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Received recent diagnosis...not for SD...but for me.

lostandalone's picture

Quick history recap:

Both DH and I widowed in 2005
Married each other in 2007
I am American, DH is British, and we live in England.
I have:
19yr old Daughter (at university)
He has:
15-year-old daughter (we get along great!)
11-year-old daughter (Serial killer in training)

For 4 years I have taken 11SD to various doctors and specialists to get a straight answer about what is wrong with her physically (walks like a gimp), emotionally (no conscience) and behaviourally (lies, steals, cheats).

Only to be told...there is nothing "wrong" with her...she is the way she is, through her own choice.

She is the only Dh and I fight about.
Even her own sister cannot stand to deal with her.
And there seems to be no end in sight for her disruptive, disobedient and disrespectful it has gotten steadily worse (despite counselling, creative parenting, punishments and positive reinforcements) in the past 4 years.


Meanwhile, after getting more and more symptoms I could not ignore, I finally took me to the doctors for a change...and was diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome (Pronounced SHOW-grins)
It is a form of Lupus, which also affects my glands.
In my case, the dr's are worried it has affected the glands associated with my lungs...and am currently undergoing various, fairly invasive testing, to determine if I have lung cancer.

They have told me that, “Stress” exacerbates my symptoms and pain.
“Stress” is the daily bread we live on around here.

I have nothing left to give.
I simply don't have the energy to care any longer what is wrong with her...
or why...
I just want it to go away so I can deal with ME for a change.

At my wits end...don't know what to do.
I cannot let this continue to get to me or this kid...and her quite literally going to kill me!

Please help.
I am scared.
I am all alone.
And I am out of ideas.

Nobratsallowed's picture

I'm here, lostandalone. My daughter was diagnosed with lupus at one point, then they changed their mind and she is waiting to go to Mayo Clinic to find out just what the hell IS going on. The stress in her life was a definite factor in pain, etc. How does her father deal with his daughter's behavior, etc.? You DO need to just worry about you and take care of yourself. Let your DH deal with her, without your input. You must disengage. It takes practice and patience from yourself to yourself, but it's worth it.

Take care and know that you are not alone...just lost for a bit. Find your Self. Love her.

lostandalone's picture

My DH is a professional navigator of the river known as "denial".
He just wants us to all "get along".
Preferably without him having to get too involved.
For paying attention to what is done or not, said or not, or any developmental stages reached...or not.
He seems to want to treat this all like it is some sort of "stage" she is going to "grow out of".
But it's been four years...and it's getting worse.

Professional help doesn't seem to "help" at all...

Because even the times I have convinced him we have to take her to some sort of mental health professional (three different ones thus far…)
...they only hear that her biological mother died when she was 4...and that's it.

End of story.
That's all they want to hear.
They have the excuse.
And will gladly blame everything/anything on that and only that.
But after 4 years of observation I am here to tell you it is NOT that.

I no longer have the energy for this.
I barely have the energy to complain about it any more. I ever going to be able to focus on me and MY problems…like the possibility that I may be terminally ill…and she is going to drive me to an even earlier grave?!?!?

Oh help.

losingmyhair's picture

You have my sympathy. I'm in something of the same boat.

I have a neuromuscular disorder that's pretty rare and is genetic.

Stepkid is a hypochondriac and is now copying symptoms (even though s/he knows it is genetic and impossible to have) and complaining about the pain (but doesn't quite get the symptoms right - looked over my shoulder when I was on a support forum; it's pretty clear that the new "symptoms" are a misunderstanding of the forum postings).

Also complains about paper cuts, hiccups, pain when popping fingers (um, don't pop?), and everything else you can think of. We've spent so much on doctor and dental visits that are not needed.

Of course, biomom encourages all this, because she'd rather make our lives hell than help her kid get emotionally healthy.

I think kid is hoping I'll make her/him an appointment with my neuro. Not going to happen. Never ever. It took me a long time to be taken seriously, and there is no way I'm going to start parading complaining family members in and out of the office - ones who can't possibly even ever have what I have!

I know I should be kind and patient (and I do act like it, and I do remind myself constantly that she is not in a good place mentally - I just come here when I'm afraid I will begin to roll my eyes or say what I'm thinking) because the kid has clear emotional problems. We are following a professional's advice, which is to just ignore her complaints and change the subject. But it can be so frustrating to deal with her hypochondria on top of an actual physical illness, and even though I know it isn't personal, it can still feel insulting that she thinks we can't see the obvious.