S wants to make it work despite SD's efforts to sabotage
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Ok, I had finally had a big vlow up about SD15 with my SO. We did not talk for 4 days. He called to apologize and wanted to talk. He's finaally willing to work on something with his evil daughter but does not know what to do. I'm at a loss too. I don't know what to with that little moster except disengage. I support him taking charge as a parent but don't know what to tell him to do other than send her to BM. In fact I don't tell him because he has never asked but do wish she would just go. Any advice on how to help him and to heal from all her maniupullation in effert to break us up?
Tell him to sign up for some
Tell him to sign up for some parenting classes to start with.
I agree with Winterglow.
I agree with Winterglow. Parenting classes.
Sure, your DH can send SD to BM. But what happens if the day comes where BM is not an option? One thing every step parent nees to realize is that the skid(s) could come to live with your partner 24/7/365. So if living full-time with un-/poorly parented skids is a deal breaker, get out now.
Ditto and counseling. Don't pass up this rare opportunity
It is so rare (sadly) that our spouses/SO's agree to actually agree to concentrate on the relationship and the family dynamic rather than excuses, concierge behavior or worse. If I were in your shoes I would make sure to support him and also yourself. Seek out resources, make it a joint effort and encourage him that it will make your relationship stronger and even establish framework for a good relationship with SD. Look for a Good counselor for you two. Try empoweringparents.com They have some great free articles and resources.
Even in strong relatioships Bio parents and their behavior deifying their kids can wreck it. I am exceptionally commited to my DW of 7 years but my two SS's about broke me and it took years to get to a healthy place. The first step is what you seem to already have figured out the issue is the adult. Once he changes his reactions and disconnects those buttons, you may both find a good relationship for the two of you plus a rewarding one with SD
He is willing to make a
He is willing to make a commitment to the relationship. He asked me to help him learn to communicate better. If something does happen that BM is no longer an option we do have a "game plan". It would involve not allowing her to emulate the behvior of her mother. Right now she is acting exactly the same way BM acts. It also come to a legal issue. after the age of 12 a child can legally choose which parent they want to live with in our state, unless one is deemed unfit. If it becomes us or noone then we will be able to enforce more behavior boundaries without interference from BM. I have already explained to SO and SD that when I goto visit my mother with my kids SO is welcome to join us, SD is not going with us and will not be welcome in anyway on the trip. My mother is not a "kid" person and would not tolerate the defiant babish attitude in her home from her own kids and grandkids let alone anyone elses child. Besides all SD ever does is pount and cry if she goes someplace and is not the center of attention. It's embarassing the way she acts, I can't take her out to "nice" places because she would behave so badly we would need to leave.
Wait wait wait - no. He doesn
Wait wait wait - no. He doesn't get to break up with you and then come back 4 days later claiming to be a changed man. Tell him, "That's great to hear, I hope it works out for you." How are you going to support him without being back together?
I'd be very wary of someone who breaks up with you and then comes back 4 days later wanting to get back together. Chances are good he expected you to chase after him, and you didn't. This is a very unhealthy conflict style, so the first suggestion for him should be therapy.
Therapy and communication are
Therapy and communication are a requirement. Why can't I support him as in encouraging him to make changes? I know I cannot do it for him but I can give him positive feedback when he does something right.
So will you just be friends,
So will you just be friends, then?
At this point yes. I need to
At this point yes. I need to see he made changes to believe it. He did not say he was a changed man when he apologized but He did say he was willing to make changes to fix "US" and is afraid to loose me. He said he needed those 4 days to realize how he was wrong because he is so overwhelmed by his daughters behavior he has been so stressed out he is in a state of confusion. He has begun talking to his daughter about why she came to live with him and returning to BM after the school year. It's sad but he keeps asking his daughter why she is trying to make him give up the best woman he has found in his life. He's asks her if he wants him miserable and alone because that is what she is doing by behaving this way. In time it will become apparent if things are going to change or if they are not going to work. I do believe that he does love me and I know I love him but things are not in the right place for us to be together if soe=mething does not change.
Why is she trying to make him
Why is she trying to make him miserable? Because she can.. because SHE is a miserable child who wants everyone to feel as crappy as she does.
maybe the correct question is what gives her.. a CHILD to dictate to a parent how they will live their life? That she is the child.. and doesn't have that authority.. in a few years she will be an adult and can screw up her own life if she wants. Right now.. he is the parent and she will toe the line.
I believe his daughter is
I believe his daughter is trying to make him miserable because she hates herself. Anyone cannot love and respect anyone else unless they love and respect themself. I'm in no hurry to date again because I plan on moving in 3 1/2 years to a different state and tranfer to another loction for my job. I kind of figure it won't hurt to sit back and watch while being friends. I just want to stop running in circles and get my perspective back.in order. I do takecare of my 2 children and keep them away from the headache. Not living together has been a big help with all that. I'll make the popcorn, so who wants to sit back and watch the show with me. I will not engage with that child ever again. I just see nothing wrong with letting him know he made a good move or not.
And if things do change in a
And if things do change in a big way my opinion of a possible relationship with him might too. Right now I have plenty of other offers if I choose to take one up or not. My choice at this point, my future
Wow! So his answer is not to
Wow! So his answer is not to change himself and his actions but to try to get his daughter to change by guilt tripping her? Even if you get this man into therapy it is going to have to be one amazing therapist for him to see that it is not everyone else around him that needs to change but that the change needs to start from him.
Quite frankly your SO needs a
Quite frankly your SO needs a LOT of work. His daughter is merely a product of the parenting she is getting from both of her parents... including your SO. I believe I recall that he was hiding over at your house so he didn't have to deal with SD? What kind of parent is THAT?
There is NO WAY you can support him through this. HE and he ALONE needs to learn how to be an effective parent.. and you coaching him along? won't help. You admit yourself your only idea is to send her away???
You can't go back to being friends.. it won't work.
You need to give him the space he needs to figure this out for himself.. without the complications of your needs/relationship.
Take it from everyone here:
Take it from everyone here:
If he doesn't know how to parent, it is too late for him to learn. He is who he is.
OP, you can't make a silk
OP, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Just quit wasting your time on this already. Focus on yourself, and why you're willing to put up with so much for so little. I get that breakups can be especially difficult around the holidays, but honestly, this man is soo damaged, and has caused so much damage. What's the best you could reasonably ever expect from him? Life can be hard or easy, and this is one of those decisions that determines that. Please make it with your head and not your heart.
Keep it simple. I suggest
Keep it simple. I suggest advising him to publish the standards of behavior and performance that SD will be held to. He also needs to have an idea of a framework of escalating age appropriate consequences that she will suffer if she chooses not to deliver. Failing to plan is planning to fail on a behavioral change project like SD-15.
Parenting classes are not something that I have a lot of value for. Affirmation parenting does not tend to work IMHO. Kids should not be rewarded for doing what they should do. Doing what they should do returns a basic level of quality of life. Nothing excessive. If they perform above the basic expectation they are rewarded. Failing to deliver to expectation is punished.
Praising for basics is IMHO a recipe for failure.
Key is removing as much of the emotion as is possible from the process of parenting this kid. She is 15yo. It is impossible to reset from zero and start over with a 15yo. The only way to address her behavioral and performance issues is head on holding her immediately accountable for her behaviors and performance with immediate application of consequences for failing to deliver.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck with both DH and his daughter. Don't wait around too long. Start the moving on process now so that in the event DH backslides you are not standing around waiting for change that won't happen.
Actually my plan is to move
Actually my plan is to move in 3 1/2 years after DS, which is the youngest, graduates from HS. I'm not holding my breath for any change but I'm not holding my tounge on my observations anymore and I refuse to do anything for his daughter ever again. I guess I just want to see if there is going to be a change. I've pretty much come to terms with the conclusion that my SO and I do not have a long term future in store for us.
?
Then why waste another 3.5 years of your life?
Better to start your new life adventure immediately than to waste more of your time. If you are good, your children will be good.
Because I do not want to
Because I do not want to start looking for someone new and I don't want guys bothering me during this time. I just want to watch my kids graduate and enter college/military with joy. I plan to keep it simple and ejoy my last few years with my kids. Then I will move out of state and start figuring out how I want my retirement to look like. I only have 8 1/2 years till I retire.