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SD 19 making choices while living with Dad that BM doesn't like

LittleT's picture

SO's daughter is 19 and senior in high school. Will attend college next year. Visits her mom out of state for 1/2 the summer. SD wanted to take a summer class past year which meant she had to cut her visit 2 weeks short. BM got upset with SO over this. BM is not a big believer in importance of education after High School but SO is and SD *wants* to go to college and *wanted* to take the summer class (knowing it would shorten her visit with BM).

I understand BM's disappointment, however, SD is getting older and pursuing more education by her choice, plus she is an adult now (lives with SO while still attending school)

BUT I don't understand why BM blames SO as her SD made the choice knowing the consequences. SD is an adult now, shouldn't BM be talking to SD instead of blaming SO? I'm guessing maybe she wanted SO to demand SD not take the class? As an adult, isn't this on the SD if she choses to shorten her visit just ONE time to take a class, not my SO?

LittleT's picture

Do you think SO should talk to both BM and SD to tell them to talk to each other more about things like this since she is an adult now? I think part of the issue is also that the daughter still is happy for "Dad" to take care of these things with her mom. Even though SD is an adult, she is too dependent on SO at times (he is working on making her more independent).

hereiam's picture

If he wants to help her become more independent, he can start with not being the go between anymore, SD can handle things with her own mother.

My DH has not spoken to BM since my SD24 was 18.

LittleT's picture

Thank you. I wanted to be sure I wasn't being too pushy with my thinking this is how it should be.

notasm3's picture

BM's unhappiness and disappointment should be as meaningless to your DH as my happiness or unhappiness (a total stranger). She should be a non-entity in his life at this point UNLESS he wants to maintain a relationship with her. And that would piss me off.

He doesn't have to talk to her - ever. He certainly can be polite and civil with a few words if their paths cross. But he absolutely does not have to listen to her bitch him out.

Last In Line's picture

She is 19 and once she graduates, the parenting time is a done deal. She will be a full-fledged adult and if she wants to completely skip time with mom, there's not a darn thing BM can do about it. All DH needs to do is remind her of that, and let her take it up with SD.