Rant and needing advice...
DF and I have had a pretty great relationship. We have some issues when it's just us and my three kids (kids fussing and normal stuff) but mostly we have fun and laugh and play. We always have issues when we add his two kids. The four oldest fuss, bicker, tattle and are rude to each other. Seldom is it any fun at all.
My kids get spankings if they step out of line. Since my first husband passed away I became the disciplinarian because it wasn't long after his death I realized feeling bad for them and giving them what THEY want was the wrong way to parent. DF is one to fuss at his kids, threaten a punishment and then never follow through. He babies them and when they do wrong my kids get the blame. He wants to be the favorite parent. I get that but there has to be a limit to this. Things came to a head last night and I lost my cool on all of the kids and told them that they had to straighten up. DF was still at work. His kids walked out of the house, mine apologized for their wrongs and asked what I needed them to do to make things right. Df picks up his kids and he leaves pissed at me! He calls me later to tell me I made his kids feel unwelcome so they walked out. Then proceeds to tell me everything that is wrong with my kids and then when I'm in tears says well, mine aren't perfect, I know. Problem is that he thinks they are.
For those of y'all blending larger families, how do you make it work? How do you find peace and how the heck do you prove the point that no one is perfect! Df came from a home where his SM's kids were glorified and him and his siblings weren't so he is hell bent on everyone being equal and I'm fine with that BUT he has now taken the stance that he will be taking his kids sides from now on. That's not being equal, that's being one sided!
^^^^Same for Me^^^^^ DH will
^^^^Same for Me^^^^^
DH will fuss and fight and get defensive, He will throw my kids under the bus or hide things from me (like SD being put in special education) about his kids.
But after the dust settles from the fight...he changes his parenting and starts noticing and helping...
He hears me, he just gets defensive and makes a huge fight first. I've now stopped playing into his defensive and "we can NEVER do anything good enough for you" victim reactions and things seem to be getting better and less dramatic
My DH did that too. For a
My DH did that too. For a while it was military(he's ex army) strict set of rules my kids must follow or have everything they have taken away. But his kids...oh the sun set and rose on their precious fucking heads. They never did wrong and when they did it wasn't their fault, they need more compassion, more attention, more more more because the poor little darlings are COD's. He always took their side. Well, I and my kids got tired of it. When his kids were there and they broke a rule he set for my kids I would call them and him on it. Tell him, but when one of mine do it this happens so wtf??? Again, COD, I told him well, so our mine, so now I'm going to indulge their every whim, wait on them hand and foot and treat them as if they shit money and piss gold dust. I will only be on their side from now on and only do what they want me to do and not worry about anyone elses feelings. I did just that, for 1 and a half days and guess what...he finally calmed his shit and sat down with me to talk about proper actions and parenting for his evil spawn. It's still a work in progress but it has gotten a lot better. But you have to be clear and non yeilding with the boundaries you set. Never back down. Once you do that will be all he expects. Good luck sweety.
We blended 8 kids. 2 are out
We blended 8 kids. 2 are out of the home now but it was kind of tough at first. You both have to be on the same page especially when it comes to discipline .. something we learned through trial and error. SS's thought BS got special treatment. SD thought BD got special treatment.. so on and so forth. That wasn't the case, but older SK's were trying to manipulate.. kids learn that at an early age, especially COD's.
Your SO needs to not threaten punishment and not follow through. That just lets them know they can get away with whatever. I actually have been guilty of this myself and it is not a fun thing to reverse, even at an early age.
he needs to accept that what
he needs to accept that what his kids are. Yes you take full responsibility on yours why cant he. Same happened to me, I would be very hard on my daughter while his would just get away with a "talk". Until one day Thank God he realized how manipulated he was by his daughter and son.
Good luck, its not easy being step parent yet alone of two.