Secrets!
So my dh tells me my son called him and I went to dh's phone to see when he called, when i opened up his phone text messages were up and of course there is one from ex wife "my account number is &^%^$(%...thanks for talking to me last night...have a great day! his response "ok thanks..no problem at all..you have a great day to!!! WTF?? who has that kind of conversation with an ex? so i ask him, what is she talking about, what did you guys talk about last night that you didn't tell me about...he played dumb...idk, idk if I called her or not, i dont remember what we talked about. I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!! He's hiding something and I know it, he now wears his phone on his hip until he literally crawls into bed, even if he has his pajama pants on. Oh and guess what ex wife is now no longer engaged.
Oh you have every right to be
Oh you have every right to be concerned. If he's not allowing you access to his phone and pretending he doesn't know whether or not he actually TALKED with her...he's definitely hiding something.
That sucks for you. I'm sorry. I'd tell him if he doesn't come clean and confess, I'm walking. I won't tolerate a liar.
Some exes can be friends, I
Some exes can be friends, I guess, but he needs to be honest about it. Personally, I am glad my husband's ex-wife makes him :sick: .
right just be honest, i'm
right just be honest, i'm honest with him and i hold nothing back. i can't live in lies and this scares me very much...how can he keep something from me?
How can you NOT remember
How can you NOT remember talking to your EX?? I mean, it's not like it was 2 months ago or anything!
right it was less than 24 hrs
right it was less than 24 hrs later. I always tell him when and what i talk to my ex about especially if its about the kids so shouldn't i know if they are talking about my step kids? something else is going on and i cant figure it out yet
Yea the lying gets to me so
Yea the lying gets to me so badly, my first husband was a compulsive liar. My dh said finally it was about two of his kids but why would his ex say that, first of all she had to of been asking for money cause she gave her freaking account number, and ill be damned if we are going to give her money directly and not thru child support...what the hell, i feel like he is supporting her more than me and our family. Now that this has happened I'm suspicious of everything and I hate that!
Well, he's obviously sending
Well, he's obviously sending her money if she's giving him her account number.
Id be livid if Dh would lie to my face like that. That would probably be the end of my marraige.
yea this really has me not
yea this really has me not sleeping, i know he's not taking it from our checking account, so where is he getting the money and what the hell is he giving it to her for...we pay 1050 a month plus another 600 a year for clothes! I feel so betrayed and lost and confused and scared!
it was her checking account
it was her checking account number cause she named the bank! seriously we pay 1050 a month, what the hell yes could she ask for? and why the hell would he even want to give her more...if it was for the kids thats different and then him and i should be discussing it before...there is no way she evens needs to give her acct number, i would write her a check for proof before i just give cash into her acct
if he won't admit to a text
if he won't admit to a text message that he obviously remembers, he's hiding something.
me either, since it happened
me either, since it happened ive had this sick feeling in my stomach and I just can't shake it and now I don't trust him at all and it shouldn't be that way
I can understand why you feel
I can understand why you feel sick about this. Can you do some more private snooping? How about trying to set up an online account for your cell phone. Maybe there is a program that will give you access to the text messages he sends.
Now that he knows you are aware of the text he sent to her he will be even more secretive if he is trying to hide something from you. And unfortunately it seems that is exactly what he is doing.
his phone is a work phone so
his phone is a work phone so i'm not even on the account
he says she asked about money
he says she asked about money for the kids clothes but we only owe 80 and we don't owe it we just need to take them out and spend 80 more on them for this go round..so i dont even know why she would ask for that.
his work phone is his
his work phone is his personal phone too so we don't need to get a separate line for him...it was easier and cheaper.
so maybe he doesn't agree with me about sharing information but isn't that what a marriage is about? good or bad you still share in each others lives past or present? I feel like he's living a separate life by not telling me about the conversation and then what else is he not telling me
I'm sure now that I found
I'm sure now that I found that message, he is probably deleting anything he doesn't want me to see. I've checked his phone since then no phone calls to her or from her and no messages except a time to meet to get the kids. The day the phone call took place isn't even on his call list..so he's obviously deleting his history or part of it now.
that's what it sounded like
that's what it sounded like to me too, I would never give my ex husband our checking account number! She lives like 4 hours away so I know the whole sex thing isn't happening but what kind of relationship does he even need with her besides civil for the kids?
My dh was secretly giving the
My dh was secretly giving the ex money and I blew my fucking lid when I found out. I dont think you need snoop anymore, you've seen enough. Have it out with him and find out how much and how often he's been giving her money. Tell him you want to see the bank records and that your not going to put up with that shit. He might think that it's his money and can do what he likes with it but it is taking away from your household.
It doesn't have to be
It doesn't have to be cheating. People need to not be quick to jump to conclusions.
He could have sent the ex some money because she asked for it....Maybe she asked to BORROW some money, who knows. He could have lied to the OP because he thought she would not be happy about it.
OP...my hubby once lied to me about some money and I was so angry...fighting and arguing will not solve anything. You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation and if he tries to avoid it maybe right him a letter explaining how you feel when he hides things from you and tell him that you want to have and honest relationship and that lies will not be tolerated.
Goodluck.
It sounds like he is
It sounds like he is giving/loaning her money and talking to her about personal things, maybe her man problems. You don't thank your ex for talking to you about your own kids that you have together.
It doesn't even matter, what matters is that he is being dishonest with you about it.
Men lie for different reasons. Sometimes for no reason other than they think it is in their best interest. If he's giving her money, he knows you are going to be mad about that. If he's being a friend to her and talking to her about her personal life, again, he knows you are probably not going to be happy about that. By lying, he thinks he is saving himself a confrontation. What men don't realize, we always find out about the lies! And that turns into a bigger confrontation.
You certainly need to confront him but going off on him is not going to make him be honest, it's just going to confirm, in his mind, that he was doing the right thing by trying to cover his ass.
You have to let him know that he can be honest with you and you will be willing to listen to his side and discuss things, but the lying will not be tolerated.
Exactly what hereiam said.
Exactly what hereiam said.
My SO always thinks he is doing the right thing by keeping things from me that he thinks might upset me. I'm guessing plenty of men do this. Your DH does need to be confronted in a way that doesn't confirm to him that he was right by keeping things from you.
They clearly were talking about something personal, which crosses all kinds of boundaries. Not saying this is necessarily the case, but even at 4 hours away they could be having an emotional affair. Even if they were discussing some problem of a kid's, thanking him for the talk makes no sense. Something wrong was happening there, even if it was only him not stopping her from crossing a boundary, and hopefully not something worse.
I do actually get along very well with one of my exes. I'd go so far as to say we are pretty good friends now. My SO is also friendly with him. We do talk through some deeper, stickier stuff about DS. We talk about our jobs and our families occasionally. Just saying this to illustrate there can be decent relationships with exes. And also to illustrate that this is how I know that "thanks for the talk" crossed some inappropriate line. This would bother me way more than the money...although the money is a problem too.
Thanks everyone for all your
Thanks everyone for all your advice! I really love this site and appreciate the time you take to respond to my stupid drama!
OMG!! Been there before! I
OMG!! Been there before! I agree with the last few posts. My DH hid things from me at the beggining of our relationship that had to do with the evil BM because he thought he was being good and "sheltering" me from the evil.(Plus I would lose my fucking mind in the beggining)...until I found out about some of said things way later and that was WAY worse....do you fly off the handle when it comes to her?...is he hiding things to do with her cause it "shelters" you? (I know this behaviour is wrong..but men are really dumb sometimes)...example: 6 months into our relationship..BM knew I was working night shift and went over to his house and tried to have sex with him!! I heard about this a year later!!! He "sheltered" me from it....however..when I heard about it..it was from a third party whom she told. Her story that I heard was that she went over and HE DID sleep with her. His story when caught was she did come over..he said fuck off and she said "i'm going to tell people we did anyway." You can imagine that fight!!!!!!!! What i'm trying to say...you're not alone. Men are dumb sometimes...and if you loved him and have trusted him for however long (dont know your background) then give him the benefit of the doubt...however he has to know that this behavior is 100% UNACCEPTABLE and will casue the breakdown of the marriage if he does not come clean!!! If he loves and cares..he will be very OK with that. Good luck!