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SD all of a sudden hates me

boots415's picture

I posted this in another forum. I hope that's ok??? I'm just looking for as many opinions/suggestions as I can get.

I have been in my SD's life for 7 years. She's now 17 years old. I've always been close to her (or so I thought). We watched certain TV shows together, went to movies, looked up colleges and scholarships, went prom dress shopping. All sorts of things. A few months back, we found out she wasn't doing her schoolwork and was failing multiple classes. My husband got after her and told her she would be grounded all summer. (This was about the 3 or 4th time she's done this.) It was like someone flipped a switch, and she turned into a different kid overnight. She left the house while my husband and I were both at work. We didn't know where she was. It turns out that she called her mom to come get her. (We had full custody.) She's now living w/ her mom full time. She said she hates me and her dad. She said I am not her family. She said she was always uncomfortable and miserable at our house. All sorts of really nasty stuff. She came over to our house a few mos ago while I was at work. They talked about things a little bit. He told her that she was wrong and that I didn't deserve any of that. She told him she regrets everything she said and did. He told her it's up to her to reach out and make amends to me. When she said she didn't know how to, he told her to start by opening up the lines of communications. I thought maybe she'd text me to get the ball rolling, but I never heard from her.

Since school started, we've gone to some of her sporting events. It's much easier for my husband to forgive her, because of the whole unconditional love thing. It's not so easy for me. The hard part for me is that in my head I know that it's his daughter and he will love her no matter what. But my heart hurts, because I feel like any time he talks to her (which is rare) or we go to one of her events, it's like telling her that what she said/did is no big deal. It's like giving her permission to treat me that way. Part of me feels betrayed by the fact that he still wants to see her and talk to her. I know that's not right to think that way, but I can't help it. I'm sorry this is so long. I guess I'm just looking for help in how to deal w/ not feeling betrayed.

boots415's picture

Thank you for offering advice in a kind manner. That is what i'm looking for. Not for people to be mean and nasty.

boots415's picture

What do you mean "pretend to be an adult"? My husband and I work opposite shifts, so we don't have a lot of time together. When the weekend rolls around, we like to spend time together. We actually enjoy each other's company. I have the whole week by myself to do whatever activities I want. I go w/ him to these events to show my support for HIM. This situation is difficult for him too. He can forgive her, but that doesn't mean it's easy and that what she said/did doesn't hurt him.

Did you even read what I wrote? I never said I tried to be her best friend. Not at all. I was listing some of the things we did together to give some background information and show what type of relationship we had. I also never said I expected her to behave consistently and maturely. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest, but I don't want her to hate me either.

Disillusioned's picture

Unfortunately this is a fairly common step situation

Try to forgive the girl, she probably was miserable while living with you and your DH - and that does not mean you caused that - it's just sometimes a very difficult situation for skids

I once had what I thought was a fantastic relationship my with older SD. She moved in with us fulltime just before turning 17. I thought we had an awesome relationship. Then, seemingly overnight it all changed. Just like the situation with your SD

My SD who we thought adored me suddenly made it clear she hated me. I was very much like you. In total denial at first. I was so confused! So hurt. Eventually I was angry and figured she was just, evil.

Finally, I realized what she was was hurt. Not over anything I had done. She was jealous and insecure about my relationship with her father. She felt her father loved me more, that she had moved to second place with him, when she had always believed she was #1

That may not be why your SD is miserable, but whatever the reason, trust her when she says that she was miserable. As difficult as this is, don't be angry about it. Let go of your hurt and your disappointment.

Yes it feels like betrayal when your DH goes to visit her, after how hurt and walked over you feel. I know. I felt this way too, and often still do when my DH phones OSD to ask how she's doing, how the sgkids are doings, and carries on as if she isn't a nasty, game-playing bitch to me on the occasions we see her

I remind myself that she is angry, hurt and jealous. And that she is still DH's daughter, he still loves her, and yes easily forgives this behaviour because of that. Especially because deep down he knows it stems from her unhappiness with the whole divorce/step-situation

Doesn't make her behaviour right, nor your SD's behaviour, but does help to understand and hopefully forgive.

Your DH has addressed it with her. That's good. She hasn't followed though. That's disappointing. But, I think at this point just let it go. She had made her feelings known. So, take care of your heart too. Be polite, be kind when you see her, but don't think there is more to your relationship with her than there is. And don't be too hard on your DH for still wanting a relationship with her. It's understandable.