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JY's picture

Hello Everyone,

I am posting this entry because, I would like everyone's opinion.
Yesterday, fiancee asked SD to do her notebook entry. Basically she has
to write an entry about what she did over the weekend but, one entry per day.
Fiancee asked me to check the spelling on the two entries she had done so far.
Of course SD had alot of misspelled words and the sentences didn't make any sense but,
that is a whole other subject.
What I did notice in SD's entries, SD only mentions my Bio-daughter which is her step-sister
and Fiancee.
At no moment did she mention me as a participant in any of the activities we did for the
last two days.
Should I be concerned? Could this be because, she knows when she goes home her mom is going
to view her notebook and since SD know's how her mother feels about me she avoids mentioning
me.

Thank you

Most Evil's picture

I am also often 'invisible' to my SD despite me being the one that makes sure we have done all the things we have been able to do for her.

It may be to protect her mom's feelings, it may be feeling of rivalry with you for time with her dad, it may be she sees your daughter as the highlight of her weekend or it may be that she wants to deny your existence because you are the living example that her parents are divorced and will not reconcile. There may be more reasons but who knows?

Try not to take it too personally, it is just the stepmom role, great huh?!! Smile

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

JY's picture

Thank you for your input. I don't want to take it personally but, I am trying to analyze the situation as I always do. What confuses me the most is actions speak louder then words and if I base her actions she and I have a great relationship. I enjoy myself when she is here occasionally, I wonder about her because, I feel like she seems like another person. Its like having two personalities and I just can't really figure her out. It gets really confusing for me do you know what I mean? I think my problem is I try to understand people all the time and I just want to understand why they say or do certain things. Is that something that is possible?

melis070179's picture

Depends...how old is she? How long have you been with her father? Does she act like you don't exist at any other times?

Just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you SHOULD

JY's picture

SD is 10 years old. I have been with her father for 2 years and four months. I don't know if this is another example but, while I was driving SD told father when she gets older she wants him to take her to see the Statue of Liberty. She didn't say, "Dad when I get older can you take us to the Statue of Liberty." I would think had she said it that way it would be acknowledging me and my daughter's existence.
Honestly, my daughter has never ever said anything like that to my boyfriend. If anything she says,"can we go to the movies?, can you guys take me shopping?
Another thing I noticed about SD is the day we went trick or treating her father stood home giving out the candy because, he wanted to give the kids that came one candy each. I told him he was being cheap and I didn't want to be a part of it. He then told me to take SD and my daughter trick or treating around the neighboring houses. Alot of people weren't home so, it wasn't much fun but, at one point she said, "can we go back home and trick or treat where my father is." I told her we will go back home soon. Honestly what went through my mind at that moment is if you didn't want to come with us, me and my daughter would have been okay with it. I didn't say that but, I sure was thinking of it. Had my daughter said that to me I would have clearly stated if you didn't want to come you could have stood home no one is obligating you.
Honestly, I don't go anywhere with SD because, I fear an false allegations from her mother. I don't have time or the patience to go to court to address any false allegations, I have to work. I also enjoy working so, I prefer her father is with us at all times. If her father wants to do something alone with SD I don't have a problem with that either.

TheBrightSide's picture

We have SD8 50/50. She is required to write in a school journal and her parents are to alternate writing her back. She's been doing this since 2nd grade. She has never once mentioned me in the journal, although this school year, my DH mentions me in his entries.

Example, last Easter, my DH and I set up a treasure hunt for her and bought her treats, including a Hannah Montana clock for her room (which I pickted out and bought, incidently). She wrote about it in her journal..."my Dad made a treasure hunt and bought me a clock".

My SD and I have a decent relationship, and get along for the most part. Its certainly a journey and honestly, I don't ever expect to get treated with the same respect as she treats her parents. So be it. Any effort I give to her, I've learned not to expect anything in return.

I'll love and have the love returned from my own child when I have one....that's what I look forward to.

JY's picture

Maybe I am being too sensitive but, when you are a geninuely kind and sensitive person, you question the actions. Maybe I just need to accept things as they are and like you not expect any acknowledgement for any gesture done from my behalf.

stepmasochist's picture

You wrote: "where's dad" (when he moves out of their peripheral vision.

What's with that? I get that a lot too. Are they that deathly afraid of being left alone with us?

JY's picture

When SD ask me about her Dad I wonder the same thing. I feel like I am being questioned as a parent. Like I don't know how to take care of kids. I think I have done an amazing job with my own bio-kid.

JY's picture

OMG! I can't stand when SD ask me where her dad is? Its like weren't you here a few minutes ago and you saw your dad leaving. Apart from leaving you heard him saying why he was leaving? Sometimes I feel like she is having a Jessica Simpson moment. It's like you know the answer but, you choose to ask the dumb question.
The other thing I can't stand is when I am leaving alone SD will ask me where I am going? My own bio-daughter doesn't question me like why are you questioning me. I think this don't actually say it.

Cheyenne Arizona's picture

I would not force the issue as I am sure she is struggling herself inside in a way she can't verbalize. It sounds like, to me, that she is trying to protect everyone - you, her and her BM. You by not making you a target of hate, her by not having to listen to it from BM, and BM from having her feelings hurt. If it were me I would say something very vauge like

I noticed that you really had a good time this weekend doing __________. I am so glad you had fun and I really enjoyed doing that with you. I hope that it is okay with you that I go with you when the family ____________.

Something like that, that reassures her that she is important to you and you value her feelings.

Hope my thoughts are of some help...........

TheBrightSide's picture

BM and DH have been separated since SD8 was 5 1/2. Last year when she drew her "family" for school, it included her Dad, her Mom and herself.

DH considers SD8 and me, "his family". I consider DH and SD8 "my family"...but SD8 considers only her mom and dad her family. It hurts, but it is what it is.

Again, I've learned to try not to expect too much because then I'm only disappointed. When she does something fanatastic, like be sweet to me.....I enjoy it for the moment, but certainly don't ever expect it to last, because soon enough, she's rude and disrespectful.

My relationship with SD8 is certainly a one way street. She didn't ask for it. All I can do is be kind and sensitive to her, but because she doesn't consider me "family"...i tend not to consider her my responsibility. It makes no difference to me, how she "turns out", because I have very little input in it. My DH has no idea how much I don't say when it comes to SD8, because she's not my responsibility.

Another thing with Skids is that they will always fear the loss of love of their parents, and that's their impetus to be loving/respectful to them (even though a biological parent can be a total shit)...however, they do not fear loss of love from Step Parents. They can be kind to us one day and total a-holes to us the next, because they don't fear losing our love.

The sooner we accept that these skids are not our responsibility, the happier we will be.

JY's picture

I try to have the idea SD isn't really my responsiblity but, it is hard. I just can't live
with the idea of seeing something wrong from any kid and not saying anything to the kid. It
just isn't me.