Ready to Disengage...With one question
Forums:
I have made the decision to disengage. I am tired of being the rule enforcer, the manners police and DH's bodyguard. If it doesn't bother DH that ss4 can't say "please", "thank you", or "excuse me" why should it bother me? If DH doesn't mind telling ss4 the same thing 100 times, why should I care? And if DH doesn't mind that ss4 doesn't follow the house rules, neither do I.
From this point forward my lips are zipped. My focus will be on spending time with DS5months. I don't care about ss4's behavior anymore, it's not a reflection on me because I'm not his parent.
I do have a question though, how did you ladies and gentlemen disengage? Did you cut off all interaction or did you just stop disciplining?
At 4, your SS is younger than
At 4, your SS is younger than my skids, but the premise is probably the same. If he asks your permission for something, or wants your help, you can say, "you'll have to ask your dad (or mom)". If he's misbehaving, you get to play broken record with your husband...."honey, SS4 needs your attention." He'll likely tire of it real quickly, and you may even see him start to parent his child.
After only a couple weeks of me not handling all of SD19s "problems', her dad (my DH) is realizing how much work she can be...even at 19! He told me the other day he didn't realize how much energy/time/effort I put into helping her....until now, that I'm not doing it. My go to line for the last several weeks has been, "you'll have to ask your mom or dad about that"....my life has gotten much easier! And I'm realizing how much I've been missing out on time with DD9, becuase I was so busy "being there" for SD19.
Hoping you'll find a nice balance and a hubby that recognizes issues quickly.
^ EXCELLENT ADVICE!
^ EXCELLENT ADVICE!
I wrote this a long time ago
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
I disengaged teenagers but the basics are the same. You don't correct (short of a emergency) and you don't discipline. Are you going to babysit as when Dad is at work or is just visitation. If its just visitation you make sure Dad understands that SS stays with him - after all the point of him visiting is to see Dad not you.
Dad wants to spend time bowling without the kid - well kid stays with Mom. There will come a time when your bio-kid gets a ice cream and you've got to include the SS but since Daddy is there he'll be buying anyway.
^ EXCELLENT advice! However,
^ EXCELLENT advice!
However, I would add that watching the SS4 when Daddy is at work, etc. is a huge, huge no-no. When SS4 is in your home, he is there to see his father, not you. Thus, scheduling visitations, etc. should be done around when DAD is the one who is available to watch him.
I cannot stress this enough. You will NOT be able to disengage properly and force your DH to be the father he is supposed to be unless you do this.
When I asserted my right to NOT be a babysitter to his children, my DH was naturally hurt. However, I simply reiterated that they didn't come to see ME, that they came to spend time with HIM. HE is the one they love, not me.
It's a brutal move, but essential.
Very well put, OC-- That is
Very well put, OC--
That is the point that seems hard for some to grasp...."I'm not your friend, but I'm not the enemy either." Some see disengaging or detaching as a form of punishment toward the stepkids, when in reality it is merely a self-protective mechanism which also happens to give them the chance to learn by natural consequences and mature at an age-appropriate level.
Thanks for sharing your story and wise words....
I have tried to disengage but
I have tried to disengage but cannot totally. I have more success with ss15 then with ss18. What do you do when they are slobs in your home? When they eat all your food? I am ready to start just taking my kids out for meals and not buy food anymore. My boys are half the sz of my ss's and eat half the amount. I buy milk so my boys can eat but they get one glass each of the two gallons and the rest gets guzzled by ss18? What do you do when you buy chocolate chips for cookies to make your sons and the ss eats them all in the middle of the night? How do you disengage and not blow a hole thru the top of your home with anger?
What do you do when they are
What do you do when they are slobs in your home?
*****You tell them to pick up their stuff. Tell them what isn't picked up and put in their room, will be tossed in the trash. Or you can be their maid and pick it up yourself.....
When they eat all your food? I am ready to start just taking my kids out for meals and not buy food anymore. My boys are half the sz of my ss's and eat half the amount. I buy milk so my boys can eat but they get one glass each of the two gallons and the rest gets guzzled by ss18? What do you do when you buy chocolate chips for cookies to make your sons and the ss eats them all in the middle of the night?
****** If you haven't already, I'd suggest sitting down with them at the table and discussing the rules. At 15 & 18, they'll be looking for more freedom/independence...to be treated more like young adults. Explain to them that to get this treatment, they'll need to start behaving more like young adults. If they've never been held responsible for their behavior, some of this may come as a shock to them....so be specific, ie., you may have 3 glasses of milk a day, or I have bought __________ for a recipe, so please do not eat them during the night.....
Good luck. Undoing 15 or 18 years of bad habits is gonna be a lot of work.
I agree. Part of the fear of
I agree. Part of the fear of blowing a hole with your anger comes from not having been able to draw the line earlier in the process. You will find that setting down a few rules and expectations openly stops you being so angry if the rules get broken. For example when my SKs were children and staying with us, if they hogged the food I would say, "hey! you're hogging the food!" in a calm jokey voice and I would not then have to get cross because they then backed off guiltily. If they don't back off, of course that would be infuriating, but then at least you would have an actual clear act of disrespect to deal with from a disciplinary point of view, either by yourself or asking DH to take the responsibility. It is a really important social skill for any growing child to be able to look at a refrigerator, table or plate of food and mentally divide it into what they feel they can legitimately ask for. Everyone bears responsibility for fair sharing between a group. Most of us do it naturally but if skids don't, they need that lesson and their bioparent needs to be reminded to give it to them because, otherwise, he is not doing them any favours for their future life in the real outside world. This should be pointed out at length IMO, in a helpful jolly upbeat fashion.