room or no room...that is the question
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My husband and I have been married about a year and a half. I have three children of my own. One of his four children comes to visit maybe once a month. We currently have a teenager sleeping in a twin bed to accommodate an extra twin bed in that room. The teenager has requested a bigger bed....however husband wants SD to have her own bed for the occasional visits. What is the right thing to do?
i think your hubby is right.
i think your hubby is right. there really isn't a need for her to have a bigger bed.....and your SD does deserve her own bed for her occ visits.
I struggle with this myself.
I struggle with this myself. DH and I have four kids - 3 girls ages almost 20-18 11 and SS 14. We live in a three bedroom house and early on SD and DD occupied the Den until BM complained that SD did not have her own space. SD was moved into a work room and we moved SS out of the bedroom and into the den giving the kids that lived here their own bedroom.
Now Sd doesn't visit - her space is SS and I am trying to figure out if SS can sleep in DD bed while she is away at college.
I hate to put out a kid that lives with you because of a kid that doesn't. I grew up sharing a loft with my sibs and sleeping in home made cots. We were weekend kids.
I would say unless doing a twin full bunk bed is an option I wouldn't bump her into a full size bed.
I don't think skids should
I don't think skids should have their own bedroom and that kids living in the home should sacrifice the bedroom they want or their own bedroom, if possible to accomodate an skid that comes 2 times a month. However, I also don't see the big bed deal. My sister, brother and I each had twin beds until we left home. When guests visit my parents house they sleep on twin beds. A bigger bed for one person, unless that person's feet hang from the end of the bed or they weigh 300lbs, is not a necessity but a want...and I don't think it's needed.
Now, if you want to go with the whole new bed thing, then get him a trundle bed. One where the top is a full size and the bottom trundle is actually a twin size. We had one like that. That way he has enough room when the skid is not there, and when the skid is there, you can pull the trundle out. And no, the skid doesn't get the bigger bed for 2 days a month either.
I agree that having a bed for
I agree that having a bed for a visiting stepchild is more important than having a bigger bed for the one that lives there full time. Sharing a room is hard, and that needs to be acknowledged, and it's hard for both kids. The one that lives there full time, has to share what they rightfully so think of as their room. The visiting child does not have it easy either, coming into someone else's space. It's just how it is though; not enough rooms for everybody so people have to share. To have the visiting child be the one with the loss, so that the full time kid can have more....is not fair.
Yeah, maybe once a month
Yeah, maybe once a month isn't much and that should count. But we are talking about a bed. My brothers and I shared a room for years and even when we got a little more space, we never had anything bigger than a twin bed. That's all I am saying. There is nothing wrong with a teen staying in a twin bed. Making the visiting child somewhat comfortable by having their own bed, could make a tiny difference in their attitude when they come to this house. Maybe not.
My children will not be
My children will not be GUESTS in my home until they are adults. I don't care what any court says. I'm their mother. Period. I will make them feel welcome in my home.
Right now, my children have
Right now, my children have one home. They do not have overnights with their father. When they did, I was the one who purchased beds for them to have at his house. (Which he sold, then put the kids on the sofa.)
When any of my stepchildren have been in my home (they are adults now), they ALWAYS had their own bed.
I didn't invade his life.
I didn't invade his life. Another assumption. He was upset that he couldnt' afford beds for them (and, no, he wasn't paying CS) so I OFFERED to buy them and he ACCEPTED.
Really, please stop making these crazy assumptions. You haven't a clue.
Read what I wrote. I offered,
Read what I wrote. I offered, he accepted.
He wound up selling them because HE NEEDED THE MONEY because he's a broke-ass loser.
But they do have a home. One
But they do have a home. One if them just has to sleep in a twin bed and that's ok. No kid is entitled to a big bed. Out of 4 kids, one comes to visit and rarely . Her 3 kids live in this home. Is it not reasonable for dad to have a bed there for his one kid that visits?
I am just trying to advise something that seems fair and might be the best long term thing to do. It is things like these that have prevented thing from degenerating at our home. We all gave up something.
I think a fairly easy
I think a fairly easy compromise here would be to get one of those bunks with a double bed on bottom and twin on top. You'll have MORE floor space in the room, both girls get a bad, and the teen has a double bed.
Everyone's happy!
My boys used to "paper, rock,
My boys used to "paper, rock, scissors" for the top bunk. They WANTED it.
Before SD14 came to live w/
Before SD14 came to live w/ us we gave her the 4th smaller bedroom - she came everyweekend and more on occasion though and we had the room! I used it when she wasn't there (DH snores like a BEAR)and my BD12 didn't want to share with her AT ALL - so we gave her the room. If we were in a diff situation; I would make sure that the children residing w/ you most are the most comfortable.
A twin bed is perfectly
A twin bed is perfectly acceptable for any kid that is not obese. Our girls shared a room that was 10 by 8 feet, so I built them one single loft that fit two twins. SD was there sometimes half sometimes full, then not for 5 months. We never considered not having a place for her, even when she told us she hated us and went to live with her mom . My daughter knew that no matter what SD was part of the family and she would not have asked to make the room just her own. All this helped in the end. Even with all the problems, there was care.
THANK YOU!!
THANK YOU!!
"the beds their parent wants
"the beds their parent wants to provide for them".
The dad wants to provide a twin bed for his kid.
Having one home is not lacking something, compared to having two. Having one home instead of two is a lucky thing.
I am talking about what, in
I am talking about what, in my opinion makes these situations work, which is some compromise. I am trying to give advice to those that would like things to work out. I don't think my situation would be where it is now, if I acted like that all the time. But hey, if this kind of attitude worked for you and your family and you now have a good thing going, then I have a lot to learn from you.
>>>Why should anyone have to
>>>Why should anyone have to NOT provide something for a child who LIVES WITH THEM for the sake of someone who does not and has their OWN HOME and does not even visit consistently. Silliness.<<<
This.
In my situation, it would be a bigger bed for DD15, and air mattress in the family room for when SD visits "maybe once a month".
Done.
SFFriend: Great for your
SFFriend:
Great for your decision - I gave my BD her own room because we had the room I said. My BD does know that SD is part of our family??? But when you have a SD that steals everything you own, breaks it and then calls you a B* - I think I made the right decisions. Each persons situation is 100% diff - you simply cannot clump people together - to each their own. If my SD was only there for a couple days a week I don't even think my DH would argue with me about this. I wouldn't make my SD sleep in the shed or anything but I would see that the children there would be more comfortable.
Sorry. I did not know that my
Sorry. I did not know that my post seemed to address you. I know nothing of your situation, so no clumping meant on my part.I am just trying my best to say what I think may help things work.
Maux, my stepbrothers shared
Maux, my stepbrothers shared a *gasp* sofabed in the *horrors!* rec room when they slept at our home overnight. They lived to tell about it, go figure.
But letting a step have a bed
But letting a step have a bed in your room is sure to send you to ....gasp...therapy. The horror of that twin bed in there. The abuse of not having that bigger bed....
>>>But letting a step have a
>>>But letting a step have a bed in your room<<<
Why would SD have a bed in my room? That's just freaky.
"they only deserve to have no
"they only deserve to have no home and nothing but occasional kid gets it all - and just in case she wants it despite ...."
say what? ....deserve to have no home?...... What? Letting a step have a bed in your room means that?
Ok, I rest my case.
I think this is all up to
I think this is all up to each family......damaging to the child - over a bed....really?? I don't think so. My SD14 lived in a 2x2 house in 1 bedroom w/ her brother and sister for years......so to tell you the truth she would have been happy to have her own couch. When she came over - we had more clothes for her then her own mother did. Now that she lives w/ us she has not 1 item at her mothers. I don't think it's about a bed or the size - If your SK is there a lot, then yes - I do think they should and deserve a spot; but if they really are not there I do not think that if they sleep on the couch or an air mattress they are going to be damaged for the rest of their lives.........at least they have parents that want them around.