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Serious question here, ( help?)

MarriedwithChild's picture

OK, BM is supposed to pick-up ss5 at my house at 6PM, tonight.

This is the kicker, I NEVER go over to her house with hubby to pick-up ss5, never even seen inside their old home. She lives only two miles from his office, ( This has always made me feel strange)

OK, I was thinking, if the bm doesn't want me near her precious free home, why allow her to come to mine and darked the doorway?

I am thinking of taking ss5, to daddy's office for pick-up by BM instead of her coming over here.
That way, ( I am a genius), we ALL three can be on neutral ground, without me feeling so left out and violated?

Opinions, help, advice, this is a true SOS.


SmileForMe's picture

would you seriously WANT to see the inside of their old home? Bm seems to be doing you a favor by not allowing you to see it. I wouldn't make a big deal out of her coming to get the kid. Just smile, say's your child...have a great evening:) She's the one who has to deal with seeing your proud and be polite

"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*

sadstepmom26's picture

Would this cause serious problems with your hubby? Does he want his personal life on the job? I dont know how "discreetly" you can hand the kid off. If thats not really an issue then I dont see a problem with it.

Life is what you make it.

MarriedwithChild's picture

OK, as if I had already had enough, hubby just calls and tells me he went to go "get lunch" and BM was there!!!!! So, forget the other arrangement, they already had their damn talk about everything!!!

I just told him on the phone, " Well, I'm glad you two got to have lunch together.."

This is embarrasing the shit out of me! I can't live in the same little town with both of them together and a little too close for comfort?

I'm off to buy a nice bottle of Merlot, before I blow a fuse!

Something is fishy.....

MarriedwithChild's picture

Sorry, but can you visualize what I am going through here? Yes, I am beyond scorned, beyond mad....

The two of them standing in the same deli chatting away together where everyone in this small town goes?
Yet, I am all the way on the other side, almost

I think I want a divorce before it is too for wine...

SmileForMe's picture

I think I'd be livid...wait screw that I KNOW i'd be livid. I'm sorry honey...this sucks for you. Sounds like a serious talk with DH about boundaries is in order.

"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*

SmileForMe's picture

hmm..maybe I took it wrong too...the way it sounded was Dh went to lunch,BM just "happened" to be there...then they sat down and had a nice lunch together. But if they just ran into each other,talked for a minute and moved along then shouldn't be bothered by that.

"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*

MarriedwithChild's picture

No shit, can you believe that crap? He didn't want me to even have a glass of wine, he can smoke weed, pop pills, whatever...I don't think so?

He tried to tell me, " We didn't eat together." He had enough time though to find out that she is now working right behind him, and to talk about other things...( sure)

I swear something is not kosher here- I'm due for an inheritance within a year...makes me wonder.

I think they should ALL just move back in with each other- this is sick.

SmileForMe's picture

OH see I TOTALLY misunderstood...I thought they had lunch together. But all they did was talk and move on? Aww honey I think you're super sensitive right now, talking to BM bc he ran into her isn't that serious

"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*

MarriedwithChild's picture

You don't understand, she is in the picture, everyday!! One way or the other, and she knows he goes thewre for lunch...oh, nvm

SmileForMe's picture

try not to get frustrated honey...I know it's hard but if you love your husband, these are things you must deal with. I think you might benefit from taking StepAside's advice...I think she's really onto something. Take a deep breath and try not to be threatened by an overinvolved BM.

"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*

GiGi222's picture

MWC, in order for us to understand we need the whole picture. Do you mind giving us some background info? We are here to help Smile

Angel72's picture

If your are due for inheritance within the year , your new hubby shouldnt be entitled to it in any way shape or form. Inheritance is to the person by blood , not by marriage and if you are worried about that, then make him sign a paper clearly stating he has hands OFF of any inheritance. He should have no problem signing any document stating that. And vice versa, you can sign one stating u have hands off of his inheritance as well.

As for pick ups, stay out of it. If you have never involved yourself at pick ups and drop offs then ss should be picked up at hubbys office, end of story. No involvement by you. My dh picks up his kids over at bm house, i used to come over and stay inthe car but i dont step foot in her house and dont want to me. Smells awful in there.
If she is there everyday and you are suspicious he is still involved with her then you should confront your dh. Are they friends together??? If they are such good friends why oust you out?
I have a friend of mine who's divorced, friends with ex and in fact they all go out together. Ex's and new spouses with all kids. They honestly all get along.

MarriedwithChild's picture

OK, I'll try not to make this a novel. I am a very young widow with 1 bs18, my late hubby passed away two years ago. My son, is doing awesome!

I "ran" into an old friend about a year ago, and sparks flew. ( I did not date him until his divorce was final.)

I knew he had a young son, and that he would have him, 3 out of 7 days, a

The shit hit the fan after we decided to marry, ( although I was on my own again at 35, and had money, and did not care to marry again.) So, the bm starts calling, and calling, hubby's work, email, cell, showing up at his office, anything to be a royal pain in the arse. She took him to court for contempt of C/S, even though we had to pay her electric bills, etc...and she lost..So, they decide to do the 50/50 thing, (a nightmare) and it was thought that would limit interactions. wrong. EVERYDAY- She is in the picture somehow, now she is even "showing" up where he eats at lunch, and got some low wage job, right behind him..

She defaulted on the car awarded to her, ( in his name) 17K, and actually was able to get another car given to her! Late on house payments, all ruining credit...It's like he has zero balls towards her and by the day, makes me want to puke.

Hubby pays 500.00 a mth on his new red mustang, I get the POS. I want to move back to a better area that I came from, but how can we with all of his debts, c/s, car? etc...His mom gave me the ring that his dead grandmother wore, and she killed herself?!

I am never a part of anything, just the nanny/ maid here. The ss5 is now starting to hit/ hurt me to boot and nobody really does anything.

I don't care if they talk about the kid, but, be for real, everyday contact about something? -not

I am not allowed to go to bm free house to even pick-up ss? I feel soooo strange. The bm only directs anything to hubby, I must be invisible here...

I thought he had balls when I married him. Point being, everyday there is some type of contact/ interception/ you name it, from BM. and zero done about it still.

melis070179's picture

I think you really need to speak to your hubby and set up some boundaries that you are both comfortable with. I would hate everyday contact too. Have you tried talking to him about what is appropriate/inappropriate contact? Oh, and it sounds like he needs to find a new place to eat lunch!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

GiGi222's picture

MWC, I feel for you. Is there a custody order in place? Is BM crazy and DH is worried that she will withold visitation/raise CS? I know many men will do what BM wants just because they want no problems with her. Who is the one initiating most of the calls?
I know you already know this, but the responsibility lies with your DH. It is his responsibility to make sure that BM doesn't cross boundaries and he has a good relationship with his son. And why is his son allowed to harm you and noone does anything about it? Surely a 5 year old knows that hitting is wrong. UGH.
How long have they been divorced? Perhaps there is still an emotional attachment? DH feels guilty that he has moved on and BM hasn't (though it isn't his problem?)? How does hubby feel about her always "showing up?"
It sounds like she has a tough time accepting that he has moved on. A word of advice though: if you show it bothers you she will continue. That's what she wants, to cause a rift between the both of you. Do you trust your DH?

Orange County Ca's picture

Just do it. Its possible she's making tenative steps to open up a relationship. If not no harm is done. Bring the kid to the front door fully ready to go. Don't be fussing over him in front of her. Be polite and out the door he goes. If she seems to want to talk let her and play it by ear.

You have a lot to gain by having a cordial relationship with her and you have nothing to lose by letting this happen.


It may be that 50 years from now the only important thing you did in this life is to be important in the life of a kid.

MarriedwithChild's picture

Actually, he just "called" me here ergo, while his son was hitting the dog, ergo;

I am starting to not trust him-at all. I honestly think he should just move back in the house, and play, "one big happy family"

Although, he is not going to get his addiction of sex everynight from that cow. ( He comes home, gets stoned, and wants to screw, then sleep?)

I get all of these invites to concerts, poetry readings, jam sessions, etc...He "never" feels like going.

BM is the one "showing her arse", contact wise. He is just a total pussy when it comes to her.

Like I said, she does not even look at me, much less talk with me. Fine. I'll have to sit here and get hit by the kid. ( I paid all bills this month for him.) yep...

LONGTIME SM's picture

From your description here unless it is ever better at times, you really should consider telling him and all of his baggage to leave. You deserve so much better than this! It sounds like he is very selfish and possibly drug addicted! You end up doing everything that he wants to do and nothing that you want to do! Can you really see yourself doing this for the next 10 years???????

GiGi222's picture

What's up with the drug use? Are you okay with that? Its obivous you aren't happy. What do you want to do?

MarriedwithChild's picture

OK, well his drug use is this: Pot and SRI's..or benzo's...

He likes to come home, eat, get stoned, and screw. I, on the other hand, want to go out to listen to music, poetry, hang w/ friends.

He "claims" HE doesn't feel well? LOL. What about me? His ex is a hound, kid is starting to hit me and the dog. blah blah blah...I'm going out tonight w/ my gf's.

StepChicka's picture

Whether DH and BM ran into each other and had a converasation standing in line or sitting downat a table, he chose to divorce her and is married to you. Invite her over to your house to pick up the kids and be naturally accomodating. Teach BM by example. It probably won't happen tonight because your upset but in the future.

Jumping to the topic of inheritance, it IS considered community property once its deposited into a community account or purchased asset. When get your inheritance make sure it's deposited or invested with an account with your name only. Don't go off and buy a house, car, boat, pedigree horses, anything of value. They will be considered fair ground for DH if you split. If you're going to spend it do so on your education, your clothes, spa treatments, gals night, etc...or get a postnup.

Don't let DH be a daddy to you. Enjoy your date with a wine named Merlot if you want Smile

Purpleflower09's picture

I'd love the BM to see the inside of my home..then maybe she would learn and know how to clean a home and how one should be kept and why type of enviroment a child should live in. Not some shoe box filled with crap thrown all over the place. Maybe she is embarassed for anyone to see her home..maybe she is a slob.


buttercup123's picture

I honestly don't think you need to feel threatened. I know it's easier said than done BUT you are with him now. He will always have to deal with her and she will always have some influence. Do NOT go into her house or let her in yours. She can stand in your doorway but that is it. If you went into her house I think it would open more insecurities. Don't let her have any more of your life than necessary.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

All I can say to you is this: there is a lot that your husband isnt telling you

Probably playing both sides while living it up. You baby sit and take care of the child on his time and she takes care of hers and probably does some extra "favors" on hers....

He is the biggest player in there....

Marianne's picture

There are some serious red flags in your home. Please don't let yourself become trapped financially. Please don't lose yourself to the lifestyle at home that your partner lives. Not much sounds healthy-financially, ex and hubby playing around together. You deserve so much more. You are rebuilding your life after a major loss. I have a single friend who would love to have a relationship, but only if she is treated " like his beloved." This man is not doing his part and is selfishly letting you worry and stew

I hope that you come through this with some peace of mind.