I agree 3terriers, I think we will be waiting a loooooong time before we find a dad (biodad is what you mean right?)who will say anything bad about BM. Remember BMs are perfect people who only want the best for their children and always put their needs aside for others. BMs and biodads have to protect their innocent offspring from the the evils of us stepmoms. Ha ha ha. Come on biodads, step forth and enlighten us.
Oh, my SO detests BM and her parenting (or lack thereof). He has plenty of choice words for her BEHIND HER BACK, mind you, except maybe once a year when he will blow up at her.
The rest of the time, even though he hates her, he lets her get her way or puts up with her so that he doesn't "make waves".
As a step-dad that has helped raise two thoroughly unappreciative, rude, self-centered, and utterly entitled step-kids, I can say that their BM, my DW, did contribute greatly to their problems.
My DW seems to more closely mirror the DH's who are frequetnly criticized on this site. She deeply loves her kids, but at the same time, refuses to truly parent them. I don't know if it is out of a sense of guilt, or if it is some desire to give them the childhood that she never had, but she has always indulged them. She has also always been extremely light on discipline. Unsurprisingly, this has led to the problems mentiond above.
When it comes to indulging the skids, one thing that bears mentioning is the slave-like devotion that DW shows to her kids. DW gives the skids pretty much anything they want. SD17 has every hand-held video game system known to man, and when SS20 lived with us, he got every video game that he wanted. DW also spoils SD17 with fancy clothes, and lots of them (seriously, does any teenager need 16 pairs of jeans?). However, DW not only spoils them materially, but she also gives up a tremendous amount of her time and energy. If the skids want to be involved in 5 after school activities, no problem. DW will cart their asses all over town. If the skids want a friend to spend the night, it's most likely gonna happen. If skids want to go to the movies, the only question is how much candy to buy for them. You get the idea.
On the flip side of the coin, DW seldom, if ever, disciplines her children. When the skids get bad grades, DW might tell them to "do better," but she never grounds them or takes away priveleges. When the skids forget their homework, DW will take off work to go to the house, pick up the homework, and take it to school (or strong-arm me into doing it). When SD17 got detention 5 times in one school year, there were no additional consequences (in fact, DW joke about it, telling SD17 that she was her "little delinquent" in a whimsical tone, trying to play it off as something cute). When SS destroyed our home computer by going on a bunch of dumb-ass game sites and crashing it with malware, there were no consequences. When SD did the same thing a few years later, there were again no consequences. When I caught SD17 messing with my work computer, you guessed it - no consequences.
Of course, if I ever try to point these things out to DW, I am the bad guy. If DW is complaining about how broke she is and I point out how much she spends on her kids, she gets pissed and says tha I have "no right to criticize." If the skids do something wrong and I inform DW, then I am "telling on them," trying to "get them in trouble." Well duh, of course I am trying to get them in trouble, because that's what happens when someone does something wrong - they get in trouble. I am then expected to apologize for "telling on them," and until I do, DW won't even talk about the original problem. Even if I do apologize, DW still doesn't do anything.
Because they were given virtually everything they want, and also because there are essentially no consequences for any mistakes that they make, these two kids have grown up thinking that the sun and moon both set in their respective asses. They are lazy. They are mouthly. They do not have life skills. SD17 freely admits to trying to ruin our marriage. SS20 freely admits to never having a desire to do anything with his life. These are two empty, hollowed out shells of human beings, both of whom have the ability to inflict tremendouse harm on our family. All SD17 has to do is kill someone while drag-racing. All SS20 has to do is keep eating, and end up on disability because he won't be able to walk. Or who knows, maybe they will surprise me with their sloth and depravity, and do something that I can't even anticipate.
Despite the problems with her kids, I do really love DW. When the skids aren't around, we are a really happy. It's almost like DW has some kind of split personality - she is happy when with me, and can sometimes start to see the problems with her kids. However, when she is around the kids, she slips back into "super-mom" mode and sides with them over me on every issue. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that SS20 is still living with his grandmother, and the DW swears up and down that she will not allow SD17 to live with us after high school. DW has even agreed with my "nuclear option" plan to sell the house the skids try to live with us. I hope that I don't ever have to push that button, but if that is what it takes to get those kids out of my life, I'll do it.
Ooooh I cannot wait to see
Ooooh I cannot wait to see the replies on this one...
I agree 3terriers, I think we
I agree 3terriers, I think we will be waiting a loooooong time before we find a dad (biodad is what you mean right?)who will say anything bad about BM. Remember BMs are perfect people who only want the best for their children and always put their needs aside for others. BMs and biodads have to protect their innocent offspring from the the evils of us stepmoms. Ha ha ha. Come on biodads, step forth and enlighten us.
Oh, my SO detests BM and her
Oh, my SO detests BM and her parenting (or lack thereof). He has plenty of choice words for her BEHIND HER BACK, mind you, except maybe once a year when he will blow up at her.
The rest of the time, even though he hates her, he lets her get her way or puts up with her so that he doesn't "make waves".
Blech.
As a step-dad that has helped
As a step-dad that has helped raise two thoroughly unappreciative, rude, self-centered, and utterly entitled step-kids, I can say that their BM, my DW, did contribute greatly to their problems.
My DW seems to more closely mirror the DH's who are frequetnly criticized on this site. She deeply loves her kids, but at the same time, refuses to truly parent them. I don't know if it is out of a sense of guilt, or if it is some desire to give them the childhood that she never had, but she has always indulged them. She has also always been extremely light on discipline. Unsurprisingly, this has led to the problems mentiond above.
When it comes to indulging the skids, one thing that bears mentioning is the slave-like devotion that DW shows to her kids. DW gives the skids pretty much anything they want. SD17 has every hand-held video game system known to man, and when SS20 lived with us, he got every video game that he wanted. DW also spoils SD17 with fancy clothes, and lots of them (seriously, does any teenager need 16 pairs of jeans?). However, DW not only spoils them materially, but she also gives up a tremendous amount of her time and energy. If the skids want to be involved in 5 after school activities, no problem. DW will cart their asses all over town. If the skids want a friend to spend the night, it's most likely gonna happen. If skids want to go to the movies, the only question is how much candy to buy for them. You get the idea.
On the flip side of the coin, DW seldom, if ever, disciplines her children. When the skids get bad grades, DW might tell them to "do better," but she never grounds them or takes away priveleges. When the skids forget their homework, DW will take off work to go to the house, pick up the homework, and take it to school (or strong-arm me into doing it). When SD17 got detention 5 times in one school year, there were no additional consequences (in fact, DW joke about it, telling SD17 that she was her "little delinquent" in a whimsical tone, trying to play it off as something cute). When SS destroyed our home computer by going on a bunch of dumb-ass game sites and crashing it with malware, there were no consequences. When SD did the same thing a few years later, there were again no consequences. When I caught SD17 messing with my work computer, you guessed it - no consequences.
Of course, if I ever try to point these things out to DW, I am the bad guy. If DW is complaining about how broke she is and I point out how much she spends on her kids, she gets pissed and says tha I have "no right to criticize." If the skids do something wrong and I inform DW, then I am "telling on them," trying to "get them in trouble." Well duh, of course I am trying to get them in trouble, because that's what happens when someone does something wrong - they get in trouble. I am then expected to apologize for "telling on them," and until I do, DW won't even talk about the original problem. Even if I do apologize, DW still doesn't do anything.
Because they were given virtually everything they want, and also because there are essentially no consequences for any mistakes that they make, these two kids have grown up thinking that the sun and moon both set in their respective asses. They are lazy. They are mouthly. They do not have life skills. SD17 freely admits to trying to ruin our marriage. SS20 freely admits to never having a desire to do anything with his life. These are two empty, hollowed out shells of human beings, both of whom have the ability to inflict tremendouse harm on our family. All SD17 has to do is kill someone while drag-racing. All SS20 has to do is keep eating, and end up on disability because he won't be able to walk. Or who knows, maybe they will surprise me with their sloth and depravity, and do something that I can't even anticipate.
Despite the problems with her kids, I do really love DW. When the skids aren't around, we are a really happy. It's almost like DW has some kind of split personality - she is happy when with me, and can sometimes start to see the problems with her kids. However, when she is around the kids, she slips back into "super-mom" mode and sides with them over me on every issue. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that SS20 is still living with his grandmother, and the DW swears up and down that she will not allow SD17 to live with us after high school. DW has even agreed with my "nuclear option" plan to sell the house the skids try to live with us. I hope that I don't ever have to push that button, but if that is what it takes to get those kids out of my life, I'll do it.