Seeking advice on ways to disengage toxic situation
I love DH but hate the situation he is in and it's Affecting my mental health. I need to Disengage and separate myself from being so involved but I don't know how. The situation is his bratty spoiled rude 15 yr old son and in your face over the top NASTY ex wife. I feel like I Have to be the "gatekeeper" keeping BM from controlling our house and DH free time/money.
DH suffers from BAD daddy guilt as both BM and SS15 are great Manipulators. BM has convinced everyone from family court to every therapist she's the poor single mom and DH is this low life Sperm donor. Me trying to get DH to say no or stand his ground Against my BM and SS just causes both DH and I stress. I don't want to lose my husband over this or my mental health. I need to just let whatever happens between BM, SS and DH happen to protect my Sanity. Anyone who has disengaged from the bio drama please offer advice as I'm at my wits end.
Disengagement
I'm 77 with 50+ years of step-parenting behind me. Back in the day, I didnt know the word disengagement, but looking back, I did it several times. YSS was my DH's fave and altho DH didn't interfere with my relations with his other 2, he let YSS get away with everything and negated my efforts. So, I stopped my efforts. YSS was about 15. I stopped going to the school about YSS's disciplinary matters, I stopped driving him around, I just stopped. I wasn't nasty to him and he was free to eat whatever but I didn't give him money, shop for him, clean for him or do anything other than co-exist here with him, DH and the 4 other kids. YSS wasnt an evil person, just over-indulged and not held to account. It was actually a relief to me and looking back, it seemed like a relief to DH and YSS. When DH hsd to go to school about behavior problems, he really hated that but guess what? Those behaviors stopped immediately.
My SD60 has always been a problem with her manipulative mini-wife ways. She moved in and out of here many times over the years. This last time, she had been thru her second divorce, kept getting evicted from apartments for non-payment and was on drugs. We let her move in and it was a lying, thieving drug nightmare. My health began to suffer. We decided to subsidize her disability income so she could live elsewhere. DH had been "helping" her since the divorce with car payments, utility bills, etc. She hsd taken advantage of his charge card -makeup, fast food deliveries, cash advances, etc. So, at the time we made the decision to move her out, I separated our finances, and her expenses come from his $, no family funds go to her. I told them both this, told her I was done. This isnt the ideal situation, in a perfect world, she would be supporting herself, but its workable. I've also disengaged from her medical issues, drama -all of it. I dont ask DH about her and when he occasionally talks about her, my reply is " Hmmm". I also grayrock her.
I don't have much advice. I assume your DH has an official agreement that spells out his responsibilities but he chooses to go over and above due to guilt. My DH84 still feels this guilt so all I could do was limit how much it affected me.
Good luck, it's a journey.
Thank you for your input it makes me feel better I’m not alone
One of the problem is BM never remarried. She does not even date. Now it's not because of some long held love for DH. Honestly both DH and BM hate the very sight of each other. BM does not date because she is so involved in SS15 life there is no time for her to date. If BM was remarried I think she would have less time trying to micromanage SS and what DH is doing with SS on his parenting time. Oh well I need to just step back as I don't have as much free time as BM has to continue this fight
Opposite problem
We had an opposite situation. BM was so wound up with her BF, later husband, that she kind of dropped the kids. They began moving in, one after another, over a 9- month period. I can't remember one weekend where she took all 3 of them once they lived here full time. She would speak to them on the phone but that was about it. Of course, she complained to DH that everything we were doing was wrong and stirred up trouble whenever possible I kind of felt sorry for the SKs but my ex wasn't any better.
Do you have separate accounts
Do you have separate accounts and an account for household funds? If not, get them and separate money so DH can’t spend over what he makes to cater to SS and BM.
Does DH expect you to parent and do the heavy lifting while he sits on his a$$? Does he allows BM to change the visitation schedule constantly and doesn’t consult you? Does your DH allow SS to be rude and disrespectful to you? If the answer is yes then disengagement can help, but really you have a DH problem.
When it comes to BM is your DH allowing her to have a say in his current household and therefore a say over matters in your marriage? If the answer is yes then again you have a DH problem and need to either get him to embrace boundaries and making you and his marriage a priority, or leave.
Yes to Separate accounts for sure and I know I have a DH problem
I would NEVER combine my money. Since BM has no life outside of SS she spends every dime on that spoiled brat and expects the same from DH.
As far as DH expecting me to babysit/heavy lifting that's not really a problem. Quite honestly I think DH would prefer me to stay out of helping with SS since we can't agree with how DH handles SS or BM. Plus BM micromanages SS's every move including when SS is at our house so DH has BM to fall back on. Which I hate. I feel like a third wheel.
Yes DH changes the Parenting schedule for BM without asking and yes SS is rude to me
You for sure can't change BM
You for sure can't change BM or SS. You might have some influence over DH, but maybe not. So all you can do is take care of yourself.
If DH cancels plans with you to chase after SS or BM, fine. YOU STILL KEEP THE PLANS. Go with a girlfriend or by yourself. If DH agrees to run SS around and expects you to do it or go with him, nope, sorry, you're busy. Then go BE busy, even if busy means reading a magazine at a coffee shop. If SS doesn't clean up after himself at your house, that's DH's problem and you need to tell him so. BM's issues and SS's issues are not YOUR issues.
Make your own plans, Engage in your own hobbies. See friends and family. Take weekend trips to places of interest. Live your own best life. If DH joins you in any of it, great, but you need to demonstrate that your life does not revolve around him, SS, and BM.
You don't need to make a big announcement about it to DH. It's better if you don't. Just stop being the gatekeeper. If you start graduatlly, they won't even notice, for a while.
My DH and I married when his kids were adults. But he was still the guilty Disney dad for his kidults. It was always terrible around the holidays when he "missed his babies" and wouldn't do holiday things with me. I spent a few years being miserable with him, and then had enough of it. So I bought tickets to holiday performances and made plans to attend various events, and then did so even when he didn't go with me, which was 100% that first year. He said he missed me and wanted ME to stay home and wallow in his self-pity with him. That was a big fat no.
Don't lose yourself to these people. I hope your DH sees you enjoying life on your own terms and decides that he wants to live that life too, instead of catering to his ex.
Wow just wow thank you
Quite honestly I don't think DH would notice or even care if I stopped being the gatekeeper. Honestly I think he would like it. If I'm not being the gatekeeper then BM and SS will have free rein to dictate what goes on in our house. DH always tells me he feels like he's caught in the middle between BM and I. I want to scream I'm your wife you should not be in the middle you should support me your wife. If I let go of the "gatekeeper" Position I fear the floodgates will come pouring in. BUT regardless I need to take care of myself and my needs. DH rarely if ever needs/wants help with SS as BM is always a willing backup
You should!
Absolutely tell him you are the wife! WTF. Seriously? He can't decide who is more important. Perhaps he shouldn't have gotten divorces, because he damn sure isn't ready to be in a different relationship - he simply wants to add you to theirs. That would be a big EFF NO from me.
You are right--BM should have
You are right--BM should have zero say about what happens in your house. Can you give an example of what you mean by gatekeeping?