SD not inviting me or her 9 year old half brother to her wedding
UPDATE!!
Things have went from bad to worse. So SD is having her dad walk her down the isle after her other siblings chewed her out. She also agreed that her half-brother and I could go after her siblings chewed her out. I told SD that I would honor her wishes and not go and that I want her day to be joyous and free from and emotional tension if me and her half brother were there. However my hubby and I had a huge argument over this. I told him I let his kids know I would not be attending but that I'm still very hurt. He got very defensive and said she doesn't have to invite you and he's not going to discuss it with her. We shared words and now I'm just to the point of walking away forever. 14 years of him not validating my feelings. I can't take it anymore. I have supported him through his alcohol addictions (sober now) but this ultimately what drove his daughters and entire family away. I am the bread earner. I work go to school raise our son. He wreaks all the benefits yet can't support my feelings. Sorry I just needed to vent. But this wife is tired.
1st part of post is below
There's something just eating away at me and I need healthy sound advice from people who have been shunned by older step children. I literally have been in these kids lives since birth. The last 8 years have been very strained. HCBM is a poster child for parental alienation. She succeeded driving the girls away but not my SS. The kids are now almost 18 and 21. My spouse and I have been married 11 years together 14 and share a 9 year old son. SD is getting married and did not invite me or her half brother. All of my spouses family is invited, on her website she has everyone listed with their spouses and children, but my husband is listed alone on the guest list. The invite came in his name while my friends came with the entire family listed. She's not even having her own dad walk her down the isle. She's obviously trying to make a point. Of course my spouse would rather crank at me rather then even mention it to his daughter. My heart bleeds for my son. To exclude me is one thing to exclude him is hateful and rude. We only see them on the holidays when they show up to get their Christmas money. I'm to the point of just saying they are as welcome here as me and my son are in their lives. No I haven't talked to SD and don't intend too. Honestly if my grown daughter pulled that crap I probably wouldn't be attending her wedding. Thankfully she has more manners then that.
Your husband is an ass for having the nerve to say sd doesn’t
Need to invite you and that its perfectly acceptable he be invited alone and you and your child be excluded.
the fact your husband doesn't feel hurt, guilty and angry speaks volumes. He's effectively condoning and encouraging sd's shunning and disrespect of you and your child together which is a direct attack on your husband to get back at him.
now personally I wouldn't want to be at skids wedding because biomum loves to create drama and all the pas she created. But your husband making you the baddy in all this is unacceptable
I think I'd be packing my and
I think I'd be packing my and my son's bags while the wedding is on. You said that your life together has been a disappointment, maybe this will give you the motivation to leave? What is there to save? Is it worth saving so you can have another 14 years of the same?
I am absolutely gobsmacked that your DuH doesn't think his daughter needs to invite you and that he sees no reason to discuss it with her. What does that tell you about his feelings for you? Volumes, eh? Right, go and see a lawyer (or more) to see where you stand if you divorce. If your finances are joint, this would be a good time to change that. Your DuH doesn't know when he's got it good.
Wouldn't it be nice to just pack while he's gone and leave the divorce papers for him to find when he comes home from the wedding to find you and your son gone.
If you were close…
I'd come help you pack! Winterglow said it straight... You are not being held, honored, or loved as an equal... Is that who you are? Or - were you created with a Purpose and Happiness that has yet to be realized? Be an example to your son that you are deserving of respect, deserve to be cherished and honored - as in the vows you spoke before God. Make this New Year YOUR New Year and make the moves (meet with attorney) to begin your process. Christmas shopping is a great excuse to be away for a couple hours... God Bless and move your feet!
Wow....You have a leech in
Wow....You have a leech in your life. Not just a physical and financial leech but also an emotional leech.
I wouldnt go where im unwanted even if they extended an invation again, you are right to refuse. If your husband wants to be upset at you or your child for being offended about being treated like second class citizens for a wedding you dont care about, then he can walk down that isle with his suitcase and go move in with his newlywed daughter....
Dont be afraid to stand up for yourself. They will continue to invent things and act like you are crazy when you are pointing sane normal behaviors, its because they are mentally ill and disruptive and will not admit what is wrong within themselves first so its better to gaslight and act like you are the wrong one and you are crazy to feel this way.
The only thing that kept me going all these years was my sanity and my clairvoyance. If not i would think that im a horrible person or a victim. In any case, im not perfect but I know when Im wrong and when im being gaslit. Take a step back and look at things unbiased. If you feel that you are still valid in your reaction, then you have no reason to cry or feel hurt and he can slam his head on the wall if he doesnt like it
I foresee xmas and other holidays of sd inviting only
Daddy and no stepmum and half brother. Op husband will attent and gaslight op and their child as the problem. Essentially by allowing this to continue, condoning and encouraging it, op husband is treating her more like the shameful secret mistress and their kid the illegitimate child.
none of this is appealing to me
So end it. NOW!
This disfunctional failed family is a waste of your time and effort.
Re-Key the locks, put him on the curb. Let him figure out how to win his own bread. And don't forget to nail his ass to the wall for a shit ton of CS.
Take care of you.
I went back twice and reread
I went back twice and reread your words. You are the bread winner? you pay his way? pack his crap while he's gone and show him the door. He put you last, time for you to put him last. He won't stand up for you? Stand up for yourself and tell him to move along. You deserve love fromm your partner. You deserve respect. You deserve so much more than he is showing you. Show his tush the door.
Please
Stop subjecting your child and yourself to this abusive family. Send him off to that wedding; in the mean time, plan your time while he's at that wedding. Like packing his stuff, changing the locks, and I'd have papers ready, hanging from the door knob. Divorce papers.
My DH has had weak moments but I can tell you this...had his kids NOT invited me to a wedding or any event they invited him to....my DH would not go. In fact, I've been disengaged from DHs kids for almost 5 years now and I still get invites to birthday parties and the one wedding they've had in the family. I choose to not go. I don't go where I'm not wanted and I clearly know the only reason I'm invited by them is so DH will go.
Get yourself back to a peaceful life.
Cool heads need to prevail
Cool heads need to prevail here. It's easy to tell OP to leave the mooch but we don't have to deal with the reality that she does.. she has a minor son with this guy.. who apparently isn't working.. so the chance that she could leave and end up being on the hook for both spousal support AND child support is a legit concern.. and something she should not dismiss lightly without seeking legal counsel.
I would be curious as to the reason why her DH is not earning money.. a victim of pandemic layoffs and hasn't relaunched? a medical issue preventing him from working? or is it laziness? (or some combo or other reason).
If it is possible for him to work... it would be really good for that to happen before she initiates a divorce that could be costly to her.
Then we come to the issue at hand. I'm guessing her DH wants her to attend because he feels it would be personally embarassing for him if she were not to stand by him.. especially when his family made a stink so that she would be included with him. Like many marginalized fathers of divorce.. he is used to accepting the crumbs provided.. and is mad she won't share them with him. Even though his kid was a turd for not including everyone initially.. he still sees it as a rejection of his kid when she doesn't want to accept the back hand invitation.
I would base my personal decision based on a lot of history with this guy (the son in this case).. were their interractions mostly civil? Is this icing out initially something perhaps driven by an attempt to reduce drama with his mother and her feelings? Was he just trying to avoid conflict.. and then realized he created more.. so is now back tracking?
Could I attend and deal with a decent number of the other guests nicely? it sounds like maybe her DHs family may be aligned with her to an extent.. could she fake it till you make it for the sake of her husband's need to keep up appearances?
I am guessing he is taking this as a rejection of his family's well meaning going to bat for them.. and so a rejection of them.. when I don't think OP means it that way.. he is afraid that is how it may be taken.
maybe a compromise to attend the service but cut short the reception?
I don't know.. in our case.. we went to my OSD's wedding.. where the Ex was present.. and did not go to my YSD's wedding where his Ex was present at HIS choice.. (though SD did have a legal ceremony in advance of her display wedding where we did go and her mom was not present).
So.. I supported my DH in whichever way he wanted to go.. his kids. his choice.. and I stood with him.. but I can understand not being up for it in this case.
The complexity of possible variables is infinite. Which is why I
don't give a crap about the why. I focus on the what. The what in this case, IMHO, is that the Skid blatantly excluded their father's wife and the Skid's own brother from their wedding. Bridezillas and Groomzillas should be confronted, not tolerated. Ever.
Why the toxic Skid did that is irrelevant IMHO.
Completely agree, Rags.
What if it's this? Or what if it's that? Screw supposition.
Many of us in Stepland have been playing the "give them the benefit of the doubt" or "maybe they did this for such-and-such reason" game for far too long. Yet it is interesting that the skids never seem to apply that same standard to stepparents.
IMO once the skids are adults they are fully responsible for their own behaviors and choices.
Sorry Rags... but the why is
Sorry Rags... but the why is important to understand. Life isn't black and white.. we can't always live our lives with absolutes.. and most good relationships do involve compromise.. understanding of intent etc.. There are broader relationships here to consider.. not just the one of a father and son.. or step mother and step son.. but it sounds like her DH's family also has had input and there is the relationship with them to consider.. and it actually sounds like they are on team DH/SM.
So.. did the son not want to invite his dad/stepmom because of past drama with his mother? Did he worry mom would cause a scene.. does she hold her affections hostage and punish her son when he shows any allegiance to his father.. or any kindness to his SM. Have his father and/or stepmother had problems with his mother that could be considered "them" being the bad guy vs the mom.. or could mom make her son think that?
Is his son generally conflict avoidant in his life generally? when he said he didn't even want his SM there.. maybe because he felt that would avoid drama with his mom/her side of the family.. and just wanted a nice drama free wedding. Maybe his SM has "lost it" (even if legitly understandable).. with his mom and didn't want a cat fight on the dance floor? Maybe his dad cheated on mom and he is overly protective of her for that reason (whether it was the SM or not that was the counterparty)..
Fortunately, his family did talk some sense into him.. likely said that he needed to let the adults be adults and include everyone.
Depending on how that was relayed and explained.. well.. you can give him more or less credit for graciousness there.
That was why my thoughts were that if it had been a "lifetime" of bitterness and the son being a tool to his SM? I think remaining home.. for that reason.. is fine. Her DH can go alone.. and say his wife had a conflict.. whatever. BUT.. if they generally had a decent enough relationship and this was more of an exception where the kid caved to pressure from mom.. or just serious second guessing the ability of the day to go well if everyone were in the same room? and he apologized for that?well.. I might be more inclined to go with my husband in that case.
Again.. the why.. the intent.. the apology.. all matter to me.. at least in my mind.
Yes.. we can draw lines in the sand.. and have our boundaries.. but we can also have well thought out exceptions and compromises.. seeing the long game.. and considering all the facts.
There you go again.... Making me think.
Absolutely compromise is a lynchpin for a quality relationship. Though is that even a moderate possibility with a toxic person?
Your comments on the history struck home for me. We had the rare toxic incident with SS, I have perpetrated the occassional toxic incident myself. A one and done in an otherwise healthy relationship is very different than a consistently toxic situation.
The long term toxicity that tends to be the norm for so many STalker Skid/Blended family relationships drives an intuitive call for me. Far more often than it should. Yes, the details can matter. In a direct conversation, Q&A tends to uncover these things. In a comment/blog/sound bite environment, my analytical side tends to not delve into the why's and what if's.
Thank you for giving me that clarity and reminding me that brief descriptions of situations provided on STalk is not how it tends to work IRL when it comes to the back and forth between the actual players in the situation.
I do appreciate it.
I do agree that we too often
I do agree that we too often brush our own needs and feeling aside.. though.. our feelings do matter and we don't have to be emotional punching bags and deal with crap sandwiches from people who especially as adults repeatedly fail to consider our feelings.
but yes.. it is a balancing act.. and sometimes we have to compromise a little.
These are all excellent considerations
Women can and do get nailed for alimony, CS payments, and paying for lawyer fees for ex just as often if not more than men. I know lots of women that were married to abusive as*h*les and they still have to pay him lots of $$$. Can you push him to get a job before you leave or file for a divorce?
Married people or even those in a committed
Relationship should never attend anything that their partner is not welcome at ... plain simple, no exceptions ... end of story..
I am so sorry this is happening to you! Your stepdaughter is ridiculously immature to not invite you or her half brother. But in reading the responses from your husband I understand how she got this way. I imagine she was allowed to do that her whole life. Tough to throw away a marriage after 14 years. Something for you to think about before you leave but life is also too short to be unhappy and second for the rest of your life
I agree that she doesn' HAVE
I agree that she doesn' HAVE to invite you, but it makes her a B*TCH for not. I mean she's an adult and it is HER wedding. If I was told I had to invite someone, I'd be PISSED. BUT I wouldn't be a B*TCH enough to intentionally exclude someone but EXPECT their spouse to be part of the wedding... that's just immature and rediculous.
That being said I think it was very mature of YOU for "bowing out" and allowing her day to be about her. and I love the idea of her siblings KNOWING she'd be responsible and look at her as petty, and they'll know she's the (like I have already stated) B*TCH.
Your husband is an @$$ for expecting you to bend over and take it from SD like that.
Please tell me that none of
Please tell me that none of your finances is going towards this wedding. Please.
A few months back I remember a post about skid
Wouldn't invote daddy and his whore of a wife (skids term) but wanted $10,000-20,000 cash for wedding venue. Or was that a reddit one??
originally wanted it in the dads home and invite his exwife and family whom dad and current wife had a restraining order against. They said no as couldn't allow anyone enter their home to use toilets.
grandparent steps in and offers their home as venue, sd reckons she needs to renovate grandmas home, orders daddy to pay bill of $10,000-20,000 and claims its his fault.
Plenty of these skids lack any social etiquette
This Skid is the poster child for the post birth abortion of
toxic adult children lobby.
Parents can and should parent until they depart their mortal
toil.
I am 58. Dad is 80, mom will be 78 on the 26th. Even now they will help me extricate my head from my ass when necessary.
I respect and honor them and consider their intervention on any Cranio-Rectitis flare ups I am having to be a valued learning experience.
It is sad when the products of failed families and failed parents are tolerated to continue interfering in the lives of others.
My husband, with all his
My husband, with all his faults, would never attend a wedding I wasn't invited to, no matter whose it was. I'd be SO PISSED. Very very disrespectful.