Does anyone know of a good list of rules for stepfamilies? My husband and I have a really good list of "Rules for a successful marriage", but I am wondering if anyone has a good one for stepfamilies.
I could have never found the words to express how I feel, But you said it all. God bless you. You and I and all the other Step parents out there must be real troopers all the time.
CPS told us that we were reported because BM thought we were unreasonable by sending the kids outside for some fresh air. Ummmm....and the problem here is??? She BM never makes the boys go outside unless they want...TV, computer, video games are enough exercise I guess.......well at least for their fingers and eyes!! You can imagine what CPS was told! We welcomed to call and make arrangements to see how our house was run at anytime. We have my 2 girls here 15 & 12 that have good marks in school, very seldom miss school unless they are really sick, are very social, involved in extra curricular and do not need counselling. They both have regular chores as this is part of learning responsibilities. They both show adults and others respect. We have the 2 ss that don't live with us, are both in counselling because they have social issues and problems dealing with their anger when they interact with others, they are both doing poorly in school, also miss apprx 2-3 mths of school each year for no reason, neither boy is in any extra curricular either and neither show any respect for adults, ESPECIALLY dad and stepmom. So you tell me who is doing what is right and who is doing what is wrong. Prime examples of how households are run differently and rules are put in place for a very good reason!
Corie
Should only be called if the children are in an abusive situation. I am sorry but giving a child chores is NOT a reason to call CPS. CPS was called on my DH as well. BM emailed CPS with a ton of lies on how my DH "beats" the children. He never spanks EVER. However, the caseworker did say spanking was NOT against the law!!! Ok obviously CPS has their own opinions according to the Caseworker.
Everyone wants to say that a little work and punishment will just break these kids today but if you can't spank, give extra chores, or even raise your voice to them how will they learn boundaries and is that CPS worker going to be reponsible if skids become ridiculously out of line since they think their ideas work? Growing up I had a healthy love for my parents and an equally healthy fear I have no idea what I'dve done under those ideas.
I read your rules for stepkids and I wish it would happen in our home. It would be great if it did! I married a man who has adult kids and it is harder than getting on with a 3 year old. The trouble is that my husband justifies their behaviour and then says I am being terrible to his children! They do not live with us, one lives intersate and the other 2 with mum. The son who lives interstate owes me money and my husband feels that he has to handle him with kid gloves!! he is 24 yrs old!!! My husband and I have argued when I found out that he was sending this son over $200.00 per week and our accounts were not being paid. This went on for over 6 months where my credit rating went down the tube. I only found out by mistake this was going on....
His daughter has called me and said she doesnt like to see her Dad with another woman (20 yrs old) and when she has been in my presence, she only talks of what it was like when mum and dad were together. My husband wants his children to visit and I set some boundaries that I wont sit there and just listen to 4 plus hrs of mum and dad. This has made my husband furious! I feel I should be able to feel comfortable in my home and these children are not children, they are adults who should have boundaries..
Any suggestions?? please..
ibby
*entertaining a funny mental picture of a middle aged man in a suit pouting over homemade pizza, whining about an ATV and a WII and saying "where's daddy???" a hundred million times to crayon....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I am new to this page...am feeling so frustrated right now. Just got remarried- My husband and I have four children altogether. His ex-wife is awful- makes up lies and manipulates the children. My children are starting to be harmed by skid's unstable behavior. We have joint custody of the skids, full custody of mine. When the skids return home (every other week) it is terrible and my children have to endure all sorts of poor behavior. The skids then turn around and tell their mother and the therapist inaccurate versions of stories. We have multiple therapists involved- and it is getting worse! Blending a family is hard enough, but dealing with my husband's ex has been a nightmare! Any help?
I was going to say that step-parenting is a lot of responsibility for them with little if any actual authority. I mean I feel I have no authority given to me by the kids in the situation because of our inherently adversarial relationship and little history good or bad.
the ex is not in the position to be supportive nor should she be and my husband is often just holding his own ground with his kids much less the energy to boost me up. yes, step-parenting sucks. I keep wondering what the rewards are. I had step-parents one really nice and one terrible whom my father divorced and now as an adult have yet a third step-parent of my own who is my age. So i can empathize about the issues involved. My nice step-parent used to say that being appreciated helped a lot. The terrible step-parent was always saying we could not visit without an appointment and very closed and uncommunicative; jealous, it was terrible. when they divorced she was one of the few people i felt okay about not hearing any news ever again. anyway, i would be willing to work to have better relationships with my stepkids but wonder if it is worth the bother.
These are not "rules" but "rights"...have you seen this?
STEPPARENTS BILL OF RIGHTS
I WILL BE PART OF THE DECISION MAKING PROCESS IN MY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AT ALL TIMES.
People of outside my immediate family, including ex's, in-laws, and children cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long.
I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
I will be consulted on all family financial matters.
Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
I will not be treated as an outsider in my home.
My spouse and stepchildren will treat me with respect.
Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.
Bill of rights
Thank you Nise, this is exactly what I was looking for! I really appreciate it.
I feel the same way!!
I could have never found the words to express how I feel, But you said it all. God bless you. You and I and all the other Step parents out there must be real troopers all the time.
Rights....I love this.
Rights....I love this. It is going on my fridge as soon as I get home so my husband can see it. This is exactly how I feel too. Thanks Nise!!!
This would be interesting to review BEFORE a second marriage...
The points are all right on and every single thing represents what goes wrong in step family situations.
right on...
this is awesome! thanks for sharing
omg...isn't that the truth.....
CPS told us that we were reported because BM thought we were unreasonable by sending the kids outside for some fresh air. Ummmm....and the problem here is??? She BM never makes the boys go outside unless they want...TV, computer, video games are enough exercise I guess.......well at least for their fingers and eyes!! You can imagine what CPS was told! We welcomed to call and make arrangements to see how our house was run at anytime. We have my 2 girls here 15 & 12 that have good marks in school, very seldom miss school unless they are really sick, are very social, involved in extra curricular and do not need counselling. They both have regular chores as this is part of learning responsibilities. They both show adults and others respect. We have the 2 ss that don't live with us, are both in counselling because they have social issues and problems dealing with their anger when they interact with others, they are both doing poorly in school, also miss apprx 2-3 mths of school each year for no reason, neither boy is in any extra curricular either and neither show any respect for adults, ESPECIALLY dad and stepmom. So you tell me who is doing what is right and who is doing what is wrong. Prime examples of how households are run differently and rules are put in place for a very good reason!
Corie
CPS
Should only be called if the children are in an abusive situation. I am sorry but giving a child chores is NOT a reason to call CPS. CPS was called on my DH as well. BM emailed CPS with a ton of lies on how my DH "beats" the children. He never spanks EVER. However, the caseworker did say spanking was NOT against the law!!! Ok obviously CPS has their own opinions according to the Caseworker.
I have a question
Everyone wants to say that a little work and punishment will just break these kids today but if you can't spank, give extra chores, or even raise your voice to them how will they learn boundaries and is that CPS worker going to be reponsible if skids become ridiculously out of line since they think their ideas work? Growing up I had a healthy love for my parents and an equally healthy fear I have no idea what I'dve done under those ideas.
SKIDS!!! AHHHH
I read your rules for stepkids and I wish it would happen in our home. It would be great if it did! I married a man who has adult kids and it is harder than getting on with a 3 year old. The trouble is that my husband justifies their behaviour and then says I am being terrible to his children! They do not live with us, one lives intersate and the other 2 with mum. The son who lives interstate owes me money and my husband feels that he has to handle him with kid gloves!! he is 24 yrs old!!! My husband and I have argued when I found out that he was sending this son over $200.00 per week and our accounts were not being paid. This went on for over 6 months where my credit rating went down the tube. I only found out by mistake this was going on....
His daughter has called me and said she doesnt like to see her Dad with another woman (20 yrs old) and when she has been in my presence, she only talks of what it was like when mum and dad were together. My husband wants his children to visit and I set some boundaries that I wont sit there and just listen to 4 plus hrs of mum and dad. This has made my husband furious! I feel I should be able to feel comfortable in my home and these children are not children, they are adults who should have boundaries..
Any suggestions?? please..
ibby
LOL
*entertaining a funny mental picture of a middle aged man in a suit pouting over homemade pizza, whining about an ATV and a WII and saying "where's daddy???" a hundred million times to crayon....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
At wits end
I am new to this page...am feeling so frustrated right now. Just got remarried- My husband and I have four children altogether. His ex-wife is awful- makes up lies and manipulates the children. My children are starting to be harmed by skid's unstable behavior. We have joint custody of the skids, full custody of mine. When the skids return home (every other week) it is terrible and my children have to endure all sorts of poor behavior. The skids then turn around and tell their mother and the therapist inaccurate versions of stories. We have multiple therapists involved- and it is getting worse! Blending a family is hard enough, but dealing with my husband's ex has been a nightmare! Any help?
I was going to say that
I was going to say that step-parenting is a lot of responsibility for them with little if any actual authority. I mean I feel I have no authority given to me by the kids in the situation because of our inherently adversarial relationship and little history good or bad.
the ex is not in the position to be supportive nor should she be and my husband is often just holding his own ground with his kids much less the energy to boost me up. yes, step-parenting sucks. I keep wondering what the rewards are. I had step-parents one really nice and one terrible whom my father divorced and now as an adult have yet a third step-parent of my own who is my age. So i can empathize about the issues involved. My nice step-parent used to say that being appreciated helped a lot. The terrible step-parent was always saying we could not visit without an appointment and very closed and uncommunicative; jealous, it was terrible. when they divorced she was one of the few people i felt okay about not hearing any news ever again. anyway, i would be willing to work to have better relationships with my stepkids but wonder if it is worth the bother.