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Respect me or leave me!

1wonder woman's picture

O.k I just found out my boyfriend broke another promise to me once again.. we've been living together for over a year now in my house. His ex texted me and asked me to take care of their 10 year old daughter she was sick. I agreed and my boyfriend went to pick his kid up from his ex wife's house after he got off work and his ex texted me I will have her up awake and ready to be picked up. Well not!!! When he came home with his kid he said it took him longer then normal to pick her up because he was having a hard time waking her the next day she is gone I asked him did you go inside your ex wife's house when you picked up your kid the other night? He said yes I did...I'm like you promised me you'd never go in her house ever again. He said his ex opened the door told him she was getting her out of bed and he walks in the house. He also goes up to the kids bedroom his ex says no my boyfriend is up here he was sleeping over. Anyway he said he went back down stairs and waited for his daughter. I have told him time and time again... You and your ex need to set boundaries and respect those boundaries. I told him I do not want you going inside your ex wife's house period! He says it's his kid he will do what ever he wants! We got into another fight! In the past he has respected my wishes but when ever he sees his ex wife's boyfriends car in the drive this is when he just walks in like he lives there. This is the second time he has done this both times her boyfriend was there. Once I was sitting outside in my car waiting on him and I was so pissed!we got into a huge fight! I told him this is not about trust or me wanting to control him it's about respecting me respecting his ex wife setting boundaries and respecting those boundaries. I think he is boiling inside she recently got engaged and this guy stays there alot now. His ex and him lived in this house for 20 years and I could tell he was upset that he was there when he told me he entered the house. Anyway I'm hurt I'm upset because he disrespecting me again. He does not give a hoot about my feelings.. He lives in my house and I feel he has no business going into his ex wife's house just like she never comes into our home.. I really think he will never put my wants first... My feelings first... It's not about control it's about respect... Am I right or wring here? Help!I told him respect me or leave me!

Valkyrie's picture

SO seems territorial at having another man in the house where his children are because this could feel the new guy is taking the role of Dad. BM seems decent and asks him to wait downstairs.
Having had a new SM in my daughter's life, I admit it can be difficult to adjust and it had nothing to do with wanting my ex back, more like they were playing the role of happy parents and I felt like I was being replaced. It takes a little while to adjust to the new dynamic and SO will have to find a way to accept that there is another man in his kids lives.

I can most certainly understand why you feel disrespected because as SM it always seems to be one thing on top of another and we're just expected to suck it up. However I hope my personal experience can be of use to you as only you can decide what is right for you and all the best with your situation.

1wonder woman's picture

Thank you for your input... It's so rough dating a man that's only been divorced for 2 1/2 years... I thought I could handle this since I came from a divorced family... I just get this feeling he cares more about what his ex wants instead of what I want. She sees no problem with him going into her house. He and I got into another big fight about him going into her house... He sees nothing wrong in it. That hurts me even more... He says I do not trust him... It's her that I do not trust and yes I do not trust him either... Because his mom told me how crazy in love he was about her. She wanted the divorce he did not. My feelings do not matter. I have so much to think about.. his ex text messages me now and we communicate well now. But his mom says when his ex is sweet look out she's up to something. Makes me nervous because I love this guy. But he seems to get all happy seeing his ex and I texting getting along so well. I've decided no more texting her back. I'm not married to feelings are deeply hurt I've cried all day and honestly I'm seriously thinking if it's his way or no way there's no way I will be able to continue to date this man. If someone cost me my happiness then I can't afford to have them in my life.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'm gonna be blunt... I'd NEVER go in BM's house. Ever. (Not just because it's filthy and feline infested) And I NEVER want her in mine.. She came in one (thanks MIL) and never again. It made me beyond unhappy... Some boundaries just shouldn't be crossed... Including my home being as BM free as possible.

Peanut575's picture

Id be angry too! I get that that *used to be* his house & his kid still lives there, but that does not give him the right to barge in just bc the new bf/fiancé is inside. If my DH behaved this way now that his ex has a bf, I’d be questioning whether he’d actually moved on or not. Doesn’t sound like someone who has fully let go to me.

I’m totally with you on this, he needs to respect boundaries (yours and his exes in this case) and treat you with respect. Just bc his fee fees are hurt bc his ex has a new fiancé & he’s in the house doesn’t give your BF the right to go storming in like that.

blueskies4me's picture

Give him the boot. He is behaving like they’re still married. Kick him out of your house.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Pack his stuff up and put it on the porch. He went into BM's house to try and mark his territory? Don't worry about thebrespect he gives you, what about the respect you give yourself?

Indigo's picture

Significant difference. We teach people how they should treat us. What do we think we deserve, and what do we expect?

Harry's picture

You are dealing with the way he is thinking. He doesn’t care about the way you feel. He should not go into the ex house.
That is over and he has to move on with a new life. But he givers himself an excuse to go into ex house. He does this because he want to do it. You most likely not going to change this in him.
He wants to play happy family with the ex, he wants to bring back old good memories ( weather they were good, or not. They are no good memories now)
Basically the ball is in your court now. Either put up with your whole life, it’s only going to get worst. School plays, sports, outside activities
Graduations, marriage, grand kids. Where SO and him will have to be together. And they will be together because they both want it.
Or cut him lose.

People who had an sexual history together, can not be together again, because there is always some thing there. People who tell you it’s OK because they do it. That just means they are the ones not letting go. There are plenty of EX who can’t let go. Just read there boards. Those people are wrong but make it like it’s OK
Have to do it because , because, because,

IslandGal's picture

Dead set. If hes so obsessed with his exes bf, then he hasnt moved on.

Tell him to go back to her or dont have a rs until he's completely over her.

I wouldn't put any faith in him whatsoever.

sammigirl's picture

There are two things here I read between the lines.

No trust.
No respect.

This is a problem with both parties here.

If it were me....I'm not advising; I would not continue this fight, if you both cannot trust or respect each other. This fight will never end and is only going to get worse. With that said, my DH has never really let his past with his Ex go; for reasons I'm not sure (maybe 3 kids later), but I don't care. BM stays away from me, I trust my DH, and I don't think about it. There's times I wouldn't mind giving my DH back to BM, they deserve each other, when DH acts like an idiot.

Move on with your life how you feel is necessary. You will need to set boundaries for yourself and decide which direction is best for you. Control is an evil thing in relationships. Control is the one thing that nearly ruined my marriage of 38 years; my DH and SD57 are very controlling people and that didn't work with my free spirit. I set boundaries for myself and I do not let it happen now.

Good Luck

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

You are handing your power over to him. Respect me or leave? That is an ultimatum. How may more times are you going to let him disregard how you feel about things? A third time? More?
If he does it again, will you ask him to leave? You didn't this time and it wasn't the first. Why should he believe you mean what you say?

This is about his boundaries - not yours. He is in a relationship with you but sees fit to be territorial over his ex? Hmmm, looks like he is still emotionally involved with his ex. Three people in a relationship? A bit too crowded for my taste.

If it is about respect and not control, respect yourself enough to call an end when some one disrespects you.

1wonder woman's picture

Myss.Tique D'Off ... Well there is more to this story you need to know.i own the house he is living in with me. I recently lost my job because I had health problems so he is living with me and paying all of the bills. He knows if I kick him to the curb would be a stupid thing to do... For I'm in a pickle right now no job no money he would of been kicked out if the situation was different. He knows I'm desperate right now... He is walking on thin ice with me right now. But I will have a new job soon and then I will do what I must do. Shape up or ship out! You really see someones true colors from someone when you are at your lowest... I love this guy but again I'm not stupid once I'm on my feet trust me I will be saying respect me or get out! If this man cost me my happiness then I can't afford to have him in my life!