Sleeping in your bed when you're gone? :sick: That's just wrong. Clearly there are boundary issues going on. I can't offer much advice 'cause I kinda know what you're going through. As the SM it seems we're to enter "their" world and assimilate and doing everything on "their" terms - but God forbid we ask them to abide by our boundaries or comfort zone or we're deemed "unreasonable" or "demanding" or "uncooperative."

Maybe you can just sit DH down and calmly explain to him that SD's behavior makes you uncomfortable. Tell him that what is between the two of you is just that - between the two of you - and that you don't feel it's right to "burden" SD with all the details. Tell him that you have your own boundaries and then lay them out for him.

If he's reasonable, he'll listen, and abide (as a reasonable spouse would). If not...I dunno... Just disengage entirely?

He doesn't want to lie to them... So he's shared the size of his penis with them right? I mean if asked, they could draw any birthmarks he has in private places? Because I mean, he wouldn't want to Lie to them. Could they answer how many women he's had sex with? Has he ever had a STD? When did he lose his virginity? To whom? Where and in what position?

So if he doesn't want to tell the kids those things, ask him why he's okay "lying" to them about any of that if simply not telling them is lying. And if he Is okay with telling them that crap, you two need to go to a therapist like yesterday because he's got a super twisted idea about what a relationship between a kid and parent should be.

Me personally, I would straight up tell him that if he thinks My private issues are fair game for conversation with his kids and thus his ex, then he will no longer be privy to my private issues. This means conversation would be restricted to pretty much the weather. I would also make sure there would be no private actions available to him to possibly be shared. I mean, I'm not in an intimate relationship with my skid, if my intimacies were going to be shared with her, I'd make sure there was nothing to be shared. Because I'm kinda bitchy when I get completely disregarded and people go behind my back, I would also not be discussing anything personal with him. I would refer him to his mini-wife.

As for the bed thing... Yea. If my husband had someone else sleeping in my bed while I was gone, his kid or not, he sure as hell wouldn't be sleeping in that bed With me when I was home. He wants to sleep with them so bad, he can go to their room.

Partly, you just need to shut this down. Tell SD to keep her hands and her lips to herself. Tell her to Get Out when she comes a knocking on the bedroom door. When she asks personal questions, tell her it's none of her concern and its actually rude of her to enquire. And if my husband accused me of being unreasonable, I'd give him a brilliant display of truly unreasonable. The first part of which would be to start walking around the house naked while informing the skids of their father's sexual prowess (or lack thereof) even if I had to make every single detail up.

Don't be afraid of being called unreasonable or any of the other bullshit that gets said to make you doubt yourself. Fear will not be your friend in this situation. Stand up for yourself and your son. I seriously suggest you guys getting some therapy to come to a better understanding about expectations and respect. Because it does not sound like he really respects you and that will be a Huge Enormous problem for your marriage in the long term.

Sweetheart, I have tons of scars. There are at least 10 on my belly. My first was a c-sect and that one goes from my belly button down, my Dr was old and that baby needed to come out fast or she would have died. Once I went to a GYN and he looked at my belly and said "Wow, you really have a road map there". At first I was humilitated, then angry at his ignorance. Then after some therapy I realized I EARNED every f'ng scar. I'm in my 50's now and no longer ashamed of what my body endured. Those scars are part of who I am. And I'll be damned if I feel like I need to apoligize for any of them.
It seems your scars are your insecurity. Therapy will help you feel better about owning your body. Every scar represents a pain, a physical pain that you not only endured, but survived. And each one made you stronger. That is something No One can ever take from you.

Now about the bed thing. I would tell your DH that the bed, your bed is the marriage bed and that is where you consumate and reaffirm your marriage. And no child should ever be sleeping there. But if he wants to sleep with his daughter, he should have married her. Oh and if he ever wants to have sex with you in that bed again, the kids need to stay out of that bed.

You must be constantly on edge knowing that you can't trust your DH to respect your wishes or your privacy - and that he has the nerve to lie to YOU, and let the skids in the bed when you're not around behind your back, then turn around and claim sainthood because he won't lie to the SKIDS about your personal and emotional health situation?

There's no point even going off on him, he's proven he'll lie to your face and do whatever he wants behind your back. Or tell you you're the nutty one for asking him to keep your private life to himself.

I'd boot the skids out of their room and move in myself. Invest in a locking door. Keep it locked whether you're in or out. Baby can sleep in his/her crib with you for a while still. If DH wants conjugal visits or a grown-up to talk to, you can explain why he's not mature enough to have earned those privileges yet.

Honestly, I don't think this will get fixed. There's just nothing he loses by being two-faced to you or telling others about your personal stuff. You're still there, to be lied to, and about whom he has information. I'm sure there's no one in his life he treats any better.

Things I liked about the above comments:

Get a lock for the bathroom if its separate from your bedroom. Get a lock for your bedroom and make it one that has a key from the 'outside'. Lock the bedroom when you're not in there and wear the key around your neck when the kids are over for a visit. Use the same keyed lock for the bathroom if its separate from your bathroom.

Tell him about the "size of penis" comments and recommendations.

I don't see why they had to know about your medical experiences but I have to ask if you told your husband beforehand to shut up? If you did he certainly should have respected your boundaries. Also remind him that people lie all the time, everyone does and does it daily. His separation from his kids has warped his thinking on what they need to know about his life away from them.

I noted that nobody commented on his kids swooning over the newborn. Or maybe I missed a comment or two. Obviously a newborn has to be protected and a preteen doesn't need to carry one around but most of the things you describe I would think were normal especially for a girl. Yes you have to be careful she doesn't treat the newborn like a doll but how abnormal is it for kids to want to know about nursing and other infant care? How can they not be curious about how babies are born? Let them participate in changing a diaper - that may cool things off a bit.

Just a few thoughts from a male point of view.

Unfortunately, your husband is having a relationship with his kids - not with you.

Our Counsellor (who has 17 yrs experience dealing with step families), told us this:

Relationships are like an onion - there is a core with many, many layers.

The inner core = holds 2 people - ONLY 2 people. These are the main players in the relationship. There is NO ROOM for more than 2! (3 is a crowd).

Each layer after that specifies boundaries. First layer are the kids, 2nd layer would be immediate family i.e. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, 3rd layer friends and 4th layer acquaintances etc.

If the core of the onion is rotten e.g. 3 trying to fit into the core or the 2 not being on the same page, then the entire onion should be thrown out.

Each layer should respect their boundaries and not try to cross over into the other.

Problems begin when people in the outer layers, try to push into the core with demands, expectations etc. If the two in the core are strong and support eachother - the whole onion will be strong.

Sounds like your husband is in the core with his kids - and you are placed in the outer layers.

When our Counsellor explained this to us - it was a real eye opener for SO. He realised that early on in our relationship, he was keeping himself and SD in the inner core, with me in an outer layer. This obvious from when he chose to spend her birthday at BM's house, with BM's friends. He pushed me out, by not including me. He also did this by telling his kids pretty much everything about me and our relationship - same thing - he kept them in the inner core with him.

Once this became clear to him - he stepped up and now focused on ensuring that ONLY HIM AND I are in the core - we have to be on the same page with anything related to skids, friends and family. It works well for us now. We discuss everythng and he keeps our life, private - between him and I only.

Maybe you should let your DH know that you should both be in the core and he needs to stop pushing you out for his kids sake. If he can't comprehend that - then he isn't ready for a relationship.