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Recent E-mails, Brought to you by Kevin The Man

Kevin The Man's picture

OK, OK, before anyone gets curlered (new word brought to you by Kevin The Man) I have been e-mailing my woman and this is what she has said along with my reply.

> There's so much love between us, but there's
> also so much that we just butt heads over time and time
> again. Yes. Last night I wanted you, wanted to make love to
> you and would have if you'd touched me. But the anger is
> there. And when it surfaced so quickly, it just made me
> think that we're better off apart. I spent most of
> yesterday either in tears or close to it and have woken in
> the same state. I know that you're furious with
> me, and maybe you need to hate me to let go. I don't
> know. I hate the timing of all of this because it is
> Father's Day, and you're the only Father that Holden
> and Jacob have ever known. We're not celebrating
> Father's Day today. If we can figure out how to
> make it through this, then we'll celebrate Father's
> Day with all of the bells and whistles that we'd
> originally intended. I just can't get the kids hopes up
> unless we can get through our issues.
> I love you.

To My Dearest Heather,
You are missing it completely. I am not mad, I am frustrated at the fact that right here in your neighborhood you have a loving, good man that loves you and your boys and your dog and you seem fit to just walk away without giving it some work. We are both far from perfect and one day I had a loving family, then the next it was swept out from under my feet, in front of my eyes. I do not hate you, I just wish you would make SOME kind of effort. Go to counseling with me, learn to work through our issues, and be better people on the other side of it. I also don't have issue with your mother, just perhaps her blind judging of me and you inherent lack of even trying to smooth out the edges so we could have had a nice time. (asking me not to do the things she doesn't like around her, I would have gladly obliged.) I do not need to hate anyone to let them go, I am just choosing for the first time in your life to be the man that stands by your side through
thick and thin and definitely NOT abandoning the boys. I am not giving up on you as others have in your past.
I marched off to see the boys today to give them hugs as a father would on Fathers Day, it is not all about me, even though it felt good, it was an action for them. I made love to you after that because I wanted to make sweet love to YOU, no one else. I give and I give but I rarely give apologies, so, here we go:

1. I am truly sorry for asking Holden to keep something from you and didn't see the error of my ways until a lady on Step Parenting site opened my eyes. I have never been a parent which is a weak excuse, but rest assured it will be me and you sharing those adult opinions from now on.

2. I apologize for my excessive drinking and smoking, (although you think I smoke irregularly) my drinking MUST be curbed and I have seen it become the flash point of several arguments and it affects my moods causing me to be short and brash. My excuses for drinking are weak at best and although I DO have trouble sleeping, the drinking can be kept away from you during the time that I curb it to a minimum.

3. Sharing has always been a hot topic for you. I wish that you could see it a bit differently and from my point of view. YES, Holden's shirt was wrong of me to destroy, he loved that shirt, I get it. The bucket and Peeps are different and although I perfectly understand where you are coming from, I work really hard to take into account, to put you and the boys first in my life. I do. As I would think you would be silly to call me up and ask me to use the grill while I was at work, I see asking permission for Peeps to be right along this same line. I would like to work with you on this, work with professionals if need be, however I believe that we can honestly hone this one down ourselves. Perhaps it would become clearer if it was OURS together.

4. Arguing and just how badly we (I) do it. I apologize for taking it to a personal level with you and not handling it correctly or maturely. I have never known anything BUT, make the other guy shut up. SOOOO, I propose that this IS something we need a professional to help us with and I believe that when we start working constructively, even with arguing, then we will begin to see the rest fall into place.

Did I miss anything?? I am a bit hard on the boys and it is a normal 'Call in The Marines!!' reaction that step-parents both male and female have. I think you keep me in check about this and that although I have pushed the boys, they are better for it. This condition for me wares off and rarely lasts long. I actually think we work very well together when we are both WORKING TOGETHER, I have always thought that!! My question to you is.... are we going to succeed and make our lives fantastic by hard work, compromise, love, and understanding, or are we just going to watch another relationship that we DO care about fall to the wayside and be turned asunder??

"I wonder what it is like being you, knowing someone cares for you the way I do"
-random Country song

I don't know, maybe having me love you is not something you deem as being special anymore. Life changes and I am willing to change with it. If it seems as though you cannot accept my apologies and see yourself as totally opposed to working on something you so obviously care about (you wouldn't be upset), then I will walk away. I will hate myself for my behavior and see myself as a bad person. I have always wanted what is best for you and the boys, and yes, Bradley too, and if that means not being there, in your lives, then so be it. Obviously, that is not what I want, and, if you ask your heart, neither do you. I know you love me Heather, there is no doubt in my mind. Lets grow old together and face the storms together united and one, side by side.

With all of that written, I will never give up on you. I will never turn my back on you. I will never see anyone as the mother of my children BUT you. I will always take offense to people that lend an opinion against you. I will never leave you lonely. I will never leave you cold. I will always do my best to protect your heart.

Early on in the relationship you did something, I cannot remember exactly what, but you asked for a redo. A do over. I am asking you for the same now.

Your loving and faithful man, friend, and lover,



Kevin The Man's picture

I just spoke with her and she wishes to seek guidance through a professional as to our little nit picks. I couldn't be happier. She has asked for space and although it may be sliding on a razor blade hard as hell, I will do it. Would it seem out of line for me to ask the boys over this weekend to watch a movie?? I am not asking that Heather is obligated to come but just the boys to possibly reconnect after all of these mixed emotions they must have for me and my future in their family.

Stick's picture

I know how hard it is to give someone space when all you want is to be with them. It's hard not to look at taking space like it's the beginning of the end. That is a fear you have to fight right now.

I once had a girlfriend... a lonngg time ago.... that asked her boyfriend to give her some space because things had just gotten a little too crazy. And he didn't. He pursued her and called her and went to her house. And she finally ended it. And I'll never forget her crying to me, sitting outside on a porch. Saying, " I just wanted a little space... a little time to think. If he had just let me alone for a minute." And she was so sad and devastated. It didn't make quite sense to me back then. She loved him, so why didn't his constant attention work??

Now? Well, you can't miss someone if they don't give you the opportunity! I'm not saying "play a game". But you are writing her these beautiful e-mails telling her you will always do what is best to protect her heart. But what if, protecting her heart, is by not seeing you for a while?

I strongly discourage you to ask the boys to come over for a movie. She could end up as taking that as manipulation of her sons. To gain access to her... to see HER when you pick up, drop them off... Whatever. I will be blunt here. I think it's a bad idea. I understand you want to reconnect. But please.... if you want this to work... I don't think this is the time to do that. It could only further cloud her mind.

If you can, and if she will, what I suggest to you, is to say... "Ok.. I'll give you space. I want to do this to work things out." And tell her you will NOT call her, email her, text her, skype her, twitter her, Facebook her, IM her, drive by, walk by, peek in her window!! Smile But the caveat is, she needs to try to set a time limit WITH YOU. That way, for you, the space will not be an indefinite amount of time. For her, she can rest assured that she will indeed have that time to get her thoughts together without interference. This is a counselor suggested exercise that was used by a good friend of mine and a boyfriend that were going through some serious, horrible communication and fighting issues. It helped them both.

The next thing I'd suggest is to make the rendevous date a date for you and her alone at a restaurant or someplace you can take the time to talk and really enjoy each other. Perhaps you could have this date before you go to your first counseling session!

And the most important thing you can do during that time... is to look at her... at yourself... and at the relationship... without all of the drama surrounding it. How many times in the heat of the moment do we speak, or act, and then later just say to ourselves... If only I had taken a step back? This is your chance to step back, without losing her.