A SD in need of advise
Hi there! I am new here. I am not even sure if this is the right forum. But its a forum for steps; and I have step related issues.
I am a SD. As a child I had a lot of rough issues, my parents struggled with addiction in my early childhood. But my dad was able to pull through and make a life for himself. He remarried and had a new family. My brother and I didn't fit into his new clean life. I am not going to say that we were easy teens. We struggled with anger issues, school issues and my brother even dabbled into drugs. Social Services got involved and my dad was givven the choice of sending us to foster care/group homes or taking us in. He chose the former.
Later on I tracked down my father because I was in a terrible group home and I wanted him to reconsider. My dad's wife called the cops on me. She claimed that she did not know me and that I was breaking and entering. I was arrested. Later the charges were dropped but I still remembered.
My brother and I were able to get our lives together somehow with no parental support. He joined the millitary and I went to university on scholarship and became a RN. I am married and have a daughter that I love so much.
About a year ago my father and his wife were trying to get into contact with me. One of there kids was very sick and was in need of a bone marrow transplant. They wanted my brother and I to get tested. Intially we both refused. How dare they after all that happened. They weren't a family to me and my brother when we needed one but expect us to be a family to them. My husband is a orthopedic surgeon, and he thought I was being selfish for not considering the fact that I could be the last hope for the kid. It played on my emotions as a mother and I decided to get tested. My brother refused to speak to me for a good month after the decision. But he isn't a parent I do not expect him to understand.
It turned out I was a match. So I underwent the procedure. I just asked them, in exchange for the bone marrow that they stop contacting me and go back to pretending that I do not exist. My husband took over as the middle man in our communications. My dad's wife found out when I was doing the procedure and tried to hug and kiss me and brought a thank you card and some stationary gifts for my daughter. I ignored her and told my husband that I would file harasment charges against her if she continues "stalking" me. I guess I am writing this because my husband thinks I am being selfish by not letting my dad and his family see our daughter. My dad has apparently been asking. Apparently the child wants to meet me and thank me for saving her life. It is causing tension in our marriage. My husband grew up quite sheltered and happy so he doesn't understand. Am I being selfish and unforgiving or am I justified?
Nobody can make this decision
Nobody can make this decision for you....and nobody has the right to judge you for whatever decision you do make.
I don't think that you are being selfish, and one can forgive, without letting someone back into their life.
You have to do what YOU are comfortable with.
It was a very honorable thing that you did.
Am I being selfish and
Am I being selfish and unforgiving or am I justified?
I don't think you're being selfish. What you did was selfless and helped the family a great deal. I do think your H, Father, and SM are not being understanding to your wishes and they keep crossing boundaries that you very much want and deserve. H, Father and step mother should honor your requests and be grateful that you were able to add to their life in such an impactful way. Your boundaries continue to get violated and your H not understanding this is causing conflict in your marriage. He's never been in your shoes so he needs to step back, not judge, and be objective in all this.
You completed your part in all this, now everyone can sit the heck back and move on. Wishing you a speedy and healthy recovery.
Given The Circumstances, You Did The Right Thing
Knowing your background, I can only imagine how difficult this choice must've been for you, but you did do what you felt was right, and what you could live with. Do not expect your husband to undestand becausehe came from an entirely different upbringing.
Now that what's done is done. Create healthy boundaries, and if you truly do not want to be contacted, be solution focused, and block their numbers, eliminate their profiles on social media, if they are on it, and create a barrier around yourself, so you are not plagued with contact you don't want.
Only you have to live with your decisions.
You did a wonderful thing, by the way. I have to say from what I know about SD's you are definitely the exception and not the rule.
I'm curious how bad you were
I'm curious how bad you were as teens to be sent to a group home, and if you had a history before going to one if you had tried breaking into (or out of) your father's home and stealing from him and his wife. Kids don't just get sent to foster care. There have to be established concerns, and my guess is that you were MUCH worse than you remember.
Now, do I agree that your dad should have sent you into foster care? I'm iffy. If he was newly sober and his wife was his support system, and she was threatening to leave because she couldn't handle you and your brother, he may have thought sending you to foster care was better than him being a single father who couldn't maintain his sobriety and prevent you two from following in his footsteps. Or, he truly was awful and wanted a fresh start and he kicked you to the curb. I'll say that happens far less than society would have you believe; there are usually other factors.
Does any of this mean you should forgive and forget? No. You don't have to. You can cut them out and your DH needs to recognize that this is YOUR family lineage and YOU get to make that decision, just as he gets to with his family.
It's perfectly fine to frame it to your DH that you were the donor because the child needed it, and no child should suffer because of their parents and their genetics. You can say the same to your brother. You did a selfless act, no matter who it was for. No one gets to demonish you for not giving more.
BUT, if you ever think you want to reconnect with this part of your family, you need to do a little soul searching and see where your behavior may have led to part of this estrangement. You don't have to take responsibility for it all, just your part. You father has to take responsibility for the bulk of this, for his failing as a parent - for choosing to have kids when he wasn't sober with a woman who was a poor mothee. Then you also have to be open to changing your view on what you know and realizing there may be more to the story than you know. Maybe your dad tried to get you back, or tried to stay in contact, or paid child support to DCS for your care (that does happen), but you never knew. Maybe he was told it was best for you to let you go entirely by DCS.
If You have no issue with cutting them off, then do that. Tell your DH that he needs to come to terms with your decision in regards to your family. Tell your brother that you did it for an innocent child, and you'd do it again if asked. If they don't like those answers, consider family counseling with them.
If, however, you feel the need to extend an olive branch to your father, do so with a mediator or counselor so that you both can express your sides in a controlled manner.
You are not being seflish
Congrats to you and your brother for getting your lifes together. Just remember that your dad and his wife only contacted you to get something from you. I dont see where your dad has tried to make amends.
Tell your DH you had a tough life, and he has to put you ahead of your dad and SM, that you have done enough.
I didn't mention it in my
I didn't mention it in my earlier post but it bothers me that they only contacted because their child was sick. I sometimes feel used. I am only wanted back because I saved the wanted child. For so many years I have been embarassed by my lack of family. When you dream as a little girl, you see your father walking you down the aisle or the father daughter dance; I had none of that.
My university graduation I had no family in attendance. My brother was deployed and couldn't come. I didn't even want to go but he and my friends convinced me to go. Everyone had their parents and family to take pictures and I didn't. That HURT even to this day.
I am so sorry
Of course you feel used, you are being used. It shows that you are the bigger person, but everyone has to understand there are limits.
I even wonder, did neither your dad or SM match for the procedure? Of did they not want to go through a painful procedure? You are a nurse, you know more than I do, would they have to give up various substances to be a donor? Were they not willing to do that?
They did not match with their
They did not match with their child. Honestly a child gets 1/2 their HLA gene from both parents. Parents are unllikely to have the same HLA gene. Full sibling have a 25% chance. It is even less than that for half-siblings. It was a lucky match.
Personally, I think you have
Personally, I think you have every right to shut the door on your past, including your father.
Chances are, he never would have contacted you, if not for his sick kid.
That question, would he have
That question, would he have contacted me or thought of me if not for his sick kid bugs me. But, to tell you the truth I am afraid to know the answer.
Did he know you were going to college?
Did he offer to help in any way, even small? Did he ask about graduation? Did you let him know about that or your wedding? Did his wife apologize for calling cops on you?
I think you know the answer
Wow those questions sprang
Wow those questions sprang water to my eyes. I had a social worker who I credit to helping my brother and I get our lives on track. She had all the contacts for my dad. She encouraged me to tell my dad about the graduation. I told her no, I didn't want to do that and he not come; I told her she can tell him if she wants. She came to my graduation. I asked her if she ever told him; up to this day she refuses to answer.
I didn't invite to my wedding for that reason. I wanted to be happy and not drag up the past.
AGain, I am very sorry
I think you know the answer.
let the past stay in the rear view mirrow. Tell your brother, you saved a life and you would do it for a stranger.
Tell you DH, these are people who take and do not give, and you will only get hurt again.
If you were just horrible as
If you were just horrible as a kid like you said....maybe your dad had no choice.People can only take so much from others before they have look out for themselves. People change......You clearly changed and your dad isn't the same person he was back then. Maybe this was a way for a fresh start for everyone.
and maybe, just maybe that little person whose life you helped save will become someone who adores you and who you adore and you may get to a point where you are so happy that this circumstance brought you together as family.
She said she struggled with anger and school issues
And her dad had his own issues. I dont see her so horrible. I see no reason for her to connect with people who have nothing to give, and only take.
May I ask why you don't
May I ask why you don't mention anything about your mother/stepdad (if there was one?) Did she remarry and have more kids? I guess I'm wondering where your mom was in all of this dysfunction or if you carry any of the negative feelings towards your father the same with her? What's your relationship w/her now like?
I am more upset with my dad
I am more upset with my dad because he sobered up. My mother was an addict but she visited us, when they took us she would sometime walk us to school. It was our little secret because she wasn't supposed to do that. Unfortunately though she died of an overdose.
Again, I am so sorry
and I am so impressed for your overcoming all of this. You have not had an easy life, and you must impress on DH that unless he has counseling, he cannot understand this. Perhaps your old social worker could meet with him. You, your brother, your DH are on a journey, and may need help. Your dad and his family will need to find there way with the help you have given, the bone marrow donation, but they must accept that is it.
People who grew up
People who grew up in normal families simply can not understand what it is like to grow up in that kind of dysfunction. They love you so they will try. But "mom and her sister would always squabble over holiday dinners and didn't talk to each other for a month" just doesn't come close when they are trying to relate. What they don't understand about the day to day interaction, the wounds that never really heal, and the hidden culture of poverty, substance abuse, and foster care that lingers in your mind even when you have money in the bank, would fill every swimming pool in their lovely cul-de-sac.
You do what is best for you and your sanity. You know what could happen if you let them in to your world.
You are definitely not being
You are definitely not being selfish by not letting yur dad and his family see your daughter. What might be understandable though is that the child you saved wants to say thank you. If you don't want to do it - don't. But you might find that in meeting her, you and she are able to find a family connection that you've wanted but not got from anywhere else.
May you find peace as you
May you find peace as you move forward in your life.
I always look at situations
I always look at situations like this with my crazy family and ask myself “will I regret not contacting this person?”
I’d be on the other side. I have older half siblings that never contacted me until after my dad died. He was abusive, much more so to them than to me. They knew this, they may have been able to help me through my reckless teen years, since they lived it. I really don’t care to go out of my way get to know them, I’m more focused on my family. Maybe had they come around when I was younger and actually acted like family it would have worked out.
What about a burn letter?
I feel like you need to write this all out in a letter to your Dad and SM. Maybe you send it after time and some editing. Or maybe you don't.... entirely up to you.
In the letter, I would want to ask questions. Where has your Dad been? Why he not reach out sooner? Is he aware of what you've accomplished and when? But that's me.... I'd want to know. Even if you choose not to have a relationship with him, do you think that would put some of this to rest for you?
As for your husband... maybe the same? Maybe you really write out what happened, and what kind of pain it caused you? Maybe you see a counselor together? I dont' think he can even begin to understand what you went through. No one really can. But I would ask him to respect your choice and not push you. You had a hard enough life growing up; no need to have someone pressure you to heal if you aren't ready.
Will the child need more
Will the child need more treatments in the future?
I have no idea. I do not know
I have no idea. I do not know what the course of treatment is or anything. All I know is that engraftment has taken place which mean that the body transplant itself was a success.
I find it hard to believe
I find it hard to believe that your father was given that kind of choice without any reprecussions. A parent would generally be charged with abandonment or having to pay for the foster care through child support. How is SM thanking you stalking? Why didn't your father thank you? Amazing that you just happened to be a bone marrow match for a half sibling. Pretty rare. That's an odd thing to do to get someone to stop talking to you. Seems like blocking them on your phone would have been easier. Dis is some high drama.
There were criminal issues
There were criminal issues that lead to social services getting involved in the family. My brother and I were on their radar for years before due to my parents addiction. There was a plan for reconnection for us to go back into his home with him. However, he did not stick to the plan and it was not due to addiction. I know this because he passed drug tests and so on for his other legal troubles. He did not show up to scheduled court hearings or visitation. He gave up on the plan. It wasn't a person giving him a choice saying take them or we'll take them. It was his refusal to work with the social worker that lead to that.
I specifically asked to be left alone. If you try to figure out where someone is going to be who has asked you to leave them alone you are salking them. As to why my dad was not at the little ambush; I have no clue, he never had a backbone and I guess it shows how poorly made he is. I have not spoken to them, my husband who has a bleeding heart has been the one speaking to them.
I agree it is a less than 25% chance to be a match for a half sibling. I was surprise by that too. I do not know if you know this but you do not have to be an exact match to be a bone marrow donor. Most times people can survive getting a close match. The doctor may not even tell you whether the donor was a close or exact match. In fact you can try out several close matches if there are rejections; which I suspect was probably the case for this particular child. It is a very interesting read if you have time. It is quite facinating how the science works.
You're taking out all your
You're taking out all your anger on your SM and your husband. If you really want to lash out then do it at the proper people, Mom and Dad.
If this is a true story, then the only fault I find with your SM is that she has poor judgement and should never have gotten involved with an addict and his broken family.
Get some therapy please.
For all practical purposes
For all practical purposes this child is a stranger to you. I was on a bone marrow potential donor list until I aged out. Had I matched I would not have found it necessary to have a relationship with the person who I donated too.
I am not a big believer in “blood” conquers all. I do not feel any obligation to include anyone in my life because we share a little DNA. Feel free to go on with your life.
The child can write you a thank you note. I think it might be too much of a burden to ask a child to accept a new sister and to have eternal gratitude for her saving their life.
I understand where you stand
I understand where you stand on all of this and I agree with you. You stepped up and did a good thing. That does not absolve your BioFather and his wife of their toxic crap over the years.
Time to rein in your DH and let him know that he is not to contact them. They are not a part of your life including having access to your DH and child.
My only similar family situation is that my dad has an older half brother. My granddad never believed that child was his and his first wife divorced my granddad after he caught her carousing on several occassions. The half brother is quite a bit older than my dad which probably puts him dead by now. Periodically over the years he would show up at my grandparent's home to inventory their assets and on more than one occassion he was run off by my shotgun toteing grandmother. An interesting story to hear considering the half brother was in the FBI.
After my granddad died we moved my GM to be near us so we could see her regularly. When she moved several large steamer trunks were delivered to my house and were in my garage for a number of months. I ended up going through them. One was full of my grandad's personal paperwork including a stack of letters from his eldest son. Those were flaming vitriol filled rants on yellowed brittle paper. My dad never has had any desire to know the guy. He told me to pitch the stack of letters in the garbage. So I did.
Blood does not necessarily make family.
Take care of you.
Nobody truly "wins" in the
Nobody truly "wins" in the step game. It's hard for EVERYONE, and I truly admire you for the procedure you went through for your fathers' "other family." You are brave and not selfish. However, why did you rebuff your Dad's wife's affections? Because she called the cops on you when you were young? Which, exactly, wasn't clarified- were you staying in the house and she did that? Did you try to sneak in in the middle of the night? Were you doing out of control things and defying their rules? Teenagers aren't easy - and the little bit of history you've given show that you probably had some hurdles to overcome that would have been hard even for biological parents to handle, much less a step parent. And again, I admire you for overcoming those, too. However, if you aren't going to be accepting of your step mother, then it's going to be very hard for you to emotionally accept your "other family," as well as even truly accept that you have done a wonderful thing saving someones' life. If I were you, and I'm saying this as someone who is a mom, step mom, child and step child - try to let the guard down in your heart - towards EVERYONE. Who you are now isn't who you were 20 years ago, and vice versa for other people, too. A visit for everyone to meet and be thankful won't physically hurt anyone, and might bring closure to those involved, including you. If it goes any farther can then be something you can truly reflect on. Good luck!