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SD10 rejecting our DS

Dogmom1321's picture

SD10 has not been excited about her half brother the entire pregnancy. Actually, that would be an understatement. My due date is April 14th, but yesterday the doctor said I'm already 2cm dialated and 70% effaced. So basically I should be ready before 40 weeks is up. 

I was putting together a hospital bag yesterday when SD saw. 

SD: "Why are you packing?"

Me: "In case we have to go to the hospital early. DS might be otw."

SD: "No fair, you told me he wasn't coming until April."

DH: "Well we really can't control that." **As he brings out a bag too

SD to DH: "Wait why do you have to go with her?"

DH: "Um because it's my son?" We also both added "And he's your half-brother."

SD: "She's not my mom"

DH: "No, but she's your SM and she's my wife, making him your half-brother."

SD: "Ugh, my gosh!"

I feel like we are dealing with a TOTAL rejection from SD10 here. In denial that she's related to half-brother and showing resentment towards her Dad for doing ANYTHING for me or the baby. Anyone else deal with a jealous stepchild when they had a newborn? What can we do? Do we just let it be? She obviously doesn't see herself as part of our family. She makes it a "you vs me" from Day 1 even when we try to include her. Help!

Survivingstephell's picture

This is up to the father to fix. He must be adamant about how family is in his house, disrespect will not be tolerated. BM is coaching her. Treat her as such and shut it down now.  Also focus on all the things/freedoms she has at her compared to helpless newborn.  BTDT.  

Cookieboom's picture

I agree with with Survingstephell.  It sounds like BM is facilitating this...HUGS

shellpell's picture

Who cares. Just ignore her brattiness and only address things if she is a danger to the baby. Don't let her steal your joy as a mother. This is about you and your baby, and if SD has a problem with it, your DH needs to shut it down and not cater to any BS.

Dogmom1321's picture

I guess I'm over friends and family asking "How is ____ doing with everything?" Terrible. She's a joy kill. 

But really! What's a good response to ppl who keep asking about SD instead of the baby? I don't want her to be the focus either!

shellpell's picture

Be honest. sD isn't thrilled but I am over the moon excited. My nursery is going to be giraffe themed. Want to see my Pinterest board? " Turn it back to you and baby.

Stepdrama2020's picture

We are all guilty of protecting the skids and not sharing the reality! IDK why we do, but we do.

OP be honest then refocus on you and the baby.

Gawd I want to go back in time . People would ask how is your SD? I would always say fine. But in my head "she is a frecking  C and I cannot stand the B"  

Dogmom1321's picture

Yes! Sometimes I feel it's easier to grin and bear the "she's excited." and move on rather than have friends and family "try to understand" the REAL situation going on. The times I've been honest I get the "I'm sure she will change when he gets here. She will be a great helper. etc." 

futurobrillante99's picture

She should be corrected for being rude, no doubt.

However, it's normal for an only child on the cusp of puberty to not be thrilled that a squalling infant will soon enter the house, and attention will be given to the pesky little thing.

She's a person just like you are and she's not necessarily a monster for not wanting another baby in the house. I was 6 and 7 when my mom had my siblings and my next sister was a royal PITA. She was a sickly baby and spent a lot of time in the hospital. I had to get rid of my cat because she was allergic.

Bio siblings are often not thrilled at the arrival of a new sibling.

From your POV, this is your first and you're the momma, so it's magical. Don't take her attitude personally and I hope your husband continues to stay on top of her attitude.

Her feelings are understandable. Her behavior needs to be addressed.

Winterglow's picture

"Bio siblings are often not thrilled at the arrival of a new sibling."

When my mum was expecting my baby bro (I'd have been nearly 3 at the time), a friend of the family stopped us in the street and asked me if I was happy to be about to have a sibling and what did I hope for, a brother or a sister? (This was in the long gone days before ultrasounds). I said, matter-of-factly, "I'd rather have an elephant."

My family has never allowed me to forget this.

Smile

 

simifan's picture

My sister & I are 18 months apart. I put little sis in the trash so she would "go away." I'm sure she deserved it. :-P 

Most siblings - bio, half, step are not thrilled with a new addition. I didn't get along with little sis until we were adults.  DH needs to talk to SD about family supporting one another - even if you don't like their choices & being rude. 

fakemommy's picture

Okay, but he's her half brother because they share a dad, not because you are dad's wife and stepmom. That might help her understand better?

It is normal for siblings to be jealous of new siblings. I adored my sister our entire lives, but I did not want her and I was devastated when she was born. Things might turn out okay with her, just keep talking to her about it and know her feelings are normal.

simifan's picture

Maybe. ExH got blasted out by BM for me explaining the difference to SD when she was 5 (BM was pregnant) and SD was honestly confused about how Mommy's baby was her brother.

nappisan's picture

I never had a child with DH (thankgod!) because it would frighten me our baby wouldnt be safe from SS13.  However SS13's mother had another baby with her new husband and she now has another on the way ,, and oh geez has she copped some crap for her brat son !! he HATES the baby and HATES the fact mom is due to have another in july.  I feel sorry for the stepfather in this case as hes actually a really decent guy and cops all the crap i was put through with the brat! Even though i despise the BM , i actually worry that this kid would be vindictive enough and certainly wouldnt trust him alone with the baby .  Your DH needs to be firm with SD but also include her with things 

Rags's picture

I would not necessarily classify this as SD-10 rejecting her STB born little brother.

Certainly BM could be in her head on the whole thing, and likely is.  The usual "the baby will replace you in your daddy's heart", "SM will not like you as much as the new baby", etc..... etc...... etc....... is most likely.  The counter to that kind of crap is daddy not tolerating any crap, giving the SD all of the facts that counter BM's toxicity, and ..... you partnering in all of that with DH.  

IMHO DH needs to start engaging her on the excitement of a new baby and a brother. You being her SM has nothing to do with the baby being her half brother, they are both DH's children.  A bit more explanation from DH might start clearing things up for her and start her in engaging on the family excitement. If not, then cutting her PAS'd  kid bullshit off in its tracks is a second best outcome.

IMHO of course.

Dogmom1321's picture

This was our conversation the other day... but I honestly feel like SD still acts this way IN SPITE of efforts DH makes. 

For example, she likes to skateboard. DH will say things like your brother will love for you to teach him. He's going to look up to you. There are so many things you can show him, etc. 

Her response is always something along the lines of "That's not my job. I'll be a teen anyway." etc. I guess DH needs to be more firm instead of just "encouraging"?

shamds's picture

We have seen regularly on st, plenty of skids and half siblings on the newborn baby etc, have decided early on they want to remain in the marital home and pretend we all don't exist and instead of being positive role models towards younger siblings, they'd rather be selfish arseholes!!

my ss didn't acknowledge our daughter for 5 weeks until hubby confronted him about it. He wanted to come to hospital the day bubs was born but hubby said now. Even as a 17.5 yr old, hubby knew that when he'd come, he'd look for a second and start shouting at hubby rudely demanding to be taken home and dig his head in his hands and fidget/scratch his head out of boredom. My ils came as were all so excited as this was the first baby in family in about 5-6 yrs. 

the next day ss come and as predicted dug his head in his hand. I gave birth in malaysia, i'm caucasian and there were 2 babies born that day, a brown asian malay one and a white one. Ss17.5 asked daddy which one was his. My husband looked at his kid like the idiot he was and said the white one, like seriously what kind of stupid question was that.

when our daughter was 5 weeks old, he told his dad he was incapable of showing any love and to not force him to and this was in response to his dad saying it was disappointing that he pretended she didn't exist for a whole bloody month. But when ils are over oh boy does he fake the attention with awkward strokes on my daughters hands and she looks at him like "get the eff away from me!!" And the ils call him out because to them we are family and they can't understand how someone who is closer related (more than the ils won't accept our kids)

i have a daughter and son and the relationship they have together and with their dad sets the bar and example for skids.

sd's are 26 & 15.5 and went mia for over 5 yrs and expected daddy to be pining for them and they guilted him for moving on with life. You know what, he found someone he loved and wanted a family with her, a real family and not the fake made up shit they have thats barely a functioning relationship.
 

They would refer to us a "the new family" and i kid you not after 5 yrs mia and a nasty arse divorce from batshit effin crazy bio mum, they proceeded to lecture daddy to maintain child support indefinitely, that bio mums marriage to her affair husband might be ending (not that my husband gives a flying shit about this) oh and could you transfer the home you bought for us to live in into skids name only because bio mum doesn't want stepdad to claim it if they divorce. A home hubby bought after the divorce on his own with no papers signed by bio mum. 
 

hubby refused to and said he has a loan on it still to be paid off. I'm lucky hubby actually offloaded a whole chunk of early retirement savings to buy a home in my country of birth thats solely in my name to avoid batshit crazy and co seeking to make us homeless

its been almost 2.5 yrs i have not been in contact yet alone met the 3 ferals. Just wait for the day when the ils start saying to my kids aboht skids thats you brother and sister and my kids say "no they're not" because really they aren't by nature so lets not glorify them just because of the small dna they share, the same amount they share with their aunts who treat and love them as real family.

there will never be a day i will ever want anything to do with any skid. That bridge they burnt a long time ago and no sob story or guilting by my husband will change that