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Question Why would the school allow this behavior without harsher discipline action ?

Bostenstep12's picture

Three years ago SS stop coming over to our house as he did not like our "rules".  Our rules were he could not steal from us or swear at us. Good riddance as far as I'm concerned let him be BM's problem. SS has had behavioral problem since late middle school. BM made excuses saying he had depression and his ADHD made it hard for SS. I call bull crap he was just a spoiled disrespectful brat. His piss poor attitude poured over into school and just got worse as he got older. Of course BM blames it on SO for "turning his back on his poor child" BUT SS had problems BEFORE this. Anyways SO has access to the school website where we can see SS's grades,tardies,detention ect. SS is now a senior in high school with a cumulative GPA of 69 AND thats only because of fluff classes like gym and art. This year he is failing almost every class. SS has been tardy 70 times and absent 9 times just this year. SS also has a habit of cutting classes.  They had a meeting with the principle and BM with SS last month to discuss this but things have not improved. SS has had like 2 lunch detentions and one afterschool detention which he cut and that is it. There has been no suspension in or out of school for any of this.

Again I'm SO thankful its not my problem BUT can't wonder why the school does not do more than just a couple of detentions for all SS has doen? Why does everyone including the school allow SS to get away with unexceptable behavior? In 7 months SS will be an adult. How the heck will he function in the adult world?

notsobad's picture

They don't care. When the parents make tons of excuses and don't do anything to discipline them at home the school stops too. As long as he isn't disruptive in class or detention they don't care. He won't be their problem much longer.

Bostenstep12's picture

what if he does not graduate? In the school website the guidance counselor wrote if SS's grades/attendance do not  improve he will NOT graduate. Then what? Will they be stuck with him another year?

notsobad's picture

Not sure, but as is said on here so often, You can not care about the child more than the biological parent. That goes for the schools too.

Here kids are only allowed to attend regular school until they are 18, in some cases 19 depending when their birthday is. So if they fail to graduate they have to pay for a GED program or pay for upgrading at post secondary. Most will live off mommy and daddy or try to find work, only to discover that they need a HS diploma. It's a hard lesson but that's the only way some kids learn.

ITB2012's picture

Meaning, a HS the kids go to if they really are too bad at regular HS (and that means they are nearly criminal level) or don't finish. It seems that that next HS experience may help. I know the principal and he has told me about some of the life-lessons they try to instill in addition to getting the kids to pass classes.

Siemprematahari's picture

The school can only do so much. If the parents are not assisting the child and getting him whatever help he needs it all comes down to the parents and SS. If he doesn't graduate he may do another year, hoping he gets the credits to graduate. Your SO and BM have to light a fire in his @ss and give him real consequences.

ITB2012's picture

When the participant ribbons started that opened the door to all sorts of accommodations and excuses and "leveling" in the schools. There are schools, like my son's HS, where they can't do certain things due to district and state rules. The kids know they can get away with things and the administration and teacher's hands are tied.

The HS finally worked out a partial solution this year and it seems to be working. I'm glad because last year I nearly told off a couple of students while waiting for my son. I would never have allowed him to get away with the way these kids were acting.

I also got told by the elementary principal when I was shocked and angered that they didn't tell me my son, first grade at the time, had gotten in a fight at recess. Nothing. No note, no call. She said that most parents expect the school to handle it and don't want to be bothered. I told her to put a note in my son's file that I expect to be told and want to be bothered. (This after my son told me about it and I made him write an apology letter to the kid and the principal.)

Every kid is the exception so there is no rule anymore. They are just doing time. My son told me the other night about a kid in one of his classes that talks on his phone during class and shushes the teacher! So glad I'm not a teacher, I'd a been fired by now.

tog redux's picture

My SS19 was late all the time, absent all the time, crap grades, crap behavior - and they pushed him right through. They were not going to have that jerk wreck their 4-year graduation rate.  

If your SS shows up and puts his name on a few papers, they will make sure he passes. They don't want to deal with kids like him.  

My SS is now in Community College, no clue how he's doing, since he and BM won't divulge that information. 

sunshinex's picture

I wasn't a good student in high school. I had a lot of emotional issues/lack of family support and I simply didn't care, so I skipped class about 90% of the time. I actually never graduated (but I'm one of the rare few who manages life afterwards in an entrepreneurial way) but the school didn't do anything about it. They met with me a couple times, called my parents, and eventually, they realized that nobody really cared on my side so why would they? They just gave me disapproving looks everyday lol.  

Bostenstep12's picture

as he seems to get alot of final 65's which is the passing grade for our school district. BM is a TOTAL helicopter parent and SS is her WHOLE world. I KNOW for a fact shes doing everything she could possibly do to help SS. The fact she's been unsuccessful in getting SS to school on time and to better his grades tells me she has no control over him and he's basically running wild. She must be going insane. Yes I get satisfaction in knowing this. SO tried for years to get BM to back him with consequences for SS's crappy behavior but BM refused and made excuses for SS. I call this Karma. Yes some may see me as a b-tch but both BM and SS have but both SO and I through hell. Seven for months and SS with no longer be a minor and family court will no longer stick thier nose in trying to get SO to "back down" on house rules and take SS back. Just got to make it 7 more months!

tog redux's picture

Your situation sounds a lot like ours. My SS refused to speak to DH for 3 years and spent that time at BM's doing whatever he pleased all the time, whereas our house had rules.

I thought BM was going insane, too, but now that SS is back, I realize that she's happy when does poorly because it means she will a) get to play the "poor me, single mother with a difficult kid whose father doesn't care" card, and b) it ensures SS will be dependent on her forever.

shamds's picture

Both of ss parents are responsible for this kid. If the parents aren’t committed to change, the school isn’t gonna waste their time. If he fails this final year then i doubt he’d repeat but probably drop out instead based on his attitude and behaviour which i suspect the school thinks too..

tog redux's picture

Not always on both parents.  My SS was alienated all through high school and the school gave lip service to interacting with DH, but they basically cut him out.  He tried and tried to give them feedback on what was really going on in BM's home but they didn't listen to him.  You can't do anything to help a high school kid who won't speak to you and won't come to your home. How my SS did in high school is all on him and BM.

Harry's picture

Really wants to deal with this kid?  To them, parent are doing nothing.  Give that kid his diploma and say good by. Make him someone else’s problem.  

Why do you think that the school should be doing the work of a parent.  Are they supposed to send someone to kids house to wake him up, get him dressed. 

Rags's picture

His father gave up on him 3 years ago and you are irritated that the school does not parent this kid?

Where is dad in all of this?

I agree that the school should have booted his ass long ago but... schools do not get funding for kids that they kick out.  So it is no surprise that they are coddling him until they can hand him his diploma, pat him on the ass, and send him on this way to be someone elses problem.

Fortuneately for you.. that someone else is most likely going to be BM.