Run, Run, As fast as you can..
The advice on these forums is invaluable. Thank you! It is now my turn to put pen to paper and ask for some guidance.
I’ve been in a same sex relationship with my partner for the last three years. We are both 45. She has two children, a 15-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old daughter.
I get along really well with the 15-year-old, however, the 12-year-old has been driving a wedge between my partner and myself. She is moody, grumpy and extremely clingy to her mother. Sadly she is clearly my partners favourite ☹️. My partner treats her more like a best friend than a child. I have caught the youngest telling fibs about me. Clearly at times my partner is believing the rubbish this child is talking.
We did live together in my partners house for 3 months while my home was being built. I have never disciplined the children or even asked them to put a dish in the dishwasher! I don’t know where the 12 year old gets that I’m ‘bossy’!
The children can do no wrong in their parents eyes and are both lazy and do nothing to help around the house.
This weekend it was just my partner and her favourite 12 year old at home. As a result any communication I had with my partner was just ‘cold’.
When I stay over at my partners house there is no privacy as the children can come and go whenever they please. Sperm idiot lives 10 minutes away and will come past every day. Generally he parks in the laneway and sits in the car waiting for the children or he will sometimes come into the garage or has even been known to put his head in the back door.
I just find it uncomfortable that he is about so often and I feel it is a lack of respect that the kids turn up unannounced whenever (a real intimacy destroyer).
The children are supposed to be at their mothers Monday and Tuesday, and their fathers Wednesday and Thursday with alternate weekends between parents.
At present the children are at my partners house every day after school and some days even before school (yes, he has been known to drop them off for breakfast even though my partner has already left for work).
My partner sees no problem with this and in regards to the youngest child I get told that I’m ‘ the adult’ and I should be ‘friendlier’ and ‘try harder’.
We split up three weeks ago as I felt that it’s a very one sided, part-time relationship and I’m definitely way down on her list of priorities.
Two days later she called begging to try and work things out between us. We decided to try again, but said we’d have to compromise and make changes. I said I would not visit while her children were at her house until the youngest one had been to see a psychologist. I cannot risk my career when the child tells fibs about me, she’s very cunning and vindictive.
I’m expected to waste 3.5 hours after work before getting to her house because the kids will be there and sperm idiot will be picking them up. I find this unreasonable and refused to do it last week - so my partner got angry with me. Tonight she told me that she’s not going to stop her children coming to her place every day after school (school is 200m away and sperm idiot is a teacher there).
I could write a book about the dramas of the last 18 months or so (before that it was pretty rosy). I have just finished “StepMonster” and it’s me to a tee. I can’t get my partner to even read the first chapter!
Am I being unreasonable?
Should I just run and get the painful grieving process of a broken relationship over with?
You know your SO is not going to change
She not seeing what you are saying. So basically it’s in your court. If you can live that way, being the last on the list. remember nothing saids that the 12 yo is leaving at 18.
Yup, lace up those running
Yup, lace up those running shoes. She had her opportunity to change after the first breakup and she didn't. You can be pretty darn sure it's not going to happen.
Run
If you have the guts to run (i dont), just do it. Find a woman without kids who will treat you like a queen. Im a male in same sex relation aswell. I realised too late i will always come in second place after daddees angel
Thank you
Thank you for your honest answers. I haven’t had any contact with my partner since Sunday night when she had darling 12 year old with her and was ‘icy cold’. Would you believe she actually had me on speaker phone when we started to discuss things; then she stopped and talked to the child twice while I was on the phone - call was about 10 minutes.
I was supposed to go to her place last night after work, but couldn’t make myself go there, so came home instead. Still no contact today.
Shoukd I continue with this ‘silence’? Or is it unacceptable to end a relationship with silence?
When it comes to bios who
When it comes to bios who want to have their cake and eat it too, who expect every modification to be made for them and yet refuse to make modifications for others who are "important" in their lives, who are so enmeshed with their ex- to the point of it being more-so a 3-way relationship, there is no one who is going to fit. No one wants to be or deserves to be sloppy seconds or thirds.
There is just something not right about parents who don't want to suck it up and take it themselves, divorce, remarry, and then expect their new partners to suck it up and take it. And, it is usually not just their new partners who have to suck it up--it can be other members as well. Mom wants to go out with her new man for the weekend, so 75 YO granny basically has the kids forced on her for the weekend (she doesn't want to say No). Dad wants to go hunting during his weekend, so he swings by his brother's and drops the kids off so his kids and brother's and SIL's can all play together. Meanwhile, SIL, whom he never even asked, gets to give up her weekend and play babysitter, cook and maid all weekend long. . . The list goes on and on.
Yet, divorce is supposed to the answer for everything--easy-peasy. Mom and dad and kids can divorce, live apart, and yet, the ideal is that they still act married, for the children's sake. Meanwile, their new partners, other family relatives, in-laws are expected to pay the price. Something is wrong here, and it is NOT with the new SO or spouse for being unwilling to suck it up and take it.
The break has been made. Do
The break has been made. Do not reconnect. If she calls, fine. But don't you call.
My XW was one to call regularly from the day she moved out until 3+ years later. It made sense for a few months as we navigated dealing with personal effects, dealing the house we had just closed on two months before she decided she wanted a divorce, etc...
Even then it was weird. She had the idea that though we were divorcing and then divorced that we could be lovers. This was the woman who had made a side career out of being a cavern crotched adulterous skank whore for nearly the entire 2.2 years we were married before she moved out. She had no issue with sex, she just had an issue of sex within the context of her marriage. I became aware of it when she informed me she wanted a divorce. When my response to her announcement was to "go file" she burst into tears and got all butt hurt that I wouldn't fight for her. WTF?
She called every time she got pregnant. She lost the first one to a miscarriage. The second she had out of wedlock with the guy she was seeing for the last year or so we were married. Every time she had some life crisis, my phone would ring. It was weird. She would waffle between me being "her best friend and knowing her better than anyone in the world" to being extremely confrontational and an unadulterated bitch. I never called her. Not once after she moved out. Done was done for me.
She kept trying to resurrect drama and some nonexistent connection. The final contact was over her desire to sell the home we purchased shortly before she filed for divorce. Property was divided "ass possessed" by the Judge when our divorce was granted. She had moved out so ... the house was mine. We sold it as a lease purchase nonqualifying mortgage assumption to a single mom. After the lease period was up the tenant wanted to close the sale without paying the remaining purchase amount and just assuming the mortgage. I had moved out of state to finish college. So, my XW moved into the house and lived there for 3 years. Her idea was to quit claim deed me, pay me $10 as required by Texas law (any real estate xaction required a financial component) and then sell the house without paying me. I was entitled to $100% of the proceeds of the sale according to the divorce decree. She didn't see it that way.
Her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy ended up cutting me a check for half of the profits of the sale of the house and I signed the quit claim deed.
The last contact between the skank whore and I was her calling me to scream and blather about how I ripped her off on the house. I hung up on her.
So, no contact is the best way to go IMHO. Don't call her, if she calls you address each call directly and hang up as soon as is expedient to the situation.
Good luck and do not re-engage. Unless you are a gluten for punishment.
Running and not looking back
Today I received a message from my ex-SO to call her if I wanted to talk about things. I thought long and hard over it and finally called her this evening.
I was strong and composed and managed to say everything I wanted:
This time there was no comeback.
It will be a sad and lonely road that I have ahead of me, but I know it’s for the best. And I will not look in the rear view mirror!
Never again will I get involved with someone with children.
Thank you for you words and guidance over the last few days - you helped make the decision easier.
Yes you will feel sad and
Yes you will feel sad and lonely.TEMPORARILY.
It's so hard, break ups are horrific, heartbreak is crippling and there's no getting away from it you are going to be sad. But when you meet that someone, it will all have been worth it.
I've very nearly hit 6 months since I left my 3 year relationship and the first 2 months were dreadful, but after those first couple of months you will start to adjust and at 6 months,I don't love him anymore, there are still feelings there but love isn't one of them. Push through it, you can do it, don't look back.
“It will be a sad and lonely
“It will be a sad and lonely road that I have ahead of me, but I know it’s for the best.”
No, this is not true! This is freedom from Step Hell! I was in a similar situation for over 5 f*cking years. In retrospect, the red flags were there years ago. I just foolishly stuck it out, hoping love would conquer all. It doesn’t. It is time for you to focus on yourself. Take up a hobby, exercise more, spend time with friends, focus on your career, or just binge-watch tv. Regardless of what you do, know you have just dodged a bullet and preserved peace in your life.