Seeking Help! Would you report your own brother over this?
I'm a step mom but this is not about me but my brother's situation. I'm very concerned over my brothers behavior with my 11 yr old nephew who he shares joint custody of with his exwife.
Both my brother and his ex hate each other and constantly dragging each other back and forth to family court for the last 7 or 8 years. This has taken a toll on my brother financially and emotionally. He has VERY little contact with his ex. There is NO co-parenting. My nephew knows both his parents hate each other but this is not the real problem.
My nephew has multiple mental health issues that he is under the care of a psychiatrist for which he takes medication to control. My brother is in denial about this and just thinks his ex wants him drugged up so she can go out and party with her friends. I don't think this. Since the psychiatrist and his ex refuse to cut the meds my brother has taken things into his own hands.
He has started to tell My nephew his mom just wants to drug him up and that there is nothing wrong with him. My nephew who LOVES his dad deeply and wants to please him has stopped taking his meds at his fathers house as he knows his dad does not want him to take them. My brother who got into trouble at court over not giving meds is now careful. He will put the meds out for my nephew then purposely walk away so My nephew can throw the pills in the trash. I've seen this happen. Why? So if anyone asks he can say yes he gives him the medicine.
My brother also will make jokes to My nephew about his mom. My nephew will laugh and join in BUT as a mom myself I don't think its appropriate for a father to make fun of a childs mother to him even if it does not seem to bother him. Again I have to wonder if deep down it bother him BUT wants to please his dad so he laughs/joins in?
My nephew has also been lying to my brother saying he stopped taking his meds at his mothers house. Again he knows this is what his father wants to hear. How do I know hes lying? My son will go over to play(live in same neighborhood as BM) and will physically see My nephew take his meds at BM's.
Yes concerned he's not taking his meds like he should but its only every other weekend. I'm more concerned about the emotional damage this is doing to a child thats already not stable. To feel he has to lie about taking medication and other things because thats what daddy wants to hear breaks my heart.
My question is would you get involved or stay out of it? My husband just thinks I should stay out of it and thinks nothing will really come of it. Thoughts of what could happen if I don't say anything an just wait and watch?
Wow, this is all parental
Wow, this is all parental alienation. No wonder nephew is having mental health issues.
I wouldn't report it to CPS or anything, they aren't likely to take it - but I would certainly give my brother my opinion about what he's doing to his son.
This is tough.. I know that
This is tough.. I know that at the root of it, you can see that your brother loves his son.... but his animosity for the boy's mother causes him to make decisions that aren't great for his son.
IF you have the kind of relationship that you can be frank with him.. I would do so. You know it's in the best interest of his son.. and if you think there is a chance that you talking to him about this will modify his behavior and you truly feel that he is potentially damaging his son due to the meds situation.. you may feel strongly he needs to hear this.
The message is that "I know you love your son.. but you are letting your hatred for your ex cloud your judgement. Encouraging your son to not take his meds can have negative effects on your son's health. Many medications can adversely affect a person when they are not taken as prescribed.. quit cold turkey etc... If you are truly concerned about the medicine that has been prescribed by the doctor, you need to take your son for a second opinion and/or talk directly to the physician. I doubt that your EX has all on her own concocted this treatment plan.. and you could be causing your son real harm.
and.... yes.. I know your EX has done some horrible things to you and wasn't the best wife. BUT, she is still your son's mother and talking negatively about her to him is putting him in a terrible position. It's unfair to saddle him with your bitterness and resentment.. as justified as it may be on your behalf. You are putting him in a loyalty bind where he becomes obligated to lie to both of you...and that is really unfair. You need to stop taking your anger at your EX out on your son. I know that's not what you mean to do.. but that is what is happening due to your actions.
I am not going to interfere and go runnign to your EX to give her ammunition. But, I know you are a better person than you are behaving like right now and I want you to understand how hurtful this could be to your son.
I would really suggest family counseling for brother
I would tell him it could help
Family counseling between my brother and his son OR
ALL three him ,son and exwife?
Ideally, a counselor
who would meet sepertely with all 3, but if not dad and son
Talk to your bro
About your feelings. My stepkids mom does this. She is in complete denial over her mental issues and sometimes for these parents it is a coping method they use...to deny so they cant accept how bad it actually is. She has refused to give her meds countless times thiugh the doc recommends it and prescribes it and is oppositional all the time. Sadly theres not much that can be done. She also fights with SO on everything re: stepkids care.
My SS has mental health
My SS has mental health issues. Medications are very important and him not taking them with his dad will throw his body off and can start leading to bigger issues if it continues especially the older he gets. BM1 used to do the same thing. Try and convince SS19 that he didn't need them, that he can't FEEL THE WORLD when he takes them. Thankfully she has stopped and SS knows how important they are.
I would tell BM. Send her a anonymous letter and just tell her. She can get blood tests done right after a visit to check his levels of some meds. She can talk to her lawyer. If it continues and your brother keeps hurting his son (he is by doing this) you may have to personally get involved. I would start anonymously though.
The facts of the matter...
...are that your nephew was prescribed this medication by a mental health profession. I am assuming your brother has not been to medical school, correct? He should not be altering the frequency of the medication in anyway.
If it were me, I would email both parents, and let them know what you have observed. I would do this in the best interests of nephew.
I say stay out of it.
I say stay out of it. Depending on the state your nephew is right around the age that he will be able to talk to his doctor alone without his parents present. My daughter was able to see her doctor alone at the age of 12 in the state we were living in. It's pretty sad that BM and your brother are on polar opposite ends of the spectrum in dealing with this issue but it's their issue, not yours. They're the parents and they get to decide whether to royally screw their child up or not, and it sounds like they've decided on the former.
Is not forcing your child to take medications neglect? I don't know what a judge would say. If an 11 yr old really doesn't want to take them it would be pretty messy trying to make him do it. I personally have always been of the opinion of let's try the myriad of other options with pharmaceuticals being the last resort.
Yes It's crappy for your brother to make jokes about your nephews mom and have him join in. Borderline mentally abusive for sure and definitely against the CO which likely has the language about not disparaging the other parent to the child. Though this would be hard to prove with your nephew and brother likely denying those claims and your account may be dismissed as hearsay.
If you involve yourself in your brothers drama it could get really nasty, everyone could turn on you, and you may be called into future family court hearings. Do you really want that? In the future excuse yourself during nephews medication time and turn the conversation to something else if he starts disparaging his exwife. I would pull brother aside and gently remind him that nephew is 50% of his mother so when you are making fun of mom you're making fun of him, and leave it at that.
Again, unless you see actual physical/mental abuse it would be in your best interest to leave it alone.
This was my OSS
He is/was on meds that DH did not agree with. There were times when DH was advising him not to take them. I admit I agreed that they were not necessary (ended up with a second opinion that it was not needed, but the PCP and BM still were insistent on him needing them). However, I didn't tell OSS to his face to stop taking them nor did I disparage BM. I didn't tell anyone in authority about DH doing this, but I did talk to him about how he was handling it.
When I say "is/was on meds", I stopped paying attention and when I went to clean out the bathroom after OSS and DS left for college there were a mess of bottles of OSSs in there but I don't know if they were there because he stopped taking them or he just wasn't at the house much and had a separate stash at BMs. I tossed it all. He's not around to take them and given that BM divided meds up and sometimes gave DH bottles with old labels, I have no idea if they would still work. So, gone. I will be extremely surprised if anyone notices.
Are we talking ADHD/add OR
Are we talking ADHD/add OR schizophrenia? What is his diagnosis and when was he diagnosed. Did bm handle all this without your brothers input about docs?
My question to you op is why are you questioning your brother. Is he that inept?
More info needed. Such as is BM working? IS nephew receiving ssdi?
He’s on meds for ADHD and a mood Disorder
He Was diagnosed about five years ago. BM was sneaky and did go behind my brother’s back about a lot of this and had private conversations with the Psychiatrist that my brother did not know about till later. BM Most certainly did push for a Mental health diagnosis for my nephew. BUT regardless My nephew most certainly has problems that BM did not totally make up.
Im Questioning my brother because He is rewarding and encouraging my nephew to not take his medicine on his parenting time. Also He is making fun of BM to my Nephew and as a mom I think it’s very inappropriate.
BM is working and my Nephew does not receive any kind of benefits that I’m aware of Except in school he has a IEP program in place
Your brother is not doing
Your brother is not doing your nephew any favors. I would clue the Psychologist into the inconsistent med dosing. Psychologists I believe are mandatory reporters and your nephew's therapist will likely have to address the situation with the authorities.
Make the call anonymously.
And here in lies the issue in
And here in lies the issue in broken families. BioParents who don't agree on how their children are to be raised, cared for, etc.... Throw in the frustration of the NCP not having an equity say in the care of the children medically, etc... and the perfect storm for screwing up the kids is present.
While I firmly believe that far too many children are labeled with the bullshit syndrome of the month propegated by supposed "professionals" who have to make up bullshit syndromes to justify their job (since they can't get a real job), and that most of these "syndromes" are just excuses for shitty kid behavior created by shittier parenting I do believe that consistency is important when addressing kid behaviors.
So though it pains me, I have to lean in the direction of BM on this one. Daddy needs to be drawn up by the short and curlies and should get on board with this kids meds. He is not the CP, the CP gets the call. Sadly.