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Scary situation with teen stepson

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

I am at a loss and about to have a nervous breakdown. My husband and I have a toddler together and he has a 16 year old son? ( Paternity never established- not on birth cert. No custody,child support and has only seen him for a couple of weeks a few time.  I first met skid on our wedding day. He stayed for a couple of weeks and this was five years ago but he already had a porn addiction for several years. Besides that igot along with him as I was the one caring for hi while my husband worked. Our son hadn't been born yet. 

It was manageable. Dec 2023 he came for a.visit and never left. I was not consulted. I had to homeschool him because he was afraid he would get beat up. ( He has anti - social issues. I am a teacher but took a leave. He refused to do the work, lied about everything constantly, called me horrible names and was generally a nightmare. I could deal with all that  Then, I went on an errand one day and when I came back my son was screaming in pain. Long story is skid hurt my toddler. I lost it. CPS put a safety plan in place and I got a restraining order so the case would be closed. My husband wanted to just ignore the order but I called skids mom and told her she needs to get her kid or he would be going somewhere else Right months of hell I endured. Most of it i kept quiet. It didn't matter because my husband would not parent him or listen. Skid  had been tormenting my son the whole time, talki g about how he was going to kill him graphically and going into his room at night. My son also kept saying" ___________, don't hurt my butt."  Husband says it wasn't sexual like that makes it ok. Now he drops the bomb that he wants to bring him back here. I feel that I cannot budge on this issue. I should also point out that he is planning on doing this behind Bio moms back when he has no custody and is not on the b.c. That is kidnapping across many states.

I need help. I'm scared. I want to work on our family still recovering from this not go blow the whole thing up.

Not to mention the economic fiasco or my littles ones and their stability. Going to see if a counselor can help but any ideas on how I can keep this from getting w

 

Kes's picture

I don't really understand why you thought it OK to leave your toddler with this porn-addicted, anti social misfit who threatened your son with death? Also, I do not believe it was "not sexual".  Any toddler yelling "don't hurt my butt" means their genitals, I suspect. 

If your husband doesn't agree to abandon the plan to have his awful son live with him, then you and your son should move out. How in heaven's name can it get any worse?  

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

I never left him alone. Husband does not realize this is not a normal situation, a normal teen could handle that 

I took him to the doctor and doing counseling and I got the restraining order. I must protect my child but the only family I have is my kids. 

 

Dollbabies's picture

with your little one if you weren't there? 

2Tired4Drama's picture

OP said, "I went on an errand one day and when I came back my son was screaming in pain."

AgedOut's picture

No is the only word you need to say. "No, he will never be under my roof" "No I will not allow my child to be near him" "No, I will not  change my mind" "No I will not let you sneak him back in." 

 

If your husband brings his son near your child again, he needs to go too. if he tries, call the police. your job is to protect your child. 

ESMOD's picture

Hill to die on.  Also get your child assessed for possible signs of physical abuse.

Your obligation to protect your child trumps you being in a relationship with your SO.. He needs to hear that in certain and clear terms.

You will not bring your son into our home.  You can visit with him outside the home.. if you want to get a place to stay with him, that is your choice but this home is not an option. period.  

CajunMom's picture

having your child assessed for abuse, both by a medical doctor and a qualified therapist. A child doesn't say "don't hurt my butt" without there being a REAL reason. 

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

Sais the skid admitted to kicking him and " he was talked to", I would not bring my kids home until he was gone.

Husband was fully ok with violating the order just like he is ok with buying a plane ticket and ubering a kid that he does not have any rights to our home where he cannot be 

I was told I'm overreacting and it was just a sibling fight.I think this is how those true crime stories come to be  I can't ignore all the warnings and my husband already hates me for making him leave. Skid ( really fits if you can't wipe right lol- humor is how I survive) is giving my husband the story that mom abandoned him. I checked into it and it's not true. He is with her ex ( she is a drug addict) and he asked to be there, because he has his own room. Skid calls and says he has no food, etc. Again, I welfare checked this and talked to the guy. Lies. Husband just has his ears closed anytime you say anything about it.

Feel very alone and just shaky. 

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

"...because he has his own room."

Is SS sharing a room with other kids (your toddler) when he is with you?

You also said...

"Again, I welfare checked this and talked to the [SS]"

You double-checked the conditions at BM's house and talked to the SS about his welfare? After you believed he had sexually assaulted your toddler?

 

Rags's picture

Re-fresh the RO/PO and inform DH that if his non-kid sets foot in  your home or near your child that the shit spawn is gone to the hotel with the bars on the windows and doors.

That your DH has his head this far up his own ass is beyond mind boggling.  His toddler terrified that this POS kid will "hurt his butt" when this POS has a  history of assaulting your child and a known porn addiction, if that was my non-kid who had perpetrated that againsy my toddler, that spawn would be gone and fertilizing a pig farm somewhere after the pigs consumed him.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Lemme guess, your DH tells you you are overreacting. Being hysterical. But, you are under-reacting. You need to protect your toddler from this porn-addicted abuser. Maybe the abuse is sexual, maybe not. Does it matter in terms of protecting your kid? He needs to he protected from ALL various subtypes of abuse. Your DH will not protect him. Your DH can't be bothered to even find out if he is the father of this disturbed kid he insists on having in your home without giving you a choice. Your toddler needs to be protected from both your husband and his ex's son. 

Yesterdays's picture

Protect your toddler. Move out and away from the both of them. Step son is dangerous for obvious reasons and spouse is dangerous because he allows the stepson around you and your toddler. I would move far and get a restraining order.

Your toddler is your top priority. You cannot trust your step son or your partner. What would happen if you're not around???  You can't be with your toddler 24/7. What if you go to the bathroom? Any amount of time he's alone with your step son there is possibility of abuse. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Your first priority is your child. Your not-so-D H is in denial AND he is a terrible parent. It's not your place to raise his and BM's perverted hooligan.

I advise a counselor for you and your toddler. I advise a lawyer to protect you both.

  • Tell your H his maybe-son is not allowed near your child. Period.Dot.
  • Get a Restraining Order. This is crucial. Because if you leave/divorce your H, you need to make sure SS cannot be around your child during H's visitation time.

CajunMom's picture

As a survivor of childhood sexual and physical abuse, I am over here SCREAMING, NOOOOOO! Do not let that pedophile back into your home. In fact, I'd have your DH removed from the home. Call the police, tell them your DH is planning to vioate a RO that is in place via CPS and you don't feel safe nor do your child(ren) feel safe. And state WHY.

One of the saving graces in my life and healing from my abuse was the fact, when my mom found out, the stepfather was kicked to the curb. And at a major cost to her financially but she did not care...she cared her husband was abusing her three girls. 

YOU are the only one who can protect your kids in this mess. Don't let your DH break the law, thus making you complicit by letting that pedophile back into your home. Remember....CPS is clearly aware of what happened and the RO is what let them "close" the case. If that case has to be re-opened, you WILL chance loosing your own kids....or having to fight to get them back. No man is worth that.

Winterglow's picture

(((HUGS))), Cajunmom.

MorningMia's picture

In addition to feeling sick as I read about your situation (a teen and a toddler do not fight!), I was also thinking something similar to this:

YOU are the only one who can protect your kids in this mess. Don't let your DH break the law, thus making you complicit by letting that pedophile back into your home. Remember....CPS is clearly aware of what happened and the RO is what let them "close" the case. If that case has to be re-opened, you WILL chance loosing your own kids....or having to fight to get them back. No man is worth that.

If you are not going to ensure that so-called SS never steps foot in your house, you really should leave with yours. I am livid that your SO was ok with all of this. 

BanksiaRose's picture

In my day I've written many court reports about children/adolescents with s*xua||y harmful behaviors and have carried out assessments about their likelihood to reoffend. My alarm bells are ringing, as I do think that there was more than physical assault. You're already known to CPS and I guarantee you they're thinking the same. If you let the perp back into your house, you will lose your child.
 

The points that the CPS will put in their risk assessment and reasoning that the teenager is at high risk of reoffending are that he:

 

1. acted alone (absence of peer pressure), 2. targeted a much younger/weaker victim, 3. planned to offend  and isolated the victim (waited for you to be out), 4. Had good awareness of right from wrong because he tried to hide his tracks and lied, 5. has a p*rn addiction, 6. grew up in an unstable home where at least one parent was an addict, 7. his parent figures minimise his behaviors (father blatantly breaching RO to protect the victim, and you will be seen as complicit if you do not prevent it or report/move out).

 Your status as a former foster child will be held against you.
Trust me, it is very easy for CPS to reopen their case and remove your toddler for good based on the above. Ditch your DH who seems to have serious issues with authority as well as with respecting you and prioritising a toddler's safety. 

You also say that you moved across the country when you got pregnant. Your husband sounds like an abuser who uses coercive control - he likely saw some blind spots and vulnerability you have from your childhood years and targeted you specifically, knowing it'll be easy to isolate you from your support system with the promise of love and family.

Hope the counsellor will help to come to terms with this and make a more concrete plan of safety. Also check out MOSAC website for support for you and your baby.

Dollbabies's picture

analysis of the situation from someone with knowledge of how the system actually works.

I hope to god OP reads this and takes it to heart. 

Winterglow's picture

I agree with ALLthe other posters.

Take your son to a specialist to evaluate what has happened to him and get a restraining order to protect him.

Your husband needs to get a paternity test ASAP or be included in the RO.

GAWD, protect your little one with all the force you have.

Dollbabies's picture

you knew you SS "had been tormenting my son the whole time, talki g about how he was going to kill him graphically and going into his room at night."???

 

 

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

I was told after by my daughter who was afraid to say anything. Skid would talk on PlayStation about what he wanted to do to him and she could hear him 

2Tired4Drama's picture

How old is she? So she is also afraid of SS?

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

My priority is always to my kids. My toddler still can't sleep by himself after always sleeping by himself and it's been 8 months. Anytime his name is spoken my son reacts.Husband feel guilty for not parenting this kid earlier, and from the moment this went from my own personal hell to my son ( his testicles were kicked up inside him) I did all the things I was trained to do. Doctor, social workers, etc.

Husband has said "all siblings fight" but there is no fight when one is adult sized and the other is tiny. It took EVERYTHING in me not to do something stupid and take my anger out in a way such as suggested. 

My marriage has been perfunctory and celibate and wretched as w have not recovered from the ordeal. Now,,my husband's adult daughter and sister and dad all agree he is acting crazy about this but noone can reach him, I'm scared I can't pull off doing it alone and if I became homeless they would take my kids and possibly put him there and then I couldn't protect him 

I was a foster child and I have taken in a child before and I know CPS can get things really wrong  I'm hoping that the counselor can get through to him  I fully intend on enforcing my orders and standing my ground. 

Dollbabies's picture

of being separated from your child is horrible. But being a foster child yourself on top of that must make it unbearable. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I'm also sorry I was judging you without having all the facts.

Are you seeing a therapist? They might be able to help you separate your past experience from what's going on right now. That helped me a lot when my kids had kids. I was so uptight anytime they got just a simple cold because I was bringing my past experience of losing a child into the present and destroying the present because of my fears.

Winterglow's picture

WTF is WRONG with your apology for a husband?! All siblings fight? FIGHT? His presumed but not sure son has possibly raped his toddler and his reaction is " all siblings fight"??!!! 

Please head for your nearest women's shelter. They have the resources, the means to help you.  Whose house is it? Is it rented?

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

Rented and he is friends with the owner but the lease and all the bills are in my name. So are the cars. I'm hoping that this will be helpful because I fear it getting ugly 

Winterglow's picture

So you're also paying all the bills?

Please talk to a lawyer. Your son may be being abused. You need to know exactly how to  protect him. 

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

I have been a stay at home mom since my cancer diagnosis in 2020. They are in my name and I bought both cars with my own savings from before marriag

la_dulce_vida's picture

It's time to reevaulate being a stay at home mom.

If your husband insists on bringing his older child to your house, please start investigating programs to help you escape with your children. There are paths for single mothers to get childcare so they can work. You'll also get child support and you may also be able to get supervised visitation for the father and a restraining order that keeps the 16 year old away from your kids.

Please seek legal advice. Please renew the restraining order. Please look into getting some kind of work. Maybe you can work in a daycare center so that your child can also attend.

Rags's picture

So, when are you going to actually do something about all of this?  Act, act assertively, act now, and act continually until  you put this POS teen crotch puke perve and your in prison.

I would.

You also need to keep your idiot DH TF away from your children. He is using your kids as sex bait for the nasty shit spawned teen to assuage his failed parenting and guilty daddy fee fees about a kid that isn't even his.  Then he is gaslighting you about it.

Yes, this shit spawned perve is NOT HIS!  Coming from a StepDad who adopted his Skid at the Skid's request my position on this should send a very clear message.  POS people have no business anywhere near a child even when that POS is a parent or a sibling.  Fry them both. Get them isolated, keep them TF away from your children and nail them both to the fullest extent of the law for child endangerment. Make sure you ACT so you are not rolled up in the endangering your own children shit ball that these two should be firmly encased in.

Grrrrrrr!

hereiam's picture

There is really no compromising or negotiating, here, the kid is not allowed in your home.

Seriously, what is wrong with your husband that he would think this would be okay? He should want to protect the other children.

He doesn't even know, for sure, if this kid is his son and it doesn't sound like he's been around him all that much, either way.

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

I know that he has not spent much time around him and none of it was parenting. They play video games. The skid acts very differently when husband is around and my husband feels guilt that he did not do anything in his formative years.  I understood all that. I found out the BM is an addict and did drugs while pregnant. I tried really hard because I felt bad for this skid at first.  I really drew the line when he hurt a child incapable of defending himself. I would rather go to prison and make sure there is no threat, than my child going through anything like what I have experienced.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

If you don't protect your child, no one else will. Your husband is making craptastic excuses for SS's horrific behavior so he obviously plans to sweep this under the rug. If you're in jail, guess where your child will be? 

Thumper's picture

You are already on cps radar. Either leave or kick dh and his abusive porn addicted kid out OR possibly worry cps will do more than a parent plan..

A parent plan is no joke ma'am and you should take their actions  seriously..Even when Mr Wonderful will not. Cps doesn't sit in parking lots pointing to random parents to open up cases on. Your home life where your children are,  has raised eyebrows. 

 

CLove's picture

Im so so sorry this is happening. Generational abuse happens often. You feel stuck but you DO have choices and options.

Restraining orders, block the maybe SS, please do not freeze up out of fear and trauma responses, your kid and his testicals need you (I dont even want to think of the other abuse that your toddler infered...get him examined.)

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You need a long range plan. The first thing you need to do is find a lawyer and go in for a consult. You need to lay the groundwork now so that when you leave this guy he won't get any unsupervised visitation. A restraining order against SS is probably a good place to start. And honestly, you might consider having your son interviewed by an expert to help determine if he was sexually abused - because that seems a real possibility. Since he is still having an obvious reaction to even just the name of your SS, he might needs some therapy as well.

You need a lawyer's advice on your finances as well. Even though you aren't working, it sounds like lots of the assets are in your name and were purchased by you alone.

The next thing is to figure out a real life support system. Do you have family and friends who are close? Could you stay with them if necessary? You also need a short term emergency plan if SS shows up at your door.

Littleheart's picture

Hot damn girl you better get the hell out of there. You absolutely need to protect your toddler. There is a lot of solid advice from everyone here. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

As a mother, I can tell you that I was faced with a very difficult, but clear choice when my 5 year old son (now 33) told me about the "game" his grandpa (my father) was playing with him. I took him to the doctor after this report. The doctor being a mandatory reporter referred it to the local authorities. Their investigation had the case transferred to the county where the alleged abuse happened. That county interviewed my son and he told them more than he told me. They wanted to prosecute my father. My father lawyered up, naturally. Sadly, the authorities wanted my 5 year old (FIVE!!) to give testimony on the stand in front of my father. After the pedo grooming my son received, it would have been so traumatic because my father told my son that if he told anyone everyone would be mad at HIM (my son), also that grandpa would get in trouble and go to jail. My son was terrified. So we refused to cooperate and the case was dropped. I haven't spoken to my family in 28 years because they would rather consider ME a liar than believe my father is a pedo. Fine by me. What I didn't know at the time this all went down was that the child I was pregnant with would be autistic and non-verbal until age 6/7.

If I had not believed my son, my other son could have been abused for years without being able to tell me.

As a mother, as a parent, you reach decision points. If you believe your son, then burn all bridges in an effort to protect him. I jetisoned my entire bio family from my life to protect my children. It was painful. I lost dozens and dozens of people for the sake of my children. I wouldn't do it any differently.

My younger sister reached out to me a few years ago to meet. She said the family misses me and if I would just retract this horrible story, we could be a family again. I said to her, "You're a mother, just like me. I would like to think if your child came to you with a story of abuse, you would do ANYTHING to protect them. This "story" is not mine. I didn't come up with it. It was my son's experience and it was my job to BELIEVE him. If that means I lose my whole family and you all think that I am a liar, so be it. I can live with that."

I have ended 2 relationships over people intimidating or saying awful things to my children. As a mother, our duty is to protect our children first. I know you know this, but I understand how hard it is to weigh the cost of protecting them. This is a difficult time, but I am certain you'll take every step to protect your children.

Rags's picture

I am so furious and heartbroken for you and your son.  I applaud  you taking official action.  Though prosecution was not in the best interest of your young child, your dad is on the books and I hope LEOs where he lives have been hip deep up his perve ass and his community knows it all.

Take care of  you and your babies.

Give rose

Harry's picture

DH is out if his mind also.  Sorry for that.  Does DH have any plan ?  Except to dump SS on to you ?    This is the so call hill to died on.  Tell DH him and SS can do whatever they want,  but not with you,  DH can move to motel 6 with SS. Han have a life he wants.  Just pay CS AND SC.    BM must want this kid out of her home.  Neighbor might be calling police on SS.  

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

Wants to deal with this skid, just my husband who feels there is no option. He already bought ticket and I'm having chest pins while trying to get restraining orders over to police across the country in hopes they can keep this from happening. Going to speak with the local ones tomorrow with my order and see if they can impress upon husband not to do this. Still, I'm going to try and get some resources. I don't want to move,rent is as cheap as it's going to get and if I can get financial help- I will be ok.

I have no support system. I was horribly abused as a child and I won't let this happen to my kids. I lived in several really bad foster homes. Friends are on the other side of the country, as I moved when I got pregnant. It's me and my kids. All I can do is try and get financial help 

 

Dollbabies's picture

have no choice here. You have to tell your husband NOW that he has to find a place to live with his son. If you let him bring the kid into your home it will be YOU who has to move out and that doesn't sound like something you can easily do right now. Your name is on the lease, not his. 

I realize this is scary for you but you cannot allow your husband to bully you into opening up your home to someone who abused your child. I feel like I'm watching a movie where the woman is tied to a train track and the whistle is blowing. Untie that rope! 

MorningMia's picture

 I was horribly abused as a child and I won't let this happen to my kids.

Im sorry, but it sounds like abuse has already happened. As others have mentioned, you could have your children taken from you if you don't do something to ensure that SS never steps foot in your home again. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

OP said, "...[her son's] testicles were kicked up inside him) I did all the things I was trained to do. Doctor, social workers, etc."

I cannot believe that any parent would WILLINGLY stay a second longer if their toddler's testicals were kicked up inside him, were getting death threats, and has a DH who seems complicit. Yet OP is still there in the house, knowing the SS has a ticket and will be coming back soon.

I also cannot believe that doctors, social workers, etc. would not actively be involved in removing this toddler from the home and at a minimum, placing them with another family member even if they are out of state. Or even (worst case) in foster care.  OP said she had been a teacher herself so she is well aware of the laws. All the more reason for removing the child from the home and even from the mother, if need be, if mother cannot seem to understand the ramifications. 

I'm also not sure how many other kids may be involved.  OP said she has a daughter too. 

IMO, any single minute still spent in this situation is going to fall squarely on OP's shoulders. There is no excuse for staying in a situation where your minor child is being violently abused, and YOU KNOW it.   

If I were in OP's law enforcement/judicial system and saw the details of this situation as described in this post, I would say that charges might be appropriate based on what has already been known has happened to this toddler, not to mention what is still NOT known to have happened.

Plus, as far as SS himself, OP and her DH have known for at least five years, since SS was 11, that he has a "porn addiction" and that in itself should have been a huge red flag. Who is/has been teaching and/or encouraging SS's use of porn? Why hasn't that been looked into?  Furthermore, SS is 16 so is still a minor - who is looking at what is happening to him - to make him behave in such a violent manner?

You often see cases where both the father AND mother are charged for child abuse/neglect. Being complicit, being scared or being broke is no defense when it comes to child abuse. 

"Most Fierce of Moms" should consider these points.

 

 

MorningMia's picture

This has been bothering me a lot. If someone kicked my dog's testicles (of which are gone now, anyway) inside of him, that person would probably be swallowing their own. . . then the "hurt butt" episode. I am sickened by this. There is a part of me that hopes this is all some weird BS post to cause upset, but a part of me that fears that it isn't. 

OP: As at least one other person has mentioned, there are shelters you and your kids can go to, but seeing as your name is apparently on your lease, as you say, you need to kick out your "accessory to the crime" husband (which is what he is) for even entertaining the thought of having a pedo perv child abuser around your children and get that restraining order on SS if he indeed will be in your state. 

Winterglow's picture

Any news?

Harry's picture

DH can do what ever he wants, but bring SS into your home.  You must make DH understand you mean it.  SS will never set foot in your home again.   If he does call the police.   Stop the nonsense.  If DH wants to move into motel 6 with SS, that's fine.  Divorce lawer the next day.  That the price he will have to pay.  

Mostfierceofmoms's picture

RO is in place. Husband does not see the red flags as things that are not fixable. You know every kid looks at porn and the fact his BM used the word addict is because she is one and so she labeled him that. I personally was offended by the photos on the phone we pay for.  He agrees it may not be normal and he would put him in counseling. He really doesn't think the threats he made are serious and lots of stepparents have a hard time and all my kids are just angels. My adult kids are doing really well BTW, and his are doing ok too. I embrace my step kids including my step grands and he is the ONLY issue as far as people go in our family and the largest problem thus far, yet I realize he is also a human being. I hold out hope of getting an agency involved to help him and he can live elsewhere and I can be supportive far far away  Sadly, I doubt that.

 

CLove's picture

Thank you for the updates. Glad you are moving forward with protecting your little one.

Rags's picture

IMHO, being labeled as a human being is earned with decency.  If he is not decent, he gets no status as a human being.  Human value is inherrent only for those who earn with compliance to a very basic level of decency.

Just my thoughts of course.

MorningMia's picture

Temporary or permanent injunction? Of course your SS was notified of this, Was there fallout with your husband? 

Dogmom1321's picture

Get a restraining order for BOTH SK and DH. If he was planning on basically kidnapping him, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same thing to retaliate with your own child? 

Get as far away as possible. 

Rags's picture

Great idea. Wrap both the perve SS-16 and the supposed father who is endangering the toddler by serving the little guy up to the the perve's victim into the same RO/PO to define the boundaries clearly.

Clapping

Harry's picture

Tell DH to take SS.  to a 4 hour motel and stay with him there.  Or you pack up you bags and move your bio kids to a safe place,  you have to do something.  Better then havibf your kids life destroyed.   Disengage from SS.  NO homeschool. No nothing.