Sad night... sometimes I wish i didn't care so much :-(
I don't know what it is about this week but I just can not stop thinking about and missing my SD. Sometimes I wish I could go back to thinking of her as "the kid"... not wanting to get too involved, or only getting involved out of obligation to help her with her speech and what not (as a future SLP). I didn't date my fiance for a long time because he had "a kid" and now...she just consumes my thoughts. I hate not knowing what's going on at her house, if her mother is spending any quality time with her or if she's being ignored, or punished for no reason. I know nothing about her life there. I don't know where she sleeps, what toys she has, what her normal day is like... i don't know if she has a nap time, if she's ever read to... i don't know anything about her 80% of her life. Talking to her BM is like talking to a bitchy brick wall... you ask her questions she'll be short with you, or get mad and slam the door in your face, or hang up the phone. She talks when she wants and says what she wants to say and that is that. She never asks anything about what we do with my SD, about how her speech therapy goes, about anything... and last year when my fiances mother wanted to take her out of town for a month, her BM was pleased as pie, and didn't even call. I am dying and she's only been gone 2 days... i don't understand how her BM can not adore that little angel.
I wish my SD could tell me what happens at her BM. I wish I could talk to her on the phone. I wish a lot of things...but mainly I wish, for my SD sake, that her BM starts taking an interest in her childs development and future...instead of sitting on her ass all day, not working, and apparently not doing a damn thing to help her development. My friend's 22 month old daughter can talk more than my SD, and can count to 10, and my SD who turns 4 in less than a month can't. And her mother couldn't care less... it sickens me.
Sometimes I wonder if God bringing her and my fiance into my life has brought me more joy or sorrow. I never thought I'd be a step parent. Sometimes I just hate caring so much. I know I'm making a positive difference in her life, even with as little as we get to have her...and in return, i feel tormented. I hate not knowing, I hate not having the power, I hate missing her all the time. But I'm in too deep now. I don't even know how I could walk away becuase i KNOW with 100% of my heart and soul, that her life will be a million times better if I'm in it.
It's just so hard though...and all the time I think, what if my fiance and I break up? I lose BOTH of them, I have no rights to this child that i LOVE and who loves me. What if I want out of my relationship... it's not just about me and him, it's about her. 1 year ago I would have never believed where I'm at in my life now. And I can't even tell if I'm happy or sad. It's like i can't even truly ENJOY when she's here because in the back of my mind I think about having to send her back to the "unknown".
I know God knows what he's doing... but still, sometimes I just wish I didn't care. I've had my heart ache before in my life... but never like this. Caring about a child truly is different than anything I've ever experienced.
Dove-- My heart breaks for
Dove--
My heart breaks for you. I can feel how much you honestly love this child. And I pray she's ok. And things will go better for her & you in time.
God Bless
I feel your pain sweetie. My
I feel your pain sweetie. My heart aches when my SS is away. Do you know what helped me? When I am there for the exchanges and I can see how SS reacts to them. He reassures me by his reactions that they are treating him right. Because if they were treating him badly I bet he wouldnt want to go with them. He seems to be ok over there, so that is why it doesnt hurt so much. But at first, I hated sending him over to the "unknown." It killed me. I thought he was being ignored, not cared for properly, etc. But now I know its ok, because he is 3 and sometimes he talks about his other family and to me, that means its ok. I bet as things progress and you have more of an open communication with them and she starts talking with you, it will get better. Its really hard with them being so young.
Thanks for the encouragement
Thanks for the encouragement guys. Yeah...I don't think she is UNHAPPY over there, i think she prefers to be with me and her father, i know she does. But her sister is there and I know that makes her happy. I just worry about how behind she is and i know that her mother doesn't work with her at ALL or spend quality time with her. I don't want her to have to struggle and be behind the rest of her life because she wasn't getting proper stimulation during these most important developmental years of her life.
But she is a happy kid, and def. sweet like her father... I hope it stays that way. Her not being able to communicate with other kids doesn't seem to affect her that much now. But when she is in school, and kids start saying "why don't you talk?" or "you talk funny"... it'll really start to have a negative emotional impact, and I just don't want her to go through that.
But she has made a lot of progess the past 5 months, hopefully in another 5 months she will make lots more.
Also... i feel like she is starting preschool late... when I was 3 I was in preschool... she will be 4.5 years old when she starts... isn't that old or is that pretty standard?
i think that all depends on
i think that all depends on the parents choice. Some parents stay at home so they dont do preschool, so i dont think it really matters much into they get to kindergarten. I wouldnt stress that she is starting later. But what do i know.. im still so new to being a stepmom. It is very special that you worry so much about her and in time, she will want to come live with you guys, just be patient.
come to think of it, I just remembered something. my ss is extrememly bright and articulate, he is 3. he goes to a school during the day. However, there are kids in his class the same age and they dont talk or if they do talk they talk in a baby voice. so IMO i dont think preschool is that big of a deal, I think she will develop her skills on her own time. Talk to her teachers and get a parent conference to see how they might work with her in preschool to help her with her speech.