more expensive house (her choice ,too fussy with where she wanted to go) and her benefits have gone down because of the government change. She's also having to drive the kids to school and back everyday and because her 8 seater to accomodate her 7 kids by 3 different fathers, it guzzles petrol so that's costing a lot. Oh and she's starting a business which is costing a bit (well ,she's going self employed because she gets more from working tax credits than not working and claiming income support, so she doesnt actually have to sell anything ) so ,she's "broke" as she keeps telling us. However ,partner pays maintenance which would be more than enough if she hadn't had 3 more kids afterwards and wasn't getting money from the fathers. 
Partner this year has actually put a limit on Christmas presents on each child as he's getting the main and BM's getting the little bits. And he's said that if the kid wants a main present over the amount he's set then he'll pay his amount and BM can put the extra towards it and they get less little presents from her. The same works for our child ,so he can't be accused of not being fair ,so if I decide to spend an extortionate amount on our son (which I wouldn't) and he ends up getting more than the Skids then noone can complain as I can spend whatever I like on my kid as I didn't go and have loads of kids so I can afford to. This only works because we have seperate finances. So your partner should spend what he was going to spend on them and if they get less than they usually would because BM is broke than that's her fault. I know it sounds mean but your partner shouldn't be expected to make up for BM's laziness.'s picture

I'm going through kind of the same thing, FDH does EVERYTHING out of guilt. SD15 is not speaking to him right now and everything is really kind of strained. I KNOW he's going to go above and beyond for her this year at Christmas just bc he feels guilty about the awful year they have been having :sick:

And it bugs the shit out of me

smithsgirl's picture

That's what else I was going to say. If you put back the
original amount of CS you used to pay until you can start
officially paying it then after you've paid the backdate you
should have an extra $1000 for each month you haven't paid so
you should be ok for money Smile

StepDoormat's picture

I don't disagree that money will be better by not paying this much. But, you also have to realize that DH has $150k in student loan debt from medical school that we struggle to pay every month. After he pays CS, alimony, and his student loans, we are almost "broke" ourselves. That was why he had it reduced. Essentially, this "extra" $1000 per month will allow us to pay our bills on time and buy groceries. Not fund a fancy Christmas for kids that won't even speak to him.

Orange County Ca's picture

Yeah the Grand per month in savings will make up for this = think in the long term not just today.

Your underlying problem is that he spoils his kids of course but as a second wife you have little power over him and how he treats his kids. Other than the usual threat to leave which you may not wish to make because he may very well open the door for you. Its a bad idea to get between a parent and their kids.

You could try to find a book for him to read with the subject of non-custodial fathers and how they spoil their children.

StickAFork's picture

Two things...
1. Did they actually tell you to hold payments until they were "ready?" If so, that's the first I've EVER heard of that. I believe you should still submit the payment to them (don't give it to BM as a gift!!) but it should still be submitted on time.
2. If his order dropped $1000 a month, Christmas should be easy breezy this year!

StepDoormat's picture

Yes, they said that cannot accept payments until a case number has been assigned. It could take 4-6 weeks to set up his account to pay them. He called to pay today and they actually said that they could not set up an account. Essentially, by the time they have his account set up, he starts in arrearage. That's why he has to make a lump sum payment for the full amount.

The second part... I am looking forward to the extra $1000 a month... but like a previous post indicates: He has $150k in student loan debt from med school. Even with the drop in support, this barely helps us cover our bills. We literally had put off paying things because he was giving so much money to BM through their "private" agreement that we barely had anything left for ourselves. Honestly, this will help us pay for groceries and utilities... not have a breezy, elaborate Christmas.

hereiam's picture

I don't understand why it has to be a big, elaborate Christmas. Maybe it's time they learn what Christmas is really about.

StepDoormat's picture

I-m so happy Agreed! I never had big, fancy, gift-filled holidays. We gave gifts that we needed or that were meaningful. BUT - BM tells them things all the time like: "Your dad is a DOCTOR... you tell him that you don't need to live like you're poor!" (That was a real statement).

OK - DH is a doctor. And WE live like he's poor, while the kids get a new wardrobe every few months, she drives a brand new car, etc. In fact, she bought SS10 a pair of $300 tennis shoes last month!!! A ten year old!!!! And then, she had the nerve to ask DH to reimburse her for 50%.

I'm telling you... I don't think they should get much more than one gift. These are kids who don't even talk to him. They refuse visits, won't answer his calls.... But then SD16 called him to ask for his credit card number to purchase a $450 homecoming dress!!!!!!!!!!!!! DH laughed and told her to shove it.

They are spoiled, entitled, brats. And, its all BM AND DH's fault.