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SD NOT HAPPY with arrival of new sister!

dragonfly's picture

it's been 2 months since i had my first child (girl) and also 2 months since i logged in. a lot has happened since i logged in with SD and all due to the arrival of my baby girl. daddy denies that my SD is jealous of baby but it's obvious to me and other people. SD went to the hospital the next day baby was born and only took a peak at her and got away from the crib asap as if baby was a weird bug. did not say a word or happy facial expression at least by the way SD is 8 years old and daddy always involved her in my pregnancy and has never made her feel left out. even my nieces and other kids show more affection than her my 2 year old nice talks to me on the phone and asks for her cousin and when im about to leave my sisters house all 3 nieces ages 15, 7 and 2 go after the baby not wanting her to leave. and they always kiss her when we get there and when we leave.

SD laughs when baby cries and also mimics her when shes fuzzy.does not make a big deal when she sees her or even kiss her. when she leaves its the same thing does not say goodbye unless reminded by dad. my concern is that she might be hatting my baby because shes jealous and do something to her. 2 weeks ago i caught her trying to carry her when no one was there and as soon as i walked in the room she put her down. that scared the cr@# out of me cause she was in a tight place and could have dropped her. i was both scared and piss#$# off cause she does not even touch her when we are there but as soon as we leave her alone she goes and tries to carry her. and she never said why she was trying to carry her.. i need advice and similar stories...

smurfy1smile's picture

My kids have always accepted a new baby into the house. Now that there is a SS 4 months, the girls are thrilled to see him when we have him. My BD7 wants to hold the baby, change diapers, feed the baby etc. My BS16 wants nothing to do with the baby. I am pretty sure its the age so I am not concerned about it. Your SD is too young to picking up baby on her own. I would make attempts to get SD hold the baby when appropriate but sitting down on the couch with a pillow for support - like you have to use the bathroom, or to get a bottle or something to drink for yourself.

8 is a hard age for kids. I would just try to make the best of it and try to get her involved in some of the day to day care of baby. Teach her how to change a diaper if she is interested or feed the baby or just talk to the baby.

Congrats on your new addition!

Catch22's picture

On the new bubs. I know this can be a very hard transition for all of you. My BS was 13 and my SS was 10 when little man came along (now 2) I also had worries about SS being mean to baby when we weren't around. My BS was weary of the little creature at first but he is now like mini dad and loves the baby as much as we do. Is very protective and plays with him for hours on end.

SS has also come around and loves the baby too now. Our bubba just loves his big brothers and follows SS EOW and BS all the time. BS2 shows as much love for both and I think that makes all the difference is how much you include everyone with the baby. I started small by asking SS to watch him while I went to the loo or made a bottle..he would sit and watch him in his bouncer differently to when everyone was watching them. As he did new things we would call SS and say guess what BS2 did and although at first he didn't care now he gets excited too, especially when BS2 gabs on the phone to him every week. Good luck and be patient, it is a big change for each and every one of you. but toddlers are totally irresistably cute, you just try to keep her away from the bubs when she starts walking and talking and saying cute things...it will be impossible for her to stay cranky or unhappy with the bub.

Happier times will come, I am sure of it!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

kathleen's picture

Our situation turned very very ugly so in retrospect I often wonder what we could have done differently. So.

First, as much as a new baby needs 200% of your time, 300% should have been spend on Skids. Unrealistic percentages I realize. We should have spent lots of time, I mean LOTS of time loving on those step kids, encouraging them, supporting them, more time than we had the energy or interest in doing. I should have treated them like one of my own, bringing them to me to touch, to see, to hold the baby. I should have showed them how to treat a baby and I should have talked to them about the babies development. I should have shared my enthusiasm and not held it in in front of them. They needed more inclusion, love and acceptance to feel safe and unthreatened.

That was hard to realize, while I was watching them barf at the mere sight of my daughter. Go to my blog and you can see some of the stuff we went through with these kids and our baby. However, as hard as it was for me to see, they were children with undeveloped brains and emotions and they had absolutely no idea what was going on. Primitively they felt replaced and unloved so they took it out on the baby. We let it go on too long and well, our story is now history, my daughter is almost 3 years old. I hope you guys can turn things around now. Don't wait to see what happens, you are almost months behind.

Get an outside perspective if you need one. A counselor, that Rabbi from t.v. ( Smile )Talk talk talk and love on your SD no matter hard it may be.

Some wise old sage on her, oh where did Anne go?, said to me "fake it until you make it" Good words sometimes when they fit.

This is how I would "re-do" it if I had the chance. Good luck and pm me if you want to talk more.

That is my advice to you.

ColorMeGone2's picture

It's so hard sometimes to do, but we really have to put ourselves in our skids' mental and emotional place sometimes to get it. Think about it. Do we, as adults, have 100% control over OUR emotions? Nope. Do we always see things in a positive way? Nope. Do we always embrace change? Nope. Do we open our arms with pure acceptance when our lives are reconfigured against our will? Nope. Do we expect our kids and our skids to do these things we cannot always do? Yep, sometimes we do.

Humans are just highly evolved animals. Children are just less-evolved humans than we adults. There still exists in all of us some basic, primitive instincts. Don't we talk about women's intuition and how mothers just "know" things? Children have these basic, primitive instincts, too. An older child's instinct is to preserve the special bond with the parents, in spite of the arrival of a new sibling. Even if they are older children, why do we hold them to a standard that even we, as adults, cannot hope to achieve? We guide, yes. We set a good example, yes. We hope to teach them to do the right thing, yes. But we adults have our failings and so do our children and stepchildren. We can't really expect more of them than we expect from ourselves, can we?

So we parent them the best we can, whether we birthed them or not, and we try to set a good example for them. But we understand that we will fail, from time to time, and so will they. We do our best to give them what they need to find a level of acceptance they can live with, whether that's counseling, spending more one-on-one time with both the parent and the stepparent, helping them find their own place in their new sibling's life, whatever. We put safety measures in place to physically protect the helpless baby, but we also need to put safety measures in place to emotionally protect the older children who need that kind of protection just as much. Our babies are born to us with the primitive instinct that lets them know they are loved by us unconditionally. Our stepchildren have no primitive instinct that guarantees them that we love them the same way.

I agree. Skids do need some extra attention when a new sibling arrives and, ideally, before it arrives. They need to be invited to participate and made to feel welcomed, but not expected to be overjoyed by a new arrival. They need to be told it's okay that they're not crazy about getting a new half-sibling, that their feelings are normal and that we all love them regardless. They need to feel like they can come to us to work those feelings out and not be judged harshly for feeling something that's just basic human instinct. We aren't going to appease kids just by TELLING them they haven't been replaced, we have to SHOW them. Sometimes just a few, simple gestures can be massively reassuring to a skid. If there seems to be a serious mental/emotional issue that needs to be addressed in therapy, then so be it, but I think a lot of the jealousy issues can be prevented if we just lower our expectations a little, increase our attention to the skids a lot and just bide our time while everyone adjusts.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

dragonfly's picture

my question is "how long will it take for SD to accept new baby sister? she has been through this situation already with BM because she has a 4 year old sister. my husband and his parents have not been leaving her out. grandparents have been wanting her to spend the weekends with them and have been buying her stuff and taking her out to eat and tell her that she's the baby. my husband spends time with her when she's here and involves her with the baby stuff and i do the same.

does she need more attention than that to accept baby? does all the attention need to go to her instead of the baby? do we baby her once again?

ColorMeGone2's picture

If it's not getting better and just seems to be getting worse, then there's something else at play here. If she's not jealous of her mother's other child, then why would she be jealous of her father's other child? Is someone feeding her a line of crap? ("You won't be daddy's little girl anymore once the new baby comes.") If you're doing all the right things, and it sure sounds like you are, and it's still not getting better, then maybe she needs professional help. My skids had a few hiccups, but nothing major or long-lasting, when I was pregnant and by the time the baby arrived, they were thrilled. If she's not coming around, then you may need to investigate WHY with the help of a therapist or someone else she feels safe talking to. It doesn't make any sense that she would be fine with her mother's child, but not yours. I don't think you need to baby her. You certainly don't want her to regress any. And it sounds like she's getting plenty of positive attention. What does your gut tell you? If it tells you she's a danger to your child, which is what it sounds like to me, then she may need to see a professional.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Catch22's picture

About the skids being fed crap and that possibly being the reason for her behaviour. SS had a terible time trying to accept his new brother and we didn't know why either, until SS rang DH at work one day crying...whats up ss? Sobbing hard he says "mum told me that once the new baby comes you won't love me anymore, is that true dad?" What was she thinking!!!

BM even went as far as to add "you'll see" after her awful lies to SS. Someone tell me, who in a sane mind would actually hurt their own child that way, her blood!!?? That is something you would expect a real life evil SM to say to a skid...Not that we have any real ones here. Wink I for one would never dream but say anything, other than things that would make my boys feel better and more secure. Mothers who's bitterness to the DH or his wife, that extends to hurting her own child is a real pitiful excuse for a mother. I hate that Sad

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

dragonfly's picture

thanks crayon! that is exactly how i feel.. ever since she picked her up i've been paranoid and keeping an eye on her. my SD freaks me out cause one time that i left baby on my bed to get something from the kitchen i come back to find SD staring at baby from the door and as soon as get in her sight she walks away as if she had just done something wrong. im afraid to leave my baby alone when SD is home. and a lot of talking has been done and has not worked at all...what ever happened to the good old ways ... like being belted for doing something wrong ( and did i learn my lesson LOL)

dragonfly's picture

kids now days are bad beyond all reason and all due to the new psych way of living, which by the way obviously does not work.

dragonfly's picture

like Georgia said i think she is being told stuff either about me or the baby because no matter what we do she won't like me or the baby...

dragonfly's picture

i also think she is old enough to know what is right from wrong cause kids this age are not stupid they can play us like puppets even at a younger age. she just didn't like the fact that i came to her life and is just like her mom (psyco).

Elizabeth's picture

SD doesn't like BD4 or BD1, her half-sisters. She has two older half-sisters from BM. But I think, in her case, she had daddy all to herself. So even though she had to share BM with the other two, she didn't have to share daddy with anyone. Then BDs came along and she had to share and didn't like it. Plus, BDs get to live with mommy or daddy ALL THE TIME and SD does not.

unknown's picture

i agree with georgia. we included my SS12 in the mix as soon as we found out we were pregnant. we made him feel loved and even presented him with a 'gift' from the new baby when she was born. we have encouraged and gently promoted a bond to form between them...but so far he's not interested. i used to chalk this up to his age and the fact that he's a boy and in a selfish phase right now, but the other day he told me he wishes he were an only child so could have all the attention.

i was shocked, disgusted and yet sympathetic at the same time. this kid is NOT neglected. i repeat, NOT neglected. if anything, he is doted on too much by DH and DH's parents. it's rather pathetic at times. i didn't know what to say to this kid other than ' love is not a well that runs out. it's endless. just when you think there's none left, you look down the well,and there's more.' i asked him just what kind of attention he's looking for, and he had nothing to say. i asked him if he undersdtands the value of 'family' and that having siblings now may be a pain in the butt, but someday when they're all grown, they will be friends and they can lean on one another. he looked at me like i was from hell or something. i am not impressed with his attitude. i think what has happened in our situation is that the adults have laid the groundwork and have done a fine job of creating a spoiled and self centered adolescent. now that there's a baby in the picture, he cannot step outside of himself to see that the world is more than just about him.

i finally asked him....'how would you feel if your baby sister one day said SHE wishes she were an only child and that YOU didn't exist?' he looked pensive and i think he understood. but i give up.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

dragonfly's picture

im also at that point where i just want to give up but i can't because i hate feeling weird when SD comes home. she has the same attitude every time she comes home: follows dad everywhere, does not speak to me or him, does not care for her sister, stares at me with a look that says i want to kill you. i have rules in my house and i think that is what she hates besides me and her sister.

dragonfly's picture

when my friend had her baby girl and i went to visit her along with SD(8), my 2 nieces(7,2) and my sister she was all over the baby. my sister saw her reaction towards my friends baby, which was very overwhelming because she was almost on top of her and she was fighting with my 2 nieces cause she wanted the baby to herself.
when we left my sister said " when baby is born she is going to be all over her". well as we all now know it did not happen and now my sister wonders why she is not doing what she did with my friend's baby. i tell her it's because that baby was not going to live with daddy. or what else could it be???????

_Jess_'s picture

My SD10 hates my baby, and my baby isn't even born yet! Sad

I will not be leaving my baby alone with SD at all. Which should make for fun since we have custody of SD.

Elizabeth's picture

We were in the same situation. SD was 10.5 when BD was born. BM moved an hour away about six months later and left SD with us. I think it's second nature to keep your baby close to you anyway, and we had a small house. I always knew where SD was in relation to my BD. My only concern was that our bedroom was at one end of the house, then SD's room, then BD's. But I was breastfeeding (every two hours or so), so I was in there regularly at night. I think that kept SD from trying too much. And use a baby monitor!

dragonfly's picture

same here with SD only talking to me to ask "where is daddy or when is daddy getting out of work?

now that vacations are coming im not happy that SD will be spending them with us because i wont be able to leave baby alone even though i do have baby monitors. i just don't trust her and sometimes i feel bad about it but my baby comes first and i just can't help but have these feelings of distrust towards her.

when vacations come i will certainly be paranoid!!!! God forbid i tell my husband about me not trusting SD with baby he thinks that his dear oldest daughter loves her baby sister. to him just staring at the baby and touching (more like poking) her as if she was a weird bug is being loving and caring.. i don't know if he is that stupid to not notice or he is just trying to ignore that fact that my SD has zero affection towards her baby sister

Catch22's picture

DH tells me SS asks after me and if I say well SS doesn't like me so that won't happen!! DH says "he does like you, he likes you alot" I say oh really honey, were you abducted by aliens the day that SS stood here in front of us both and said " I don't know why, I just hate her" that was less than a year ago, maybe it's all changed now?? Nope hasn't changed, he still has rules and while there are rules for him, he won't ever like me..Heheh

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

unknown's picture

with the skids. children are unaware of how to handle their emotions and i don't trust that they can handle their actions under that kind of internal confusion. counselling, i believe would help. not that any dH's would agree to it.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

dragonfly's picture

ur right about both things my husband would not want to have her talk to a counselor

Nette5's picture

For the first year after my BS was born, all SS (then 7) would say is "Hi, What are you doing?" and things like that. The second year, all BS would say to SS is "Hi, What are you doing?" It made me laugh because he got what he gave. There have been a lot of times during the last 5 years that we have to remind SS that "This brother (my BS) is not as old as brother at your Mother's house."
We sometimes have to remind the big kids that "just because you have siblings at your mother's houses, "X" (BS) still misses you for the whole time you've been gone. HE still needs your time and love."
SS has a brother that is about 1 1/2 years older and a sister that is about 2 years younder than BS. SD has a brother 5 months older than BS.
At one point we took some papers and tore them in half to show the kids that 1) you are all made from 2 parents 2) you all share a part of who YOU are with ALL of your siblings and 3) we will love you no matter what.
Actually, I worry more now about how SD (9yr) treats BS because it seems like she has trouble seperating out which brother does what. When BS was little, she wasn't around much and when she was, she ignored BS.

dragonfly's picture

LOL! what's up with these men? im still trying to understand my husband who also says that SD loves me. im starting to think that the world he is living on is upside down.

Elizabeth's picture

My husband tries to tell me that SD15 just wants me to say I love her. Um, no. She treats me like crap. Doesn't speak to me, goes out of her way to avoid me, calls me retard, etc. How can I love someone like that?

SD is a master manipulator. At Christmas, she told my husband that she wanted to get me a charm for my necklace that depicts her. (After each of our two BDs was born my husband got me a charm with a little girl the color of their birthstones.) Instead, I got NOTHING from SD. But he feels bad because she WANTED to get me something. Not! She didn't get him a single thing for his birthday, not even a card.

frustratedinMA's picture

My DH does the SAME THING!!! the skids sometimes dont even say hi!!! They go through phases and pretend like I dont exist.. similiar to their BM.

dragonfly's picture

I WONDER IF THEY DO THE SAME THING WITH THEIR MOMMIES SO MANY BOYFRIENDS? WHOM SHE CALLS DADDY!!!

dragonfly's picture

well back to the subject... why do these kids think that daddy is for themselves for ever and ever? where do they get the idea that no other baby will come?? how come their mothers don't let them in to reality???

unknown's picture

everyone to love each other. but that is unrealistic. being a step mom is turning out to be one of the most unrewarding experiences of my life. i feel bad saying that, but i am being truthful. you give and you give and you get nothing back, and that's the best case scenario. sometimes you get back lots of negative stuff. and i'm not being selfish and a 'what's in it for me' scenario...but i have to admit, i never thought extending my heart and soul to someone else's child would turn out to be such a disappointing experience. anyway, whatever. like i've said before, disengage, disengage, disengage.... i've got enough to keep me busy and distracted to worry about what a 12 year old thinks of me anymore. i've tried and i'm done trying. i'm here to stay and so is your baby sister. get used to it.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

frustratedinMA's picture

I ask my dh that occassionally. Do you think if you were still married to their mom that you would put up w/XYZ??

That usually ends up being a rehtorical question!!! lol

dragonfly's picture

i also try to change things around for him and ask him what he would do if i was the one with a child from another man??? he does not what to say and the conversation is over but the next day it's back to the same sh!t?..

dragonfly's picture

i wonder if my hus ex babied my SD when her second daughter was born and if her bf was told to do the same thing and forget about his own daughter just so that my now SD's feelings wouldn't get hurt?
before my baby was born ex called my hus and told him to pick up my SD every weekend even though it's every other weekend before baby got here. her reason was that she wanted my hus to spend as much as he could with his daughter because once the baby was here she knew that he was not gonna give her the time she deserved.. now what that does tell us and makes us think? that she is telling my hus what to do, that she is telling my SD that daddy will not want her when baby comes, and that SD needs lots of attention...

dragonfly's picture

when i reminded my hus about the carrying incident and told him to talk to my SD again or just remind her that she is not supposed to carry baby he came up with an excuse as to why SD carried carried baby. he said that my SD carried baby cause baby was crying...my head just wanred to blow up..if she is a very smart kid and according to him she loves her sister then why didn't she call us to come and get her??? what the hell was she trying to? and that thought will forever be in my head and won't be comfortable when she is here

unknown's picture

SS12 told me the other day that he wishes he were an only child? i almost blew up. i told him how would HE feel if his baby sister (11 mos.) said SHE wishes SHE were an only child and that HE didn't exist? how selfish and ignorant and you're right. validating bad behavior is the problem. his dad and grandparents are behind this and have created this selfish little monster who believe the world 'owes him one.' they all treat him like he's so hard done by and that everyone (including me?) suck up him. i simply cannot. it's not even in my nature to do this. he will receive no misguided sympathy from me. well i guess call me the bad guy, but i am here to enlighten him. the world doesn't owe you a thing. it is YOUR job to make your way into the world and be a respectful and compassionate human being that takes responsibility for your own thoughts, words and actions. as this weekend draws nearer, i get more anxious. we have him EOW. i must find something to do with my daughter to keep me away from the house for awhile. i'm usually the one stuck in the house with him (while he surfs the internet for hours and hours on MY computer) while his dad is outside working or puttering around.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

dragonfly's picture

the only thing these people (BM, dad and grandparents) are doing to these kids is make them useless,ignorant and selfish.

CplStv's picture

Guesss What Girls, SFs get the same and worse, with SO's BKs, I get the same 'tudes, etc. from My Skids, at times, especially two of the six, basically 24/7.

When I Lived With My (B)Son and His Mother, I did stuff with Him Every Day, since He was born, even if it was basically just to say Hi, and Give Him a Hug before and after school, when I was working second shift, and sleeping when They were leaving in the morning, and Leaving for Work, when They got Home.

My (S)Kids 9-18 had Mommy from after school until Bedtime, for a couple years before Her and I got Together, so I can see where They Feel like I am "Taking Mommy Away From Them" when I want to spend time with Her, in the afternoon or evening, but when I was working First Shifts/any days/on call(Weekends Mandatory, and She works 2 Thirds and one First or Second almost every weekend, It's Hard To Stay Up Late, and Enjoy Time Together...especially since I prefer later start First or Second shift.

It's a normal thing for a kid to dislike Sharing Parental Attention/Time, with a younger sibling, Full, Half, or Step.
In Time We managed to adjust, but like several people have said, We Had NO CHOICE, if We didn't want to get Punished.

There have been myriad Issues between One or Both Of Us,and the Other BPs, and Each Kid, in just about any given combination, but We have managed to deal with it, to varying Degrees of Success, and Keep Working At It, Every Day.It's NOT EASY, but It CAN BE DONE...

Steve
Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL