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SD talking about moving in. Lord help me.

Shoshanna's picture

SD comes over this afternoon for scheduled Wed to thurs visit. She's in alternative school so I take her to school Thursdays when her dad is out of town working (2 week on 2 week off shift). BM is a total ****tard, to be clear and concise. . .Lol. Anyhow, SD is annoying as hell, entitle, selfish, and bitchy as heck; however, she'sbeen raised that way. ANYHOW, SD says she's thinking about moving in here bc she's tired of fighting with her mom. YA, I get that, but wtf? Her dad would jump at the chance, but its easy for him, he LOVES her and also would not be here to deal with her rebellious and moody bitchy nature. I have told him I will not even consider her moving here if he continues to work out of town. The funny thing is, we would not be able to afford my being a SAHM to our 2 and 3 year old girls if he DIDN'T work out of town. . . . .so I'm hoping my threat/logic works to keep her out of our home permanently. If I could have raised this child from the age when I met her(eight years old), she could/would have been a different 16 year old I guarantee it. HOWEVER, now her mom has royally screwed up this child, can't handle the monster she's created, and will probably be more than happy to pawn her mess of on me/us. Feck feck feck. Oh, to boot, I get to buy this kid stuff, have her visit with or without DH present, and get to chauffeur her endlessy to appointments or school or what have you-BUT it seems I get no say in anything pertaining to darling SD, even if it negatively affects my life. I already have a stress ulcer I swear. SORRY this was so long, but it woyld have been pages long if I started in about BM. Ugh!!!!!!!

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

"I get to buy this kid stuff, have her visit with or without DH present, and get to chauffeur her endlessy to appointments or school or what have you-BUT it seems I get no say in anything pertaining to darling SD, even if it negatively affects my life."

That is exactly how things will stay if she moves in, and probably get MUCH worse. You'll rearrange your life and schedule, haul your kiddos around endlessly for SD's activities, have the life sucked out of you, be used only when convenient for her, have BM all up in your business, and then the FIRST time you or DH lays down any discipline or rules, she'll throw away everything you built for her and run back to BM's. That's what my SDstb18 did, and it's a very common theme around STalk. If you value your life as it is, and want to stay fairly emotionally and physically healthy, say NO.

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

Holy shit...our situations are VERY similar. SD went back to BM's after DH gave her the option to either apologize for telling me to "fuck off" (after she had spent the day for the first time in months with BM, both of them bitching and complaining about me to each other) and then deal with being grounded for two weeks. (which would have been more a punishment for me, but I digress.) She refused, he told her the other choice was going back to BM's. This is after over a year of living with us, and severe, life long abuse from BM.

She chose BM's nasty ass, smelly 700 sq ft apartment, with BM, her three half siblings (three different fathers), BM's newest BF (that SD had met twice), and his two enormous pitbulls. Back to sharing a room with three other kids and hearing her mom have sex through the wall. But according to them (as per BM's court filing), DH and I "kicked SD out, abused her, and told her we never wanted to see her again". She also says that "DH is no longer her father", and that she "doesn't have a dad". We have had only two instances of contact in the last seven months, both by chance when we saw each other at the store. She refused to speak to us both times, and has not returned any calls.

Fun stuff, isn't it?! Good lord, it all seems scripted! How old is your SD?

Shoshanna's picture

Thank you. I have actually seriously considered taking my girls and moving out if DH doesn't take me seriously on this one. I love my DH, but he turns into a man I can't respect when dealing with his child, or rather "lack of" dealing with her.

Shoshanna's picture

I know this intellectually AND emotionally, but holy smokes. . . .I just recently had to battle about being responsible for picking up and dropping off said SD, citing I would only do one or the other. I was painted with the 'uncaring bitch" brush. . . .can't imagine the venom that would spew over this movibg in scenario. I got overinvolved in the beginning of my relationship with DH and his daughter, and now I don't know how to untangle myself from the mess she's becoming thanks to her unspeakably awful, smoke-breathing demonic BM.

Orange County Ca's picture

You're not a babysitter. But you've got a problem if I read it correctly. He must work out of town or you'll have to get a job because there won't be enough money.

If it comes down to it try having her move in but make the rules so strenuous that she'll move back. Make it clear that its a trial period, say to the end of the school year, or the summer, or the first half of the next school year depending on when this comes to be.

Many kids move under these circumstances only to find the new home is worse than the old. It's your job to make that so without being obvious. She's older than the others, and a girl, so she needs to be closely supervised right? Like no dating, no hanging at the mall, no electronic stuff after ten PM. etc etc

nothinforya's picture

Does DH pay CS? Maybe if you took SD, BM would have to pay CS and not your DH, and he could work closer to home and for fewer hours. Also, think about who gets the tax benefits. That might swing things financially in your favor. But teen girls are very fickle and can change their minds at a moment's notice.

Shoshanna's picture

All good responses so thank you all. And in regard to the CS, YES, we/DH pays$800 a month, so I have a sneaking suspicion BM won't be willing to part with that. Smile I guess my DH is just like evety othet Disney/guilty dad!

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

BM thought that CS would continue to come to her even when SD lived full time with us, since BM was still the "custodial" parent on paper, and DH had "physical" custody. So with her interesting logic, she should still be paid, even though she had NO financial responsibilities for SD anymore, AND DH and I took care of all SD's needs, including the roof over her head. Right.

But what a process it was to change CS. It took ten months for the withholding to stop coming out of DH's check, and BM refused to return the support that was taken out while SD lived with us. Not to mention that BM also refused to actually PAY support to DH, as he had always faithfully done while SD was in BM's apartment. When the paperwork was finally done and BM was ordered to pay support, she threw a total fit over it. (Her whopping $99 monthly contribution to her daughter's life.) A large credit was entered in favor of DH for the overpaid support, but we had to go to small claims to turn it into a judgment. We have yet to see a dime of that money, and likely never will.

The whole process required three court hearings, a year of effort, attorney fees, and SD being coerced by BM to make false statements to the court regarding where she lived. It was a nightmare, and crippled us financially for quite some time. We've never before been as strapped for cash as we were during that time, and it took almost six months to recover from it, even after SD had moved back to BM's.

Had I known how bad it would be, I probably still would have welcomed SD into our home with open arms, but we would have filed an ex-parte motion (for an emergency hearing) with regard to both custody and support. We would have gotten in front of a judge much faster than waiting for the CS office to get their shit together (we just filed a change in circumstances with them), and BM's support order would have been retroactive to the filing date. Going through the CS office was a much longer process all the way around, and I wouldn't recommend it.

Of course when SD moved back to BM's, she filed an ex-parte the DAY SD was back at her apartment, and was awarded an increased support order from DH that didn't even take into account that he'd overpaid BM while SD was here. We have a judgment against BM, but can't collect it because she works less than part time hours and claims to be exempt from garnishment. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of justice in these programs.

Anyway, that was my long-winded way of cautioning you about changing the support status. If you suspect that your SD might not be fully committed to living at your home and will likely return to BM's at some point, you may be better off just continuing to pay BM support while SD's in your home, and then taking BM to small claims for the overpaid support. It will require careful documentation (like emails to and from BM regarding the change in physical custody for proof of SD's living situation). Take into consideration whether or not the current support paid to BM is accurate. If your DH makes more than he did when the order was created, or BM makes less, or there's been some other change in the cost to support SD, your DH may be ordered to pay a much higher amount to BM when SD moves back. That's the end result for us...a big "fuck you" from SD, allegations of abuse, an investigation of us by CPS, DOUBLE the support to BM, and support extended from age 18 to 21. Just a complete and utter clusterfuck.

Shoshanna's picture

How on earth did you survive that and not become homicidal? You are a strong, strong person and I commend you. MY DH has been overpaying for about 3 years now, as its easier to continue paying the same amount as before (his income hasn't actually lessened, its that he's become self employed and pays me half as his bookkeeper/dependent so in fact, if we were to redo CS, darling BM would only get about 400 instead of eight). However, her hellfire is not worth saving 400 bucks a month. And you are right, SD would survive possibly 1 week under my rules so she would be back at BM's faster than she changes bf's. Today I actually had a reasonable discussion via text msg, mind you, about SD. I told BM I figured SD has a personality disorder, like part BPD, part Histrionic. She told me her latest therapist had given her that diagnosis unofficially, as that kind of label discourages professionals from working with a person bc they are generally untreatable. Yikes. I'm starting to believe this is neverending. Blah! Sad

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

ARGHH!! My SD and her BM are both BPD. Well, actually, SD "exhibits BPD tendencies with histrionic episodes". She's not quite 18, so an official diagnosis can't be made yet.

Yeah, I'm not sure how someone didn't get killed. My sanity hung by a very thin thread at times. And then there was SD LIVING with us while it was all happening too, and I had just had DD2. I'm surprised I still exist.

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

"Will your SD behave decently? Maybe a written agreement over behavior? Of course, she will probably agree to that and make promises but not keep them. Seems to be how it works with skids who are bouncing from one side to the other. Also makes them feel powerful."

Powerful indeed. Each time a kid bounces from one parent to the other to either avoid consequences for wrong doing, or to otherwise find the path of least resistance, BOTH parents lose more and more control over their kid and their homes. It also teaches the kid that accountability means squat, and that running away from issues is the easiest way to handle life.

Shoshanna's picture

So true so true folks! BPD is something else. . . . . . . . . .just the other night, SD and I were watching tv together, after I put her 2 half sibs ( ages 2 and 3) to bed. I thought we were having a decent time, she laughing at the shows, in between texting of course. Turns out she was texting her mom the whole time about how awful her life is and that she wants to go to the psych ward bc she wants new meds. ARE YOU FECKING SERIOUS? This 'drana' is because her mom won't let her change the alternative school she begged to get into a few months ago. This is how she do: I don't seem to be getting what I want, so I'm going to threaten to harm myself(which she never does. . . .She takes maybe four pills and calls it an 'attempt.') Everyone falls all over themselves to cater to her emotional needs, then she immediately proceeds to engage in shitty behavior (awol, etc), and no one disciplines her because she might kill herself. Give me
a goddamn break. I just to take her over my knee and spank the crap outta her!!!!!!

Shoshanna's picture


Krispey Kreme's picture

No. First off, the kid shouldn't be allowed to call the shots about where she will live and when. There needs to be responsible parents in charge and actively parenting their kids. That's who needs to make these decisions. Skids are famous for skillfully playing parents off each other and jumping back and forth to suit themselves. My SD loved to play that game. She'd come over and badmouth her BM (DH ate it up), until things didn't go her way at our house, then she moved back to BM's and badmouthed us (BM ate it up). It was a vicious cycle. And I was the unpaid help for all the back and forth. And the target of SD's nastiness. It really sucked bad! The skids will never learn how to get along or work out interpersonal problems, they only learn how to use/play people and it won't help them in ther adult lives. I've seen the results with my own eyes. Just say no!

If it comes to that, and your DH caves, there needs to be very clear rules and boundaries and it needs to be a one time offer (aka Tough Love). Family counseling to work it all out would be worth the money so DH understands he needs to step up and do the bulk of the parenting of his child. Which may be difficult if he isn't home much. No going back and forth to get your way. And if she hoses you or tries to disrespect your house rules-she's gone, never to move in again-back to BM's forever. She needs to clearly understand that this is a one time offer and you will put her out if she doesn't respect your house rules. If your DH isn't strong enough to stand up to her (guilty daddy or permissive daddy) it will never work. You will be miserable because you will do the heavy lifting and get blamed for any problem. Don't be a convenient scapegoat.

And leave the child support alone. I know, it's not fair. But she probably won't stay long, because she's messed up and not used to rules, boundaries and structure in a mentally healthy adult-run household. And the temptation to play you will be almost impossible to resist. If you have to go back and forth on the child support agreement, I guarantee you that you will end up being screwed in the long run. And may end up paying more than you would have if you left it alone (we made that mistake). These kids are pretty savvy about manipulation and emotional blackmail. And they can be petty and vindictive.

The sad thing is that you'd probably be getting her too late to help her learn to be a normal, productive person. These kids get ruined by their mentally unfit parents and it is hard to help them overcome it. They end up chaotic, dysfunctional adults just like the parent who raised them. And they bring nothing but chaos and dysfunction to your house when they come.