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Question for those with bio children with their partner

thisgirlrighthere's picture

Do you worry that your children will turn out like your stepchildren? I worry about this often.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

SD is almost 13 and DD is almost 3. At this age, DD likes to repeat and mimic things that people so or say (it actually started sooner than this age). SD thinks it’s funny when DD does some things and DH and I have flat out told SD not to do certain things around her sister because we don’t want her to learn certain things. 

One of the most annoying things is slurping her saliva. SD has allergies (although she won’t believe me) and has had a stuffy nose as long as I’ve known her. She constantly breathes with her mouth open, and instead of closing her mouth and swallowing, she slurps her spit like someone slurping soup. *bad* Well, you guessed it, DD now does the same thing! Ack!

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I'm lucky that SD isn't around enough for our daughter (almost the same age as yours) to pick up on her bad habits. I just more worry about the mental health side of it. 

GoingWicked's picture

I used to, but now that they’re older not.at.all.  My kids might not be social butterflies, but they’re polite, they share, thay’re kind.  Not that my SD doesn’t have good qualities, I’d say she is hardworking, and DH and BM did instill that at least, but she definitely isn’t kind, generous, or polite to those around her, and now that she’s a teen you can really see how the piss poor parenting (yes DH is included), did her a disservice.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

Our daughter is 2.5, and I've been doing my research about the personality disorder SD and BM are diagnosed with, and apparently it can begin to develop as early as 2. I just worry so much about our daughter developing it as well. A big part of me worries its genetic, but if it's learned behaviour that might also make sense why her mother is diagnosed as well. 

shellpell's picture

No, we are long distance, thank heaven. When he is here, I don’t let my two little ones spend time with him, only rarely and under my close supervision.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

SD is long distance too and rarely comes to visit. My worry is not so much picking up their quirks, but SD is diagnosed with a pretty serious personality disorder. I worry often about our daughter developing it as well, so much so I'm considering therapy to navigate what to do or not do that May aide in her not developing this personality disorder. SD's mother is also diagnosed with the same personality disorder. 

shellpell's picture

If it’s a disorder passed down from BM, then I wouldn’t worry much. Just be mindful of your kids and don’t let them interact too much so your daughter doesn’t mimic any unsavory behavior. Cordial, hi-bye, oh we have to go to ballet or a play date now, etc. don’t let people who want to strangely elevate a half-sibling relationship influence you. Half is half and if one half is dangerous or a bad influence, then game over. No encouraging a relationship.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I do encourage a relationship, however, at a distance and I would never trust SD to be alone with my daughter because of how her moods shift at the blink of an eye and how she takes out her mood swings on others 

shellpell's picture

Why would you encourage a relationship with someone who is potentially a bad influence on your child and who can change moods like that? My children’s safety and impressionable nature are my top concerns. I don’t care who it is, I will keep them away as much as I can from those who can negatively impact them.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I fully agree with you ! I just mean that I encourage a relationship, so long as it's at a distance and always with my supervision. I would never want to cut off contact 100%. I just see how crazy our daughter is about SD , so in her interest , I fully support a relationship, so long as she's never without my supervision , and when she's old enough to understand why. SD is toxic, no question about it, but when my daughter sees her picture and asks when SD is coming to visit her, I don't want to deny her that either 

Harry's picture

SD got hers from BM. It’s not learned, so it’s not likely your bio DD will have a personality disorder.  You just have to make sure your DD. Does not learn it’s ok to stupid things.   That her half sisters is a sick person and is not normal 

thisgirlrighthere's picture

That's what I'm hoping, as bad as it sounds. 50% of the equation is out of our daughter. But I still have this fear that it's learned and not genetic. 

Frustrated future SM's picture

This is a major concern of mine. I hate the way BF's 2 kids behave and I've actually said to him that I'd be devastated if our DD ended up becoming just like them. BF wants so badly for both girls to grow up together and be best friends too, but there's no way in hell I'm going to let his daughter ruin our DD. It stinks because DD is close in age to his daughter and they come around weekly so it's definitely a possibility. I rarely allow DD to spend time alone with his kids though. My goal is to set the best example I can and to make sure she always has other friends and activities going on so that she barely has time to spend with his kids.

elkclan's picture

My mom has a PD. BM has a PD. Yes, there is a genetic component, but there is also a LEARNED component. Why wouldn't there be? If you see certain behaviours modelled in your home, then you learn those behaviours. My mom is a narc. No rules applied to her. I learned rules don't matter. I once - as an adult - asked my mother to follow a rule/social convention that makes life easier for everyone and has zero burden - basically stand on the right and walk on the left on escalators in London. She got angry and said "When did you become such a rule follower?". I learned that I should talk about myself at evey opportunity, because you might not get a next one. I've had to unlearn that one. I also learned my needs don't matter...

Yes it worries the crap out of me that SSs are being raised in a home like that with a raging mother. I worry for their sake and I worry that this toxic behaviour will seep into my home for my sake and my son's. I worry especially because I KNOW what it's like growing up with a crazy mother with a peronality disorder and how it has affected me. There won't be any 'ours' baby, but I wouldn't worry about the genetic component if there were - at least from my DH's side, because he's calm, measured and emotionally well-regulated. I would a bit from my side. 

Sure your SD could have inherited the PD from her mother. Her behaviour may be partially learned as well. Yes, some of that genetic component could have come from your DH and make your DD susceptible. You don't know what kind of genetic secrets are lurking in your own DNA.  But if your household functions in a healthy way and SD is not around too much, then your DD isn't going to learn disordered behaviour. Or at least that disordered behaviour - we all have things we pass to our kids that we wish we wouldn't. 

MrsStepMom's picture

We have been trying, not pregnant yet, and i fear this daily. I told DH my child WILL NOT be raised the same way and he will be on board and not make me the bad guy by being the one to enforce the rules. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Wait, I thought you were getting a divorce? Please don't get pregnant!

Concernedparent1213's picture

Yes. Always.

But I take solace in a few things.

I'm the primary caregiver of my infant daughter. SO is the primary caregiver of SD.

I take infant daughter to daycare, and spend all day with her, I work 7-3.  SO takes SD to daycare, works 4-6pm. By the time they get home, infant daughter is asleep. I limit the time DD gets with SD dramatically, and never alone time. DD does not even get much time with SO, unless it's bedtime and she's awake.

I'm making sure I'm going to be the main parent in raising DD, and yes, she will get things that SD will not. I already take DD to the park, and on all of my outings.

Not the healthiest dynamic, I know, but it works. I don't have to worry about DD being influenced.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I feel bad but I honestly don't want SD being around my daughter too much. My daughter is crazy about her, but at this age she's crazy about everyone. I fully embrace a relationship, but at arms length and never one on one without my supervision 

Thisisnotus's picture

OMG I was going to post this yesterday. YES YES YES this is a HUGE fear of mine. I am terrified of our 1 year old sharing any similar qualities as my  SD's. My bio DDs are total opposites of my SD's and I hope to god that our shared child will be like my bio kids. My MIL watches the baby a few days a week and majorly contributed to the needy shit show that is my SD's, so I have extra fear b/c of her influence. As the baby gets older, I will evaluate the situation.

My SD's are needy, extremely immature, sheltered, sickly, very unhealthy eating habits, poor self care....they wear rags for clothes basically and never even come close to matching their clothes that are usually two sizes to small and nobody even cares or notices. It is a miracle if they brush their hair or teeth before school.  As I've said before they are 11 and 16....but act like 4 and 7-ish and that is no joke. They are afraid of everything..roller coasters..anything remotely "scary".....created by their parents and MIL.

It isn't their fault, but I'll be damned if our shared child is like that. I have in a nice way, pretty much told my DH that it won't happen. For example, SD16 was like 12 before they allowed her to listen to ANY music other than kids bop. That is not my parenting style....I am not the parent who tries to shelter my kids. I actually feel bad for my SDs because they are so far behind mentally and socially compared to their peers.

shellpell's picture

How do ppl respond when their child says “what about ss or sd? Why do they do or get to do xyz?” Do you explain that they have different mothers and they live elsewhere?

flmomma08's picture

I do worry about SD influencing my BD. But I have to remember, I am raising BD, not BM. I have actual authority over what BD does and doesn't do. I have no authority with SD. I can give my opinions (which I do give plenty of them) but at the end of the day, its her bio parents' call. Hopefully me raising BD differently will be enough. I know how strong bad influences can be. I can only hope for the best and do everything I can to raise BD right.

shamds's picture

because all 3 skids are narcissists, manipulative, lazy, rude, disrespectful and have no respect for boundaries. They expect to do nothing and that rich daddy bails them out etc...

i have told hubby i will not allow ss20 who lives with us when not at university to pass these traits to our kids. Its excuse after excuse and the most stupidest ones you’ve heard... imaginary stress syndrome is a popular one when asked to do chores or to not pretend we’re all invisible...

I have told my husband i will not tolerate any more bad behaviour and toxic feral shit from his kids and if hubby dares to say “they need more time, be patient” i tell hubby i want a divorce. 4.5 yrs to tolerate abusive shot for no reason other than skids want to is appalling and unacceptable 

when 3 skids will be at a family event, i refuse to go until hubby can show me in writing that he’s sat down to explain to them what needs to change and that they not do inappropriate things with our kids. Sd’s are the worst at this always trying to make my kids look messy and dirty in front of family so they look perfect. Except my inlaws know all 3 skids are dysfunctional and toxic ferals to a degree.

i’m lucky because in a few months time me and our 2 toddlers are moving back to my country as hubby wants our toddlers to school there, higher level of education and free so why not. Hubby will move soon after... exwife has custody of the sd’s and they know hubby will retire in my country. When that happens and the monthly allowance disappears, oh the pain and sob stories from them....

my husband is tired of all the abuse and crap they’ve pulled. Youngest is 14 and the only one he is responsible for paying for child support and eldest daughter guilted hubby to continue paying her money because she helps fund her sisters expenses. Your dads child support money is what covers the basics so any wants bio mum can do but instead of the daughters asking bio mum, they’ve guilted daddy into more money but he isn’t buying it

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I can relate to this so much, except DH getting tired of the abuse from SD. He thinks if she cries her crocodile tears she's a changed person. I've explained to him it's a PERSONALITY disorder and that's just how she is. 

Jcksjj's picture

I'm not hugely worried because theres a large age gap and I have boys but I do get really angry when I see ODS (so SDs stepbrother) copying some of SDs behaviors - like trying to use the exact same lies etc. So far there hasn't been anything I havent been able to put a stop to right away though.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

There is a big age gap between our daughter and SD, she's also living out of town with her boyfriend so we don't see her too often, which is a relief 

sunshinex's picture

I do. 

SD7 lives with us full-time and she's an okay kid, but she's never been taught to clean, take responsibility for her actions, manage her time well, etc. 

Admittedly, most of this is DH's fault. He's a very loving father but not very organized himself. He never showed her how to be organized. For example, she's late for school literally every day. If I take her, she's on time because I don't let her waste time in the morning. Her room is an absolute disaster and DH doesn't do much other than tell her to clean it constantly. She never does homework so she's failing most of her school subjects. She's scared of everything because DH never pushes her to overcome minor obstacles. For example, she won't go to the bathroom alone at night so she wakes, pees her bed, and goes back to sleep. 

I KNOW most of this is my DH and it makes me sad because I know he could do better, but quite honestly, he's a bit of a lazy parent. I've stepped in from time to time and while it makes an improvement, I'm the only one keeping on top of it and I know SD resents me pushing her to act her age so I just don't bother. My son will have me as his primary parent and I will teach him what children should be taught, and hopefully, he won't turn out that way. 

 

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I do see a lot of coddling and enabling from DH . SD's room looked like an episode of hoarders and he never mentioned it to her. She still does not have her license and he drives her around whenever she needs a ride somewhere rather than saying "no" to make it difficult and more incentive to actually get her license. So I also worry this passive parenting also contributed to SD's development.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

No.

I am a much better mother than Biowh0re. I am not afraid to be the “mean” parent. I’m a stickler for respect, responsibility and manners.

 

how2step's picture

I don’t have bio children but the answer is yes. That is one of the reasons why I don’t want to have kids with her.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I honestly had NO idea how severe SD's mental health issues were until quite recently. I knew she had some degree of mental health issues, but I honestly think most people do. If I had known how severe they were...

Rags's picture

It is obviously a significant risk.  Breeding with a failed parent is a huge risk for your own children.

This is one of those things that eternally has my head shaking in confusion when new SParents expound on how much in love with their SOs they are followed immediately by a long recounting of how shitty their SKids and their partners parenting are.

Who created the ill behaved prior relationship spawn?... the so and their X.The toxic genes will not change just because they add their polluted gene pool to a new breeding partner's gene pool.  The new breeding partner must have both impeccable genes and undefeatable character and parenting ability to protect their child from the shallow and polluted half of the the kid's gene pool.

In the interest of full disclosure. I have no BK's.  But I have lived the challenges of raising a SKid with an amazing mom and a waste of skin POS biodad.  It is a challenge and if my bride was not as amazing as she is... my Skid would have been doomed.  He won the mom lottery and if I do say so myself... he won the REAL dad lottery when his mom chose me to be her life parter and our son's father.  

He asked me to adopt him when he was 22 after being his dad since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.

Keep all of the facts in mind as you navigate the decision to have children with a failed parent who presents you daily with the evidence of their crappy parenting and shitty genes.

Good luck.  You will need it. More importrantly, your kids will need it.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I really appreciate this reply. I just need to do my best at the end of the day. 

Lndsy747's picture

There is a 15 year age gap between SD and BD. SD is PAS'd with no contact right now but I do still worry about what the future impacts could be if she comes back around. If she doesn't then I worry about if I should/what to tell BD about her sister since she won't have any memory of her.

I think SO is a good father overall but there were definitely some differences in the way we parent. I asked him about this before we had BD and told him some of the behaviors that I didn't like with SD. He told me it would be different if we had our own kids and so far it has been. 

I think even if SO and I split up that we would have a very different dynamic the he has with BM and that we'd be able to coparent. I'm a very different than BM so I think it's unlikely that I'll run into the same issues.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

BM is extremely high conflict and emotionally incestuous with zero regards for anyone's boundaries. I'm polar opposite, so I have hope our daughter will not turn out like SD, however, my husband enables the hell out of SD so I worry he'll be like that with our daughter.

There is also a 13 year age gap between SD and our daughter.