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Seeking advice. Would this be considered borderline abuse

Heathergreener12's picture

DH has full Legal custody and BM has visitation with SD13. SD13 has Depression along with ADHD so you need to follow up with things more than to would a kid without those things

When SD goes over to BM's house she spends most of her time playing video games. I mean like 12 plus hours straight. SD13 NEVER goes to bed before midnight at BMs more like 2 or 3 in the am. All playing video games.   More than once SD13 has stayed up ALL night playing video games. SD will go a whole week without stepping foot outside or go days without brushing teeth at BM's. Shower and changing clothes? Nope. SD will come home days later wearing what she left our house wearing. 

SD13 takes daily Medication to help with her moods. Yes she's 13 and old enough to remember but if SD forgets BM won't remind her. 

BM hates to cook. For the most part SD lives on pizza and hot pockets at BMs. 

DH and I have no problem getting SD to shower, brush her teeth, go to bed at a normal time but BM can't. 

BM does not beat SD but I think this falls on Borderline neglect. Thoughts?

Iamwoman's picture

Well. This sounds exactly like how the Maggot "parents" OSS15 and YSS11.

Yes, it is neglectful.

OKtoStep's picture

How do you know this is going on at BM's? 

I would tread carefully with going to CPS or court over this. Different parenting styles do not constitute abuse. My STBex is quite like your BM. SD comes home to me after his week with her hair completely unbrushed, nails caked with dirt, torn and dirty clothes, exhausted (teachers note all of this too). But he keeps her from setting herself on fire and provides calories. So.. it's all good. All you can do is keep setting the right examples and structure on your time. Otherwise, it looks like you are trying to interfere in BM's parenting. It sucks, it really does. I'm sorry.:( 

tog redux's picture

The only thing in there that CPS would be interested in is BM not making sure SD takes her psychiatric meds. Especially if it strongly affects her behavior/mood and her doctor/therapist reported it.

The other stuff is just loosey-goosey crap parenting, but not reportable. Will it ruin her chances at functional adulthood? Probably. But that's long-term.

Dogmom1321's picture

Yep, I agree with the two posts above. Also, as long as the BM is in "good faith" mom's don't get reprimanded for poor hygeine, sleeping, and eating habits. All CPS will check for is food in the fridge, electricity, running water, and a roof. Save the headache of reporting to CPS.

BethAnne's picture

I would consider it lazy/poor and somewhat neglectful parenting. I don't think that it is abusive and I don't think any relevant authorities would consider it such either. You could talk to her pshychiatrist about it if you are concerned. But in my opinion without the reinforcement and structure provided by an involved parent taking the meds or not is unlikely to improve things. 

Rags's picture

While I am usually one of the first to suggest taking a consequences based strategy with a toxic blended family opposition... in the case you outline the odds of any success going after BM for neglect of SD with CPS are about slim and none.

She is fed, housed, clothed and "cared for" during her visitation with BM.  She is not locked out of the house, hungry, etc, etc, etc.....  Don't waste your time.  The best you can do with his level of crap from BM is counter it while SD is full time in your home.

We had two experiences in engaging CPS for child neglect. The first was with my SIL.  She was living in a rat hole, no food, pest infested, dirty, nasty place alone while my ILs were pursuing my FIL's dream a 6 hour drive away on the other side of the state.  SIL was 15 at the time and my DW called CPS to report her own parents for the neglect of her sister.  CPS responded with "She is old enough to clean the place herself and to get a job to feed herself."     


Next was when SS was a toddler, was thrown out of the second floor window of the SpermIdiot's house into a rose bush below by the SpermIdiot's 2nd womb donor's prior relationship 6yo violent evil spawn and came home with rose bush lacerations and bite mark scabs in the middle of his back from that same POS kid.  Nope, nothing from CPS other than a warning not to harass the SpermClan while SS was on visitation with them.

So, we had to bring hell down on them financially, socially and legally though not through CPS.  Which we did to great success and immense pain for the SpermClan.

Good luck.

If the kid's life is not in danger, you will in all likelihood get nothing out of CPS or the courts. 

Heathergreener12's picture

BM had joint Legal custody with DH till about three years ago when she lost it. Why? Mainly because BM Refused to follow recommendations of professionals(Doctors mainly) regarding medication for SD. So this being said the fact BM "Conveniently" forgets to remind SD to take her meds still I'm thinking family court maybe interested in this. 

How do we know all this? SD will come home with her medication bottle still full of pills. BM will openly tell DH when he calls for SD at 2 or 3 in the afternoon that she's still sleeping because SD pulled a all nighter playing video games. SD will come home at 7pm at night from BM's starving for food saying all she had to eat was cheese and crackers all day. 

Rags's picture

Critical meds are one area where even the morons usually found in family law court will make a decent decision and where they will make a clear statement regarding custody for dads over moms if mom fails to ensure meds are taken per the Rx and dad makes it happen.

With BM's history of jeopardizing SD's health by being an evil idiot and not ensuring that SD gets her meds as Rxd the courts will find her other crap far more interesting than they would otherwise.

I am sorry your SD is cursed with the toxic BM who actively jeopardises her health.