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She is not his daughter...

starmama's picture

Hello, new here. My live in boyfriend of 5 years has two small daughters whom I adore. I have an older daughter. His ex wife has a 13 year old daughter from a previous marriage. My boyfriend still wants to play father figure to this non-bio child and it's really starting to get to me. He was an active part of her life for around four years while they were married. They are now divorced and she is re-married. He still insists on playing supporter and father figure to this non bio child and it's starting to get to me because I don't understand the reasoning why.

whenever he gets his two daughters on an off weekend he gets this other child as well. Instead of the ex calling this non bio's real father she calls on my boyfriend. I don't know if this is because she is manipulative and uses my boyfriend or because my boyfriend feels guilty because he feels responsible for the failure of their marriage even though his ex cheated on him and left him for another man.

when we first met he claimed to have three daughters. This almost deterred me from talking to him at all.

He just seems to have this strange attachment to her and I'm not getting why. She has a real father who is active, a new step father who is active and my boyfriend who still insists on being active every chance he could get. I don't understand. When she is around I've noticed that he gives her more attention then his own two daughters. He has his computer passwords as her name and not his own two daughters. There are times he's walked by and patted her on the butt. There are times he'll walk by her and just give her a random kiss on the cheek. She has sat on his lap, etc. which doesn't seem right to me.

When we first started dating, he told me he was sad because he thought he was "losing" her and I saw a text that he sent to his ex wife the other day saying how much he missed this non bio child and wanted to spend more time with her. I also see random texts that he'll send to non bio child directly telling her how much he loves her and misses her.

I love his children but I'm finding it very difficult with this non bio child. Like I don't want her around. I don't feel comfortable when she is around. He lives with me and our apartment is small. It actually is just a two bedroom for my daughter and I but because I love him when he does have his children I make it work.

I just don't get the attachment to this non bio child and I'm wondering if I should be concerned. Like although I love his children I do find it hard to play step mom at times. Especially not being married. So when it comes to him wanting this other child around us I feel like why should I be responsible? why should he be responsible? She's not his child.

Why can't this non bio's mom call her real father to take her on the off weekends?

Is my boyfriend still in love with the ex and wants to look like a hero? Look good in their eyes? Does he have a weird obsession with this non bio child?

Finally, am I required to accommodate this child anymore? Especially when I don't want to and don't feel comfortable?

I'm trying to figure out a way to let him know how I feel. well, he knows that I'm not happy when this happens but he still continues to allow it. I want him to understand why I feel this way without him being upset.

Again, I'm just at a point where I don't want to have to accommodate this situation anymore and I want him to understand that if he wants to play father figure to this non bio child then he needs to find another place to stay with her because I'm not ok with it. His daughters I love so anytime but I cannot accept this non bio child.

I'm not being a mean person and I've stated some concerns above. Am I picking up on something I haven't pinpointed as of yet?

Any advice is much appreciated. I'm needing help on how to deal right now.

Thanks so much!
Even his sisters, my friends and family don't understand why he is the way he is with her.

ybarra357's picture

"I've noticed that he gives her more attention then his own two daughters. He has his computer passwords as her name and not his own two daughters. There are times he's walked by and patted her on the butt. There are times he'll walk by her and just give her a random kiss on the cheek. She has sat on his lap, etc. which doesn't seem right to me."

:O

This indeed sounds odd...

smomof2's picture

Not to judge others but the relationship dynamic seems odd to me. Even if he was her bio dad, 13 years old is way too old to still sit on Daddy's lap or have him smack you on the butt. At 13, she's a young woman, not a little girl anymore. There are major boundary issues going on here. I would have understand his involvement if the girl's dad was not active but since you said he is, I really don't get why your bf insists on being so involved.

One thing I want to tell you is that a woman's intuition is a powerful thing. Trust it! If your gut is telling you something is not right, chances are it's not.

Good luck to you, I hope you get your answers.

starmama's picture

Hi all and thanks for the quick responses.

I've seen her sit on his lap once, hug him from behind once and I saw him pat her on the butt once just recently.

Her father is active just not as active as some other father's because of his work hours so she spends a lot of time with her father's fiancée. Her father is active.

Regardless, I still think that the attachment is overboard and I need to figure out why. Is it because he still loves and wants ex so he needs to look good or because he has some weird obsession with her?

He told me that he fell in love with his non bio child when she was a baby. He used to watch her while her cheating mom bartended. So, apparently, he's in "love" with her for whatever reason. He says because she is his daughters older sister, etc.

I just don't get it. I can see him buying her gifts for Christmas, Birthday, etc. but the texts and the wanting to see her every chance he can?

Like he had her and took her out of town to his families with his daughters and he told me "I'm so happy I'm gonna have my three girls" and then he called his sister and was like "are you ready for the best surprise ever? so and so is coming!! don't tell anyone cause it's a secret". Like is she a celebrity or something?

Just odd to me.

How do I tell him without coming across as an evil witch that I don't want her here anymore? That if he wants to play father figure he needs to go stay somewhere else with his kids and make other accomodations.

Am I wrong at all?

Because he will turn it around on me and make me question myself and feel bad about it.

He brought her here a few weeks ago for three days and I asked him if he was taking her and his kids back to his families. He got so defensive and said "yah you're awesome! I'm gonna drive her four hours out of town cause you don't want her around". I said it's not that I don't want her around. I've always been more than kind and accommodating, however, three days is a lot when we don't have money for food and we're in this small apartment. So there was a huge argument there.

Again, I've always accommodated. Not wanting to but I have but I don't want to anymore.

I just don't want to come across as an evil person.

ybarra357's picture

No matter what you say you WILL be viewed as an evil person. He seems determined to have her in his life and there's really nothing you can do or say to change it. Either accept it or move on. This whole scene is very odd and bordering on inappropriate.

smomof2's picture

you are far more accommodating and nicer than I would be in this situation. I would not have put it with it. Did you have to put up with that for the last 5 years? It's your apartment, you have the right to say you can come in and who can't, especially when your own kid is there as well. As your partner he should be understanding instead of turning it around on you. Don't feel bad setting the boundaries and stand up for yourself, it might mean the end of your relationship but if you don't speak up, you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.

I do understand that he's been in her life since she was a baby so he considers her a daughter and has a bond with her but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

ybarra357's picture

According to the OP he hasn't been in her life since she was a baby - 4 years tops while him and BM were married and she's 13. If I read that correctly.

momof5_1969's picture

In my humble opinion I think you are over reacting. Now I haven't read any of your past posts, or the history you have with this daughter.

But honestly, so what if he wants to continue to have a relationship with a child that he bonded with while he was with his ex? Not everything is sexual. I used to sit on my own dad's lap and there was never, ever anything sexual at all from my dad towards me. He is and was a very loving father. I think in our society, we sexualize everything. A kiss on the cheek means nothing other than "I love you".

The way he appears to love her is in a healthy, non-sexual way the way father's are with daughters.

The pat on the bottom is not that big of a deal -- he probably shouldn't do it anymore, but all in all, it's nothing.

And so what if the bio dad is in the picture and she has a step dad? Does that mean that he has to give up her relationship just because he is no longer with her Mom? I mean, his bio daughters ARE her sister.

So for five years, this guy has been in your life -- he was honest with you about his three daughters, and now you're still trying to figure out if he has an inappropriate relationship with her? And the texts? No big deal.

If this child was a nightmare and a little jerk, I could be sympathetic, but good for him for being an honorable man by being a father and being there for not only his bio girls, but a child that is not his and being a father figure. Girls need good, positive, father figures in their lives. And why not have more people in their life to love on them?

I'm sorry I can't jump on this bandwagon because it doesn't appear to me that there is anything inappropriate that is so obvious. I think you are grasping for straws. I mean, if he was making an obvious point to be alone with this child all the time, locking the doors and locking you out, taking her places ALL the time alone without anyone else -- I would get concerned then. But you haven't said anything like that.

It just sounds like a good dad to me who gets the "Disneyland Dad" package after the divorce.

So he loves this girl -- so what? So he loves his other daughters - I would HOPE so.

Maybe you need to re-think being in this relationship now before more years go by and you end up causing problems in his relationship with his daughters because you're jealous.

luchay's picture

Oh thank God! I was starting to think it was just me!

I agree with everything you say, and would like to add.

1. He has been in this girls life since she was a baby - he created a bond with her and considers her his daughter, and made NO secret of that fact - he told you up front he has 3 daughters. Applause to HIM!

2. SHE is as much (if not MORE) to him as your own daughter! Would you have him consider your daughter as expendable as you want him to think of a child he has raised for nigh on 13 years?

NevermoreLenore's picture

He was her stepfather for four years. He baby sat her daughter when she was younger. But many people babysit. I have been a live in nanny, that didnt elevate me to parental status.

I understand people develope attachments to children they care for and the children do too. But really, step parenting is like being a nanny or child care provider. Sometimes we spend far more time caring for them than their actual parents at the end of the show they are not ours. And when a marriage ends sometimes it is healthier to sever those ties too Sad

This ex wifes child is not MORE a daughter than his current wife's child. His new stepchildren are his present and future. That being said, if this marriage ended too then he has no obligation to this stepchild either.

NevermoreLenore's picture

At first this set off my creepy meter. Then I chilled out.

But honestly, this girl HAS an involved father. She also has a new stepfather. Its time to move on and let the past go.

It isn't fair to YOU, to her bio father and the stepfather for an ex husband to be so enmeshed.

I can't imagine if my husband were to marry me then send his child to be with an exwife that isn't her mother. Id feel really uncomfortable being the new step parent with a past step in the picture.

I don't think I would want a child around that was the ex wives kid and no way related to my spouse. That is just an honest answer.

starmama's picture

Hello again. Thanks to all of you for your input. I would like to clarify that I'm in no way jealous of this child or his daughters. I love children. I'm a mother. However, I feel that he's stuck in his past and that makes me feel horrible. He drinks quite frequently and sometimes smokes stuff and I believe it's because he's still stuck in the past and what his life "could have been" if his ex didn't cheat on him and leave him. So that hurts. Makes me question.

Also, if he wants to play father figure to her than that is fine. Why do I have to deal with it and be put out of my comfort zone?

My daughter said she felt like there was a huge elephant in the room the last time she was here because he was acting so differently around her. There was a huge feeling of tension and it felt uncomfortable. My daughter is 19, she is a total lover, is very smart and intuitive and she sensed this for a reason.

Again, I love his daughters. I'm finding it difficult to accept the situation because she is not his blood.

I sometimes feel that the reasoning behind him doing what he is doing is for the wrong reasons. I think I expressed that earlier.

I've never been able to have a constructive conversation with him about this because he explodes on me and walks out of the room if I ever bring it up. It's been five years. We should be able to discuss why he is the way he is with her.

The ex takes total advantage because she KNOWS that he will jump to any opportunity to be with her. She was just stranded on vacation (her honeymoon, actually) and because the bio father was working and the fiancée was working who is the FIRST person she calls? She calls my boyfriend. Because she knows she CAN. I feel that he is wrapped around her finger still.

There have been times that him and I have had plans to do things and I've been put on the back burner because the ex has called with her damsel in distress issues and he wound up picking them over me. That isn't always fair. Especially when I'm always accommodating and planning my life around what they want. It's ok to once in awhile tell the ex that we have plans and can't come to the rescue.

So yes, this situation is less than ideal. I love him, I love his two daughters and of course mine, however, I don't want to put up with the situation of the non bio any longer. Especially since I feel that we aren't even married and he doesn't appreciate it.

He is asking for ALOT.

I feel strongly about this right now and I want to let him know. What do you recommend I say that comes across as constructive yet kind? I want to set boundaries for myself. I deserve to after five years of always being a yes woman when I didn't want to always.

what do I say?

P.S. Please remember that even his own sisters think his attachment to her is odd. When she sat on his lap last his sister had the weirdest look on her face. Like she couldn't believe it. Also, my friends and family are in the same boat. They think he has to much baggage.

He is asking for a lot from me. I think there is a woman out there that MAY be ok with this but my guess is that there isn't many.

One more thing. Not ONCE has he thanked me for being so good to his daughters and good to even his non bio when she is around. Not ONCE so that makes me want to do it even less. I feel taken for granted and that really hurts me.

NevermoreLenore's picture

My advice is to pack up and move on with YOUR future. Let him wallow in the past.

If its been this many years since the divorce and he is still behaving like this, he will never change. And you know the answer within is that you can't play in this production. So close the curtains.

starmama's picture

Yes, I think it's time to move on. I'm 38, will be 39 soon and am in a long term relationship, playing wife, step mom and accommodate this non bio and I have nothing to show for it. I deserve a commitment and a happy life and sense of well being. I feel this is a battle that I'll never win and I need to learn to take care of me and what makes me happy. For too long I've worried about making him happy.

I just don't know what to tell him without coming across as mean and evil. I sometimes feel like if I were more laid back and open to him spending time with this other child that he'd be less abusive towards himself. But then again I have been accommodating and good to them. Sometimes with a fight because I feel taken advantage of but I HAVE done the right thing.

He always says the reason we're not married is because all I do is complain when I don't. I like to let him know how I feel.

I feel manipulated and used to be honest with you. Feeling sort of hurt right now.

I could really use some words of advice on what to tell him exactly without coming across as the witch who hates children here, etc.

I appreciate you all here, very much!

NevermoreLenore's picture

You know his position. Telling him yours will not make him change his position and he will think your the bad guy.

If you can't live like this then don't. Tell him you have grown apart. That's it. If you tell him the why then he will just use it to twist the situation and make things even holier than they have to be.

We have grown apart. I think its time to move on without each other. <<<<< just say that

starmama's picture

Thanks NevermoreLenore. I like the short, simple and to the point. This is so hard because I do love him. We have five years invested and our kids, etc. are attached.

He's not willing to compromise on what makes me happy and that includes him not playing father figure to this non bio so I need to do what makes me happy.

Relationships are about compromise and meeting each other half way.

I think it's a wrap.

NevermoreLenore's picture

I don't see either of you budging in your positions. It may be better to find peace in separate homes than come to war in one.

starmama's picture

Hi NevermoreLenore - I have budged. I've budged for years already. There has been no budging from his end so I'm tired of having to do so.

As we discussed, I think I'm just breaking up with him.

I really want him to know how I feel about the issue with the non bio daughter. Like I want to tell him why so he doesn't think that it's because I dislike her. I just don't know how to word it properly. Sometimes I get frazzled when I talk to him because he gets upset so I have to speak very carefully.

Any suggestions on how to let him know?

Thanks!!! Smile

P.S. He is wanting to bring his daughters and the non bio over tomorrow through Saturday and I'm having issues with that. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him nicely that I don't want that anymore. I'm ok with his girls but not the non bio. It's just too much. Any suggestions?

I'm really needing help with that.

Onefootout's picture

"When she is around I've noticed that he gives her more attention then his own two daughters. He has his computer passwords as her name and not his own two daughters."

^^^^^^
I remember reading this in an earlier post, can't forget the part about the bf who had his non-bio daughter's name as his password. But starmama's only been a member for 5 hours. This post is a repeat from at least a few weeks ago. What's up with that?

Does anyone else remember this story from before? Maybe I read it a few weeks ago, not sure. The story itself is weird, and I'm feeling weirder about the fact this is a repeat from a 5 hour member.

Not trying to be insensitive, but something about this story doesn't sit well with me. If I'm way off base, my apologies, but I don't think I am.

Jelly2's picture

Weird like the topic "text message"? that was posted 6 hrs ago? Making sure they dont have to be approved of before they appear? Seems weird to me, too.
BTW, I only look new to the group b/c my Jellybeam password remembered by a different computer and when I tried to change it on this computer, b/c I don't remember it, it didn't work. So, I'm not a meddling, stalking troll...:) just for your info.

starmama's picture

I don't understand why the topic test message was "weird" because I couldn't find the original message I submitted. Sorry if you're "weirded" out by that. Totally legitimate question.

Jelly2's picture

If someone, ANYONE, real dad, step dad , uncle whatever patted my BD12 on the butt I would beat him down with a baseball bat! Sicko...does the BM know about the patting? Gross!

starmama's picture

AGREE!!! I don't think she knows about the pat. I'm not sure if she even knows about the lap sitting or the non bio hugging him from behind, etc. I was tempted to tell her but I felt she would think that I was out of line.

starmama's picture

Hello everyone - Good morning! I have started a new thread on the forum because I could not find the old post to refer to. My apologies. Perhaps I should have mentioned that before? Again, didn't feel need to cause I couldn't find original and didn't want to confuse anything.

I'm no troll and the situation is the real deal for you people who think that I'm a fake or phony.

So yes, the story is weird to some of you and it doesn't sit well with some of you. Well, can you imagine how I feel? I get that, which is why I'm here seeking advice. Because I want to make sure that I'm not in the wrong here. Assuming the wrong thing or being impatient and/or insensitive to the situation.

I appreciate all of your advice and I hope to keep hearing your input as you're helping to open my eyes.

Thanks and I hope all of you have a great day!! Smile

P.S. Jelly2 - I don't think she knows about the pat. I'm not sure if she even knows about the lap sitting or the non bio hugging him from behind, etc. I was tempted to tell her but I felt she would think that I was out of line.

Onefootout's picture

Most people wouldn't have noticed and you normally you wouldn't need to clear it up. I just happen to remember some of the unique facts of your post, and since you started a new account 5 hours before posting this, what was going through my mind, was someone else copied and pasted your original post and adopted it as theirs. There are a some weirdos on here who post fake stories, for whatever reason, to get attention, and I though someone was doing that with your post.

Anyway, it's not that big a deal to me, this is a forum accessible by anyone, and all kinds of characters, it's just a forum. But I couldn't help but be curious and feel a little odd about it. Sorry, meant no offense. Post away. And sorry you have to live in that weird situation. I could never love someone like your DH. that would be a deal breaker. But I know it's hard sometimes to just up and leave, depending on the circumstances. But I hope you're considering it.

starmama's picture

Thanks onefootout! I get where you're coming from. Thanks for clarifying and letting me clarify! Smile

Yes, I'm considering it. I feel like it's all too much. I'm also thinking that I never need to date a man with children again. Unless they are older and I have a more formal commitment. Then I would consider moving forward, being the step mom and wife.

When you say you could never love someone like my DH why do you say that? What about him? Just curious.

Also, he is not even my DH. He's my DB (Dear Boyfriend), lol. Guess that makes it worse, huh? There really is nothing holding me back.

Do you have any advice on how I can express my concern and let him know that I will no longer tolerate him having her around without coming across as evil and mean?

Thanks!!

Onefootout's picture

Unfortunately I can be blunt, but my heart is in the right place. I could never love someone who treated me the way your BF is treating you. He's lovey dovey with a 13 year old girl but he treats you with hostility. I couldn't love a man who puts a 13 yo girl before me. She is the number 1 woman in his life, and I couldn't love someone who puts me at the bottom of his priority list. I hear nothing about any affection or goodwill he shows towards you. For me to love someone they have to be affectionate towards me, and they have to be nice to me, and notjit when they want something from me. A rough patch here and there is okay, but total lack of affection and friendliness is a huge turn off for me. Also I see a lot of disrespect towards you, I could not love someone who treats me in such a disrespectful manner.

And of course, I couldn't love someone who has no personal boundaries and has a totally inappropriate relationship with a teenage girl. His family and your family all agree it's inappropriate, so I'm going with them as well as your instincts.

I used to think I loved a man who mistreated me. But once I got away from him, I realized I was in love with a man who never really existed. I completely created this man in my mind, and mistakenly thought it was my ex-bf. But I never loved who he really was. I was able to love him because I overlooked who he really was and imposed this other imaginary guy onto him.

And I was also in love with the dream of getting married someday and living in a nice house and being a family where I knew I could turn the little Stepkid devils into well behaved children. My ex-bf knew this about me and he totally played me, stringing me along making me think we might get married without any ring or actual proposal. I wasn't even contemplating marriage until he started dropping hints he wanted us to marry, he said he'd been shopping for rings. Never expected him to do this. I was flattered and fell for it all.

When that dream came crashing down, it was bad but after some time I now realize I dodged a bullet.

Now I've met a man who shows affection towards me very day. We've only been together a year and a half so time will tell and the lovey dovey stuff may die down. But I'm still way better off than I was with the other guy.

You can find someone better in time as well. I'm confident of that.

starmama's picture

Onefootout, I appreciate your bluntness  He does show me love and affection. He is just very one sided and has to have his way. He refuses to talk about the situation with the non bio though or to see it through my eyes. But yes, he is sort of emotionally turned off when it comes to discussing things. It seems anything that a normal adult couple would discuss and he walks away and will shut me down.

He seems to get very defensive because he knows his decisions aren’t always the best.

Difference with your ex is that he would at least talk with you about marriage. My boyfriend when I bring it up says to not pressure him and why do we have to have a piece of paper to make it official. He said that if he could afford it he would. I told him that a proposal is free, a wedding band can be less than $100 and a trip to the justice of the peace is free. He said he knows what I deserve and wouldn’t have it any other way. He told me to just let things happen. That I’m always pressuring him which I don’t. I’ve brought it up a very few times and everytime he’s shut the conversation down. Making it seem that I was desperate and that if I didn’t pressure him it would happen.

So your jerk ex at least talked to you about it.

It makes me crazy to see friends and even his family members who have been in shorter term relationships getting engaged and married and here I am…five years and nothing?

I don’t know if he’s afraid to get married because he was so hurt by his ex and is broke now because of her. She seriously ruined his life. Or because he doesn’t see me as marriage material and is just using me for a place to stay and for a fake wife and fake step mom? It’s been five years already. No conversation…nothing.

There is no compromise either. When it was time for our lease to be up I told him that we should move to a bigger house. He said he wanted to move over by his children (which is 20 mins away) and I told him that was a bit far for me for work and for school for my daughter. I told him we could move somewhere in between and he wouldn’t budge. He said he wants to move by them and that’s that. No compromise. So I went ahead and got a smaller two bedroom for my daughter and I. Well, he’s still living with us. Still hasn’t gotten that “place” closer to his kids.

Just makes me wonder.

I like how you explain how you were projecting the thought of the perfect man onto the bad man. I never thought of it that way. I guess I’m in love with my BF’s potential because there is A LOT but he’s not reaching it.

I just wish I got what his ex wife got. He treated her like a queen. She didn’t have to work, he hired a maid for her (can we say she was lazy?) and this all while she is a bartender and cheated on him.

How is it that me, the good woman who actually loves him unconditionally, treats him and his daughters the way he deserves to be treated, has a good job, is fun and attractive gets the short end of the stick?

She ruined him and I’m the one who is suffering for it. She ruined him and he shows her more respect than he does me. How does that work?

It makes me nutty!!!

I guess I’m tired of being in love with potential and need to find someone I can really love all the way around and who will return the same to me.

Onefootout's picture

Very well said Starmama. By the way, my ex did want to get married, badly, he just didn't want to marry me. He got married a year after we broke up.

I have two sisters, one recently married and one who's about to get engaged. And I'm the oldest! I can't wait for the pity people will feel for the poor spinster sister. But you know what? I've changed. I'm in no rush to marry my SO. I can't explain it but I don't have that strong desire to get married anymore. SO has a needy teenage son, and I'm waiting to see if he fails to launch or not. If he does fail I need to be able to make a quick exit, and marriage throws a wrench into my plans.

I absolutely understand the desire to get married, it is a reasonable goal and expectation. Maybe because I got burned last time, I put my dreams of marriage on hold. Also I'm very scared of divorce.

starmama's picture

The whole he got married a year after you broke up is what scares me and hurts my feelings. That's what I feel will happen when I leave. That crushes me because I am so good. Why wouldn't he want to settle down with me? After all of our time? After all I've done? The relationship I've bonded with his children?

I get that him marrying someone else will be me dodging a bullet as you say. It still crushes my self esteem to the extreme.

Just don't get why I wasn't good enough and why his ex cheating wife was and/or why some other woman will be? I feel like I did something wrong.

So sometimes I think that's why I hold on. Because I feel that I need to change. I know that is not the truth but I can't help but to feel this way.

Onefootout's picture

Because he's a loser that's why. And don't get me wrong, even though I was over my ex-bf and was dating a good man, I was hurt and insulted when I found out he was getting married. Not because I liked him or wanted to get back with him. I felt how dare he think I'm not good enough to marry when I'm so much better than he is. It wasn't a rational feeling, but I did feel insulted. I can't explain it. it bruised my ego more than anything.

But a year and a half later I could care less, really. He kept texting me even after he got married, just to rub it in my face I presume. He wanted to show me up. I ignored his texts. and now I breath a huge sigh of relief and smile knowing his kids are still probably still trashing the house, the roaches are still scurrying in the kitchen, the young SS11 is still probably not wiping his butt and leaving his poopy underwear on the master bath floor. I really feel sorry for his new wife.

Time was the only cure for what happened to me.

Onefootout's picture

I wouldn't worry about expressing your concern. But if you do, know that no matter how nice you are he's going to find a way torturous make you feel like the mean witch. Je has to in order to rationalize his inappropriate behavior. I would just wait until you're ready to leave, and then let him have it, singe gentle, and them leave. Don't wait for his response.

But really I wouldn't bother expressing your concerns because he's shown no indication that he cares about your feelings.

Cocoa's picture

i think there are alot of problems going on in your relationship and the non-bio sd situation seems more problematic probably than it is. i don't think it would be such a big issue with you if the rest of your relationship with your bf were on track (other than he needs to start seeing sd as a young woman vs a child).

there's many reasons here to end this relationship, but i just can't get over the fact that he uses marriage as a carrot to dangle in front of you to keep you in line! you deserve soooo much better.