Seeing The Ex-Wife For The First Time
I am currently in a relationship with a man who I've been dating for just under a year. He was three children with his ex-wife, whom he has been divorced from for just over 5 years now because of infidelity issues on her part. He has had full custody of his children since the divorce, they are now 12, 8 & 5. He lives in Louisiana and I live in Arizona. We met while he was working on a project for his company and it's been just a completely amazing relationship ever since. We've had a long distance relationship the entire time and so I have yet to meet the ex. He's tried to keep us apart as long as possible because he says each time in his past when he's tried to date, his ex-wife would seek out the woman he was interested in and "talk" to her. He said any type of relationship he had started ended after that so he's bitter about his ex knowing whom he is dating. However, she just recently found out he's trying to transfer to the division in AZ. She knew he was dating someone and went through his phone to find out my name and where I lived (he had given his Palm to his son in case of an emergency and she went through it without permission of course). So of course saying she's bitter now that she knows I live in
AZ is an understatement. I'm going to meet her in this weekend, as one of the children has a very important football game. I need some advice on how to handle his ex. I do not want to be rude to her, as she is the boy's mother and I would never disrespect her. But he's warned me to prepare for the worst. From what he's told me about her, she's controlling and very verbal about disliking me, even though she's never met me. I assumed I would be a threat to her. His children know I'm not trying to take their mom's place, however I don't think she feels that way. I am uneasy about how I should prepare for this meeting. Any advice from anyone who has been through this? I would sincerely appreciate any help at all. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and for responding if you can.
I am an ex....
Hi Jenn,
I am not a "step" parent, nor do I have any future plans to be one. However, I am here to learn all I can about the feelings of the "other" mom in my son's life. This website has given me a look into what she must go through, being a "second" mom, "second" wife, etc. It's not easy and I commend anyone here who has put forth the extreme effort it takes! It isn't bad enough that you have to (or try to) love someone else's child, but to have to deal with their ex is absolute hell. Of course I was the model exwife to my exhusbands new wife...not! But I am truly sorry today for the insecurities and fears she has faced and continues to face, loving this man and his child(ren).
From the ex perspective, I can tell you that my exhusband brought a few girls around my son before becoming engaged and eventually married to that special someone he finally found!
Out of those women, my true respect was granted to those who held their head high, smiled and greeted me as though I were human instead of "the ex", and spoke to and with me. WARNING: I am not advising you to become her friend, that kind of relationship will surely backfire on you IF she is truly crazy and jealous. But if you are always pleasant, and you show interest in "their" children, she cannot find fault with you at all. And THAT may just drive her over the edge.
If she DOES cause any kind of scene, remain pleasant and stick by your boyfriend. Lord knows I "went off" a few times, only to realize that I was only the only a$$hole in the picture! Ouch!
Good luck. And please remember also that this woman considers you a threat. Not because of "him" but because you may end up being another guiding factor in her kids' lives. And as a biomom, I can tell you that it's not so easy for us to accept that. We did not have these children to raise them in broken homes. And as unfortunate as it is, we are very insecure moms at times!!
Hugs,
Janice
Thank You For Your Suggestions & Advice
I want to thank Janice, StressedSM, lovin-life, and guinessgirl13 for your thoughts and advice. I agree with you, I don't want to be her best friend, I don't expect to go on vaction with her, I just want to get along with her. I know it will not be instant but I was hoping if I go in with good attitude, a nice smile and cordial words that she may come away with a respect for me.
I've been extremely nervous in this relationship, as it's my first with a man who has children. I also feel privileged because I am the first woman in the five years since my BF's divorce who has met his children. He said he didn't want them to go through the loss which children feel when a relationship is over so he promised himself he'd only introduce someone he was serious about. He said the divorce was particularly unpleasant, so he didn't want his children to go through a painful loss again. When he explained that to me, which was almost right off the bat, I didn't figure on ever meeting his children but as our relationship developed/grew he told me he wanted me to meet his children. So you can imagine how honored I feel. I'm sad (well not too sad because lucky for me) that he had to endure the hardships of dating in a small town, which is why his ex always found out who he was seeing.
He told me it's driving her nuts because she doesn't know me or where I'm from. I can see the point of her wanting this information because she only wants to protect her children. She doesn't know that I come from a very large family of 10 kids, whose parents have been married for 40 years. So I grew up in a very loving, accepting home. Family means so much to me. I had several Aunts & Uncles who divorced and their ex's still come over to my Grandmother's home during the holidays. They are still part of the family, even though they are not "technically" related. My Grandmother's kindness and acceptance made my Aunts & Uncles feel welcomed, no matter what. That's the type of understanding I have in this type of situation so it's hard for me to realize that not everyone had great examples of that growing up. I am truly blessed. So keeping my Grandmother's attitude with me has been very helpful so far and I hope that it will only lead to his ex understanding I don't want to take her place, far from it. I just want to be like the extra pair of eyes, you know in case of emergency.
My BF and I have been talking about the "M" word over the past month and he's ready for us to make the commitment. I know this will come as a shock to his ex but it's been 5 years for him so I figure he's ready. He's really accepting and understanding that I cannot have children of my own. It actually made things great when we met because he said he didn't want any more children. So the possibility of being a step-parent is becoming more real by the minute. I know I will never have the same type of relationship as the kids will with their biomom, I never expect too. I want is to be their friend. That's all I could ever ask for.
I will go in with a smile and treat her just like I would if I were meeting another member of his family. After all she is and always will be. I'm actually excited, but it's difficult to know exactly how to prepare as my BF of course will only give me his "tainted" version of how her attitude will be. I'm flying out in the morning so I'll have to let you all know how it goes next week. Thanks again for your wonderful advice and thoughts. It is extremely helpful.
Hugs to all,
Jenn
I Agree
I very much agree with Janice. I am a Step Mom and an Ex-Wife/Bio Mom. The best thing to do is be polite and gracious just as you would be meeting anyone else for the first time. Don't fall into any arguments, or catty discussions. Take the high road the most that you can. If there are any issues with her, talk to you BF afterwards to see how you can change that situation the next time.
Too Soon
I think its too soon to start going to the childrens functions, imo.
Your BF is shooting himself willingly in the foot each time he has his girlfriends meet the ex. I don't understand this, and you've stated you only have dated less then a year. If I were your boyfriend I certainly wouldn't have given a plam to the child. Of course she was going to go through that, what was he thinking. He needs to be a little wiser and if you guys get serious then thats great. Also if she's that bad why would you guys even sit near her at this event let alone meet her??
I almost get the feeling he needs the ex's approval. But to me sounds like he needs to distance himself from her, and move on. Hopefully, you can get along with his children and that should be BF's focus right now. JMO
Janice & StressedSM have good advice...Jenn
My x's GF has always been very polite and gracious towards me...which I very much appreciate. It helps put me at ease and to see her as the warm, likable person she really is...becasue of that.....I feel comfortable with her spending time with my kids....I have no issues with it what-so-ever!!
And even with hubby's horrible, nasty X.....dispite many, many, many incedents/exchanges with her (...from her). I chose to never engage her or retalliate in an exchange of words, I simply turned my head, positioned her out of my view and completely ignored her.
Most show offs or bullies are nothing without thier audience. I never stooped to her level by acknowledging or participating in her rants or displays. Her antics and comments usually ended up with her looking like a complete fool.
So...I definately agree with Janice & StressedSM. Be civil & cordial if you can and if X is really difficult..don't participate in the games..withdraw from any harnish/words/antics/etc with as much grace and eloquence as you possibly can.
If she's bend on making trouble..She'll hate not being able to rattle you....and will eventually see that she is only making an ass of herself, while making you look like a saint!!
By the way...
Your bf asking you to come to the game is an honor, not a trap! Choose to live in the positives of this relationship. PLEASE do not think that he is looking for her approval!!! Why would he consider moving half way across the country if he cared what she thought??
He wants you to meet his children. He seems to be sorry she is going to be there....
Enjoy your trip, and have a good time.
And remember, keep that head HIGH!!
(((((Jenn))))
Hugs,
Janice
be nice to an extent on how
be nice to an extent on how she acts to you. if she is rude and disrespectful then tell her off and leave the scene. don't take her crap, like you said she doesn't even know you. if she starts mouthing off to you, then call the police and tell them that she is harrassing you and file a police report. she'll think twice before doing that to you again. be strong and stand your ground. if she is overly nice, be careful and don't tell her too much things, she's just out to get info from you. i wouldn't even say hi unless she says hi first and that's it, stay away from her. looking forward to your next blog as to what happened.
-happy mom